Unfortunately Every Time I Contemplate Perpetrating A Text Post I Get A Sentence Or Three Into It Only

New Project time :)

gotta say tumblr's little pro-cursive revival has really reactivated early middle school memories of being forced to write up assignments in crabbed horrible cursive and hating it more with every letter whose setup i failed to properly anticipate far enough in advance to connect it smoothly (possibly bc adhd but like. hashtag guy who's only ever had adhd so what do i know.)

Tiny Tuesday

Feeling a little fashionable? You simply must check out this dahling little book! Put on your finest frock, your furriest scarf, and oh, mustn’t forget your monocle! The book is bound with blue snakeskin and the front cover is bordered by seed pearls, with an inlaid gem accenting the second E in in “Erté.” The box is made of sterling silver lined with black calfskin with a tassel attached to the hook.

Published in 1984 by Rebecca Press, Erté Maquettes had 200 Deluxe editions made. According to the colophon, this is copy number 15. It contains a selection of 44 creations by the artist Erté, who drew hundreds of covers for Harper’s Bazaar in the early 20th century without a single rejection, using the style of Art Nouveau. Many of the paintings in this book were never reproduced, however, offering a unique chance to get to know another side of Erté.

SMITH NE2233.5.E77 1984b

--Theo P.

Kimono 098.

Pale Methy Blue ~ Dull Citrine ~ Pinkish Cinnamon ~ Orange Yellow

Colour study using Sanzo Wada’s Dictionary of Colour combinations. (Vol. 2)

unrelatedly changing seasons is always kind of a brutal renegotiation with the mysterious rules of dysphoria but i WISH i understood why like. the exact same tank tops will have been totally fine with certain bottoms and then with others it's suddenly like 'agh nooooo we're doing a bad job of Man AND of Woman, time for death 💀💀💀'

[frustrated? that] i can't seem to encounter comments/attitudes that feel weirdbad* to me without feeling a need to seek reassurance that i'm being reasonable in finding them weirdbad

like yet again this is presumably a leftover artifact of the incessant messaging i got growing up that none of my re/actions were ever reasonable

but it's like. well. (a) it feels like weakness of character to me. like. why can't i just have the courage of my own convictions without needing someone else to reinforce them. (see previous para.) (b) even if we accept that this is an understandable ['if undesirable,' i immediately mentally add, but. table that question for now ig.] urge in the abstract, in practice it's like. well. my social situation lately is such that the various people towards whom i tend to direct bids of this kind will reject them at least half the time. so whether or not it's understandable: it's not viable

plus then of course it also feels like. why do i have to be SO quick to shrug off whatever the weirdbad opinion is, instead of just. sitting calmly with it for a little while. experiencing it. practicing some calm curiosity instead of agitated rejection, like that one post suggested.

unfortunately i think a lot of this stuff is like. well it's about how unsafe and insecure i feel all the time. like it's a bit idiotic to be sitting here going 'huh why am i acting so anxious when. my most crucial social bonds are as attenuated as they are and my current situation doesn't remotely lend itself to forming more.' like. obvious answer is obvious and also quite frankly i'm correct to be anxious about that!! if i were more securely socially enmeshed i could probably Practice Chillness better because these interactions would take up only the tiny fraction of my mental social map they ought to be taking up, instead of looming enormously large in a barren landscape and becoming disproportionately high-stakes as a result!

so like. diagnosing myself with shit life syndrome ig, lol

⸻ * using this as a very broad catchall term for a range of things that spans, like, 'actual bigotry' on the one end and 'someone being imo-too-flippant abt something in a way that makes me wonder if they realize i'm personally impacted by it' on the other end

baby's first attempt at mending sox any other way than by needle felting¹! as with all my very amateur attempts at mending we'll see how they hold up going forward,² but i had fun experimenting and so far they seem comfy?

⸻ ¹ an approach which ime works pretty okay on thick hiking sox, ftr, but which didn't seem likely to be well-suited to thinner ones like these :) ² i imagine that if i'd, say, used one long strand boustrophedon-style, that probably would have had a little more structural integrity than this more piecemeal approach. next time maybe!

Gute Sheep/gutefår. Värmland, Sweden (April 24, 2020).

miserable that there is no way 2 avoid being treated as either a man or woman

Oops!... I Did It Again

genuinely wild how often i realize i’ve taken an interpersonal situation where the information i actually have is ‘i’m not having a good time’ and turned it into ‘i’m worried they’re not having a good time with me’

probably ultimately very straightforwardly traceable back to a childhood in which i wasn’t having a good time with my mother and the only variable in the situation that i actually had the power to alter was myself, so that now when as an adult i’m having a bad time with someone my instinct is still to fix myself instead of, you know, removing myself? or alternatively checking in with them about how things are feeling to them and attempting to arrive at a meeting of the minds, or at least a mutually semi-satisfactory compromise?

anyway like. this failure mode probably implies a particular menu of followup actions that i ought to be identifying and instituting, but i’d frankly settle for just ‘recognizing this particular self-abnegating reframing when i’m in the process of committing it’!