“It Was Always The Becoming He Dreamed Of, Never The Being.” — F̶i̶t̶z̶g̶e̶r̶a̶l̶d̶;

he didn't want to get ahead of himself by saying it aloud, but something about being in the office these days felt wrong.

fitz had had his issues with the bureau before, but there was something about his own mission failure on top of feeling unsatisfied with the work on top of being expected to actively engage with this operation to find their fellow agent who was actively unraveling time & space at this exact moment while fitz is expected to sit behind his desk with the other field agents and pretend like he isn't close to losing his shit any day now. did the development team know what they were doing or even know what to look for? and why wasn't the team getting constant updates from the bureau about —

he swings open the door to the rooftop, and someone's there.

of course. of course.

while his mind sees thoreau and nods in her direction, fresh air fills his lungs and fitz uses that moment to quiet his thoughts for just a moment.

the rooftop's wide enough that they don't need to be actively talking if they don't want to, and for once, fitz just wants a tiny little — thoreau's speaking, but he's just going to ignore her while he — okay, clearly she's being cordial, but now there's a question involved and he's expected to answer.

"I'm here for the free air," and braces himself against the balustrade a few feet away. hands. feet. breath.

after a moment, he sighs and faces the agent. "we can't all be like faulkner, or stein, or even you. the bureau suffocates from time to time. and this afternoon just happened to be one of them."

"and since the bureau hasn't been invested in our social and emotional well-being since ... i don't know when," fitz looks over and takes thoreau in for a moment, "i'm doing what i can to keep all my marbles in the pouch." but no, there's no time or room for that kind of conversation to happen right now.

so, instead fitz scans the grounds below and spots a specific spot where the edge of the lake and path towards the parking lot meet. "you see that spot down there? that's a sunset-watching spot. ...if you're actually into that kind of thing."

starter for: @agtfitzs when: september 5, 1996 / early evening where: rooftop of the building

She'd stood at the edge of the rooftop for almost half an hour, now, watching as the staff members exited the building while eating the last of her sandwich. In this new life she'd built for herself, the rooftop was the closest she had to her namesake's Walden Pond in Concord, a place she had frequented, what with her old home being half an hour away. At this vantage point, Midge could imagine that these people were instead various forms of wildlife. Aquatic invertebrates, fish, frogs, and toads. That one suit rushing past? A crayfish. A man, still donning his lab coat despite it being day's end, was a sunfish. In this light, then, she would be a bird with no net ensnaring her, and whatnot. No, no, that was Bronte.

What did it matter? Even in the absence of water, they were all drowning.

Her analogy was delicate as it is without the further disruption of hearing someone swinging the roof door wide open. In the perfect stillness of the rooftop, the disruption almost echoed, like a stone she'd taken from a gravelly path and thrown across the water. Midge did not make a habit of staying on the rooftop after hours. Curious to find her new companion, she finished her sandwich, folded the parchment paper that came with it, and swung around her position by the balustrade to greet — 

Ah. "Agent Fitzgerald." A nod. Midge was not nearly discourteous enough to ignore his presence, however unwelcome. But, as is customary with her fellow field agents, and perhaps even more so with Fitzgerald, she let the proverbial curtains that she'd briefly drawn back to indulge in childhood memory fall back into place. Fitzgerald's presence felt like fate's way of dissuading her from any further attempts at enlightenment. Back again to being Thoreau. Back again to the life she had built for the past decade and a half. Back again to the mask of courtesy and patience and stillness. She leaned against the rooftop's ornate glass balustrades, one-half of her sandwich in hand, and wished that she'd brought her pack of cigarettes.

"I see you had the same idea as I did," she began in an attempt to be genial. It was hard to stay frustrated at someone when the world was burning. Over the past decade, and despite his demeanor, Fitzgerald had become close to unreadable. Still, she figured that he was no exception to the rest of the agents, all of whom were, to some degree, discouraged and clearly exhausted. There was no reason to preserve her disdain, for now. "What, you come here to watch the sunset?" In all of her people staring that day, Thoreau had paid no strict attention to the golden hour. That was a luxury she left to the writers and poets — and anyway, the sun had all but gone now, the sky somewhere between the civil and nautical twilight. "I'm afraid you'll only be catching the tail-end."

so. by now, fitz could see that no one else was going to say it, but the obvious had become clear, now that they all had some time to step back & reflect from the recent meeting concerning this operation — london was kind of an idiot. and sure, that's rich coming from fitz, but given the information the bureau's given them so far, it's at least being framed that way — just with with more tact, of course. and for once, fitz is inclined to agree.

only an idiot would jump back to three locations connected to previous missions of theirs, knowing the bureau would be digging through every mission, every conversation, every call, with a fine-toothed comb. only an idiot would potentially wrap themselves in a time loop by doing so, putting their health and safety at risk, paradoxes be damned. only an idiot would steal outdated technology, when fitz's transformer kit had been collecting dust every since his own failure. only an idiot. unless ...?

ah, of course.

london must've known that going back to some of his previous missions was the obvious first move, and so why not lead the bureau down those paths and unearth some once closed cases in the process? and say he did continue on this path of revisiting old missions, altering previous jumps with this version of himself — that's just a big mess that the bureau has to divide brain power & manpower to clean up, in addition to finding him. then there's the outdated tech — a genius play, seeing as the bureau prides itself on innovating and changing ahead of the times. the amount of people who remember the intricacies of that unstable technology are probably slim these days.

okay, change of opinion — agent london is a chaotic visionary, and fitz wants to be the one to find him just so he can shake the agent's hand. honestly, how —

thoughts interrupted by a familiar face & voice, which brings fitz back to reality. without missing a beat, he looks up at hemingway & grins. "wrapping up implies that any real work was getting done at this point in the day," he pushes away from his desk with his foot and stands to stretch, "but sure, i'm always down for ... 'dinner' and a 'drink'", he winks at the fellow agent while using air quotes.

fitz clears his throat and projects a little more for anyone else to hear, "thank you for offering, agent hemingway. i look forward to further working on this case with you and bringing our colleague home safe and sound." after a beat, he leans in, softer this time:

"anyway, i could use something greasy and sloppy — burgers?"

WHEN: september 3rd, 1996 ; late evening WHERE: bureau building ; team offices floor STATUS: open to everyone

he gets off the elevator with an armful of files but the stack is still skinnier than hemingway planned for it to be. he tried to check out a bunch of london's old mission reports, no particular rhyme or reason to his choices, just cases that seemed intriguing enough to research and investigate but he got denied access to some of them. a bunch of them, so he'll just have to make do with whatever he did manage to get. others would probably try to go with some pattern, a code; london's one of those others, hemingway can't really see him choosing the times and places he's been hitting at random and there's probably some rules to those three missions he's went back to fuck up but hemingway's ... not that quick so it's going to take him a bit of time and effort to connect the dots. and if all else fails, he can get someone to brainstorm with him.

he drops the files onto his desk as if it were the start of the work day and not the end of it; he's already passed a lot of the staff on their way out, exchanged all the goodbyes and see you tomorrows. the team's still roaming the floor, most of them in and out even at this time.

so before hemingway sits down to the work that's going to consume his next couple of hours, he strides right across the room to another agent's desk. "so, how are we doing?" he drops the question casually, usual smile on his face as he leans against the edge of their desk. it's a common scene, hemingway's always bouncing between his colleague's bullpens, either being a nuisance or just trying to make some nice conversation, depends on the way you look at it.

right now, he's just mostly stalling the task he's set for himself.

"you wrapping up anytime soon? because if you're still around in a couple of hours, maybe we could go into town? grab dinner and a drink." acting like everything's normal is not going to solve any of their problems but maybe an outing like this could help them clear their heads. trying to crack the code is an important job but they still gotta eat. "you know, we should turn our brains off for a minute. reset. you in?"

              ❝ no one ever tells you how dangerous loyalty can be. ❞

          — vincent van gogh

I hate small talk. I want to talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you’ve told, your flaws, your favourite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurities and your fears. I like people with depth, who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don’t want to know what’s up.

The idealist (via theslytherinworld)

i am extremely analytical and everything needs to be explained… hate living in the unknown bitch i have to know everything or i will fall into a coma

did the bureau know what was ahead of them by pairing hemingway with fitzgerald? had this been a miscalculation on someone's part, thinking that this would be the solution to setting fitz on a different path? this kind of decision seemed like it had faulkner's influence written all over it, especially with how the agent saw them out tonight.

in theory, sure, hemingway was an exceptional agent; it made sense he took the mentor role to new and wayward agents alike — agreeable, capable, smooth. a good example. and he's all those things in real life too, but as fitz watches him soak up cher in the car ride over and order enough food to turn this diner run into a feast, he remembers that hemingway still holds onto something that most agents lose over their time with the bureau.

vibrancy — the word fills in the blank, and that feels right. fitz grins.

it's his turn to laugh out loud — bark, rather — at the thought of hemingway robbing a bank and fitz realizes it wouldn't take much for him to be convinced. take the stolen cash, hop to another timeline, join that jazz band he's always talking about. they could easily go rogue.

all the cool agents were doing it.

"it is ridiculous, which is exactly why we're gonna have to go with my matching tattoos idea. and while i'm normally on the 'it has to be pretty' train, i'm also a bigger believer in just ... figuring it out when we get there. embrace the fun in the risk, that's all i'm saying. it's never too late to make dumb decisions."

fitz nods and raises his own glass to hemingway's words, "you and i both know i'm the last person who's going to disagree on any of those points for the rest of tonight. i'd argue that i don't talk about any of that enough, which is probably what got you stuck with me in the first place," fitz shrugs.

he had apologized to hemingway before, when he was first told that they'd be partners — again, clearly a miscalculation made on the bureau's end. fitz thought of himself as too far gone to be a truly productive field agent. if things ever got bad in the field, well, he'd only be slowing hemingway down, and — it's just best to move past the point.

"but anyway, i'm still waiting on you tell me the secret on how you're able to be so nice to everyone, all the time. people suck, hemingway."

hemingway spends most of the car ride flipping through radio stations, trying to find them some good background music that he can loudly talk over. he eventually settles on the top fifty ... for two songs and then he gets bored with it and starts playing with the radio again. a cher song is on when they arrive and he makes fitz sit in the car with him until it's finished.

once he orders three meals worth of food and gets his drink, hemingway's almost ready to admit that he's done thinking about work and how he's questioning himself and how tired he is of everything even thought it's just the beginning. almost.

thank god for fitz's energy because hemingway really needs it right now.

" — rob a bank as a team-bonding exercise," hemingway says, trying to match whatever outrageous idea the other is gonna serve him with. and yeah, there it is, matching tattoos. worst part is, hemingway's is willing to actually, seriously consider it. unlike the bank robbery because that's never happening.

"you know we could do something less permanent, right?" hemingway says, a comfortable smile on his face as he teases. "i don't know. buy matching ties or something." not that hemingway wears ties very often—twice a month, tops. way too uncomfortable and just very not his style. unless it's a novelty one, like the ones he always gets for christmas. "oh, that would be so ridiculous. we should do it."

"besides, what would we even get? it's a big commitment, i need ideas, something pretty. i'm not about to put just anything on my body. better give me something good," he says and—yeah, he really does sound like he could be convinced.

"i still don't think that's what faulkner had in mind, you know. he probably assumed we were—i don't know. going for a change of scenery to brainstorm." and he wouldn't really blame faulkner, especially with the amount of overtime's hemingway's been doing; it's not completely unusual but there's been a rather noticeable increase. this is not oh, i'll stay behind tonight so i don't have as much to do on friday, this is oh, this case is about to eat me whole. so it's really not that wild of a guess that hemingway would leave work ... to do more working. man, he really needs a break from that.

"but i'm banning the use of words like case, work, files—" he starts listing anything that comes to mind, his fingers keeping the count. "—london, that one's definitely off the table. well, you get it. all of it, banned. until tomorrow morning."

hemingway's laugh reverberates with how empty the office is, and fitz grins in response. he clutches his chest in response to hemingway's comments about his 'stiff' performance & rolls his eyes, his lips stretched up in a grin of his own.

yeah, it's true. the bureau could use more people like hemingway.

when the other agent walks back over to his own desk, fitz's eyebrows lift and how easily he agrees to leave right now. skipping out on the rest of work to go fuck around in the city? as much as fitz knew the bureau expected him to learn something from hemingway, maybe the opposite was proving to be true. he scoffs & grabs his keys, "i may be a lot of things, but a bad driver isn't one of them. that's just silly & embarrassing for no reason." he pulls his coat over his shoulder as they step out into the night.

after a pretty uneventful car ride — from fitz's pov at least — they make it to the spot hemingway suggests. although they've only just put in their orders, fitz is already completely satisfied to be someplace else that's not the bureau grounds. they could've been anywhere, honestly. burger joints are burger joints — he knows it's really all about the company he keeps. and hemingway's definitely one of the easiest to be around.

that's important, fitz thinks.

with a drink already in his hand, he looks at the agent his partner from across the table & shakes his head, "— okay, but @faulknxr said tonight should be dynamic & high-yielding for the operation. he's expecting us to bring him something big tomorrow. which, you know that means, right? we're going to have to ..."

he gives hemingway his best serious face, although he knows his eyes give it away every time. he waits for the agent to finish his sentence before overlapping him.

" — get matching tattoos! y'know, to solidify this partnership of ours."

"dude, just because you're not doing any work ..." arms crossed and eyebrows slightly raised, he gives fitz a look; there's an ending to this sentence, something about how other people—hemingway—are actually trying to get shit done but that's only ... half-true, at best. yes, hemingway did go into the records room, yes, he spent about two hours in there, yes, he did bring some files back but all of that has just been mostly half-assed, i just wanna feel like i'm actually doing something work, which is ... barely work, really. truth is, he spent that much time checking out files only because he ended up catching up with the clerk for most of it. he did find out that they adopted a dog and now hemingway's jealous.

he doesn't finish the thought, just rolls his eyes at the other agent and laughs. "hey, no funny business," hemingway puts on a fake-serious voice, an expression to match and lifts up a warning finger; it doesn't hold up for long, his face splits into another grin barely two seconds later and his laughter booms across the floor. it's louder than he expected it to be so when he looks around to check if he's being a nuisance for the others (and surprisingly there are others, even this late, though maybe he shouldn't be so shocked, considering the circumstances), it's with an apologetic smile, an unspoken oops, my bad.

but then again, this is hardly a first. hemingway being loud, never heard that one before.

"nice theatrics, though a bit stiff," hemingway attempts another serious comment but the underlying mirth is impossible to miss. all of a sudden, he doesn't feel all that goddamn tired and ... well, there's plenty words to call it, disappointed? dejected? really fucking lost, that's a good one. he's allowed himself to feel that way for a short while, taken a break from the everything will turn out fine mantra he's always repeating in his head but it's starting to be too overwhelming. hemingway will not say it out loud, but spending what's left of the day with fitz should work some magic. well, now he can't wait.

he takes a look at his desk across the room, the files waiting. yeah, right. "okay, well, fuck the couple hours then," hemingway says as he pushes himself off fitz's desk, stands tall and stretches his shoulders. "burgers sound good. i know a place," he says and then heads back for his desk. the short distance doesn't interrupt the conversation. "but you're driving. and i trust you not to kill us," he says, his voice once again carrying across the entire room. he picks up his stuff, shoves the unread reports into his drawer—a problem for tomorrow—and waits for fitz to join him by the door.

& there it is again — what a funny, deceivingly simple word for a place that's supposed to invite feelings of comfort & rest. perhaps nostalgic memories. maybe even love, or something that resembles it and fills in its place.

but an assigned room on bureau grounds? that's just ... well, that's just sad, to say the least. lonely, too, but there isn't enough time in the work day to unpack that right now. maybe later, once he's able to stop thinking so much.

fitz watches baldwin while the agent turns back to the lounge & decides that they should probably talk more, although recent events haven't given them nearly enough time to sit down for a casual chat. and what would that conversation even sound like?

'yo, dr. baldwin, i know you're probably losing sleep over london's disappearance and have had no time to really take care of yourself since the person you were close with is out there altering time & space as we understand it, but i just have to know — listened to any good tunes, lately?' — and even worse, fitz would genuinely be invested in the agent's answer.

"pretty often, actually — i usually spend too much time doing things like disappointing faulkner or stein that by the time i actually get around to working, it's already late in the afternoon." he thinks, before quickly adding, "not that i'm not actively trying to focus on the operation at hand ... it's just," he glances at the cup he was given and carefully picks it up with the handle, "i've been distracted, lately."

fitz blows gently over his cup, peering down into the dark liquid that reflects a rippled version back to him. maybe there's a fitz out there that enjoys coffee & does his job as he's told & much more emotionally stable & not completely insufferable to be around & & & — he steps forward & takes a look around at the empty office around them. he's been cooped up in here for too long.

"clearly i need some fresh air," fitz begins to walk away, but he turns on his heel, "and i'd love the company, if you're interested." he shrugs, with a grin, "and even if you're not, i could use it anyway."

          baldwin catches fitz's stumble in phrasing.  there's something missing between the meaning of home and living quarters that goes right over their head , and it's a distinction they've come to realize others here hold as well. 

          home has always been where they rest for the night , where their cluttered belongings scatter.  it's a place.  that's all.  before the fire , home was their house in lakefield , and after , it was numerous foster homes.  since 1990 , home has been their assigned quarters on bureau grounds , and rarely do they ever leave the facilities.  although , for a long time between then and now , they found themself resting in london's room , or london in theirs.

          their hands clench around the warmth of the ceramic mug.  whatever.  home is where someone lives and any further linguistic dissection will drive them mad.     "     it isn't easier to shut off when you're at home ?     "

          they look over their shoulder at the lounge , then back to fitz.     "     the midnight part is a new habit.  eleven nights over the past two weeks.  no  —  um  —  twelve.     "     shit.  fuck.  pivot.  don't mention the second cup.  turn the question back over.     "     how often are you staying so far past five , anyway ?     "     logically , they know they should have this information already.  they clock everyone the second they walk in , if not by the distinctive sound of their footsteps , then by actually looking in their direction.  baldwin convinces themself that they're preoccupied with much bigger issues , that there is a finite amount of connections that can be made in the human brain , that they are still just human.  the same mantra they've been telling themself for a year now.  denial is a powerful thing.

rubykinn:

me: *points to space* !!!!!!

friend: ????

me: *points to space more violently* !!!!!!!!!