My Favorite Parts Of The Iliad Now That I’ve Finished It For The First Time:

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Clark (as a reporter): Mr. Wayne, have you ever thought of having more children?

Bruce: You mean, adopting?

Clark: Adopting. Abducting. However you got the last four.

Bruce: …

Bruce: Cassandra has done nothing wrong ever in her life

David Cain: she killed a man

Bruce: no she didn't

Cass: I killed a man

Bruce: no you didn't

Bruce, watching a video of Cass killing a man: this is fake.

nightmare mission trio

My guilt will not purify me.

(Batgirl 2000 permanently altered my brain chemistry)

anyways

When people debate who the most fucked up member of the bats is, they either pick Bruce or Jason. Rightfully so, of course. But neither of them are correct.

Cassandra fucking Cain has been coasting by undetected for YEARS. That girl might lowkey be the most fucked up hero in DC, and that's saying something.

Everyone is aware of how anal Bruce is about the no kill rule, but nobody talks about how Cass takes that to the extreme.

She broke into a maximum security prison to free a child murdere who received the death penalty. She didn't even know him. She broke through a secure facility to free what is arguably the definition of human scum because she doesn't agree with his sentencing.

I mean, yes, fuck the death penalty, the state should never have the right to kill people, and the fact that many end up innocent is horrifying, but that man was unrepentant. And he was locked up, he didn't even escape. Cass places her morals above even the law

And I can't find the panel, but I'm 99% sure she took multiple bullets to protect a rapist

Also, she had a major breakdown when Kate killed clayface, which is valid sure but Kate genuinely saved lives there. Cass would've been fine if they died so long as nobody wearing the bat was a murderer.

People rag on Bruce for only seeing the world as black and white, but Cass' world view is way more strict and rigid. She makes Bruce seem lax about it

Silly Batfam headcanon that David Cain (who introduced his daughter to a lot of his contacts during her upbringing) in his younger days used to be... a lot more involved in politics.

So, one seemingly slow day in a certain american inteligence agency:

CIA agent, entering the room in a panic: Sir, Bruce Wayne has-

Head of the pentagon: The playboy millionaire? Why do I care what he has done?

Agent: Because he has publicly adopted Cassandra Cain, sir!

Pentagon head: Cassandra Cain?

Agent: Yes, sir.

Head: Daughter of internacional assassin David Cain?!

Agent: The one, sir.

Head: THE GUY WE HIRED TO KILL KENNEDY AND COVER IT UP THIRTY YEARS AGO??????

Agent: Exactly.

Head: I thought her daugther had disappeared and was missing or something, how has she been adopted by Bruce Fucking Wayne?!

Agent: We're looking into it. She's using forged legal documents but it's definitely her, should we arrest her?

Head, grabbing the agent by the collar: That's the girl who beat every single UN-wanted assassin on earth before her age hit double digits, you idiot! If you so much as lay a finger on her she will break it and then come after me for seconds, no one touches her!

Agent: Ok, sir, put me down, please. *Head lets go of him* Should we put all of Wayne Mannor under official protection, then?

Head: Yeah, yeah, that sounds about right, wouldn't want something bad to happen to Cain's new father that could send her on a vengeance quest.

Agent: Do you think the Batman knows the Waynes are harboring the singular most dangerous non-meta teenager on Earth?

Head, about to have a heart attack: Oh, God, if the Batman goes after Wayne it could send Cain into a rampage. Establish emergency communications with Batman, appeal to his good nature, offer him whatever he wants, he can't go after Cassandra Wayne!

*One day later, on a rooftop in Gotham*

Batman: Speak, I'm busy.

Agent: Yes, I won't take much of your time. My bosses want to- who's that?

Batman, without turning to look at the figure behind him: That's Batgirl, my partner. But you were talking to me.

Agent: O-of course. Listen, there's a new dangerous criminal here in Gotham you will wanna hear about.

Batman: I thought your bosses didn't like working with me?

Agent: we don't wanna work with you. We want you to leave this criminal alone, as we believe she's looking to turn a new leaf. That, and she might probe a greater threat if provoked. *hands him pictures of Cassandra during the adoption announcement*

Batman, thirty years of poker face training:

Agent: She is Cassandra Wayne, new adopted daughter of Bruce Wayne.

Batgirl, noticing the inmediate shift to proud-happy-proud when the agent refered to her as his daughter:

Batman: I've heard about her, Bruce Wayne seems very fond of her already. Very well, I will leave her alone, she hasn't done anything bad as far as I've found in my investigation anyway.

Agent, sighing in relief, looking down a second to pocket the pictures: That's great to hear, it's a pleasure to- *looks up and both vigilantes have disappeared*

*a few roofs away*

Batman, walking in absolute silence:

Batgirl, pullings his sleeve: Fond of me?

Batman, nodding, red under the cowl: Fond of you.

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.

non-gotham locals think the most prolific bat-villain is the joker, or scarecrow, even the riddler — or any of their assorted highly dangerous deluded rogues.

but a real gothamite knows how big a pain in the ass condiment king is, in fact, urban legend says that the bat kids have formed a pact to not tell batman if condiment king just happens to turn up… at the bottom of gotham harbor.

A (DC) rich people game show, but then they start going nuts.

You see, it's not unusual to have one of the infamous rich guys of the USA on TV, such as Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne usually on talk shows to talk about their latest project, be it for good (donations) or bad (new LexCorp weapon, this one is for good I swear-).

But that's not the times people love seeing them, no, that's when they go on game shows. And finally, some producer gets the idea, "Why have only one, competing against other famous people like actors or singers, when they could compete against each other! What could possibly go wrong?".

A lot can go wrong. The show is a series of different games across the board, they all have to donate to charities to enter, but also know this is a great opportunity for getting good publicity. At first, it's just fun, games of them working together for a goal, with lots of "turns out the rich are eating each other!" jokes from Queen, comically bad attempts at leadership from Luthor, and Bruce Wayne being a passenger princess during the games "I bring the good luck".

That is until the following games are individual tasks, true competition...and then comes the cheating. Yes, Luthor started it but it also gets ridiculous.

They need to form a debate team, technically with their friends (free cameos for the show), Oliver and the rest of the participants understand that and bring in famous people, yes Oliver brings Black Canary that's his wife and best friend. And Luthor immediately calls on the best lawyers he has "You can't prove they aren't my friends also", which is a bit sad tbh.

Bruce knew he would do that. He is also a Gothamite with a sense of humour. Cable TV says hello to Harvey Dent, aka Twoface, because he is debating here now.

They enter a typical Steve Harvey style of questions, "Oh, you are bringing previous trivia night winners Luthor? that's smart...how did Wayne bring in the Riddler again? stop asking questions you say?"

They enter a mini survivors set, "Luthor brings in specialists from the military, can't say it doesn't make sense!... Mr Wayne, is that Poison Ivy? can he do that?"... and Oliver wins anyway (out of traumatic-experience experience), he brought Dinah again, he's a wife guy.

They enter a round of questions by journalists, points given by originality on evading questions, "So, we had to change our pick Clark Kent bc Luthor claimed it would be rigged, but thankfully Mr Wayne offered an alternative! welcome physicologist- Is that Harley Queen Mr Wyne- Bruce, can I call you Bruce? look me in the eyes and tell me how you are doing this Bruce"

"...Money?"

Harley rips them into psychological shreds, and a non-traumatized rich guy wins (DC equivalent of the Arizona Ice Tea CEO, they deserve it).

They enter rounds of questions about where they live, Luthor loses because he has no clue about the public transportation system in Metropolis, and Oliver acts dumb because he should not know half of the stuff he answers...Bruce gets stuck on the heroes of Gotham question, he is stressed, and he knows he'll be crucified if he forgest any of his vigilantes, and their associates, "Shut up Rick Redhood does count-".

Bruce Wayne forgets to count Batman, and he is saved by Oliver saying "They are bitter exes, let him not count the Bat!", he'll kill him later.

Luthor keeps cheating with professionals, Bruce keeps bringing in criminals, and Oliver wins because the final challenge is a popular vote, and the wife guy always wins.