Casualdreamerdreamer - Untitled

I've been on Tumblr for years, but my husband knows my main account so I started this side account.

I've seen Tumblr move mountains for people so I'm hoping and praying that you guys can move mountains for me.

I'm 26 years old. I've been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 20. I know now that he was attracted to me because I was young and manipulatable but at the time I was so flattered that an older college guy wanted to be in a relationship with me.

Looking back there were a lot of red flags. He didn't like any of my friends and he told me who I could hang out with and when. He told me that my school work wasn't important because I was going to be a stay-at-home wife after high school while he went out and earned a living. As teenager living in a household that was unstable and on the brink of collapse, the idea of having a strong man take care of me was very appealing and so I overlooked the red flags.

He liked to get me drunk. He'd take me to his shitty apartment and he would load me up with Mike's Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ice and then we'd fool around. I had a lot of pregnancy scares from 16-17 because he didn't like to wear a condom and when I was drinking it was harder for me to insist. When I was 18, I got on the pill at least. He was always pushing my boundaries in the bedroom. I'd say no to something and he'd give me the silent treatment until I let him do it. Or he'd just do it even though I said I didn't want to.

He graduated college the year I graduated high school, and we moved in together. From the beginning, he was controlling, keeping tabs on me and watching the bank account like a hawk, but I chalked it up to needing to be frugal. We were really poor, but he promised to take care of me.

Eventually, though, I had to get a job to make ends meet. He didn't like that. The first time he hit me was when I told him I'd been interviewing for jobs. It wouldn't be the last.

God, just. Ten years I let him tell me I was helpless without him, I was weak, and stupid, and only he would ever love me. I let him hit me. I let him separate me from my friends and family. I let him kick my cat.

But I'm done. I'm going to get me and Midnight out of here.

Restaurants and bars really love to test your sobriety by making the route to their bathrooms as labyrinthine as possible

Loki calm in all circumstances.

There it is

Daniel Sloss- “Jigsaw”

m

mango (derogatory)

What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too. 

I remember seeing them perform this live on my campus.. My jaw dropped within 10 seconds.