Hey Giys This Will Be The Last Post I Make From This Account. Unfourtanatly I Am Getting A New Phone

[Justice League group chat]

Bruce: *gets added to the chat*

Hal: Daddy.

Barry: Daddy.

Clark: Daddy.

Arthur: Stop being loud, I'm napping.

Arthur: Oh, hi Daddy.

Bruce: *leaves the chat*

If Clark is kidnapped, he knows without having to ask that Bruce is going to hunt him down with the help of the entire Justice League. They’ll find him! He’ll be fine!

If Bruce is kidnapped, he’ll just sit there — maybe getting lightly tortured — and dread the arrival of all 17 of his kids, one angry Kryptonian without his emotional support human, Alfred having a RED moment, the Batcow, and all of the active JL members who don’t hate him right now (Hal Jordan will probably still come with, but he will complain the entire time)

Soap: Instead of of 141, this task force name should be skittles because everyone on this team is so gay we could be confused for a bag of skittles

Alex: We’re not all-

Soap: Oh don’t even start!

Soap: Me, a man loving bisexual!

Soap: That one *points at Ghost* if fucking gay as hell and I know that for a FACT because he fucks my brains out regularly!

Soap: That one *pointe at Price* Is a bisexual bear!

Soap: KATE IS A LESBIAN WITH A WHOLE ASS WIFE

Soap: That one! *pointing at Gaz* is a pansexual who hasn’t gotten laid in MONTHS!

Gaz: HEY!!

Soap: WE WORK WITH ALEJANDRO AND RUDY WHO ARE FUCKING MARRIED!

Soap: That one! *pointing at Farah* Your girlfriend who, let’s face is, you’re gonna end up marrying one day, is a woman loving bisexual DESPITE the fact that she’s with you right now!

Farah: Pretty sure I could be considered a lesbian while dating him

Soap: AND YOU! Just because you were a man whore for women before Farah doesn’t mean we all haven’t seen you kiss a few men before you two met! For all we know you could have hooked up with one or more of them!

A babysitter's guide to the bats: by Jason Todd

If, for any reason, I am not in Gotham, here's what you will need to know to keep the local bat population from killing themselves off.

Tim has to be fed and watered daily.

Do not leave Cass alone for more than 36 hours, you might find half the world's governments systematically dispatched if you do.

Damian needs to be hugged at least once every two days. He will not ask for these hugs, but Robin starts getting real close to murder if he doesn't get affection, and a murdery Robin is something Bruce and Tim cannot deal with right now.

Bruce can hypothetically take care of himself, but won't unless it's easy. Make sure the cave is stocked up on energy bars and protein shakes. He likes dark chocolate best.

Do not let Dick forget to sleep. He gets acrobat-y when tired, and if he breaks one more chandelier Alfred might actually quit.

Cass forgets to eat real food sometimes. She can no longer survive off tree bark, but will try anyway. Leave some blackberries outside her room or on the bench below the maple tree in the back and she will eat those instead.

Make sure Steph spends time with Alfred. They both get lonely without their bi-weekly tea and gossip hour.

DO NOT LET DUKE RUN MISSIONS. HE FORGETS THAT THE REST OF THE TEAM IS MORTAL.

Keep an eye on Babs, she has the means to dismantle every intelligence agency in the U.S. and is very close to finding a motive.

Sometimes Bruce and Tim forget that they run a company. Make sure they read their emails every once in a while, the board is ruthless and can smell weakness.

Tim is allergic to walnuts. He doesn't remember this. There is an EpiPen in the hall closet.

The no-metas-in-Gotham rule does not extend to Diana Prince. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You couldn't actually get rid of her if you tried. There is no Wonder Woman contingency plan. Don't look for it.

Titus has to be fed while Damian is at school.

Always make sure Red Robin has his third backup rebreather. He's recently decided he has a death wish.

Batcow is NOT allowed in the manor. If Damian tries to convince you she is, he is lying.

Selina will try to kidnap Damian or Tim. Let her, unless it's both at the same time.

If something smells like smoke, do not investigate on your own.

Do not let Duke drag you into a parkour contest. You will lose your dignity and maybe a finger.

If Tim falls asleep anywhere but the couch or his bed, wake him. We're trying to train his subconscious into taking care of him.

Bruce needs two hours of sunlight a day. The easiest way to trick him into it is getting Tim to play catch with him. It triggers his dad instincts.

Never agree to play hide and seek with Cass. You will never find her.

If Steph come to collect Damian for "an ice cream date," she knows something you don't. Her big sister intuition is flawless. Send him with a couple hundred in cash and a can of mace.

The rest of the family:

Steph | Tim | Babs | Cass | Bruce | Duke | Dick | Damian

actually though. various (sfw) kryptonian biology headcanons that skirt right up to human-passing

- higher base body temperature

- pupils that aren’t black but instead shaded slightly in the color of the iris. all kryptonians have unnaturally vivid eyes but it’s hard to tell exactly why unless you’re literally gazing into them

- tapetum lucidum (reflective eyes like animals) a bit harder to get away with, but are extremely funny because clark often does the maneuver where he’ll stand in front of a car to stop it, and this would make seeing him like seeing a deer but 10000000% worse

- they are actually bioluminescent it’s just that under normal circumstances it’s in the ultraviolet and we can’t see it. clark goes off to a blue sun mission and comes back looking halfway to electric blue superman. glowing stripes and freckles

- non-newtonian dynamic to their skin/flesh where it gets harder with more force applied; nothing unusual to the feeling of a normal handshake, but a punch thrown with force will break bone

- retractable fangs au because bonus teef are fun

- i swear some comic somewhere said something about nose gills

- solar lymphatic system primarily distributed along the spine. the entire spine lighting up with heat vision…

- they can collapse/skrunkle their spine a few inches; helpful with secret identity, but it restricts range of motion so it has the side benefit of making them a little clumsier

- blood tinged gold with stored solar energy

- just enough extra twist in their neck to enter uncanny valley territory - not quite looking straight behind but enough to be creepy as hell. kara would do this all the time

- golden age face squooshing. i do not think this should come back but it was actual canon for a while that they could just contort their faces. again creepy as fuck

ONLINE - 141 social media au

୨୧ 𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 : the task forces tinder profiles.

୨୧ 𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘴 : suggestive.

is this anything

Arguing about who is Damian's favorite brother

Jason: Dickhead doesn't count! He's basically the brat's second dad!

Damian: Actually I already have a method in place to determine which one of you wastes of space is my favorite if I'm asked.

Jason: Oh? Don't keep us in suspense then.

Damian: It's simple really. Whoever has the highest kill count at the time is my alleged favorite.

Jason: HA! Suck it losers!

Dick: No fair! I killed the Joker!

Jason: What?

Damian: And while I would normally count that as at least 10, since Father revived him-

Jason: WHAT!?

Damian: Todd, we cannot stop to explain all of the family drama everytime you find yourself out of the loop. You will simply have to unblock us and rejoin the group chat.

Tim: Yeah Jason, get your family updates like the rest of us

Damian: As I was saying, since the Joker isn't dead despite your best efforts, I've decided that your count is at 5.

Jason: So I'm your favorite?

Damian: No. Your confirmed kills are between 20-40. Unfortunately, Drake is my favorite since his confirmed kill count is in the low hundreds.

Dick: I'm sorry. Can someone please explain how my Baby Bird has a kill count at all

Tim, trying to escape through the vents: YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL ASSHOLE!!!

Damian: You swore that you didn't touch my Taj Mahal Lego set. I guess we're both liars

I remember seeing posts about Jason's goons being older than him and them realizing "Oh fuck, our boss is a child"

And now I'm just thinking about Jason venting to them every now and then because they're all collectively like "idk where this kid's parents or emotional support beams are, so ig it'll just be us"

So just imagine Jason returning to his base after a heated argument with Bruce and immediately going to his goons to wail about how badly he's been wronged

Jason, sobbing: And he just doesn't get it! *Sniff* I just wanted him to avenge me to prove he still loves me!

Goon #47, rubbing Jason's back: Mhmm

Jason: A-And I don't even ask for much! I just want him to bash in the skull of the man who killed me! Is that such a hard request?

Goon #47, texting the goon gc and telling them all to get their shit ready cuz theyre about to serve some roasted bat for dinner with a side of clown: Not at all, boss :)

Roadtripppp!

Soap, squished in the back seat: And why exactly does Gaz get to sit in the front again, Cap'n? Price, driving: Because he's my favourite. Also I don't trust Ghost being near the wheel. Ghost, grumbling looking out the window: Whatever, asshole. Gaz, smug in the front seat: It's true though, ever since Las Almas- Ghost: I get it, I get it, you don't have to remind me. Rudy, smushed between Soap and Ghost: Why am I here again? Soap: I needed a cuddle buddy, obviously? Ghost isn't a cuddling type, are you Ghost? Ghost: Nope. Rudy, sobbing: I want to go home. Alex, in the trunk: Can we pull over I REALLY need to piss. Farah, strapped to the roof outside peering through a window: Oh YOU want to pull over??!? Alejandro in Gaz's footwell like a literal dog: I feel so uncomfortable right now. Laswell, on the phone already at the destination, laughing: Should've just taken a plane, lady and gents. Should've just taken a fucking plane.