Price Doing Those Embarrassingly Gritty, Try-hard ThruDark Adverts For A Bit Of Extra Cash, Which Is

Ask: The 27th of April, Part 2

[Warehouse by Gotham Harbor, Gotham City, 1745 H]

Red Hood: *taps his foot impatiently while he checks his watch for the nth time* Come on, come on, come on. Make the drop, you guys. 

Red Hood: *sighs in frustration as he disassembles and reassembles his pistol in 15 seconds flat for the nth time* Let’s get it over with. 

Red Hood: *peeks from behind a stack of crates for the nth time* I don’t have all day. I promised Alfred I’d make it to dinner on time –

Red Hood: *stares at his ringing phone with narrowed eyes*

Red Hood: *picks it up* Roman.

Black Mask [on the phone]: *chuckling* Jason, my dear boy! How’ve you been? You look healthy. Very much alive, even.

Red Hood: *spots the tiny, hidden camera attached to a steel beam above him (How in the world did he miss that?) and cocks both his guns* Where are your men, ugly face?

Black Mask: Don’t you speak to me that way, you little rat! Before I make you a very D-E-A-… Hm. Forget I said that.

Red Hood: What?

Black Mask: The point is you’ve wasted your time waiting for nothing. So get lost!

Red Hood: Don’t lie to me! I’ve been tracking your every move for weeks and this warehouse reeks of your poisonous, criminal stench – 

Black Mask: *lets out a drawn-out sigh* Listen, just go home, kid. The carnage you were looking forward to today? Newsflash: It ain’t happening!

Red Hood: You don’t tell me what to do, you sick son of a –

Black Mask: I tell you what: You go home tonight – and I mean home – I’ll forward you the coordinates of every illegal shipment to and from Janus Cosmetics within a hundred mile radius. You can blow it all up for all I care. Deal?

Red Hood: And if you don’t? If you lie to me?

Black Mask: *growling* You’ll find them anyway, you always do!

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: Hm?

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: *plays a vinyl record in the background, sounding more relaxed* Because there are better days to dance our tango, Jason… Da-rum, da-rum, da-rum da-ra… 

Red Hood: … 

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

Black Mask: *crumpling a piece of paper near the phone speaker* You’re breaking up! *click*

>>> *** <<<

[Safe house, undisclosed location, 1815 H]

Red Hood: *fumbling as he enters the wrong passcode to the steel door for the third time in a row* Crap! Crap! Crap! I’m gonna be late!

Lock: Password incorrect. Initializing Code Red Protocol in three, two, o–

Red Hood: Override the stupid passcode! Activate voice recognition!

Lock: Activating voice recognition –

Red Hood: The Handsome Robin! The Handsome Robin!

Lock: Welcome, Jason Todd. Opening door n–

Red Hood: Hello, Safe House! *squeezes himself in the still-narrow space, then trips over his weapons, armor, and garments as he hurriedly strips himself of them en route to the bathroom*

Red Hood: *abruptly stops in his tracks* What the fuuhhh…

Red Hood: *watches as bubbly, green fluid oozes out of his bathtub* 

Red Hood: *picks up the rolled piece of parchment beside his Batshampoo, unties the ribbon around it, and spreads it open*

Note: “In case you needed more. [signed] The Demon’s Head”

>>> *** <<<

[Crime Alley, 1903 H]

Red Hood: *groans as he realizes that his motorcycle just ran out of fuel* Seriously? 

Harley Quinn: *rollerblading into view* Hey, Baby J! Need a lift? *holds up an extra pair of roller blades*

Red Hood: Yeahhhh no.

Harley Quinn: Come on! It’ll be fun! And I promise I won’t bite cha. *winks*

Red Hood: Oh, what the heck. *grabs the roller blades* So you really just carry around an extra pair of blades, huh? *proceeds to put his on*

Harley Quinn: Nope! But I’ve had this with me for a while now. *takes out a tiny package from the pocket of her shorts and hands it to Jason*

Red Hood: *examines it* Hm.

Harley Quinn: It ain’t poisoned or nothin’! Pinky swear! *holds out her pinky*

Red Hood: *frowning* What is it?

Harley Quinn: *claps her hands excitedly* Open it! Open it!

Red Hood: *gingerly unfolds the bubble gum wrapper and holds up its minuscule content* … A tiny crowbar?

Harley Quinn: Yes! You can open envelopes with it! Stir coffee with it! Hit tiny Mistah J’s on the noggin’ with it –

Red Hood: *chuckles and puts the gift in his jacket pocket* Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, I guess.

Harley Quinn: *holds her hand out to Jason* Come on! You’re gonna be late! Alfie ain’t gonna be happy!

Red Hood: …

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

And Jason’s confusion continues, @wingedskyes​ .

See: Part 1, Part 3

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

Damian and Jon hanging out at the Kent’s

Clark: Hey Jon, your pops just called me. Bessie went into labor so I’ll be gone for a bit. Do y’all need anything?

Damian: Your cow’s giving birth?!

Clark: Oh, yeah-

Damian, vibrating with excitement: Can I help?!

Jon:

Clark:

~ later ~

Clark, to Jon: You are marrying this boy. Do you understand me?

bye to a real one… add your favourite smash mouth tweet

Soldier: Calling my superiors by their legal names! _

Soldier: Sup, John Price, staring at him: Don't do that Soldier: ... I'm sorry _ Soldier: How's it going, Kyle? Gaz: Oh I don't like that. Mm, no, sure do not Soldier, laughing: Something wrong, Kyle? Gaz: No no- no likey Soldier: *laughs* _ Soldier: Hey, John, can you sign this doc for me? Soap: Sure- No. No absolutely not Soldier: Please, Johnny- Soap: NO _ Soldier: Hey, Simon, can- Ghost: THE FUCK YOU CALL ME?? Soldier: I'M SORRY Ghost: I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE SLEEPING AT ALL TIMES Soldier: I'M SORRY I'M SORRY- _ (bonus) Soldier: Hey, Kate Laswell: *stops walking and swivels her head around to stare* Soldier: ... This is scarier than LT yelling at me

Like all Arab mothers Taila al Ghul wears sandals for one perpose and one perpose only.

It is the ultimate weapon of discipline. It flies at speeds that go upto 380 k/h. Easy to put on and very easy to take off to hit her boys.

Jason and Damian grew to fear the sound of sandals.

They didn't clean their rooms; hight speed sandal to the back of their heads.

Half assing training; sandal in the face.

Rushing thought prayers; oh is dear, is that shoe flying.

Stuffing food down their throats; that's a very nice look bruise at the back of your head there boys.

And you best believe that when Jason and Damian have kids of their own, Talia would buy sandals for them.

Masterlist of Robin Musings

Brought to you by the twisted mind of @kindaangelic

The posts are linked to each character’s name! Happy perusing! Also be sure to send me any ideas that I may have missed, and I will continue to update this list!

Batfamily and Friends 

Bruce Wayne

Cassandra Cain

Alfred Pennyworth

Barbara Gordon

Duke Thomas

Bette Kane

Batwoman

Catwoman

The Superman Fam

Superman

Lois Lane

Ma and Pa Kent 

Kon El Kent 

Outlaws and Titans

Bart Allen

Bizzaro

Artemis of Bana Mighdall

Roy Harper

Starfire

Wally West 

Raven

Justice League Friends

Wonder Woman

Hal Jordan

Martian Manhunter

Flash - Barry Allen 

Villains

Lex Luthor

Two Face

Clayface

Ras Al Ghul

Harley Quinn

Mr. Freeze

Killer Croc

Scarecrow

Deathstroke

Poison Ivy

Talia Al Ghul 

The Riddler 

I choose to believe that none of Bruce's family respects the Matches Malone persona. They all think it's ridiculous. All of them have fake, Matches adjacent personas that they use to relentlessly mock him.

Like, Bruce shows up at some seedy bar to scrounge up some rumours, and sitting along the bar he sees

Dick with a BIC lighter in his mouth

Jason biting chunks out of a firestarter like it's chewing tobacco

Tim with an entire box of matches in his mouth, mostly tucked into his cheek like some kind of pyromaniacal hamster

Cass munching on a lit piece of kindling like she's Clint Eastwood

Steph's got a BBQ lighter hanging out of her mouth like a cigarette holder

Damian somehow got a hold of Firefly's entire backpack flamethrower setup, and it's sitting on the bartop with the handle in his mouth

And of course, Alfred has an entire candelabra, complete with lit candles, handing out of the side of his mouth. He still somehow looks distinguished

Bruce just gives up and goes home.

For the art meme…. Jason Todd C5 👁️👁️

this barbie is a crime lord 💖