High On Anxiety My Thoughts Make No Sense And Too Many Too Fast Wanna Find A Way To Get A Gun And Shoot

“whats your plan b?” - suicide

cutting myself back up sounds absolutely great right now

talking to/spamming my bf and he mentioned when we meet irl one day and that made me just shdhelwkvso

i don't know how he puts up with me but I love him, I hope we can really see each other one day. please be soon. i mean, im getting a job when I graduate, so maybe it's really possible..

going to attempt to get away with wearing long sleeves until May hits. hopefully the scars will be faded more by then.

current mood is wanting to fucking cry, scream, and rip my skin apart and hair out but actually I'm just sitting doom scrolling or watching youtube letting these feelings sit because you just don't have the will to do any of those things.

i know for a fact, no one else at my school listens to him or even heard of him.

which makes me happier, I can finally have something that's mine

they can't take that away too. they can't take my only comfort away like everything else has.

is it bad I want someone to do bad things with. to cut with. get high or drunk with. go around at night with. do teenage things with. but no, cant and couldn't have that.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED AND CONFUSING

if I actually cry this year it might be because of this pain. cause holy fuck. i am in pain.

well, mom now knows about the scars on my upper arm (which are deep styros and barely baby beans) and oh yay.

she seems these as "too far" (she thinks some should've had stitches. like no? they weren't deep enough for that)

i had to explain to her that I don't care how this affects others (like, you're not being physically cut into so like, why should it matter how it affects you? emotionally? try again, I don't care about that)

I had to "promise" not to do that deep again (I will) <-but will have to be careful because I dont want to be strip-searched.

downside, I have some deep ones on my forearm and near wrist that she doesn't know (that might cause a strip-search if she sees those, which fucks me over because my thighs are the worst place)