Currently Sobbing And Crying And Throwing Up And Dying

Trees/j.m.k

Pairing: au!Josh Kiszka x f!Reader

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: MINORS DNI 18+ therapy session discussing trauma, mentions (does no go in detail) ideations, running away, dissociation, kissing, mark leaving, humping, unprotected sex, overstimulation

as always, please lmk if any tags are missed!

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The first installment of Gretaween 2024 is here! Over the course of 8 days there will be works from other amazing creators added here!

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Please proceed with caution. This fic might be a lot for anyone struggling with suicidal ideations, those who struggle with dissociative thoughts, and even those who have experienced trauma at any point. There are no themes of SA implied or mentioned in this work, but themes of death, grief and the inability to grasp those concepts are.

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The cold weather couldn’t keep you from the woods. No amount of crunchy leaves stacked on the old mossy ground or mud puddles too big to walk around. Nothing. Nested deep in the woods resides a little cabin that you’d stumbled upon one day after school. It was a therapy day, you remember because you wore blue. Blue was for therapy days because therapy makes you sad, and blue is a sad color.

Fact, not opinion.

The little cabin in the woods made the blue days feel not so blue when the orange boy appeared.

When you first met, his hair was getting quite long, the loose waves bouncing around just under his ears. His hair wasn’t like that for long, he’d eventually get it cut, a neat mop of curls resting over his forehead. His voice got deeper, muscles got stronger, hair got curlier, but he still remained orange. Not physically, more so in the way he spoke and gestured. While not typically complimentary, he was the orange your blue needed, and you paired quite nicely.

In fact, the two of you paired so well that you never once bothered asking one another why they were in the woods that day. It felt right. Like all of the blue days led you here. The cabin is brown, physically, but feels yellow. Happy, warm, inviting. Outside the cabin is one giant tree, the tree you’d met Josh under. He was quiet at first, his breath being the only thing to give him away. Quiet didn’t last long, though. He’d grow to talk your ear off every chance he got, and you welcomed his words with open arms.

You hadn’t seen Josh in exactly one week. Something about needing to prepare something for you, a surprise if you will, and to meet him under the tree where you met him in seven days. So you waited impatiently for the longest, bluest seven days to pass without your complimentary person. It was surprising how unprescribed blue days could feel particularly blue. Blue was meant for therapy days. Dismal, a buzzing in your ears surrounding the thought of those grey walls, scratchy carpet and the chair that squeaks every time Dr. Tannis shifts his weight. That’s what blue was meant for, so you tried to fill the days with shades of orange and yellow that reminded you of Josh.

When the seven days were up, you found yourself barreling through the house after school, just to be stopped in your tracks by Mom.

“Honey, please don’t forget you said you’d take your sister trick-or-treating tonight.” Mom sighs as she releases her hold on your shoulders.

“But-”

“No ‘buts,’ Y/n.”

“But I have to go see Josh.” Your eyes widen at the name. You know better.

“Y/n…” Mom closes her eyes and tilts her head back. She was red, metaphorically. The heat and anger couldn’t be seen but it could be felt, and it was burning red.

“I’m sorry,” You sulk, your head falling between your shoulders.

“Please go get ready and make sure your sister is, too.” She tries forcing a smile across her lips, but the forced yellow couldn’t deceive red.

For the third consecutive year, you chose to be a vampire. The costumes were getting better, why choose a different thing when you could continue improving? You lean into the mirror, fanning your teeth to try and help the fangs stick. Your attention is directed elsewhere as you overhear Mom on the phone in the kitchen. Your eyes flutter shut as you hone in on her words, laced with blue-grey.

“She’s mentioning Josh again. I thought that had been discussed during her sessions.”

You don’t mean to listen, but if it weren’t meant to be heard, maybe she’d stop using speaker phone.

“It has been touched on, yes, but-”

“She is well past the age of imaginary friends, Dr. Tannis. Her entire life cannot evolve around the existence of someone who just… doesn’t exist.”

Doesn’t exist?

“Y/n, I think we need to backtrack just a little.” Dr. Tannis sighed as he sat down. He seemed to be paying more attention to the squeak, but the noise still left faint blue raspberry on your tongue.

“Well, Doc, I am an open book!” You leaned back in the chair as you popped a grape Jolly Rancher in your mouth.

“That is sort of the issue, Y/n. You’re not open about anything. We need to start working through what happened.” He clicked his pen before bringing his elbow to the desk and hand to his temple.

“I don’t remember. It’s like one day I was just riding my bike in the woods and everything turned black…”

“Is that physical or metaphorical?” Dr. Tannis raised an eyebrow. He might not understand the colors, but at least he tried.

“Physical black. And then the hospital and then I met you.”

“Do you blame yourself?” He looked up from his notepad, leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs.

“What?” Your heart began racing, on the brink of a panic attack. “B-blame myself for what?”

Were you supposed to blame yourself?

“The accident, Y/n. It’s common for a patient to blame themselves, especially if there’s no other explanation.”

“Uh- sometimes? I don’t know.” You squeezed your eyes shut trying to recall what happened. When you opened them, Dr. Tannis was scribbling on the notepad again. You caught some of what he jotted down, nonsense upon nonsense of how he thinks you feel.

“Why don’t we just move on? You’ve mentioned your hatred-”

“Distaste.” You corrected. Josh had changed that, you didn’t hate anything.

“Right, sorry, distaste for blue raspberry several times. Where does that come from? Can you remember when that started, Y/n?”

“I think it’s what the darkness tasted like. Kind of… metallic and cold.”

“Is the darkness where you created Josh? Could he be just a thought?”

God. You couldn’t have created Josh had your life depended on it. You’re not convinced a higher being could have either.

“W-created?! I didn’t create Josh! I met Josh! In real life!”

“Your mother’s mentioned never having met Josh. You’ve never attended school with him and you met after the… incident. Why do you think that is?”

“I already said-” Your words became very red, unlike you. You pressed your lips shut and took a deep breath before restarting. “He’s just not ready to meet new people yet.”

“Y/n, I think she’s worried about, well, if he’s real or not.”

“Mom’s crazy, Dr. Tannis. Of course Josh is real.” You swivel in the chair side to side, snapping Legos together as you sucked on another grape Jolly Rancher.

Finally, something where the taste matched the color.

”Does he exist here…” Dr. Tannis waved his arms around the room, “Or here?” He asked, tapping your temple. The chair squeaked as he leaned forward, causing you to wince. That damn squeak always tastes like sheet metal and a hint of wet dirt.

“Here!” You exclaimed, waving your hands around the room. “And if he didn’t, I’d do whatever it took to be wherever he was.”

“Y/n, as we know you’ve struggled in the past with… Ideations, we call them. I need to make sure that’s not the case.” His eyes grew worried as he tried studying you for answers.

“I wouldn’t do that.” You said pointedly. Your death would mean Josh no longer having someone there for him, alongside you not having him. That simply wouldn’t do. A deep sigh escapes your lips before you attempt to divert the conversation.

“I hug him every time I see him. We’ve… done some things… I know he’s real.”

“Done some-” His eyes widened, cheeks growing flush as the admission slipped your lips.

“Just kiss! We’ve only kissed.”

Dr. Tannis wore a furrowed brow and an expression that was almost eager for answers. Almost like he knew you were lying. You couldn’t, wouldn’t, tell him you and Josh had been having sex. That would have only caused more problems. The last thing you needed was more problems.

“And how did that make you feel, Y/n?” Dr. Tannis leaned forward in his chair, pressing his pen to the notepad.

“Purple and white.” You responded confidently. Purple and white, that’s how his lips felt against yours each time. His lips remind you of rose petals, the silky innocence of a flower and sweetness of nectar.

“Words, Y/n. I need… emotions, not colors.”

You hate that Dr. Tannis can’t understand you almost as much as you hate nobody believing Josh is real. You chose silence. There was no way to describe his honey coated, purple-white, rose petal lips in a way other than that. Dr. Tannis wasn’t necessarily accepting of the silence but knew he needed to utilize the rest of the time appropriately.

“Y/n, I think a-”

“Could you not use my name so much? It makes me all blue-grey.”

“Right, sorry.” Dr. Tannis clears his throat. “If he’s real, I think a conversation with Josh about meeting your mother would be good.”

“He is real.”

He’s real.

It’s not that you wanted to hide Josh. If you had it your way, you’d share his orange smile and warm embrace with anyone you knew. But he couldn’t go far. While neither of you disclosed how you ended up under that tree, Josh had opened up enough about his home for you to understand. Black and red. It was angry there, way worse than your blue.

You push yourself away from the mirror, holding back the tears that threaten your lash line.

“Not real.”

Who does she think she is?

Once Mom had learned about Josh, she began taking mental note of when you left and how long you were gone. You couldn’t sleep anyways, so you started sneaking out at night to see Josh at the cabin.

“Screw trick-or-treat.” You mumble to yourself as you grab your backpack, making way to your window. You scan over your room, a sense of blue-red and a tinge of black, washing over you. Semi-content with its look, you climb out of the window.

The ground is wet, mushy under your feet as you stomp through the tall, unkempt grass of the woods. The rain couldn’t keep you from Josh. Nothing could. Not trick-or-treat, not blue days or the squeaky chair, not the feeling of blue-black that washed over at the sight of certain things. No other color mattered when you knew orange would always be on the other side.

The rain turns to mist as you walk under the trees, the full moon peeking through just enough to wash the green in blue, physically. It’s silent outside of your feet squishing the wet ground and your backpack shuffling behind you, stuffed with handfuls of the candy Mom specifically said was for the trick-or-treaters. Josh likes Reese’s and BlowPops, so you saw no harm in bringing him some. Blue raspberry and cherry are his favorite. They were yours, too, but not until you tasted them on his rose petal lips. Blue raspberry reminds you of a memory you’ve never been quite able to recall, maybe that’s why therapy days were blue.

You shake your head at the thought of blue raspberry. Thinking of blue days and the squeaky chair would only ruin the orange. The cabin’s in sight and dimly lit, seemingly occupied. Unable to see him, you know he’s in there. You can feel his existence just beyond the trees.

You stand under the tree, back awkwardly against the thick, damp trunk so as to not crush the Reese’s and BlowPops. You run your hand over the carved initials in the bark, remembering the day you and Josh had placed it there. The first time you ever kissed him. The rain is slowly picking up again and you find yourself almost getting lost in the whispers of the wind against leaves.

Perhaps the wind works with the trees to tell us things, but we don’t hear. Maybe the wind doesn’t want to be heard, but rather it wants to be listened to.

Waiting begins to grow so boring you try to understand. Understand what the trees are saying. Understand what caused your original distaste for blue, both flavor and color. Every time you try to think, you find yourself unable to understand. You can never recall a time before the grey walls, scratchy carpets and squeaky chair. God how you hate that chair. It’s been years and yet he hasn’t gotten a new one.

Wait by the tree.

Wait by the tree.

Wait by the tree.

He’d specifically instructed you to meet him here, under the tree you met him years ago. Notoriously late, he wouldn’t be this late, making you lose hope. You start to deep breathe in attempts to avoid the orange becoming red. One foot slowly found its way in front of the other as you walked away from the lone standing tree into the sea of physical green. Just slow enough to keep waiting.

Waiting… Waiting…

“Wait!” His voice rang through the night time in a shade of yellow only he could embody, not the same as the cabin.

“Josh?” You turn to see him standing under the tree, leaning against the trunk. His chest is heaving as he fights for air.

“I-I’m sorry, I thought I had more time. They wouldn’t let me go.”

His parents. The definition of darkness personified. Every bad color couldn’t make them up. Black and red swirled and married in a nasty mixture was surely the reason he found solace in the cabin.

Even under the night sky he radiates orange. His rose petal, purple-white lips and beautiful brown doe eyes glisten in the moonlight. Breathtaking. Hauntingly beautiful. All of the good colors melted down like crayons to create him.

Josh doesn’t move, instead he stands and waits for your feet to make their way to him. Like a magnet, you’re drawn to him, wrapping yourself in his warmth almost as fast as it had appeared.

“Mm,” You hum into his chest, your fingers grasping the back of his sweater. “Smell so… so good…”

It wasn’t unusual that he smells good, but he does smell different. Like the summer sun beating down on a field of wildflowers, and hints of honeysuckle covered in morning dew. He smells earthy but in a way that’s good. You pull away from his chest and look up at his face.

“Fangs.” He nods and taps his fingernail against the fake tooth that sticks out from your lips.

“They’re kinda silly, aren’t they?” You bring your fingers to your mouth and pop the two fake fangs off of your teeth, discarding them into the front pocket of your hoodie.

“They were cute.” He frowns, wrapping his arm around your shoulder as he guides you a few feet to the cabin. “I missed you, like a lot.”

“You, sir,” You say, pressing your finger into his chest. “You’re the one who asked for seven days.”

“I know, I know. I just needed time to clean this place up. Make it special, ya know?” Josh opens the door to the cabin. It’s clean. For the longest time a thick coating of dust rested on every surface you had yet to touch, the impressions where the two of you would sit being the only clean spot. All of the physical grey is gone. The cabin feels more yellow now than it ever has before.

“Oh! I have something for you, too.” You smile and nod, pulling your backpack off your shoulders. Josh watches with a crooked head, his eyes narrowing. “Hold out your hands.” You instruct as you dig through your bag.

“Is it gonna bite?” He jokes.

“I hope not,” You reply, placing a handful of Reese’s and BlowPops into his large palm.

“Is this your way of telling me you want a kiss?” He teases, twirling a blue raspberry BlowPop between his fingers. You watch as he stuffs the other candy into his pocket before removing the wrapper on the BlowPop and pushing it past his rose petal lips. The only time blue looked and tasted good was when it was on his tongue.

It was no secret you’d thought about him in… that… way a handful of times before ever getting to be with him. Granted more so after the fact, and right now more than ever. The way his fingers felt against your lips earlier and watching his tongue work around the BlowPop did not make it better.

“Josh?” You whisper just loud enough for him to hear as you close the space between your bodies.

“Yes?”

So many things you want, need, to say evade you. So many pandora's boxes that you don’t want to open.

“I just missed you. Seven blue days was too long.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I missed you too, mamas.”

You wrap your arms around his torso once again, melting into his existence. You wish you could physically melt into him so you never had to be apart. Time away from him was always blue-black. You didn’t have to tell him that for him to know, he always knows what you’re thinking.

“I thought you were going trick-or-treating today.” Josh brings a hand up to cradle the back of your head, his fingers massaging your scalp. His voice echoes through his chest, deep and strong.

“S’posed to,” You mumble.

“Well, what happened? Talk to me.”

Mom doesn’t think you’re real.

Dr. Tannis doesn’t think you’re real.

Nobody thinks you're real so I ran away.

“I, uh, I guess I just missed you too much.”

“You know I can tell when you’re fibbing, right?” He pulls away, looking into your face as he tries reading you. He brings a hand to cradle your face, his thumb smoothing across your cheek. “It’s your favorite holiday.”

“I hate when you do that.” You huff, crossing your arms over your chest. The softer he gets, the more willing you are to spill your guts, he knew that.

“Well I hate when you do that. Don’t put the walls up, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“What are you, my therapist?”

“I can be. I think talking to someone who understands you would be more beneficial than Mr. Squeaky Chair.” Josh guides you over to lay on the old couch, the only piece of furniture that existed in the cabin yet you always sat on the floor.

“Aren’t we too old for this?” You choke out.

“Too old for what?”

“This. We hide away in an abandoned cabin and make out like horny middle schoolers. And my mom thinks one of us isn’t real.”

“Do you not like that?” He looks nervous as he asks, picking at skin on the sides of his thumbs.

“Well, I like making out with you,”

“But?”

“Everyone thinks you’re not real. And I’d like for them to know you’re real so I could make out with you in my bedroom instead. Have sex on a bed like normal people. I dunno.”

Something in the air shifts. The yellow-orange-sunshine is slowly engulfed by red-blue-black metaphorical darkness.

“We can’t do that.” Josh sighs and kneels down beside the couch, bringing his hand to hold yours. The warmth that always exists in his palms felt almost absent.

“Why not, Josh? Why can’t we be normal?”

“I haven’t been honest.” He swallows harshly. You wince as he moves his hand down to rest on your knee.

“Oh great, you have a girlfriend who goes to my college and-”

“No, not a girlfriend, or boyfriend or anything like that.” He rubs his hand up and down your thigh, trying to soothe the nerves he can sense tensing. Electric couldn’t begin to explain the way his fingers feel dragging across your clothed skin.

“Is it your parents?” You sit up and pat the couch next to you for him to sit.

“Not them, no.” He brings himself to his feet before sitting beside you, removing the BlowPop from his mouth. He places the half eaten lollipop on the window sill behind the couch before bringing his hand to cup your jaw. “Y/n, can you kiss me?”

“Josh…”

“Please? Before I say anything, please just kiss me.”

“Josh,”

Could it be that bad?

You shake the feeling, giving into your temptations as you press your lips to Josh’s. Your tongue explores his until the flavor of blue raspberry is nonexistent. Your fingers grasp at his hair, the feeling of his curls helping ground you. As soon as you pull away, you find yourself returning for more regardless of the flavor being long gone from his tender lips. Josh’s hands begin snaking up the front of your hoodie, his fingertips dancing along your sides. His hands against your bare skin feels like oil paints on a canvas, gliding smoothly and perfectly around every edge and detail at the mercy of the artist. Josh’s lips trail down your neck, nipping and biting at the supple skin on your throat, earning a soft moan.

Your hands can’t help themselves, smoothing down the front of his sweater and onto his lap. His length is growing prominent beneath his jeans. Josh follows your lead, his fingers tracing under the waistband of your leggings before pulling you onto his lap.

It isn’t long before you’re pushing your hips into his, rolling methodically against his length as he continues kissing across the expanse of your skin. Josh places his hands on your hips and pushes you down, your center resting over his thigh as your leg slots between his. His hands guide your hips back and forth as you grind your core against his thigh, pressing you firmly down onto him.

One of his hands slowly drags up your side before resting under your chin, raising your face to look at him. He likes to be watched, to be seen, just as much as he likes watching you. Your eyes meet his, warm and golden like summer honey.

“You’re so pretty,” You huff out, still grinding against him. Josh moves his hand to cradle the back of your neck, drawing your lips closer to his.

“Uh-uh. You’re pretty, my baby,” He trails off, pressing his rosey lips against yours. A warm, sweet taste grows the longer he’s there, your heartbeat in places you didn't know it could be. You bring one hand from his shoulder to the back of his head, your fingers nestling deep in his brown curls as you push him closer.

No word can even begin to explain how he’s got you. Josh’s hands work between your bodies, undoing his pants as you continue rubbing against him, a giggle escaping his lips.

“What’s so funny?” You ask defensively, slowing your motions.

“My knee is soaked,” He smirks as he dips his hand past his boxers, not so subtly stroking himself.

“Oh…”

“Is this okay? We don’t-”

“No, I do!” You shout desperately, lifting from his thigh to push your pants past the wide of your ass down until they sit at your ankles. You hover over his length, pulling his boxers down before sitting him at your entrance.

“I’m quite fond of you.” He whispers and looks up, peeling his eyes away from where your bodies are about to connect. The man who loves to watch himself wasn’t watching.

“I’m fond of you, too, Josh.”

“Like a lot, Y/n, and I’m worried about messing this up.”

“You won’t.” You assure him, sinking down onto his length. You hiss at the feeling of him inside, no matter how many times you find yourselves in this situation, it always feels brand new. You fall forward, melting into Josh’s chest as he brings his arms around you with his face tucked in the crook of your neck. His lips find a home sucking a hot trail of marks up and down the side of your neck, reaching his hands down to rid you of your shoes and bottoms.

Josh gently thrusts his hips up, fucking into you slowly, making you feel every inch of his thick cock in your hungry core. Euphoria courses through your veins in times like this, a sparkly, pink goodness that seemingly takes hold of you. Buried deep inside, he holds you down on his length as he readjusts your bodies, laying you across the couch with him above you. He places his hands on the bottom hem of his shirt and hoodie, lifting them over his head to expose his chest. You reach a hand forward and lay it over his heart, pinching your eyebrows together in confusion when you don’t feel a beat.

“You okay?” Josh asks, bringing his hands to the backs of your thighs and pushing them into your chest, allowing him to sink into you deeper.

“Uh-huh,” You gasp and nod as Josh brings a hand from the back of your thigh to lay between where your bodies meet, brushing his thumb over your aching clit.

“Oh… my god…” You gasp into his mouth. “Josh…”

“S’that feel good?” He mumbles against your lips as he slowly works one finger into your already full pussy, thumb still against your clit.

“Like-like,” You hardly stutter as he brings you closer to the brink of orgasm.

“Gold?” Josh suggests, curling his finger upwards as to draw an answer.

Gold. The smell of a freshly blooming sunflower field. The first s’more of summer. The feeling of the sun drying your wet skin after swimming.

“Like gold.” A mess of gasps and moans, you swallow harshly before mewling his name. “J-Josh,”

“Y/n,” He sings, a smile tugging the corner of his lips as they’re pressed against yours. Gold, yellow, honey, rose petal lips, purple-white. The overstimulation was washing over in more ways you could count.

“Josh, please?” You beg for something that’s already yours, a feeling of white-hot washing over your entire body as you feel yourself begin to spill over the edge.

“Gonna cum for me, pretty mama? It’s all yours.” Josh continues curling his finger up, tapping the spongy spot tucked where only he can find it as his hips and thumb keep a steady pace.

Your ears begin to ring like the broken bell above the church nobody attends. Almost in a possessed-like manner, your body convulses under Josh’s touch. As he removes his finger from your aching cunt, you hardly open your eyes to watch him lick your slick off his digits. Your face must look curious because Josh smirks once more before attaching his lips to yours. He tastes of honey, delicate flowers, an old library. To be engulfed and consumed by his flame is all you’ve ever wanted, all you’ve ever craved.

Josh follows not too far afterwards, his hips stuttering and stilling as his warm release coats your walls, his warm torso laying its weight on yours. He turns his head so his cheek rests on your collar, chastely kissing whatever skin he can get his lips on as his length softens inside. It feels weird but nice, oddly enough.

“Hi,” He whispers gently into your neck.

“Hi,” You copy, letting your head fall so your cheek rests against the nest of curls on his head. Slightly damp, but god does he smell good. Chests pressed together, you lay in silence wondering where the beating of either heart has gone. The two of you lay like that for a while, soaking in one another’s presence before Josh finally pushes himself off of you. Your chest grows almost empty and airy, like a helium balloon, without his weight on top to hold you down.

“Can you tell me now?” You groan, sleepy and winded.

“The issue is that I’m not from here, Y/n.” Josh sighs, pushing his legs through his pant legs.

“And that’s okay. But I want to see, Josh. I wanna see where you’re from.”

“It’s all black-red, you don’t wanna see that.”

“I want to know you. Let me see.” Your shoulders fall alongside your expression as you pull your panties over your legs followed by your leggings. Josh reaches down to grab your hand and for a second everything feels orange again. Josh offers a worried smile before everything turns physically black.

“Josh?” Not only is he gone, but everything in the distance looks to be going, too.

It can’t be.

Is Josh… Not real? Just a thought for your amusement?

As you succumb to darkness, you realize maybe blue isn’t so bad after all. It was much better than black, at least. Your surroundings felt like the blue raspberry, thunderstorm, whirring darkness that occured after the incident. Yet still you find you’re unable to recall anything prior outside of riding your bike in the woods.

Finally, you remember something but still not enough to answer what happened that day. All you remember is a glimpse of orange trying to pull you from the darkness and the taste of blue raspberry. A huge wave of grey-black sorrow washes over you, sobs ripping through your chest. Panic is all you know to do.

“Hey,” Orange wraps itself around you in the form of his arms, and even though you can’t see, you know it’s him because of the shade of his words. “It’s okay, I’m right here.”

“Where?” You shudder.

“In the heart.”

One deep, ragged breath fills your lungs as you open your eyes expecting nothing except pitch black, but you’re back in the cabin. It doesn’t feel yellow anymore.

“What happened?” You squeak out, just like that damned chair.

“Y/n,” Josh says gently as he walks to stand before you. He wraps his arms around your shoulders and rests his chin on your head.

“Josh, tell me what happened, I need to know.” You mumble into his chest as you choke back tears.

“We don’t exist.”

“Yes we do! We exist, Josh. We are real, we feel things. Could we feel things if we weren’t real?” You push yourself away from his hold and ball your fists at your side.

“You can ball your fists, but that doesn’t bring us back to life.” He frowns, plopping onto the floor. He sits criss-crossed, looking up at you with those big brown eyes.

“Back to life?”

“You died that day, Y/n. It’s why you can’t remember anything that happened.”

“Died?” You fall to your knees in front of him, your fists thumping against the ground. Nothing was real, at least it hasn’t been for the last few years.

“I tried to save you but I was too late. I saw you just… laying there, but I tried, Y/n.” Josh rests his hands on your knees. If neither of you are real, then how can you feel him?

For the first time you’re able to recall the darkness. Why it tasted of blue raspberry, where your hatred for the squeaking came from, why nobody believed Josh was real. You try again to remember the day of the accident, but to no avail.

Bike. Black. Blue. Orange.

Princess Diana’s looks in Season 5 of The Crown

My Chemical Romance - I’m Not Okay (I Promise) | 2004

my WIFE

OH MY GODDDDDD

Ambivalent (series)

PART EIGHT

Pairing: Josh Kiszka x Female Reader

Warnings: slight panic attack, language, drama drama drama

Summary: Four weeks at your best friend's cabin in the mountains is just what you need to wind down, but what happens when your ex boyfriend gets thrown in the mix and you're forced to hide your painful past from the one person who understands you?

MASTERPOST

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you but my back was cramping.” Josh whispers as you roll off his arm. 

Your eyes stagger open, adjusting to the light glow of the sun through the cheap curtains covering the window above Josh’s bed. You bawl your hands up in fists and rub your eyes, abandoning Josh’s bare torso in the process.

“Fuck, what time is it?” You yawn.

“Only seven-thirty,” he tells you. 

His fingers gently rake through your hair, making you fight to keep your eyes open. 

“Has Cami been over yet?”

“Yes, and don’t worry, I’ve already told her about our night of animalistic sex.” He jokes.

You grumble and playfully slap his hand away from your hair. “Animalistic is a reach,”

“Ouch. You were much nicer in my dream,” 

“Oh, was I?” You smirk, sitting up and crawling over his body until both knees rest on either side of his hips.

Straddling him, you bend at the waist so your bare chest is pressed flush against his. Your lips tease at the skin of his neck, your warm breath tickling him. He immediately reacts to your touch, his cock twitching in his boxers. His hands wrap around your body, his palms exploring the vastness of your back. He attempts to press his lips against yours but you sit up to avoid the contact. 

“Gross. I have morning breath.” You tell him, hands trailing across his pecks. “You’ve changed quite a bit,” your hands squeeze his biceps, “like here.”

He licks his lips. “Not much to do when you’re not around. Had to fill the void,”

He sits up, chasing after your lips again. “Josh, I’m serious. I stink!”

“Wanna kiss you,” he coos. 

Afraid to put your resilience to the test, you take matters into your own hands and roll off the bed. Grabbing one of Josh’s shirts off the floor, you pull it on over your bare body before slipping out of his room and into the bathroom.

Josh joins you no more than a minute later, still wearing only his boxers, his situation beneath them eased. He stands in the doorway, his arm propped up on the frame as he takes in the view of you wearing only his t-shirt with a mouthful of toothpaste. The corner of his mouth tugs into a playful, yet soft, toothless smile, and when you look at him, your heart skips a beat. You spit out a mouthful of foam before smiling back at him.

“What?”

He only shakes his head and takes a step towards you, grabbing his own toothbrush, his hand falling flat on your hip in the process. “Nothing.”

The two of you stand side-by-side, brushing your teeth in unison. It’s such a mundane task and one you never once deemed to be romantic or meaningful until this moment. But standing here this morning gives you a new perspective on this once boring task. For the first time since coming on this trip, you get a view of what life could have been if you and Josh never split; waking up in each other’s arms and brushing your teeth together. It makes your stomach sizzle and burn, the feeling of regret settling deep in the pit of your stomach.

“Okay, we’re done. Can I kiss you now?” 

You laugh, pushing those thoughts to the back of your mind. “Josh, my mouth is full of foamy toothpaste.”

“I don’t care, I want it. Toothpaste and all,”

He grabs your face with both hands and pulls you into a kiss. You immediately taste the minty-freshness of his breath as you lick into his mouth. His lips are wet, as are yours, and welcoming. His mustache is soaked from the water and sits damply just above your top lip. Your hands fall on his waist and you scratch his sides with your fingernails—an action you frequently did to him as a teenager. He sinks deep into the feeling. His hands are damp and the wetness morphs your hair to your face as he retracts from your lips. He stays a few inches from your face, his sweet eyes scanning over your features as his thumb lightly ghosts over your bottom lip. You get the feeling he’s about to say something that definitely should not be said right now, so you swallow thickly and take a step back. 

“We should get dressed before anyone walks in,” you advise. “We don’t need that happening again.”

He nods in agreement before leaving you alone in the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror and splash water over your cheeks until the redness of them dissipates.

——

“Just jump in, the waters warm!” Jita shouts at Jake from her position in the water. 

Jake stands stubbornly on the dock with a bottle of beer in his hands. His brows are furrowed and he keeps shaking his head back and forth in dismissal of Jita’s request. You tread in the water next to her with Cami on your other side—Danny not too far behind her. 

The six of you are enjoying your last week of vacation, secretly dreading the return to civilization. You had prompted to stay another week, but the boys have an album to work on and can’t extend the trip in any form. Josh had told you a few nights ago, his hand slipping into your pants. 

You two have yet to talk about everything that has happened in the past few days, but what’s new? Neither of you enjoy confrontation given both of your desperate need to not dig up the past. Even though no words have been shared, you both have a mutual understanding that this is exactly what you want. You’ve spent the last few nights enveloped in each other’s arms, skin to skin, listening to the pace of each other’s heart beats. You’d had sex three times, and each time felt more comfortable than the last. You felt, once again, connected with him, and you’re embarrassed to admit that you haven’t slept this good in five years.

“Come on you big baby! It’s not even cold!” Cami shouts, trying to coax Jake in.

He still stands like a tree rooted into the ground. The door to your cabin shuts and ours comes Josh, towels in hand, ready to swim. He silently approaches Jake from behind, holding a finger to his lips to warn everyone in the water. Jita keeps trying to persuade Jake to jump, the sound of her voice canceling out the sound of Josh’s feet tapping across the wooden deck. 

In a split second Jake, and his beer, go wailing through the air, hitting the water with a brutal smack. You shelter your face from the splash of water but don’t hold back on the cackle that releases from your throat. Everyone’s laughing, even Jake once he comes up for air. He turns around to give Josh the bird but he’s bent over laughing so he doesn’t even see it.

“Fuck you all,” Jake tries to remain serious but fails miserably. He wipes water and wet hair away from his face. “You’re all going to hell.”

Jita swims to him and throws her arms around his neck. “Oh, come on. We just wanted to swim with you.” 

“I was gonna jump in!” He defends himself. “You didn’t have to take it out on the beer.”

“Yeah right,” Danny snickers. “You’re like a cat, Jake. You were not going to get in.”

You all continue laughing and you’re so distracted by Jake’s fake pissed-off mood that you hardly notice Josh is swimming towards you. He stops behind you, leaving enough room for casualness, and taps on your shoulder. You spin around to face him, happiness still visible on your face.

“We should go for a walk later,” 

You raise an eyebrow. “A walk or you fucking me against a tree?” 

He nearly lets out a cackle but recovers by clearing his throat. “Whichever you prefer.” He shrugs. “No, I’m serious though. I want to get away with you for a few hours. Think you can schedule me in?” 

“I should be asking you that same question Mr. Rockstar.” You’re only teasing but deep down it aches. Your mind races with the idea of returning to regular life.

“Right.” His cheeks redden. “Wanna head out after this?”

“After my shower,” you tell him.

He smirks. “Can you schedule me in for that?” 

You roll your eyes, tossing a glance over your shoulder to make sure no one is around. “I’m actually all booked for that. Might have to catch the next one.” 

His top row of teeth bite down on his lip and he shakes his head. You watch him swim off to Danny, your eyes glued to the muscles carved into his back.

An hour later, you’re all showered and dressed. You changed into a pair of jean shorts and a plain t-shirt, not daring to risk wearing anything nice. You’ll be with Josh after all. 

“Hey, love. You ready?” He shouts from the living room.

“Yeah,” you call after him.

You find Josh tucked away in the kitchen, packing a few bags with healthy snacks and ice cold water bottles. He tosses in a few bottles of ibuprofen, well aware of the headaches that swell in your head after a few dreadful hours in the sun. After tossing in the sunscreen, he zips the pack up and hoists it over his shoulder. 

He’s wearing the simplest white tank top and some burnt orange khaki shorts, a burgundy bandana tied around his neck. An old thrifted cap sits on his mess of curls and you’re sure if there’s a gust of wind, it will blow away. Nonetheless, and not to your surprise, he looks as good as ever. His tan sticks out next to the white of his shirt and his muscles, carved and defined, prod at the skin. It takes every ounce of control in your body not to tear the fabric off his body.

You bite your lip as you approach him, your arms immediately wrapping around his neck as you do so. Josh welcomes the affection, connecting your lips quickly as his hands rest on your rib cage. 

“You look so granola,” you tell him.

He cocks an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“Wow. They really do take away your phones once you become famous.” You tease.

“Yeah, well, I’ve never been much of a technology person.” He tells the truth as he removes his hands from your body.

“So where are we going today?” 

He shrugs, opening the front door for you. “Wherever I feel like.” 

“That’s reassuring,” you say with a snort.

“Hey,” he tugs on your wrist once you’re off the porch, “I am the best tour guide you have ever had.”

You can’t help but giggle. “Josh, you got us lost for four hours one time.”

The sound of a cabin door creaking open steals both of your attention. Your neck snaps towards the sound, dropping Josh’s hands out of pure fear as you see Cami and Jake appear on the porch. You blink rapidly and wave back to Cami who’s curiously perched against the railing of the deck. She tilts her head, motioning you two to join her for a moment. You and Josh share a brief look of nervousness before walking towards her.

“Hey, you two.” She greets the two of you with a smirk. “Where ya headed?”

“Nowhere—”

“A hike.” 

Your words and Josh’s collide, making Cami’s face scrunch in confusion. You narrow your eyes at him but he only stares blankly at you. 

“We’re going for a hike,” you finish up, trying to clear the air. “It’s nice out, isn’t it?”

She nods in agreement. “Why didn’t you invite the rest of us?”

From his spot on the chair behind Cami, Jake giggles, only loud enough for you to hear. You were about to send a pair of daggering eyes his way but Josh had beaten you to it. 

“We just figured hiking wasn’t your thing,” Josh tells her.

“What? You know I love hikes.” 

You get the feeling that the questions won’t stop, so you decide to end it yourself. “Look, Cam. Let’s talk later, yeah?” You huff.

You grab Josh by the backpack and drag him away from the cabin, trying to escape before Cami can somehow scare a few secrets out of the both of you. After a minute or so following the trail that dives deep into the forest behind your cabin, you’re able to breathe steadily again. 

You glance at Josh who’s oddly quiet walking next to you. Deciding to give him another minute, you keep steady. The trees around you are a deep and vibrant green, thriving in the warm summer atmosphere. Hundreds of different kinds of grasses line the small dirt cleared path, creating a seemingly magical setting. Scattered pine cones lay randomly placed at your feet, twigs comfortably placed next to them. The sun only peaks through the top of the trees occasionally, the thick leaves acting as a canopy, protecting the life underneath it. You’re quite thankful for it as the sun was rather warm today.

After you’re sure it’s been five minutes without Josh saying anything, you finally speak up. “You okay?”

“Mhm,” he says without so much as even looking at you.

“Josh,” you pry, extremely aware of his sudden cold presence. “Are you mad at me?”

“Well I’m not exactly thrilled that you’re not pleased to be seen with me.” His tone is sharp and snarky.

“I’ve told you a million times. She can’t know.” 

He rolls his eyes. “I just don’t get it.”

“I haven’t even told her about us as teenagers yet. How would she handle this?”

“Don’t you think you should figure it out given the circumstances?” He sternly says, his features darkening. 

“What circumstances?”

He stops abruptly, causing you to take a few steps forward down the hill before also pausing. You turn to face him, your hands on your hips. His face is twisted like he’s just eaten something bitter and words wait on his tongue like he’s waiting to spit them out. 

“What circumstances?” He seemingly mocks you. “The circumstances meaning us practically living together? Us practically dating?”

“You mean the circumstances that are going to change in a week?” Your voice raises. “What’s the fucking point, Josh?”

His jaw clenches at his words but he has no argument to defend himself with. Instead, he swallows thickly and averts his gaze to the trees above him.

You sigh, rubbing your temples. “I don’t want to do this now. I’m sorry,”

“Then when should we do it? We’re going separate ways in a few days, remember? Are you sure you don’t want it to be sooner? If you want, you can take my car back to Nashville, you know, seeing you fucking live there too!” He holds his chin high, his nostrils flared in anger. 

His voice cracks and the sound makes your eyes open wide. Josh’s face is red and filled with emotion, his eyes glossed over and he swallows a bubbling lump in his throat. Without hesitation, you step towards him and place your hands on his forearms. He tugs away from your touch for a moment but soon stops, giving into your comfort. Once you take another step closer to him, he drops his head on your shoulder. Your hands work up the smooth skin of his arms, gently rubbing and massaging it in hopes of calming him down. Soon enough, his heart slows and his breathing evens out. His hands fall on your waist for a moment before tapping them, wordlessly telling you he’s okay. 

You know Josh doesn’t mean anything he says when he’s upset. He becomes a completely different person when he’s terrified. You cut him slack because secretly, you’re terrified too.

Josh straightens up and you press your chest against his. Your arms wrap around his torso, his around your upper back. His thumb rubs the fabric of your shirt but his grasp on you isn’t tight like it normally is. Your chin is resting on his collarbone and you turn it so your lips press against the damp skin of his neck. Your palm grabs the other side of his neck and cradles him quietly. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” You ask.

Your lips, moving against the crook of his neck, makes him suck in a hasty breath. He shudders beneath you, his grip loosening even farther. You mimic his actions, letting him to and stepping back. You leave a hand on his shoulders, keeping the contact. It seems that his once tan face has lost all color and sunk into a light pale shade instead. It makes your stomach squeeze around nothing. You wait for him to say something, anything, but it never comes. Losing the moment, you bring your hand back to your body and wipe a drop of sweat from off your brow. 

“Okay, well.” Your voice shakes along with your hands. “Should we continue?” 

He nods but his eyes are casted on the ground now. You mess with the hem of your shorts, not sure if you want to continue the hike. At least if you were at the cabin you could lock yourself in your bedroom or something. Here, you’re completely naked and vulnerable with no place to hide. Your heart beats rapidly under your rib cage as your breathing increases. You cross your arms against your breasts and you chew on your fingernails, trying to find the peace inside of you. It’s too awkward right now, and you’re too sensitive to handle really anything at the moment.

As if sensing your blood pressure rising, Josh’s eyes find your face. They scan your features and it doesn’t take long for him to realize you’re nearing panic. He immediately reaches his arm around your frame, pulling you back into his body until you’re trapped between his two arms. Your breathing is heavy and uneven, and you don’t even know why. You hate being this way; so out of control of your emotions. 

Just being close to him, being able to focus on the sound of his heart beating in his chest, calms you down immensely. You stay together for no longer than a minute, gathering yourself and cooling down.

“Aren’t we just terrible for each other,” Josh fakes a laugh, attempting to lighten the mood. 

You smile against his shirt with a sniffle. “Yeah, but so good too.”

He tilts his head so his cheek is placed on the crown of your head. “I’m sorry for freaking you out.”

You pull away from him just enough to tilt your head and look up at him. He looks all too sweet and soft right now, the gentle glow from the sun igniting his features. “Let’s just go home.”

You catch yourself referring to your shared cabin as home. At first it confuses you; why would your brain consider that home. As you walk back, hand-in-hand with Josh, you understand and agree. He’s there, and he is your home.

——

When you reach the end of the path near the cabin, Josh pauses. His hand, still in yours, loosens enough for you to easily slip yours out of it. You don’t, instead, you hold it tighter, flashing him a reassuring smile in the process. His cheeks pinken. 

You climb the stairs together, tugging the front door open. Josh laughs as the door hits the both of you, and you enter the cabin in a fit of giggles. Once you turn to face the living room, you notice Cami and Jake. You and Josh seem to catch them at the same time, both of you freezing in acknowledgment. Your hand stays buried inside Josh’s though, and you don’t dare drop it. 

“How was the hike?” Jake asks, his voice timid.

“It was good,” Josh answers, raising a brow at his twin. “What are you two doing here?” 

Cami’s standing now, her position stiff and her walls guarded. She wears a deeply pained expression, and given who she’s sitting in front of, you’re expecting the worst. Her eyes bleed into yours and for a second the whole world stops spinning. Josh and Jake disappear, leaving it just you and her. You feel your chest tighten and your mouth open to speak but nothing comes out. Josh lets your hand go, yanking you back to reality. No one has moved or spoken since, and you wonder if it’s been merely seconds or minutes. 

“I know.” Cami says, punctuating the words in hopes of clarifying what she’s talking about. She doesn’t even need to, you know exactly what she’s referring to.

@jordie-gvf @dilflover-4ever @lilbitx @gretnavannfleet @dayumclarizzel @takenbythemadness

can we bring back virgin/inexperienced danny… cause i need to dry hump that man until he cums in his pants while whimpering and whining little “sorrys” into my neck…

Oh, I love this. That whiny, out of breath, higher pitched, "sorry, mmm sorry, I-I just couldn't help myself, so fucking pretty." He'd whimper into your neck. The stain of his cum on his briefs. Your ego would be out of this world, seeing a man like this cum without even touching you? Oh yeah. Yeah, I think that'd be plenty of fun. He'd want to make it up to you so badly, even though you're not even slightly upset. He wants so badly to taste you, and he would take to it like a fish to water. He'd get so hard just from tasting you, hearing you moan, knowing all this was just from his tongue. The way your hands grip his hair, how he'd have your legs shaking in no time at all. You'd giggle later while coming down from your climax, "you swear you've never done that before?" "Honest." He smiles, wiping the well-earned wetness from his cheeks and chin.

I’m not okay (I promise)