Adam Hall ~ “Passes Us By” - Oil On Panel  34 X 40

I'm discussing this on my main blog as well but having a music special interest is so. Oh it is so perfect for us, with a healthy dose of classical and orchestral of course ✨️

POLL! PLEASE REPOST FOR BIGGER SAMPLE SIZE!!

Thinking about my love for categorization in terms of my altar, all my gemstones and incense and candles and how they all must mean something to me

Beginning to really understand the importance of change, transition, and impermanence, funnily enough not embodied in this character, but in the insect he is modeled after.

I had spent a lot of time trying to be everything at once, telling myself that it felt like authenticity, almost compulsively providing information for others to gain as clear a picture as possible of who I am. Upset to even cut my hair - the person seeing it yesterday and the one seeing it tomorrow now have two different images to contend with, and I am left to ask which is the real one.

The real issue began to arise when I realized that I wasn't driving consistency with my names. Legal, primary, and this secondary name I have here. I've used my primary for most places, but have introduced myself to strangers under the secondary. When my doctors call me by my primary name (an accomplishment in and of itself), I did not feel the need to correct them. I realized I may not want Shai as the name on my tag for my new job. I would have considered it if I had gotten work at the library I had applied to (putting that name on the application itself). Usage seeming to differ based on feelings I couldn't quite name.

It feels to me that I'm experiencing a fairly normal case for identity. A person is not the same at work as with friends as with family; I had tried to make all these one and the same. Even my primary on a tag would feel like a victory, but I'm not quite sure if I would even feel comfortable with my secondary.

After a violent division of identity, having been closeted and ill in an increasingly radical and abusive household, I feel I wasn't entirely sure how to reconcile with my newfound freedom and hindsight, and attempted to make every aspect of myself be the most prominent thing about myself. Each name blurred together, individual meaning erased under collectivity. It just isn't something possible. Not for most people, perhaps even for anyone. I'm contending with identity in a way that is standard for most people, but in a way I've never encountered before. My divisions were violent and laced with fear, of being outed as trans, as queer, as mentally ill, as autistic, as physically and chronically ill. Of being anything less than the expectation imposed upon me.

Removing those expectations made me feel lost, left to my own devices to determine who I truly was, and in blending and merging every concept of identity I had, I thought I had found a way to find myself. I still am, and this process has only been in place for a year, a year and a half, of course it wouldn't be finished. But I am discovering more about how my mind works and how I feel about it.

I am still thoroughly convinced this is a normal experience, one of many I'd never had a chance to encounter for myself due to my long abuse history. I would need to talk it out professionally, but I feel confident regarding my assessment, and can see where I would like to take it from here.

My kintype's birthday is alleged to be the day right before mine and only now do I realize that I should celebrate it not just as a character birthday as I've been, but also as an extension of my own since. well. kin.

Alterhuman ID cards that were posted at othercon! Idk who originally made them, if someone does know let me know! @thetrashduck

I've been holding on to the idea of making this blog for quite some time, and decided that no harm could really come from this + I'd like to seek out some community around this as well; while I've been familiar with the concept of kin for a while, and I've been genuinely identifying with it for about a year, I'm still fairly new to this and don't really know a lot of the terms, so I'll speak with what I know.

I have only one kin and it's Sh.aiapouf from H.unter x Hu.nter; it's all psychological as well, so no memories, canons, or anything of that nature, just a lot of connectivity in a lot of other places.

I want to be able to have this as a discussion space for this because it's been so incredibly integral to my coping and current recovery process; this blog is also going to be where I collect aesthetic images and the like that I feel fit. I also make periodic personal updates regarding my physical health. Overall, just carving out a nice space for myself here, and hoping to be able to see others doing the same.

[This is a sideblog, I follow/interact back from @/a.dhd-sh.aiapouf]

Tags, for quick reference:

🦋 Musings 🦋 -> talk tag

👑 -> interior architecture for palaces, etc

❤️ -> lovecore style imagery

💭 -> catch-all for other images

I have so many images of architecture and interior design saved to put here....

Are we legitimately getting. machine dysphoria