Nothing In This World Gives Me More Of A Rush Than Contradicting Myself, Like Yes I Changed My Mind!

nothing in this world gives me more of a rush than contradicting myself, like yes i changed my mind! maybe i'll change it back, or maybe not...

Pillars of Simulacrum, and Simulacrum

Ethel Cain

Annotations of the pillars in Pulldrone and 'simulacrum'.

I: Apathy

I am that I am, and I am nothing

The great dark is reality, the world, the place of realization and truth; The ever acknowledgement of one's unworthiness—away from the distraction of divine theater.

II: Disruption

There goes a great shudder through the muscle, a shimmering of bells through the mist.

The great shudder—the great discovery of divine theater; universal for mortals.

A shimmering of bells, represents heartbeat through the mist—confusion, tension and sweat.

Such sensation is strange to the inexperienced, they may find themselves wandering through a mist—with bells (heartbeats) signalling the unknown.

III: Curiosity

One quick moment to crane the neck

A universal gesture for mortals upon facing the unknown.

“I have always possessed the insatiable need to see what happens inside the room”

Every mortal has always had curiosity, living in the great dark—a place of apathy, everyone is quick to wonder what happens in the doors of unknown, like that of Pandora—the first female mortal; it simply is in every mortal's nature.

IV: Assimilation

Lo! Wellspring of knowledge, of feeling, of sensation. Beauty—overwhelming.

I will dislocate my jaw to fit it all in.

They obtain knowledge of divine theater, however only with closed eyes; They only acknowledge it through sensation and feeling—still truly oblivious of it.

Their determination to risk a part of themself is rooted from their lust and greed.

To dislocate one's jaw to fit more, symbolizes the attempt to break physical limits.

Similar to the lyrics in Amber Waves, "And pretend at the chain link that I am the wood." As Hayden has said, it means to pretend that you can be more than your physical limits.

V: Aggrandization

The pull. Yes, the pull.

The narrator has to confirm that it is the pull that they are calling to, as the pull is part of something complicated and is not found visually nor it is physically present.

Send down your cordage of suffocation and let me in.

Possibly a reference to the fairy tale, Rapunzel; One can aggrandize themself and demand the pull to escort them—they represent Mother Gothel, who has no real authority over Rapunzel, yet demands her of such things as if Rapunzel is hers.

VI: Delineation

I want to know what god knows and I will be with him.

The desire to become one with god.

To delineate is to portray something precisely, however no one can portray god as it is unknown. Mortals may pretend to know or fully understand god, so they have the confidence to portray it.

The narrator addresses god with masculine pronouns—him, but Hayden has said that god's pronoun is 'it', as god is not a being nor does it have gendered pronouns. From that, It is obvious that the narrator doesn't know god.

Sent over the edge, I sigh.

Flush against the veil, I sing.

With the desire of becoming one with god, they are sent to proximity to it but flushed against its presence later. When it has been proven to them that they cannot cross the veil, they sing—a metaphor for crying.

VII: Perversion?

The word 'perversion' is pronounced in a distorted voice and it sounds as if it is questioning. God does not understand perversion, as it is only mortals with flesh who can feel it; It is not understood until it is felt.

It is no good, bearing false witness; The sinner's errand.

It is to lie—to pretend that you are not an audience or witness of the divine theater, it is pointless.

I am what I am–

God knows itself; it is not amongst mortals, as it cannot understand perversion that only mortals possess and know.

–,but we are not the same.

God somewhat understands all the pillars of simulacrum, except perversion. It expresses its difference upon mortals—'we are not the same'

It is no good, speaking of fairness; The fool's errand.

It is pointless to justify sin or try to reason.

Similar to this lyric Punish, "I was an angel but they made me leave" The narrator is righteous of their sin, they reason falsely.

Also a good example is this lyric in Mitski's song, Bug Like An Angel: “I try to remember that the wrath of the devil was also given him by god.” In order to feel less bad of oneself, some may consider evil as just a product or manifestation of environment, justifying their sin because of trauma and pain they've felt from their life.

VII: Resentment

Are these laurels to be proud of?

One can be incapable of appreciating success when they possess greed.

Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to live. Hate. Hate.

A quotation referencing to the book, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, the AI antagonist has many capabilities and success of annihilating humans but at the end of the day is still AI, unable to feel what humans could—it symbolizes the limits of mortals, having many experiences of divine theater but will never feel what god feels; Mortals can hate their limitation.

The second pronunciation of 'hate' is distorted, representing madness and corruption. It could also be representing Am's voice—the AI antagonist in I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream.

IX: Separation

I was an angel, though plummeting.

One could claim themself an angel, but they can plummet.

The stars are as beams, shining through the wheel. I am sure that hell must be cold.

They are now certain of their sins and the consequences of it; They know what layer of hell they will descend in—the ninth layer, where Cocytus or the frozen lake exists.

X: Degredation

Nature chews on me

(I have made a detailed post about this, check it out) They feel as though nature chews on them, in a way that reality hurts them; They are not in any distractions as they are now descending from the divine theater. The truth is hurtful to most mortals. To degrade oneself is to accept truth.

XI: Annihilation

This agony, such is the consequence of audience.

Punishment is a manifestation of your own doing, it can be in different forms, it includes shame and guilt; The narrator feels the agony of their punishment.

They realize it is the consequence of witnessing the divine theater; It had led to their fall.

I will claw my way back to the great dark and we will not speak of this place again.

They swear to never enter the divine theater, or commit sin ever again. The pursuit of the divine theater is not sin, but it can be; The narrator has transformed their divine theater into a medium of sin over time.

XII: Desolation

The state of emptiness and obseleteness.

Therein lies sacred geometry of onanism, of ouroboros, of punishment.

Onanism is a made up word of Hayden. From my research, it is interpreted as the practice of m4sturbation.

Ouroboros is an ancient symbol of a snake eating itself—a symbol for cycle. It eating itself, symbolizes the cycle of greed; harming and destroying parts oneself like that in the pillar of assimilation, I will dislocate my jaw to fit it all in—they destroy themself to consume.

Punishment is the consequence of one's wrong doing.

All of which are described as a geometry; It is a complicated phenomenon, a cycle that repeats—occurring in everybody.

I am that I was, as I no longer am, for I am nothing.

Like the pillar of apathy, this perspective is in the great dark; Both deeming itself as 'nothing' but in the twelfth pillar, it might now mean a more literal nothing: death.

Simulacrum

Interpretation based on Hayden Anhedonia and Jean Baudrillard's ideologies.

Definition:

an image or representation of someone or something that replaces reality

The image of one, that replaces them; Their sins and doings are the simulacrum of their character, until it becomes hollow—their image or simulacrum becomes their true self. If mortals feed on their perversion, it could become what they only will be—a pervert and lose their real self; a mere outline that replaces complicated reality.

A simulacrum can be hollow, where a fake representation does not have a real copy. The Ring, The Great Dark, The Divine Theater and the Pillars of Simulacrum starts off as a made up representation or image from Hayden and Baudrillard, they are simulacrums, but of reality that is not exact—they create their own reality.

“I've tried so hard to explain it in words, what it meant to me.” lyrics from Houseofpsychoticwomn.

Hayden has made her own hollow simulacrums, the ring and her song lyrics, such as Onanism and Thatorchia—words made up to represent something with no exact reality or real copy.

@mothercain