“There Is Always Something Left To Love.”

“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

— Zora Neale Hurston (via clash-official)

stay, good girl.

I hate her so much.  Yet, she’s my “best friend”.  Best friends do not do what she did to me.  Best friends don’t treat eachother like I treat her.  But then again, nothing in my life ever goes as planned.

School tomorrow, then work.  I like to keep busy.  Idle time is the devil’s candyshop.  Or something like that.

Brandon, my boyfriend, has been acting different.  Well, come to think of it, maybe I’m the only one acting different.  Having people constantly remind me that him and I don’t go together makes it hard to remain stable in the relationship.  They say he’s controlling and doesn’t respect who I am.  What do they know, right?

I cut myself shaving earlier.  It felt great.

Let’s hope I can stay in my bed tonight.

..what do you want from me?

I suppose the reason I’m not honest with you is because I don’t trust you.  Please, make me trust you.  Your intentions are blurred from where I stand. 

Turn out the lights. I’ll love you until you love yourself.

“Don’t be afraid to let life wash over you. When you run from pain, you run from an opportunity to grow. Embrace life as being in a constant state of flux, and do not separate yourself from any part of it. You are only robbing yourself.”

—

Elliott Hulse | @themotivationjournals

via addicted2success

lost dreams awakened

I gave blood Tuesday. I’m not telling you because I want to boast about being charitable. I’m telling you this because I was never supposed to be permitted to give blood. Being diagnosed with hepatitis c meant no sharing nail files, no EMT license, and certainly no giving blood. Now that I am cured, I can do all those things. When I was thirteen I wrote a bucket list. Giving blood was on that list. I can now cross it out because my God does phenomenal things in my life. We do recover.

not worth the glance,

Seriously, ha. I don’t log on as much as I used to. I just don’t seem to have the time, really. I would like to post an update, for memory’s sake, if nothing else. Some much as changes but so much as stayed the same. I can hardly ever remember what I’ve already posted about so forgive me if this gets repetitive. It’s been about a month since I got out of rehab. It was a terrible experience to say the least. I was only able to stay a week because I don’t have insurance. I didn’t even make it that long though. On day six they sent me to a mental hospital and it was there that Jess, my boyfriend picked me up. I suppose they thought my mental state made me a danger to myself and others? Whatever the reason I was transported two hours back to Nashville and once there I refused to be admitted and had Jess come get me. My parents were gracious enough to allow me to stay at home until I find a job, which has been much harder than I thought it would be. I do have an interview tomorrow, though. I was hoping to get away from the restaurant business but I need a job so I am more than grateful for the opportunity. Jessie got a job today! I am so proud of him. It’s at a granite shop he used to work at making 15$+ an hour. The shop opens in a week or so then we will be back on our feet! I just got off the phone with him, actually. He said he’s especially happy about this job because it’s making enough to where we can get married this calendar year, or at least engaged. That really made me happy. I love when he brings our future up. It shows me that he really wants me in his life. I know he does, but reassurance always feels nice. Right now he’s not allowed at my house and I’m not allowed at his. His mother feels it is unhealthy for us to spend time together. That no longer matters though, because she kicked him out three days ago. They were arguing and he said “it’s shit like this that makes me want to use, mom”, she took that as him saying she is why he used so she immediately told him to leave. I was outside waiting for him and she followed him out the door yelling. So I yelled back, “Stop, we’re leaving!” She then tried to attack me. No, seriously. Jess was holding her back so she started choking him. It was the craziest mother/offspring fight I have ever been around. I thought I had seen some shit with Destiny’s mother but she just overreacted because of the love she had for her daughter. Shona, Jess’ mother, is just fucking insane and frankly, lucky I respect Jess enough not to flip my shit in front of his mother. I swear, I’m getting pissed off just thinking about how that woman treats her children. Needless to say, he’s staying with a buddy of ours until he gets his first check and can rent a place out. I have such wonderful parents. That is one thing I’ve learned through the years with all my friends/girlfriend/boyfriends parents hating me. My parents may not have liked my friends but they never talked ugly about them or disrespected them. I know they love me so much. They kicked me out right before I went to rehab and honestly that probably saved my life. I know it was terribly hard for them to do but they loved me so much they were willing to break their own hearts in a desperate attempt to save mine. After everything I’ve put them through it amazes me how much they still love me, and continue to show me love. If I could have anything in the world, it would be to somehow renew the happiness my parents once knew together. It really upsets me to know how unhappy they are. In fact, I’d rather not talk about it. There is so much I miss from the life I used to live. I miss when hangovers were the worst thing that could happen to me if I got fucked up. When I was getting dope sick every single day, all I could think about was how I wished I was a normal 21 year old out partying, drinking, dancing not fucking shooting dope praying I had a get well shot for the next morning. I miss having money, saving money. I miss going shopping, going out to eat with friends, all that normal shit. I miss Destiny. I miss sleepovers. With that said, now that I’m clean and done with all the dope shit there are things in my life now that I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t fall so far away. Like, the friends I’ve met in meetings, and as ignorant as it sounds, the knowledge/maturity going through all that shit has given me. It forced me to grow up way too quickly. I can’t dwell on that because no matter how upset I get, I will never get that time back. All I can do is look forward to tomorrow and be thankful I wake up feeling somewhat normal, instead of needing a shot to even drive my damn car to get to work, much less actually work. I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that in the morning I can roll out of bed, take a deep breath, and just be me. By no means am I happy, there is still so much work I have to do on myself to restore any kind of mental stability but I can rest assured that at least now I have the chance to do so.

death, dying, and unconscious sex;

I leaned over the boiling oil at work yesterday and suddenly I wanted to be submerged in it.

Sometimes people ask me why I get so unhappy.  I don’t know.  I just know that I do.  Even on some the days I take my medicine correctly.  Of course it’s not as bad as it normally would be, without the medicine but I still find myself wanting eternal sleep.  It’s a shame relieving yourself of this seemingly unpleasant life is a sin.  I would rather not go to hell.  So, for now, I’ll stay here.  It seems praying for death all these years hasn’t worked.  I don’t know why I still try.  The last time was less than a month ago.  Bravo fuck-up!

As a younger girl I used to think about how it seemed to me that a guy couldnt possibly have sex with an unconscious girl and live with himself.  Today I have been informed that they are just fine with it.  That bastard.  He told me he would never do that to me.  I swear it didn’t happen.  I would remember that.  Is he lying?  Or did I some how convince myself so well that night that it didn’t happen before sobering up that I have no memory of it?  It didn’t happen.  It couldn’t have. If so, that makes twice now.  Sixteen, and eighteen, who would’ve thought that would happen to me?  I am too strong for this shit.

BASTARD.

Please, what’s said on tumblr is never meant to be repeated.

Gratitude list 1;

-I am clean today. -My family. -My boyfriend. -My sponsor. -New friends. -My health. -My home. -My car. -My job. -Narcotics Anonymous.

“Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you’ll be able to see farther.”

— J.P. Morgan