“I’m Not The Person You Left Behind Anymore. There’s No One Here To Miss.”

Let's give this one more try.

My last tumblr was abrubtly exposed my a friend of mine’s mother.  She’s always in their business.  So to avoid any nonsense about things I had written I deleted mine as soon as she started questioning it.  My friend and her sister stopped using it. They didn’t see any point in it with their mother checking up on it everyday.  I’ve given it a while to cool down and so far I’ve seen no sign of her or them here.  So, I signed on to a new tumblr.  Hi.  Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

I got to see my baby tonight!! Oh and my boyfriend, Jess, was there too, heh.  He’s officially put up with my bullshit for two years, today. Shit has been really rough these past couple months and it’s not going to get any easier for at least another three months but today I am grateful to have him in my life. It’s really comforting to know that although I have to wake up alone for now, I can rest assured that my best friend/lover is rolling over thinking of me too.  I love you, baby.

envy

I’m so selfish, I know. I don’t ask for much, really. Just time, your time. All I do is work and anticipate your arrival. It’s not your fault that I require so much. I wish you could see what I see. I am grateful, of course, for the joy I’ve found in being in a relationship with you. Physically, and emotionally. I see you so occupied. I long for some type of fulfilment, other than your touch. I am old enough now to know that giving someone all of myself leaves me with not much to work with. I get so frustrated because I really know no other way. It’s all or nothing. Love or hate. Yours or mine. I’ve never been very good at sharing my attention, not that I have anyone I need/want to share it with. I know I’m just sitting here alone, feeling sorry for myself but damn. I need something else in my life. I can’t rely so much on him. I can’t rely on a substance for entertainment. I can only write for so long about so much. Sometimes I want to get away from myself. Escape. To where? I don’t know. What do I need to escape from, though? I have a happy relationship, nine months clean, loving parents, a job, a home. What more could I ask for? What am I even looking for? I know I need to attend more meetings. I have told myself that anything I have to say is too intimate for the public that is Narcotics Anonymous. So, I go and sit in silence. Although competent and content, it just isn’t enough. I will feel better in the morning. I always do. I could sit here and sulk all night. I am blessed with the money I’m making this week. I am blessed with the upcoming opportunity to start a new medication with 90% success rate. While nervous and almost reluctant, it is a blessing. I just pray my insurance will cover it. There is no way I’ll be able to afford it otherwise. It’s something that keeps me up at night. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I want to touch and be touched, without having to think twice. I haven’t said much the past few months. I tried to make myself write on paper. I am better. I just suddenly became so frustrated I didn’t want to get off the couch. I want to feel like I am saying this all to someone other than myself. That’s just it. I want someone to say this to. Someone who wants to hear about my day. I want to hear about their day. My boyfriend does all this for me but it seems I need another outlet. He had so many people looking up to him. So many people that want to hear what he has to say. He shares his attention with me and the many others in his life. So, when he is spending time thinking of others I lay inches away from him patiently waiting to be at the top of the list for a few more minutes. He is everything I need and more. I don’t deserve him or what he does for me. I just feel, I don’t know, alone. And that is fucked up. I live with the most remarkable human being I’ve ever met and I still find myself making “accidental” movements just so he will look my way. Maybe that’s love, maybe it’s obsession, either way it’s there and I must find my own way of making the most of what he is to me. In the end, I think I’m just envious of him and his time. He is so praised in our community, he loves and is loved. I, by choice, am as far back in the shadows as one can exist, all things considered. I don’t know how to interact normal. Fearless and delighted. Furthermore, who doesn’t want attention from their significant other? Sociopaths. I’m beginning to ramble so let me just tell you what has been going on. I moved out of the halfway house and got an apartment with my seemingly heaven sent boyfriend. I am a few days short of nine months clean. I am being promoted at work. I have began to seek treatment for the damage I did to myself while using. I was asked to speak at a fundraiser which may not sound like a big deal but it has been a milestone in my life for the maturity I am having to take on. Running out of excused for misbehaving. My family is a wreck but they love and accept me, as I do them. My eyes are beginning to burn.

Turn out the lights. I’ll love you until you love yourself.

changes

Everything is changing. I have a new job. I’m a server at a restaurant called The Aquarium. So far, I love it. I’m making double the amount of money I was making at El Chico and we’re in slow season so it’ll only get better. The tables all surround this 200,000 gallon tank full of sharks, eels, sting rays, and numerous other animals. It’s strange, though. When I started at El Chico my entire focus was on staying clean. Every day was a struggle. I remember telling myself constantly, “Just don’t use today, maybe tomorrow will be different.” Now, I’m a bit more emotionally secure so staying clean daily isn’t as much as a struggle. Therefore, starting a new job I have found new struggles. None of these strangers are going to be impressed by how long I’ve stayed clean. They don’t care that I pay my bills on time. They’re not surpised that I attend my siblings birthday parties. These are all normal things, that normal people do every day. So what do I have to offer then? I’m no genius, I’m no beauty queen, and I’m certainly no athlete. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I’m just finding it hard to start conversations and make friends. I’ve only been there two weeks, so I’m sure it’ll get better. I just worry, often. Next, I start school on Tuesday. I know I am capable of doing well, I just wonder how hard that is going to be exactly. No pills, no sleeping with professors. Just me, honestly trying my best to do this right. It’s just an odd concept that I’m having to adapt to. Honesty, for one. Being a responsible member of society, etc. I’ll be fine. I just need to pray more and think less. Now, my relationship is still going wonderful, I think. He is struggling right now. His work is stressing him out as well as the mother of his son. It’s just an odd feeling. While things are changing for me, I’m at the best I’ve been emotionally. I’m aware of my issues and taking steps to fix them. For once, I’m finding myself telling him that everything is going to be all right. For the first 18 months of our relationship it’s been the other way around. I’m willing to provide him with the same support he’s given me all this time but I’m just not sure if I’ll be any good at it. I love what we have and I’m willing to work at it, I just hope I don’t make it worse. I’m on my 6th step. I was fully aware of all my character defects a few months ago, but now that I’m living right they don’t seem so obvious anymore. So, I’m wondering what are they and how do I find them? It’s date night, so that’s all for now.

“Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you’ll be able to see farther.”

— J.P. Morgan

wordsnquotes

chances of impulse

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, they really are okay with being just friends?  Or maybe they’re just really lonely.  Either way I’ll take it over being used.  We just watched tv for an hour and a half.  Simple.  I know he tried to be a good friend.  Whereas him, Idk how to read.  I can see in his eyes and the way he talks that he’s got some dark secrets behind those eyes.  I can see that it’s hard for him to be okay with opening up.  But, come on, you can’t just not talk.  You can possibly be as apathetic as you pretend to be.  and you, you can’t possible care about me the way you say you do.  Why me?  Why not all the other girls.  I hope you all show your colors soon before I go color blind. 

I don’t know why but I did it again last night.  It was impulsive.  It popped into my head and I got up walked to the bath room and did it like it was brushing my teeth.  Without flinching or blinking.  I ran over the first one a few times then decided it was inadequate and I needed to take advantage of the chance I was taking. So I did it twice more around the same spot.  I wasn’t satisfied because the utensil was dull, but it had to do because I had people to see and places to be.

I didn’t lie, I just changed my mind.

This ring I accidently shoplifted from earth bound, well I’ve decided it will be my sanity ring.  It says, “wherever you go, there you are”.  I thought a lot about what this could mean and I decided that for me it means that the journey is the destination.  And as long as I’m wearing it, I’ll remember everything will be okay.  And as long as I wear it I’ll know that I’m awake.

I decided I’m going to try to start making more gratitude lists. I can’t decide how I’m going to do it but today started with ten things. The things I listed are things thast I am grateful everyday, and always will be as long as those things remain in my life. My hope is to perhaps name ten things periodically and never say the same thing consecutively. For example, on the first one I just posted, I mentioned my boyfriend. On my next list, I will not say my boyfriend. That way, I’m not taking the easy way out by restating the same things towards each attempt of remaining grateful. We’ll see how long it lasts, if it lasts at all. I spoke at Cumberland Heights (a rehab in the Nashville area) Wednesday. I didn’t plan on speaking. The plan was to tag along to learn about H and I (hospitals and instituations). The women originally chosen to speak couldn’t make it so I was asked to take her place. I was so nervous. I was afraid I would bring the wrong message. For all I know, that meeting could have been the first time some of them had ever even heard of NA. I wanted people to be attracted to the program. It, among other things, has saved my life, and contionues to do so on a daily basis. I was also nervous because of the public speaking part of it, of course. Standing on a stage in front of upwards of 60 people speaking is uncomfortable. I spoke entirely too fast, and not long enough. There was one girl in the crowd particularly that I hoped to reach. She ended up asking for my nunmber, so hopefully I said something that touched her in someway. Even if I only helped one person, that’s still enough. My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation earlier. We talked about what we would do if one of us started using. It is suggested, of course, that you don’t date another addict when they are using. The point we made is, if we love one another how can you just turn your back on them? Fortunately for us, we don’t have to figure that out today. He is struggling in his recovery. It frustrates me that he doesn’t follow suggestions but I am learning to let him work his program while I work mine, seperately. It’s much easier said than done. He knows what to do and won’t do it. With that being said, I want to lose weight and haven’t done anything about it. So, I’ll just pray about it. My parents, boyfriend, and I went out to dinner tonight. IT was in honor of my late birthday and my parents’ anniversary. I was able to pay for their dinner tonight. As reluctant as they were to let me do it, I am so grateful to have the ability to do that today. That’s all I have to say for now.