When Two Musicians Sing Into The Same Microphone And Lean In Very Close To Each Other… Like Omg Are

Aroace!

So Jaskier, completely shitfaced, is sitting somewhere on the dirty floor near a tavern in Oxenfurt, when he meets Vesemir for the first time.

He instantly recognizes the old witcher and loudly calls him over, something along the lines of "Hey! Hey you- you, wolf! Papa wolf! Yeah, come on, I need to have a word with you about your son. The- the stupid one-"

Vesemir is obviously not amused, but he comes over nonetheless because for some reason that drunk kid knows him.

Then, Jaskier proceeds to ramble on about Geralt and it gets very close to trash talk, but Vesemir keeps his cool and reads in between the lines. What he finds out is this: Geralt - who up to this point had been his favorite - had somehow managed to break this poor kid's heart, not once, not twice but "at least five times". Said kid had apparently "spent more than half of his life" following his son like a lost puppy. He mumbles something about elves and djinns and then tells this elaborate tale of a golden dragon. "And then he left me on a fucking mountain!" Vesemir for his part would have not believed any of this, if the name Yennefer hadn't fallen. Many of the unreasonable things Geralt does are related to Yennefer.

The old witcher then takes a closer look at the sod on the floor and oh yes, didn't Geralt say something about a bard?

Then suddenly the kid stops mid sentence as if remembering something important. He waves at one of the other young men and loudly asks "Oi Mikael, is there- is there class tomorrow!?" Vesemir doesn't show it but he's kind of shocked. The drunk kid is clearly a student at the Academy, way too young to be traveling with a witcher. What ln earth is Geralt thinking?!

When the other man, for some reason looking as shocked as Vesemir feels, answers the kid's question with "yes", the bardling seems to sober up by a lot. He staggers up, wishes Vesemir a good night and starts to stumble towards Oxenfurt Academy, quickly followed by the other student.

The last thing Vesemir hears before they walk out of side is how the student asks the bard "Does that mean we won't have to write that test tomorrow, professor?"

Professor. Vesemir needs a break.

I think we should write unnecessary sequels to public-domain classics.

I wanna read Dracula 2: Sherlock Holmes and the Curse of Dracula's Ghost. I wanna read Pride and Prejudice 2: Elizabeth Has a Gun.

i gotta be honest boobs are so cool

Okay, so I feel like there could be a situation where Percy’s mortal friends (come on, he has at least one or two) end up getting dragged into godly matters by mistake and so they learn Percy is a demigod. Naturally, this is very shocking for them. Well. One of them. The other is pretty chill about it.

At any rate, I'm just picturing them somehow on Olympus and then you get an interaction like:

Friend 1: wait so you're part GOD?!

Percy: uhhh, well-

Friend 2: that explains the weird cursing. Who says ‘Holy Hera’?

Friend 1: Like a GOD?

Percy: *awkward smile*

Friend 2: which god?

Friend 1: A GOD?! Is it a super powerful god?

Percy: oh. uh-

Friend 1: Well?!?!

Percy, looking at Poseidon but also trying to be humble af: um. He’s alright...

Poseidon:

Percy: I mean, he is- like, powerful. Obviously. Being a god and all.

Friend 2: is he more powerful than the average god?

Percy: ummmmm what even is the average god?

Friend 1: omg that makes him sound powerful. Are you a powerful god’s kid?

Percy: no! I mean- sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean that! I meant- he’s, like, uh- well. Okay. Look. He...he is a sea god. So. There's that.

Friend 1: HE IS THE SEA GOD?!?!

Percy: there are actually lots of sea gods!

Friend 2: but is he the one everyone talks about?

Percy: Triton from the little mermaid?

Friend 2: dude

Percy: I'm really trying here. Uh, a little help?

Poseidon: no

Percy:.....that’s fair.

Friend 2: just tell us if your dad is mega powerful

Percy: Fine. Yes. He is. Happy?

Friend 1: AH! Amazing! Are you powerful then?! Have you ever fought a god?

Percy: look, technically-

Friend 2: did you win?

Percy, looking at Ares: Stop. Asking. Questions.

Friend 1: omfg you kicked a god’s ass didn't you?? Who was it?

Percy: …..pls.

Annabeth: it was Ares

Friend 1:

Friend 2:

Friend 1: THE GOD OF WAR?!

I hate the way the Cullens treat Bella, but Edward and Alice are especially despicable. What makes their leaving despicable to me (other than Edward destroying Bella’s already-nonexistent self esteem) was that they knew she wouldn’t do well, and they knew Victoria was out there. Sure, Edward could track her, but without Alice checking, she could have found Bella easy! Say Bella grows a backbone; what does she say when they crawl back to Forks?

On Bella's lack of anger on the Cullen's return to Forks and why the Cullens had decent reason to leave. Remember, in their defense, they did not know how Edward would handle the goodbye or just how dependent Bella was on them (when from their perspective they barely know the girl).

But onto your question.

The Set Up

Bella attempts suicide, Jake saves her, and Charlie is coincidentally at his good friend Harry Clearwater's funeral. Now, Bella was at a low so low that she committed suicide, almost on impulse, in the hopes she could see Edward Cullen's face.

She's not over this guy.

Had she been, the cliff jumping likely would not have happened and as a result Alice would not show up in Forks and the Cullens would not return. Edward might return on his own later to stalk her from the shadows like a dark protector, but that's a different story.

My point being, for your ask to work out (where the Cullens return so Bella can lecture them), we pretty much have to be in this timeline where Bella gets Super Ultra Character Development in the course of a few hours.

Jake gives her the pep talk of a life and Bella decides to live. The Cullens are never coming back, they left her to be eaten by vampires, and all she can do now is move forward with her life and try to live.

Then she blinks and Carlisle Cullen's car is in her driveway. Funny, how the moment she decides she's over them they suddenly show up.

Alice Shows Up

Turns out, it's not Carlisle, it's Alice. Bella who now remembers how to feel anger isn't sure how she feels about this. On the one hand, she's glad to see Alice. On the other hand, Alice has been ghosting her for months and of all the Cullens had to see how Bella has been doing.

Alice explains that it's all Edward's fault. You see, Bella, Edward told Alice to do it. Bella's... not really impressed with that.

On the one hand she's not sure if she wants Alice to leave (because then it means she really won't see the Cullens ever again, and despite her new outlook on life it's one thing to think it when they're already gone and another to actually do it herself) but on the other hand she's... very upset.

Between Bella's cool demeanor and Jacob being in the room the meeting is very awkward and very frosty. Bella and Alice eventually just stare at one another.

Alice tries to bring up Jake is a werewolf. Bella knows.

They stop talking after that.

The house gets the phone call, Jacob tells Edward that Charlie's at the funeral, and Alice gets her vision of all hell breaking loose. Alice needs to call in a favor.

And here's where Bella has to make a choice.

Choice A: LET THEM BURN

Alice tells Bella that they have to go to Volterra where the kings of the vampires live, as Edward is going to ask for assisted suicide, and if Edward sees Bella is alive he'll stop.

Alice doesn't come right out and say this is a death sentence for Bella but she does admit it's... dangerous.

Bella sits there and she thinks hard.

In this timeline, she says no.

She's a little confused on why Edward's committing suicide over this, given that she's effectively dead to him anyway, but what did he expect to happen? Bella's mortal, she's being hunted by vampires, she did almost drown today.

This is his choice and his survival shouldn't be dependent on whether Bella lives or not.

Especially since, in the process of saving Edward, Bella will very likely be murdered herself.

And Bella's tired. She's really, really, really tired.

Alice begs, points out that they're talking about life or death, that no matter how upset Bella is, if she does this, then Edward Cullen will die. However upset she is, surely Edward who she once loved so much isn't worthy of death.

True, Bella says, but Bella wants to live. Can Alice guarantee that if she goes to Italy?

Alice can't.

Alice desperately tries to concoct a backup plan. To get a hold of Carlisle to get a hold of the Volturi but as she foresaw, it doesn't work out. Edward is murdered for breaking the law and Bella never sees Alice nor any of the Cullens ever again.

Choice B: Bella Still Goes to Italy

Bella may be conflicted but Edward isn't deserving of death, especially not when (in a very round about way) it's her fault as she jumped off the cliff.

Bella goes to Italy with Alice, telling herself this will be the last time she sees any of them (as she did in canon, actually, Bella was convinced they'd all leave the moment this was done with).

Well, canon shenanigans happen, with Bella slightly less dazed at seeing Edward's beautiful non-hallucination face again. Bella, on meeting Aro, begins to realize that... something not good is happening.

On returning home from Forks, Edward begs Bella to take him back. She stalls.

If she says no, he'll leave, she knows that much now. If he leaves the entire family leaves, they have no other reason to stay. If he leaves then the Volturi will come for her and she'll either be their minion forever or they'll murder her.

If it's up to Caius, it'll probably be murder.

Bella asks to see Carlisle. Edward is very... displeased with this, but acquiesces (realizing he's on thin ice).

Bella asks Carlisle point blank what's to become of her. Carlisle admits that she has to become a vampire or die. The Volturi know about her, the best they can stall is a few months at best, and if she doesn't turn it's very likely Edward himself, maybe Carlisle, and maybe the entire coven will be murdered with her.

This is the price Bella pays for Edward having told her.

She never had a choice, doesn't even have one now for all she wants one. She and the Cullens are stuck together, bound by destiny, whether they like it or not.

There's no vote, there's no need for one, Bella tells Carlisle to turn her after graduation. She'll join the Cullens.

However, she's not going to like it and she'll make sure no one else likes it either. She refuses to take Edward back (certainly refuses to marry him) and instead resigns herself to her last few months as human (while Edward desperately tries to win her back, "BELLLLLLAAAAAA!")

The despair of rejection, of knowing what Bella's now becoming, and knowing it's all his fault, may drive Edward to Full Edward Madness where he mercy kills her. He may reattempt to kill himself by having Jacob do the honors this time (whether Jacob agrees or not flip a coin to decide). He may try to lay siege to the Volturi in order to free his lady love from her doomed fate. (All while the Cullens and the wolves have to deal with Victoria, of course).

Regardless, by the end of this, the coven will still be at seven members, between Edward and Bella only one will stay in the long term.

Okay but modern AU where Jaskier greencard marries Geralt’s ex, Yennefer, who he kinda hates, because she’s in trouble and he can’t resist helping people and also plans to hold it over her (in a bantery kinda way) and thinks it’ll be funny to rub in Geralt’s face when he inevitably comes crawling back to Yennefer.

They pass the interview with almost zero prep because it turns out back when they were jealous rivals for Geralt’s attention they learned way too much about each other. Then they have (supposed) hate sex when they’re drunk because 1. why not? 2. they’re both curious and 3. they’re both still kinda pissed off at Geralt the booze make it seem like the perfect revenge. 

Jaskier finds inexpressible amounts of glee in referring to Yennefer as his “ball and chain” and “old lady” and other unflattering nicknames for a spouse, and Yennefer enjoys ruining his every attempt at getting laid by waiting for him to make a pass, then storming up and slapping him and bursting into tears about him “ruining their marriage” by betraying his loving wife.

Then they sleep together again because neither of them is getting laid and they’ll each begrudgingly admit the other is good in bed (Yennefer says it’s the only time his incessant strumming is enjoyable).

Then the next thing they know they’re horrified to discover they’ve been in a committed sexual relationship with all the appearance of a romantic relationship for several months. They haven’t had a genuine fight since… well, Jaskier can’t remember. And Yennefer’s been at nearly every gig he’s played since they got married, and he’s got into a routine of giving her a foot rub when she drops onto the sofa after work, and the love song he wrote about her that was intended to annoy her has started to sound distressingly genuine no matter what he does, and Yennefer was terribly rude to Valdo when they ran into him and may or may not have keyed his car, and really, they’re better at being married than either of their parents were. They’re pretty good at being married full stop to be honest, and that’s when they’re not even trying.

And okay, so maybe he kinda doesn’t hate her after all. Maybe.

Jason was tired

Tired of his own family treating him like an outsider

Of Bruce being more Batman than dad

Of feeling like he wasn’t enough

Tired of that case, the monument to his fucking death

Of being the “good soldier” that died, as if he was still dead

Tired of the nightmares

Of waking up screaming for a father that would never come

Of dying over

And over

And over again

But most of all,

He was tired of being really fucking angry all the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So he did what he should have done a long ass time ago and got out of the toxic environment he’d spent most of his life (and death) in.

He got himself legally resurrected

Found a great therapist

Got his GED

Made sure his criminal enterprise would be well looked after

Went to med school

Became a doctor

He finally started living his life, not the one Bruce wanted.

“Jason should have ducked”

Jason gave Bruce a gun to shoot him with.

Jason gave him three options but there are only two results. Either Joker dies and Jason is left alive or Joker lives and Jason is too dead to care. That’s not an accident you have to understand.

It’s the most miserable “win if I win, win if I lose” I’ve ever seen set up and it worked. The neck slice moment isn’t just written for shock value it’s a demonstration of the truth of Jason’s point. Sometimes refusing to choose one over the other is just a choice for the other.