You Might Think I'm Stupid And Dumb

I knew I loved you way more than a friend should

I knew I loved you and I would have stopped if I could.

I knew I loved you when my head went blank when you were too close

I knew I loved you when you hugged me and I thought my heart would explode.

I knew I loved you when I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I knew I loved you when I realized I wouldn't do things you disliked, I won't.

I knew i Ioved you when I answered your every text in seconds when it took you hours

I knew I loved you when to you I freely spoke about my scars.

I knew I loved you when I found myself getting lost staring at you from afar.

I knew I loved you months ago and I know I denied it too.

I know I love you

And I'm not sure what to do.

It's too hard for me to let go of you.

-scaredofmyvoice

Something happened today

Something that made me think.

We went to get food, my friends and I

We went to get food delighted and waiting to buy.

One step closer i get nervous,

Do i really have to eat?

Another step closer,

My heart starts pumping with quickened beats.

We get the food, my friends and I,

One big plate to share amongst us three.

They each grab a spoon and give one to me

They each have a bite and look at me,

Waiting to see if I liked the taste.

Was it always this scary to eat?

Was i always so afraid of their eyes on me?

No, thats not true.

But then whats wrong?

Why can't i eat even though it's what i want?

I stand there awkwardly trying to get a spoonfull

I stand there awkwardly hoping to run away if i could.

In the end I said I didn't want to eat and smiled

In the end , even though I didnt want to I lied.

I thought about it all the way home

And then i thought about it some more.

It makes me sad because I wanted to eat

It makes me mad because I held myself back.

I wanted to be like them when their eyes sparkled at the taste

I wanted to be like them when they ate each bite with no shame on their face.

Im always so ashamed to eat

Even though its a basic need

Im always so ashamed they'd see

And so i hide away behind smiles and a mumbled "Its okay I'm fine"

Something happened today,

Something that made me blink

At the absurdity of my own mind

For making me feel such shame

Over something so small,

Like having a bite.

-scaredofmyvoice

I usually wait till I have atleast a few poems written before I post but this has been on my mind for hours now and I just wanted to let it out.

It's been a rough day guys :<

All this pain is making it hard to breathe

All this pain is slowly killing me.

All this pain I wish that it would stop

All this pain that I know is really just love.

Love, with no place to go.

Love, that wants to scream no.

No I don't want you to leave.

No, infact, I just want you with me.

No I don't want the future to come

No because I know with me you'll be done.

It hurts.

It hurts so much

But if I can stay by your side,

My heart to bear the pain I'd train.

-scaredofmyvoice

She taught me how to read

She taught me how to write

She even taught me how to ride a bike.

She taught me how to sing, a boomerang to fling

Hell, she even taught me how to draw an eyeliner wing.

To skip, to hop, to cook, to clean

Everything she taught, she made sure was heard and seen.

She taught me many things for which I'm grateful for

She taught me many things but I wish she'd taught me more.

Like how to clear my head when my thoughts are too loud

Or how to push through a day when my limbs are too heavy.

How to move on when my life comes crashing down

How to stop wearing my loneliness like a crown.

I'll figure these out on my own

I'll learn how and these skills I'll hone

So all I ask you is for you to teach me one thing

Come back and teach me how to be okay

With you being gone.

Please give me a reason to stay.

-scaredofmyvoice

I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I filled it up with every bit of information I knew

As if my mind wasn't already full of you.

I filled it up because I didn't want to forget even a single piece of you.

The fact that you like the moon and that your favorite colour is blue .

The fact that you're scared of spiders and what wish you'd pray would come true.

The fact that when you're happy your eyes sparkle and your cheeks have a baby pink hue.

The fact that you love kids and are good with them too.

After these little facts about you,

I write about things I could give you to make you happy

I write about how I could learn to play your favorite song,

Even though I haven't touched a keyboard in years.

I write about how I could sew you a doll,

Even though I've never once sewed before

Its just that if I could put a smile on your face,

I'd do anything and everything I ever could.

-scaredofmyvoice

I want to write.

Untill my hand can move no more, I want to write.

My mind screams incoherent words and my fingers itch to pen them down

It didn't matter if they were worth a penny or a pound,

As long as I could put these feelings on paper.

But the words in my heart stay locked up

And the paper I long to fill stays untouched

Leaving me with just this one desperate wish

I want to write I want to write.

-scaredofmyvoice

I'm used to walking behind people,

When the sidewalk's too small for us all.

I'm used to walking behind people,

I now do it all the time without a single thought at all.

If I walk behind them, I won't loose sight of them

If I walk behind them, I wont be abandoned then.

Because all I have to do is keep up my pace

Because all I have to see are footprints to trace.

I feel awkward when I'm in front of them

I feel out of place when I walk side by side

I feel lonely when I hear conversations behind me

I feel nervous when either side I see their eyes on me, keen.

But if I'm behind, people don't usually mind.

This is why I don't know how to react

Now that she stops and pulls me to walk with her.

This is why I feel guilty and undeserving

When she gets behind me to walk,

When the sidewalk's a narrow slot.

That shouldn't be done by someone like you, i think

You should be in the front laughing and talking.

Tagging along, trying to piece together what the rest are saying at a distance,

That should be done by someone like me.

-scaredofmyvoice

Help me, I say

Help me Help me help me please

All as I'm holding on to the doorhandle,

No chance for anybody to see me, to hear me

No chance to see the pain I'm in.

Help me someone help me please

I don't know what is wrong, I scream

I'm loosing my mind and I'm so scared

I'm trying so hard why can't you see?

Help me help me help me please

But maybe it is me who draws the line

Maybe it is me who holds the door closed

I scream for help but also refuse to get close

I put my best face out for the world to see

No one can know, no one should notice.

Why I do this I don't know

Maybe I'm scared of being known.

-scaredofmyvoice

People buzz around me memorizing words on paper.

People stress around me telling me they'll check on me later

Because what could possibly be more important than studying for your finals

Surely it's more important, even if you think you're going to fall off the deep end.

They cast glances my way when they see me not studying

They throws words that say, "Hey you'll regret it by morning."

How do I tell them I couldn't care less

When I don't know if I'll be there by then because my mind's a mess.

What's a little losing your mind when in a few hours you've got a statistics test!

-scaredofmyvoice

I need you to understand this, she says.

I need you to understand that I can't keep repeating myself.

One day I'll snap.

That day might never come

But I still need you to understand this, she says.

I hated myself a little more than before

I didn't even know that was possible.

"You've gone and done it now, you idiot"

"You asked for too much again", the voice in my head mocks.

I'm scared you'll leave me like everyone else.

I'm scared you'll see me the way I see myself.

I need you to understand that this fear has me in a chokehold.

I need you to understand that it's not easy letting go.

So I'm sorry if I apologize one too many times.

I'm sorry if I don't see my own worth.

I'm sorry I don't believe I'm a worthy existence .

I've been told so by too many people I held dear,

That these words in my mind have been forever seared.

-scaredofmyvoice