I Am Sorry But I Am Not Going To Make It Instead, I Will Float In The Sea Of Unconsciousness And Slowly

Allow yourself  to heal Your life is not dedicated to  suffering and pain You are allowed  to feel delighted You are allowed to love to be loved to be loved by yourself

Falling in love is its own kind of violence

old cigarettes and bitter black coffee a taste of discontent on the tip of my tongue closing my eyes to enter a storm of endless thoughts, a dusty brain sometimes my body feels too heavy to carry so I lay down and just stay in a strangers bed for as long as I can get away with it old sheets and red-stained walls a strangers bed became my home

You are so terrifying and beautiful to love I am so afraid and yet so full of lust Let me call your name every second of the day until it will become a second part of me

And you are still

the only person

who can keep me together

when I am about to fall apart.

another night has taken my heart, ripped it out of my hollow chest, to feed it to the moon and her shining children stars

this easy I've lost my heart, as easy as I did with you. oh baby I've been bagging you to forget our unspoken words. silence hurts differently and I know mine burns the worst

I have become a monster, rough claws, a hateful voice, green eyes, red lips, cold bones. are you ready to fight my demon? because oh baby, I have already lost the war

I want to let go of a couple of things like of the idea of being anything of meeting the expectations I expect others to have Yet all I reached is the nothingness I called the vision of perfection and couldn't hold onto anyway  

We think to much

and forget to love instead

A dream which took me back to  you

Last night I’ve dreamed about you. 

I’ve dreamed about us

About the past, the fight, and the short but yet so beautiful periods of peace.

I’ve dreamed about you and your beautiful laugh and your even prettier smile.

I’ve dreamed and I fell back in love, in love with us and the past. 

I’ve felt relieved to have you back. To have the past back, like nothing ever happened. Like this is just as and how we use to be.

We didn’t share a world together, we created a universe. Both of us used to live on our own planet, but there was no space between our worlds. Not a tiny bit. 

But who of us knew how fatal it would be when two worlds who were ment to be together, would separate for a moment?  Who of us knew, that a moment could mend eternity? Who of us knew that there is a universe, where our worlds would be miles away from each other? Who of us knew how broken our worlds were? Who of us knew that our universe was about to fall apart? 

And than 

I woke up. 

Alone in my bed.

Shivering from the cold you left behind.

Searching you desperately in my bed. 

Where are you? 

Why aren’t you here?

What happened?

Was this really just a dream?

There is too much space without you.

Too much.

I can’t

breath 

But still

You are gone.

Because it was me who left.

Because there was nowhere to stay.

Because we couldn’t fix our worlds once again.

Maybe it was me who left.

But it was you who didn’t said a word.

Not even goodbye.

I don’t want to be your    drunk text romance. I don’t want to hear your    confession of love at 1 a.m    when you are drunk   and lost in your feelings of    loneliness and desperation. I don’t want to be loved   the way you love me    whenever you feel like it. I don’t want to be loved because   you want to love someone    and I am the only one around. I want to be loved    because you love me   not because you think you do.