I Hate That Im Relapsing. I Wont Tell Anyone, Not Even My Girlfriend. I Hate That I Fought So Hard To

i hate that im relapsing. i wont tell anyone, not even my girlfriend. i hate that i fought so hard to defeat this disorder before, gaining 30 pounds in less than a year, all to go right back to my destructive habits. but i cant stop. i cant fit in my clothes, im taking up more space, and i wish i liked myself enough now to stay like this. but i hate myself.

i dont see ugly in anyone unless i know theyre a bad person. maybe i think im a bad person. i do, sometimes. i wish i wasnt so angry and temperamental. i wish i didnt struggle to do everyday things. i wish i was BETTER.

i guess i thought gaining weight would help but apparently that wasnt it. and now im beating myself up all over again. now i feel like ive gone too far, and now im in too deep.

i wish i was stronger…