Some Rando: "What's Your Deadname?"

Why am I the funniest at the buttfuck of dawn??

He is wearing the 'ok bitch call batman I'll have sex with him' tee because the entirety of batman inc. keeps doubting his abilities and threatening to call batman

Bat and Super dynamics are interesting and all but Bat and Wonder dynamics are fucking hilarious cause from what I've gathered, when you strip them to their bare essentials you've got;

Diana: You could just kill them and stop them from hurting those you love.

Bruce: I get the urge sometimes, but my moral code-

Diana, understands why he has the code but that doesn't mean she agrees with it: Pussy.

--

Donna: aim for the head!

Dick, knowing full well it'll kill the guy but his faith in Donna overrides his logic: okay!

Dick, after killing him: oh my God :( why did you tell me to do that :( he's dead now :(

Donna: it's okay. He was a horrible guy.

Dick: oh okay. I believe you.

--

Artemis: we're killing them.

Jason: I'm so in love with you that it like physically hurts sometimes.

--

Cassie: we should just kill these fucking people

Tim: hell yeah let's do it

Cassie: not gonna question it?

Tim: why would I?

--

I'm sure there's a case about morality and dynamics to be made here but this is just so funny to me

A babysitter's guide to the bats: by Jason Todd

If, for any reason, I am not in Gotham, here's what you will need to know to keep the local bat population from killing themselves off.

Tim has to be fed and watered daily.

Do not leave Cass alone for more than 36 hours, you might find half the world's governments systematically dispatched if you do.

Damian needs to be hugged at least once every two days. He will not ask for these hugs, but Robin starts getting real close to murder if he doesn't get affection, and a murdery Robin is something Bruce and Tim cannot deal with right now.

Bruce can hypothetically take care of himself, but won't unless it's easy. Make sure the cave is stocked up on energy bars and protein shakes. He likes dark chocolate best.

Do not let Dick forget to sleep. He gets acrobat-y when tired, and if he breaks one more chandelier Alfred might actually quit.

Cass forgets to eat real food sometimes. She can no longer survive off tree bark, but will try anyway. Leave some blackberries outside her room or on the bench below the maple tree in the back and she will eat those instead.

Make sure Steph spends time with Alfred. They both get lonely without their bi-weekly tea and gossip hour.

DO NOT LET DUKE RUN MISSIONS. HE FORGETS THAT THE REST OF THE TEAM IS MORTAL.

Keep an eye on Babs, she has the means to dismantle every intelligence agency in the U.S. and is very close to finding a motive.

Sometimes Bruce and Tim forget that they run a company. Make sure they read their emails every once in a while, the board is ruthless and can smell weakness.

Tim is allergic to walnuts. He doesn't remember this. There is an EpiPen in the hall closet.

The no-metas-in-Gotham rule does not extend to Diana Prince. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You couldn't actually get rid of her if you tried. There is no Wonder Woman contingency plan. Don't look for it.

Titus has to be fed while Damian is at school.

Always make sure Red Robin has his third backup rebreather. He's recently decided he has a death wish.

Batcow is NOT allowed in the manor. If Damian tries to convince you she is, he is lying.

Selina will try to kidnap Damian or Tim. Let her, unless it's both at the same time.

If something smells like smoke, do not investigate on your own.

Do not let Duke drag you into a parkour contest. You will lose your dignity and maybe a finger.

If Tim falls asleep anywhere but the couch or his bed, wake him. We're trying to train his subconscious into taking care of him.

Bruce needs two hours of sunlight a day. The easiest way to trick him into it is getting Tim to play catch with him. It triggers his dad instincts.

Never agree to play hide and seek with Cass. You will never find her.

If Steph come to collect Damian for "an ice cream date," she knows something you don't. Her big sister intuition is flawless. Send him with a couple hundred in cash and a can of mace.

The rest of the family:

Steph | Tim | Babs | Cass | Bruce | Duke | Dick | Damian

I bought this last night. This is a total game changer. Internet fame, here I come.

Who is gonna tell him?

DC Social Media Part 3

Captain Cold Explains The Flashes

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Bonus, Barry has some thoughts:

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Roadtripppp!

Soap, squished in the back seat: And why exactly does Gaz get to sit in the front again, Cap'n? Price, driving: Because he's my favourite. Also I don't trust Ghost being near the wheel. Ghost, grumbling looking out the window: Whatever, asshole. Gaz, smug in the front seat: It's true though, ever since Las Almas- Ghost: I get it, I get it, you don't have to remind me. Rudy, smushed between Soap and Ghost: Why am I here again? Soap: I needed a cuddle buddy, obviously? Ghost isn't a cuddling type, are you Ghost? Ghost: Nope. Rudy, sobbing: I want to go home. Alex, in the trunk: Can we pull over I REALLY need to piss. Farah, strapped to the roof outside peering through a window: Oh YOU want to pull over??!? Alejandro in Gaz's footwell like a literal dog: I feel so uncomfortable right now. Laswell, on the phone already at the destination, laughing: Should've just taken a plane, lady and gents. Should've just taken a fucking plane.

modern au: every gang party is pure anarchy, but the aftermath is so much worse.

-javiers asleep…in the bathtub…with water in it…completely clothed.

-someone played sia and now karens in the hospital with two broken legs and a fractured arm because she wanted to “swing from the chandelieeeeer”. had it not been for charles, she wouldve been left there.

-johns all over tiktok and instagram reels for his…”pole dancing”. he made bank though.

-micah chugged a redbull monster protein powder mix and is already out of the house.

-jack is asleep under bills coat on a sofa somewhere.

-bill is surrounded by beer cans in a corner. hes just exhausted from the effort of throwing mr pearson out of the window.

-lenny is wrapped up in an irish flag in the garden, covered in vomit, bloodshot eyes and snoring like hell. the phrase “no balls” has earned him several cuts and bruises, 9 million likes on tiktok, and a deep sense of shame and embarrassment waiting to attack him as soon as hes sober.

-tilly made it back to bed, thanks to mary-beth.

-abigail and molly are both knocked out in dutch’s bed after jumping susan then hiding there.

-reverend brought the real fun (iykyk)

-strauss hjacked the dj booth and played some bangers. it didnt matter the lyrics were in german, everyone still went crazy.

-uncle slept through the entire thing.

-sean is on the floor of mary-beth’s room violently breathing through his mouth as he sleeps because his nose is so stuffed. why? he snorted ‘something’ and then snorted davey’s ashes (lennys fault). he also fell down the stairs, mixed an insane amount of alcohols together, started to flirt with inanimate objects after loosing track of lenny, vomited on everyone and everything, graffitied up the ra on the walls and on trelawny. awful idea considering trelawny owns the hideout.

-dutch and hosea? currently on their way back to their state after arthur got himself arrested 16 hours away.(how arthur. how.)

Jason's reaction to coming back from the dead after dying around 2015 and coming back in 2019 or even 2020 (Tim is about 20 and Jason is about 3 years older so Jason was born in 2000)

Jason: So what did I miss when I was... you know...

Damian: Unalive?

Jason: Come again?

Damian: We can't say the d-word anymore.

Jason: Okay... what else happened between 2016 and now?

Damian: David Bowie, Brexit vote, Pokémon, phones explode.

Barbara: Women marching, global warming, Russian hacking probe.

Harper: Venezuela, Stormy Daniels, Thanos dusting, Meghan Markle.

Duke: Hong Kong protests, Miles Morales, black hole photo.

Jason: Wait slow down—

Cullen: Parasite, quarantine, murder hornets, Cas and Dean.

Tim: Bitcoin, war in Ukraine, riot at the Capitol.

Cass: Algorithms, HRT, England lost their old queen.

Dick: Barbenheimer, free Palestine—hold on Jason, that’s not all!

Jason: *cocking his gun and leaving*

Everyone:

Steph: We didn’t start the fire.