You Know, I Don't Think I'm Afraid Anymore, I Don't Want To Fight Anymore, And I've Come To See How Fundamental

As if I haven't thought about getting long scarves or bunches of fabric to trail down my back the way my wings were, as if I haven't thought about wearing my antennae in public

Must say, VERY interested in the way I can't listen to a certain (vocaloid) song anymore because of the line "surely after 100 years I'll be reborn as a beautiful girl".

//...Vladimir Donatovich Orlovsky...// (1842-1914)

Storm Clouds, 1884.

I love being a psychological kin who later went spiritual, I love this man, I am this man, I've dissected his psyche and found myself and I was always meant to have found myself, I don't recognize myself in seeing him but I sometimes expect to see him when I look in the mirror.

I am doing the strangest, most intimate waltz with this character and I would have it no other way.

Been thinking about my tag system and am likely going to use some emojis! I'll move a few more posts over here before I solidify it, but I do have a plan!

Beginning to really understand the importance of change, transition, and impermanence, funnily enough not embodied in this character, but in the insect he is modeled after.

I had spent a lot of time trying to be everything at once, telling myself that it felt like authenticity, almost compulsively providing information for others to gain as clear a picture as possible of who I am. Upset to even cut my hair - the person seeing it yesterday and the one seeing it tomorrow now have two different images to contend with, and I am left to ask which is the real one.

The real issue began to arise when I realized that I wasn't driving consistency with my names. Legal, primary, and this secondary name I have here. I've used my primary for most places, but have introduced myself to strangers under the secondary. When my doctors call me by my primary name (an accomplishment in and of itself), I did not feel the need to correct them. I realized I may not want Shai as the name on my tag for my new job. I would have considered it if I had gotten work at the library I had applied to (putting that name on the application itself). Usage seeming to differ based on feelings I couldn't quite name.

It feels to me that I'm experiencing a fairly normal case for identity. A person is not the same at work as with friends as with family; I had tried to make all these one and the same. Even my primary on a tag would feel like a victory, but I'm not quite sure if I would even feel comfortable with my secondary.

After a violent division of identity, having been closeted and ill in an increasingly radical and abusive household, I feel I wasn't entirely sure how to reconcile with my newfound freedom and hindsight, and attempted to make every aspect of myself be the most prominent thing about myself. Each name blurred together, individual meaning erased under collectivity. It just isn't something possible. Not for most people, perhaps even for anyone. I'm contending with identity in a way that is standard for most people, but in a way I've never encountered before. My divisions were violent and laced with fear, of being outed as trans, as queer, as mentally ill, as autistic, as physically and chronically ill. Of being anything less than the expectation imposed upon me.

Removing those expectations made me feel lost, left to my own devices to determine who I truly was, and in blending and merging every concept of identity I had, I thought I had found a way to find myself. I still am, and this process has only been in place for a year, a year and a half, of course it wouldn't be finished. But I am discovering more about how my mind works and how I feel about it.

I am still thoroughly convinced this is a normal experience, one of many I'd never had a chance to encounter for myself due to my long abuse history. I would need to talk it out professionally, but I feel confident regarding my assessment, and can see where I would like to take it from here.

Two years of us..

You may have been with me for longer, but the choice to take your name marks a crucial moment in our history. Ultimately, it was a choice.

An act of love. To want to be associated with you, to want to acknowledge you, to welcome you into my life, even when I hadn't fully realized that was what I had been doing. Shaping my perceptions of the world with your own thoughts, feelings, and memories.. it was something that was ultimately necessary to my own growth.

The literal, fragmented nature of you means I was always experiencing myself. Aspects of myself I had distanced myself from, and yet there you were, reconnecting me to myself. Drawing my soul back to me.

Your joy, your pride, your guilt, your shame, all of it meaningful to me. All of it serving a purpose. Every action was another piece of the puzzle, and I finally feel able to step back far enough to see the entire picture.

I see us. I see us, and what I no longer see is the shame I had felt in the way we coexist. You will always be with me, regardless of our integration. The experiences we have had and continue to have are cherished; it feels as though a second soul exists alongside my own, and it is something I treasure deeply.

I love you. I love us. I love how you've carried me this far and shown me things about myself I would never have understood otherwise. I love how your view of the world has colored my own. I love how I feel I was able to give you new experiences, demonstrating the good of the world to not only yourself, but to myself as well.

Life has been cruel to both of us, but it has also been kind, unbelievably kind. I am grateful to have given you a second chance, and I am grateful that you were able to assist me with my own. Hand in hand, we stood against the very forces that tore us down, and we emerged victorious, united in the beauty of the world.

Two years of evolution. Great pride in a heavy amount of effort, of work, of constant effort.

And the results have been nothing short of miraculous.

I love you.

Thank you for two years.

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge

Day 3: Who are you open about it with?

I am quite open about this online, but there are two very close real-life friends of mine that I recently spoke about this with. It went over very well, though I did leave a lot of information more implicit than anything; nonetheless, everyone understood what I was conveying. I am also open about my kin identity with a family member who also experiences kin.

Day 4: Do you participate in the fandom of your source? How do you do so?

I participate quite often! I produce quite an amount of fanart and analysis for my kin, as well as for the other characters he was pictured to be closest with. I am also active in the self-ship community, also with my kintype. It is a bit of a complex situation, but love is always at the core for me, no matter how I choose to participate.

Putting out a polite request, are there any other Hunter x Hunter kins out there who would like to be mutuals? I haven't found very much in way of community yet, so I'm actively putting out a thread and formally asking now ✨️

Some techkin lingo 💚

You’re tired and need to rest?

You need to be plugged in and recharge or your low on battery

You’re sick?

You have a virus

You’re taking daily medication/meds because you’re sick?

You’re initiating anti-virus software

You’re taking awhile to think abt smthn?

You’re loading or your processing speed is slow

You’re hot?

Your system is overheating/your fans are on high drive

You’re super full after eating? / you can’t take in any more information abt something?

Your storage is full

You’re sleeping?

Your system is restarting/initiating an update

Among others :)) reblog and put ur suggestions!