It's Been A Bit Since I've Last Spoken Here, And I Have A Lot Of Things I Want To Say.

It's been a bit since I've last spoken here, and I have a lot of things I want to say.

After some very careful consideration, I think I can safely say that my feelings regarding kinning were actually the manifestation of myself coping with a dissociative condition I otherwise didn't know how to describe. This was the closest approximation I could come up with that made sense to me, and as time went on and I was afforded more chances to look at my feelings and perceptions, I do know for certain that there is something dissociative happening to me. Nothing as far as osdd I would say, but definitely along that vein.

I carry him with me. When I'm upset, I hold his grief, and when I'm overjoyed, I hold his caution. Every new situation has a protective measure put over it in the form of a dissociative fit. However, as I've mentioned previously, I don't interpret any of this in a negative light. It simply is what it is, and it is something that developed to help me cope. Of course I was afraid in the beginning - I didn't know what I was dealing with or what triggered my episodes, so I very naturally began to feel afraid when I could feel myself begin to drift. As time has gone on, I have made peace with this aspect of myself and wish to work with it.

This experience has been and continues to be deeply important to me, and I feel that part of my interpretation of it is almost spiritual in a sense. I grasped a lot of my identity through him, saw a lot of my trauma and myself in him and he continues to serve as a lens I occasionally interact with the world through. I have chosen to use his name alongside my own, feeling a sense of recognition and actual, genuine joy upon hearing it. Only a small handful of people know I use this name, and smaller few still know about my dissociation. While the psychological pieces don't necessarily have to come to light, I would like to be afforded the chance to be seen in the world as I am.

I am planning to tell two friends of mine about my name. I trust one of them to take it well, but I fear a bit of reaction from the other. She has a concept of "cringe" and has implied to me a few times prior that my behavior felt embarrassing in a secondhand way. The behaviors in question were either deeply ingrained, as from how I grew up, or entirely innate, as with my neurodivergence. I fear another layer being added to this, especially since we live together, but I don't want myself to be ruled over by my fear of perception. I want to be able to live authentically and for myself, regardless of what may be perceived of me. I already exist as someone who is queer, traumatized, disabled; some of my actions are already perceived differently because of these immutable factors. I don't want to feel afraid anymore. I am preparing for potential questions or pokes, but think I truly may not have much to fear.

My name is Shai, and I don't want to be afraid to say it.