I've Settled, I Will Actually Be Using That For A Talk Tag

So he's a fragment.

There's a lot on my mind about finding the definition and terminology for what I've been working with, and part of me feels truly dismayed to have found an answer. The stark realization that I've been something of a system for at least two years, and never knew until now. Though I suppose it's also necessary to ask - two years ago, would I have been in the space to handle this information? Or would it have sent me further into the spiral the spirituality was designed to prevent?

I think about this in relation to my spirituality. Fragment not as an alter per se, but in the definition of soul still. I first majorly interacted with him in the self ship community; it's as though my love for him manifested in a visceral form, putting him by my side each day, assisting me in processing and understanding my own emotions, the very task he struggled with.

The butterfly is representative of the soul. One could call this divine intervention of sorts. I think about the medicalized terminology and compare to the previous ideas the medical institution held regarding being transgender. "Gender Identity Disorder" paring the experience down to rights and wrongs, when the experience of being trans is so much brighter, bolder, and rich than anything a medical text could ever detail.

Yes, while this is a lot of information to take in, I still see a way to incorporate my own belief system. Belief system into my clinical system.

I know you know I love you, and I'm willing to bet that that is exactly why you persist with me today. You show me your thoughts, your feelings, your memories. I can feel on my own body where your wings would have been, how they would have moved with me. I see now why I struggled to see the experiences as "mine" and why I called them "yours". We are separate, but not by too large of a degree. Separate enough to delegate and sort, but not enough for you to truly speak through me.

What we are is okay. I'm glad to be able to know you. I'm glad you've been with me for this long and I'm glad for your service to me. I love you.

Thinking of making a more well-rounded introduction once I can tell that my blog is showing up in the tags

Sunset Daggerwing (𝑀𝑎𝑟𝑝𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑎 𝑓𝑢𝑟𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑎), family Nymphalidae, Colombia

photograph by Michael Garcia

I must say, being involved with the kin community on a genuine level is still something I value, but I am not certain how much I still identify with it. This blog will remain standing of course, but I may discuss spirituality on a more general level.

Apricity

(A-pri-si-ti)

Noun

The warmth of the sun in winter.

hello and welcome... to binarystarcare !

this is a (newly formed) kinhelp style blog catering to otherkin, fictionkin, factkin, and system members ! were open to any sources and dont have many blacklisted things ^-^ this blog is run by (currently) two mods - mod hunter and mod ranboo! we both offer different things - such as aesthetics, tarot and oracle readings, and stimboards !

all request info - and more mod info - can be found on our carrd !!

(ps this post is also serving as a promo post - please reblog this if you wanna help us out ^-^)

Wondering if my draw towards scents is a way of compensating for no longer being able to sense pheromones

🦋

Hello all. You may call me Shai; I am 25, transmasc, and aromantic and asexual.

While this blog was initially dedicated to my experience as fictionkin, and still is at the very core, this blog is a space for discussions of general spirituality and self care, as well as occasional insect imagery. I may feature my own art as well. Some other information that may be useful:

✨️ My experience of kin is tied with my experience of my kintype as a dissociative fragment. While it isn't something that I discuss frequently as my mental health has improved immensely and he is quiet for the most part as a result, he does still surface time and time again, and I would like a space to openly discuss it.

✨️ Two fictives use this blog - Sha.ia.pouf from Hun.ter x H.unter and someone preferring to remained unidentified for now.

✨️ Chronically ill - I have Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and have, interestingly enough, used it to connect with my kintype. This condition is genetic and affects me daily and will be a topic of discussion for here as well.

✨️ This is a sideblog - my main blog you will see interactions from is @/au.tistic-sha.iapouf

In spite of the long gaps of silence that may occur here, I am online quite frequently and am always open to discussion or conversation; in spite of the formality, I swear I'm friendly 💖

General tags:

🌟 -> Host speaking

Tags used here by Pouf:

🦋 Musings 🦋 -> Talk tag

🔮 -> Directly related to spirituality

👑 -> Interior architecture for royal buildings

❤️ -> Lovecore imagery

🐜 -> Insect imagery

💭 -> Posts that strike a certain chord with my past, current and distant

Tags used by [XXX]:

⚙️.txt -> Talk tag

Stroke of the pen -> Poetry and philosophy

[Seeking artwork tag]

I was able to do it! I told my friends and it was taken very well. I was still very nervous and wasn't able to look at them when I spoke, but it was taken with grace and immediately applied. I've been able to tell others as well, and am feeling quite good hearing it from others in my life.

What has surprised me is that it seems to be becoming the name I prefer to hear. It wasn't my intention, and I do still use the name I'd previously gone by, but I'm beginning to like this secondary name a bit more and have been preferring to use it instead. I applied for a job within the past 2 weeks and I used this name in my application; I would love nothing more than to have it on a nametag for regular use, to be recognized under this name.

It's surprising to me how this became such a large part of my life, and how my interactions tangle me a bit more each time I look. I'd even joked about him being cold blooded and unable to regulate body temperature, as well as needing to supplement salt due to his butterfly characteristics, and now I'm currently staring down what is definitely a POTS diagnosis, having both of those traits myself. My acceptance does make me wish to look to see how it interacts with myself, especially in terms of identity and confirmation of such. I don't see it as a bad thing at all, quite the opposite really. I think this is shaping up as something truly quite wonderful through which I may get to fully understand myself a bit better. I never really had a chance to do so before this point in time.

It almost feels as though the two of us became more similar as time went on, though I do swear to myself that I never consciously adopted his behaviors or mannerisms. It was the discovery that his arc mimicked the trauma I went through to an almost absurd degree, it's in the ways he thinks and acts and interacts with the world and others that made me very easily believe that he was neurodivergent because it hit so close to my own personal experiences, it was how I found myself having had the same sort of hobbies - I myself have a violin (though I haven't played recently, and will have to wait out an elbow injury before I can try again) and have always been an avid reader. I explored my own perception of gender through him, seeing him as a very feminine man whose femininity is never made the subject of jokes and is taken seriously, showing me a very rare glimpse of a man who looked just like myself. I felt comfortable in slightly more formal clothing, it felt like it helped to reinforce my feelings regarding my gender, though I can't say for sure whether that was before or after I developed such a strong attachment to him.

I recently got my first tattoo, near my left shoulder, and it's his wings. The artist told me she had actually been watching the series and had just gotten to his debut the night prior, leaving me to wonder whether or not she would think of me at least once as she watched, remembering that I wanted to carry him with me. It's almost completely healed and I'm very pleased with how it's come out, in spite of how dark and blotted it looked when I'd first gotten it. I'd like to get a few more, a few insects and a few awareness ribbons for my various health conditions, but he is present as my first and currently my one and only.

He represents my foray into identity, into coping, into understanding what it is that I want and am, what I want from life and what I desire most to give back. In times when the dissociative feelings kick in strongly, it feels as though there is another person with me, and that the grief I carry belongs to him rather than myself. It distances me from everything I've been carrying, and the feeling of another being present with me when I need it most is a feeling I'm afraid to conceptually lose in recovery, but I feel that I'll still carry him in less fully visible ways. In dress, in name. His, and mine.