Wondering If My Draw Towards Scents Is A Way Of Compensating For No Longer Being Able To Sense Pheromones

Today, May 27th, marks a very big personal event for me, one that triggered a lot of awakening as far as kin is concerned, so I thought that it would be in the spirit to draw a few tarot cards in honor. They're meant to be read clockwise, with the four points representing my past (life), my rebirth and awakening, my current present, and my future. I also always draw a final card under the question of "is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

What I've interpreted here is:

My past - Reversed Ace of Swords. Loss, powerlessness, failure. I wouldn't deny it, there was absolutely a struggle to do what felt right and an immediate fall flat. Failure indeed.

My Rebirth - Reversed Seven of Cups. Grounded, realistic, achievable dreams. Passing over the threshold from idealistic to realistic, no longer able to sustain in fantasy but needing to give myself something attainable; a much more grounded attitude in this life.

My Present - Reversed Page of Swords. Lack of vigilance, sluggishness. A lack of alertness because I don't need it anymore, no longer forced to sustain myself on pure adrenaline, as in both in the distant past and in my current lived past as well; calming down in a sense.

My Future - Reversed Three of Wands. Weakness, lack of knowledge. I believe this is referring to my immediate future - I am moving out of a household with a roommate who I greatly struggle to communicate with due to a variety of factors that make them unreceptive to communication; I haven't encountered a situation where I'm free to walk away, nor have I thought through how I will formally tell them, so this draw feels appropriate for such a new situation.

Extra - The Empress. Action, progress, attainment. Though I struggle now, the struggle will be found to be worth my time; my efforts shall not be wasted.

The stars are calling.

I want to answer, but I don't remember how.

I don't know if I ever knew.

Far out of my reach;

I am permanently grounded.

I can do nothing but watch.

They're reflected in my eyes,

In my tears,

An answer locked away.

My options are almost equally as funny - either a fictive in an incredibly indistinct system, or a psychological and spiritual kin in a harmonized setting.

Either way, I am here and he is here, and that doesn't seem as though it will change any time soon.

Was thinking a bit on main this morning about how my kin identity can be used as a litmus test regarding whether or not I feel like someone can fully respect me.

On a surface level, it's almost silly, oh it's this guy? The butterfly that cried glitter and screamed all the time, who was awful and mean and nasty towards the end? Well, yes. That is indeed the surface level of this, I saw everything he did that make people cringe, and yet there was still that element of resonance. Once I feel like the more jokey part of this is accepted, that's when I feel I can pull the curtains back and begin to show some of the psychological horror that underlies this.

To show what I've discussed in therapy, to talk about how a large theme of my connection is the idea of servitude and how I was forced into that position for my family, how I wasn't able to form an identity outside of this predetermined role and how I was to perform it to the best of my ability, and how any deviation was punished, to the point where I held these standards to myself and would pull myself apart when I couldn't meet them. To show how deep this truly runs carries a certain type of despair, not necessarily for myself, but to really show someone else what this means to me and how it is such a vital part of myself.

It's for sure a certain type of intimacy, it puts me in a vulnerable position on every front; on the surface I could be made fun of, in which case I laugh along and maybe even retract a statement or two, and on a deeper level it blows my trauma wide open and exposes a lot of the most damaging things I experienced. It's an odd place to be, but I'm not upset by it. People who are aware of it don't necessarily bring it up unless I talk about it, which in and of itself is a rare occasion. That stands in comparison with actually seeing myself be called Shai, something which only one person has done, and it has delighted me to no end.

I feel that the odder aspects of myself need to be things that will be met with respect. As someone who grew up trans, queer, and neurodivergent, I've been seeking that kind of respect for quite some time. When it does come, it's almost always from those who share a trait with me. I enjoy the bonding, and of course enjoy the respect, but I just wish it was something more easily seen; to just grant someone in the margins respect and decency.

Userbox that says "this user is an insect"

If I can collect the imagery, I think I may make my own moodboards..

@classicaldreams

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Forming a relationship with myself, through someone else

Greetings. It has been quite some time since I've documented my experiences, and I believe a full explanation of sorts may be in order, mostly for myself as, had I seen others doing the same, I may have been able to cope much sooner.

What I had taken for an experience with fictionkin was the product of myself lacking the words to describe how I had felt, and found terms cleanly matching them in this community. However, I have come to terms with having a much different experience, which is that of having an (albeit quite fragmented) alter. What I had taken for a past life was essentially a separate entity expressing himself alongside me, and it is a matter I wish to be open about, for my own sake.

I have documented much of my journey here, and feel fit to continue doing so, with new knowledge regarding how I move through the world.

@classicaldreams

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