Yes, The Hilarious Karmic Backlash Of Forcing A Non-human Misanthrope To Live As A Human, With Every
Yes, the hilarious karmic backlash of forcing a non-human misanthrope to live as a human, with every trait that could fit into humanity being carried along with him. The pain running down the length of my back where my wings had been, the hypermobility with joints that break far more easily, cold blue blood translating to dysautonomia, and for it to be so isolating. Something of a fitting punishment, I suppose.
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I was able to do it! I told my friends and it was taken very well. I was still very nervous and wasn't able to look at them when I spoke, but it was taken with grace and immediately applied. I've been able to tell others as well, and am feeling quite good hearing it from others in my life.
What has surprised me is that it seems to be becoming the name I prefer to hear. It wasn't my intention, and I do still use the name I'd previously gone by, but I'm beginning to like this secondary name a bit more and have been preferring to use it instead. I applied for a job within the past 2 weeks and I used this name in my application; I would love nothing more than to have it on a nametag for regular use, to be recognized under this name.
It's surprising to me how this became such a large part of my life, and how my interactions tangle me a bit more each time I look. I'd even joked about him being cold blooded and unable to regulate body temperature, as well as needing to supplement salt due to his butterfly characteristics, and now I'm currently staring down what is definitely a POTS diagnosis, having both of those traits myself. My acceptance does make me wish to look to see how it interacts with myself, especially in terms of identity and confirmation of such. I don't see it as a bad thing at all, quite the opposite really. I think this is shaping up as something truly quite wonderful through which I may get to fully understand myself a bit better. I never really had a chance to do so before this point in time.
It almost feels as though the two of us became more similar as time went on, though I do swear to myself that I never consciously adopted his behaviors or mannerisms. It was the discovery that his arc mimicked the trauma I went through to an almost absurd degree, it's in the ways he thinks and acts and interacts with the world and others that made me very easily believe that he was neurodivergent because it hit so close to my own personal experiences, it was how I found myself having had the same sort of hobbies - I myself have a violin (though I haven't played recently, and will have to wait out an elbow injury before I can try again) and have always been an avid reader. I explored my own perception of gender through him, seeing him as a very feminine man whose femininity is never made the subject of jokes and is taken seriously, showing me a very rare glimpse of a man who looked just like myself. I felt comfortable in slightly more formal clothing, it felt like it helped to reinforce my feelings regarding my gender, though I can't say for sure whether that was before or after I developed such a strong attachment to him.
I recently got my first tattoo, near my left shoulder, and it's his wings. The artist told me she had actually been watching the series and had just gotten to his debut the night prior, leaving me to wonder whether or not she would think of me at least once as she watched, remembering that I wanted to carry him with me. It's almost completely healed and I'm very pleased with how it's come out, in spite of how dark and blotted it looked when I'd first gotten it. I'd like to get a few more, a few insects and a few awareness ribbons for my various health conditions, but he is present as my first and currently my one and only.
He represents my foray into identity, into coping, into understanding what it is that I want and am, what I want from life and what I desire most to give back. In times when the dissociative feelings kick in strongly, it feels as though there is another person with me, and that the grief I carry belongs to him rather than myself. It distances me from everything I've been carrying, and the feeling of another being present with me when I need it most is a feeling I'm afraid to conceptually lose in recovery, but I feel that I'll still carry him in less fully visible ways. In dress, in name. His, and mine.
Are we legitimately getting. machine dysphoria
I've registered for othercon; actually genuinely excited to see what the community is like, given how little interaction I've had with it thus far 💖
The nature of this blog means that it would be a fantastic place for me to catalogue my reading; it's also making me face the unfortunate reality of seeing that I don't seem to be reading very much this year..
Warm like a breeze on a summer evening.
Warm like a weighted blanket.
Warm like freshly baked bread.
Warm like the winter sun.
Warm like a new candle.
Warm like a hand-knit sweater.
Warm like a cup of tea.
Warm like a gift given.
Warm like a hello.
Warm like a home cooked meal.
Warm like a letter.
Warm like laughter.
Warm like a well-read book.
Warm like a favorite song.
Warm like a hug.
Warm like a home.
And you say you're cold-blooded?
Since I've used this blog to talk about a lot of mental health aspects, heavily regarding my sense of self and identity, I'm thinking of talking about other aspects of my recovery and health here as well. Talking about the body the self must inhabit, a body which has long been afflicted with pain that is being resolved.
I self-tested for POTS, and with a 63 bpm difference, I more than qualify; I still would like to see it formally charted by a physician however, not just for the purposes of insurance, but for the personal validation of confirming suspicions held over a number of years. I am currently being investigated for Ehler-Danlos Syndrome, of which I appear to meet roughly 90% of the criteria for. I have been recommended a clinic to speak with, but I currently cannot afford the sessions; I will likely be diagnosed with either Hypermobile EDS, or Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder, which will also allow a lot of pieces to come together for me. Once I receive a diagnosis from the clinic, I will return to my primary care physician to seek a diagnosis for my digestive issues. My therapist (who had initially mentioned EDS and POTS to me, before my PC also strongly suggested them) brought up the idea of gastroparesis, something which I feel inclined to lean towards once I spent a day consuming nothing but liquid and, for the first time in a while, had no stomach issues. Receiving a diagnosis from this clinic will help pave the way for me to be examined for other conditions that tend to be comorbid.
I do have an appointment for two EMG tests next month, regarding the way my limbs tend to go numb, as well as a spinal MRI I have yet to schedule.
It feels overwhelming to be told that my conditions will likely be something I will carry with my for the rest of my life, but having answers is already giving me some solace. Being close to answers, at any rate.
Hey! I saw you reblogged my post and was simply intrigued. Basically I'm on a mission to represent the non-human/alterhuman/otherkin/and so many others/ communities properly and holy shit seeing someone actually say they could relate to something I posted that they hadn't seen talked about WAS SUCH A BIG DEAL FOR ME! that's my only goal with this damn blog! (Sorry I'm functioning on caffeine right now) anyways, I'd love to hear anything else you think needs to be talked about more in our communities that isn't represented enough or is represented wrongly
Hello! I'm glad my resonance meant so much to you; I haven't seen anyone else convey the in-between space that I so often find myself in. It makes me wonder if the fictionkin label is the correct one for me as I haven't seen anyone else in the community discuss this feeling. As in my tags, instead of feeling one or the other, one soul in multiple lifetimes, I feel as though I have two souls in one body, my own and that of my kintype. It was more delineated in the beginning, but the shifts became harder to tease apart and now feel completely harmonious.
I suppose as far as representation is concerned, I believe you mention on your blog that you've heard that there isn't much discussion in way of psychological kin? I joined this community under that label because it helped me to make sense of my dissociative episodes in a way that felt grounded and comforting, later adopting the spiritual beliefs held by the otherkin community. I know this isn't a one size fits all experience, but seeing so many align while my own feels like an odd one out makes me wonder. It also makes me want to discuss my own experiences more, essentially as a way of reaching out to those who may feel similarly.
Seeing people discuss their experiences as fictionkin feels like an experience I am adjacent to; others discussing memories and especially reminiscing over friendships or relationships while I simply never felt that way, very interesting considering the powerful relationships my kintype has (had?). I wouldn't go as far as to say it feels isolating, but it feels almost as though my labeling of my experiences is incorrect due to the minutiae being so different from what appears to be the standard.
Of course, I only began to formally identify with this community maybe roughly a year or so ago, first jokingly but later realizing how genuine this truly is for me.
All in all, to answer the question, I suppose I would like to see more discussion of psychological kin, and, on a more difficult to pin down thought, I would love to see more discussion around unconventional experiences in the kin community. I know I feel something and I know it feels right to be where I am, but I can't quite nail down why it seems to be so different from those I see. I still miss a lot of the vocabulary as I haven't been around quite long enough, but the thoughts and questions linger.
Thank you for coming to me and saying hello and inquiring! I'm always glad to discuss experiences and I'm even more happy to see when those discussions are truly meaningful ✨️
La Sainte-Chapelle in Paris, France - 2010
