Needing To Do A Deeper Dive Into My Mental State, He Briefly Said Hello On Sunday, While I Was Driving,
Needing to do a deeper dive into my mental state, he briefly said hello on Sunday, while I was driving, at that. I'm exhausted and the dreams are creeping back in, something is triggering something in me and I haven't been able to find what it is yet, though I have a few hunches.
I need to sit down, light a candle or my tea lights, and think. To think and ask, to tease apart what it is that he's trying to tell me.
Overworked? A non-zero chance. 6 days on my schedule but not exceeding 40 hours; still, the constant workplace presence is a drag and keeps me from my hobbies. Housing concerns? The idea of a new place to live with other queer people has been raised to me, it could concern my finances if I were to move, and that's always been a concern as well for me. Finances always concern me, having grown up with so little and the current inflation crisis, not wanting a single penny to be wasted or out of place. I am certainly seeing some improvement, but the question of my ultimate financial goal always lingers over me.
Hobby engagement could also be a factor. I'd attempted an art challenge, day by day, and fell off when I no longer had the time or energy for even smaller sketches. I am attending a large con next month and have only barely started my second outfit, still not even having bought the con tickets. Maybe the goals feel too large? Too nebulous?
I have been invited to a potluck to speak with a myrmecologist, a dream scenario for me and a potential foot in the door to the career I've wanted to pursue. I feel too exhausted to want to go, even though I know I'll enjoy the conversations and I know that entomologist was excited to know I would be meeting him.
I feel drained, so consistently drained, the rapidly setting sun and accrual of unused ideas taking their toll over me. I am hoping to take some strain off of myself after this week, resuming a normal work schedule, mapping out more of the outfit, keeping a clean living space, small indulgences and typical careful planning.
A few off days doesn't undermine my progress, and an off week doesn't undermine it either. This feels, no, is, symptomatic of something larger, and I will work to find out where it stems from to give myself some peace.
More Posts from Introspective-in-somnia and Others
Quite interesting really, to see the same themes from roughly eight years ago resurfacing once again, though with a much different emotional flavor to it.
I am slightly behind on the 30 days posts; the ones I have missed will be interspersed with the current days'
Was thinking a bit on main this morning about how my kin identity can be used as a litmus test regarding whether or not I feel like someone can fully respect me.
On a surface level, it's almost silly, oh it's this guy? The butterfly that cried glitter and screamed all the time, who was awful and mean and nasty towards the end? Well, yes. That is indeed the surface level of this, I saw everything he did that make people cringe, and yet there was still that element of resonance. Once I feel like the more jokey part of this is accepted, that's when I feel I can pull the curtains back and begin to show some of the psychological horror that underlies this.
To show what I've discussed in therapy, to talk about how a large theme of my connection is the idea of servitude and how I was forced into that position for my family, how I wasn't able to form an identity outside of this predetermined role and how I was to perform it to the best of my ability, and how any deviation was punished, to the point where I held these standards to myself and would pull myself apart when I couldn't meet them. To show how deep this truly runs carries a certain type of despair, not necessarily for myself, but to really show someone else what this means to me and how it is such a vital part of myself.
It's for sure a certain type of intimacy, it puts me in a vulnerable position on every front; on the surface I could be made fun of, in which case I laugh along and maybe even retract a statement or two, and on a deeper level it blows my trauma wide open and exposes a lot of the most damaging things I experienced. It's an odd place to be, but I'm not upset by it. People who are aware of it don't necessarily bring it up unless I talk about it, which in and of itself is a rare occasion. That stands in comparison with actually seeing myself be called Shai, something which only one person has done, and it has delighted me to no end.
I feel that the odder aspects of myself need to be things that will be met with respect. As someone who grew up trans, queer, and neurodivergent, I've been seeking that kind of respect for quite some time. When it does come, it's almost always from those who share a trait with me. I enjoy the bonding, and of course enjoy the respect, but I just wish it was something more easily seen; to just grant someone in the margins respect and decency.
self care and masculine + androgynous accessories for shaiapouf from hunter x hunter, preference for blues and purples for @bandage-hearted-butterfly
it is, understandably, difficult to find blue stuff that isnt ocean scented and purple stuff that isnt lavender scented. which is difficult when i dont want to overload a board with just one scent. i had better luck finding things that were a blend of different scents instead of *pure* lavender
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"You're everything! You're rose petals and vanilla and soft candles and clouds! What a joy to know you! To have been afforded a chance to know you and to have taken it! To indulge and be indulged! How joyous indeed!"
I have so many images of architecture and interior design saved to put here....
Alright so I've given it some thought, and so far:
🦋 Musings 🦋-> talk tag
❤️ -> lovecore/heart imagery, as well as posts that express a certain love drunkness; roses and other pink things
👑 -> architecture for the most part, though there might be a few posts that put me into a certain mindset; I can't totally describe it but it's very clear if you look
Been thinking about my tag system and am likely going to use some emojis! I'll move a few more posts over here before I solidify it, but I do have a plan!
Livre de la Vigne nostre Seigneur; France, 15th century; Bodleian Library, MS. Douce 134, f. 49v
