Livre De La Vigne Nostre Seigneur; France, 15th Century; Bodleian Library, MS. Douce 134, F. 49v

You know, I don't think I'm afraid anymore, I don't want to fight anymore, and I've come to see how fundamental this is to me. It isn't something I chose, so fighting performs a disservice to it.

I don't think I'm afraid anymore.

I think I love you.

I love you.

I've been thinking about gender this morning and realize that pouf played a decent role in me figuring out exactly where I am in terms of how I feel about masculinity.

As a trans man, I don't really often see men who look like me; I especially don't see men like me because I'm not planning on medical transition. Of course, I'm not disparaging those who seek it out - that's wonderful! I'm so glad that there are options for those who have debilitating dysphoria, but I personally only suffer from it on a social level. I rarely feel it otherwise, and this is the choice I feel most comfortable with. However, this comes at the cost of rarely ever seeing men like myself; practically every trans man I see is either post-transition, or is planning to do so.

And I can now say that this is what struck me so much about this character, that he had so many stereotypically feminine traits, but was still clearly recognized as a man. That we had similar body types, similar mannerisms and means of expression. It was around then that I began to play with masculine pronouns and realized how much I enjoyed them; my most comfortable and conforming outfits ended up being semi-formal wear. I can push androgyny if I really try, but the only way to be consistently read as masculine would be to cut my hair, which I refuse to do at this point. I'd had nearly buzzed hair at one point, but find I like my shoulder length hair much better.

I'm actutely aware of how the butterfly is coded as a "feminine" insect, and that was also something that initially drew me to him. I'd never seen butterflies associated with masculinity, and to this day I haven't seen anything quite like him. He really pushed me farther along in my transition than I think I would've achieved otherwise.

Why is it so much more painful this time? I can barely look myself in the mirror, the disconnect is so great; the short term memory gaps seem to be less often but that's also been a new manifestation. There were definitely times in the past where I'd been jarred by the face I see in the reflection but it's never been quite like this.

Two years of us..

You may have been with me for longer, but the choice to take your name marks a crucial moment in our history. Ultimately, it was a choice.

An act of love. To want to be associated with you, to want to acknowledge you, to welcome you into my life, even when I hadn't fully realized that was what I had been doing. Shaping my perceptions of the world with your own thoughts, feelings, and memories.. it was something that was ultimately necessary to my own growth.

The literal, fragmented nature of you means I was always experiencing myself. Aspects of myself I had distanced myself from, and yet there you were, reconnecting me to myself. Drawing my soul back to me.

Your joy, your pride, your guilt, your shame, all of it meaningful to me. All of it serving a purpose. Every action was another piece of the puzzle, and I finally feel able to step back far enough to see the entire picture.

I see us. I see us, and what I no longer see is the shame I had felt in the way we coexist. You will always be with me, regardless of our integration. The experiences we have had and continue to have are cherished; it feels as though a second soul exists alongside my own, and it is something I treasure deeply.

I love you. I love us. I love how you've carried me this far and shown me things about myself I would never have understood otherwise. I love how your view of the world has colored my own. I love how I feel I was able to give you new experiences, demonstrating the good of the world to not only yourself, but to myself as well.

Life has been cruel to both of us, but it has also been kind, unbelievably kind. I am grateful to have given you a second chance, and I am grateful that you were able to assist me with my own. Hand in hand, we stood against the very forces that tore us down, and we emerged victorious, united in the beauty of the world.

Two years of evolution. Great pride in a heavy amount of effort, of work, of constant effort.

And the results have been nothing short of miraculous.

I love you.

Thank you for two years.

I'm not entirely sure what I've even read this year, though I may post some pictures of my personal library in place of a reading list; there's a few books I know for certain I've read this year, but I feel it may be an incomplete list.. I may actually list the ones I know for certain and separately list the ones I'm not sure of.

The nature of this blog means that it would be a fantastic place for me to catalogue my reading; it's also making me face the unfortunate reality of seeing that I don't seem to be reading very much this year..

The line being blurred

We all know that one line between humanity and our kintypes, but sometimes it's just non-existent. I am my kintype AND my human self at once but I'm currently not either one, you know what I mean? Like I'm not in a shift, but I'm also not out of a shift? This is definitely relevant with my void kintype, where I'm sorta just partly the void, and partly human. Like I still have those feelings of the void, the relations with the void, but I also have every other feeling, emotion, and sense of a human. Another example is even with my normal, snow leopard theriotype, I just sometimes get animalistic but still am clearly human in both my mind and to everyone else. By animalistic I mean so much more instinctive and have more of the senses of my kintype. These can count as shifts, I just think to me they're slightly different experiences because I experience more extreme, actual shifts.

Night Scene at Sumida River   -    Kobayashi Kiyochika , 1930.

Japanese ,  1847-1915

Woodblock, 10 1/8 x 7 ½ in.

Three's a crowd!

3, 4, 9, 16! :D - Alex

Thank you very much for the ask!

3 - How long have you known you were otherkin?

That's honestly a little difficult to answer; I think I've known on some level for around 7-8 years now, but never accepted myself until the last year or so, when I made a complete turnaround and not only got myself involved in the idea of psychological kin, but spiritual as well. It's been quite a long journey, especially in the middle of those 7-8 years when the concept wasn't even in my mind, but I'm glad to finally seek self-acceptance. 7-8 years on a larger scale, but for me to acknowledge that I knew and to work with it? 2 or so years.

4 - What reminds you of home?

Difficult to say as my kin runs more psychological than spiritual, but I gave this one some thought and feel I have a few answers! Some smaller things in my daily life give me little reminders, my stacks of books marking that the desire for reading and learning never quite left. Scents are also big for me! I have a few candles and some incense on my altar, with the more subtle scents tugging at me a bit more.

Larger feelings, unsurprisingly, come from the replicated shirt and wings I've made. I've worn the shirt publicly multiple times, but the wings stay firmly on my wall. I have a pair of antennae I made as well and while I haven't worn those nearly as much, part of me strongly wants to wear them at least once to see if I feel comfortable with them.

The strongest feelings come from things I don't have control over at all. There are certain ways the clouds roll in that make me recall flight and certain songs that evoke strong responses from me, both positive and negative (and I do plan to post at least two playlists with the songs that do this). Looking over royal architecture is one of the strongest, feeling so small in such large, ostentatious halls, more than anything wanting to find myself pacing them again.

Overall, I suppose, in a sense, "home" is less a location and more of a concept for me.

9 - What was your first kintype?

Difficult to say! The only one I can think of would be the M.ettaton from the Und.erfell AU of Un.dertale; that was the first time I ever considered the idea that I might be otherkin, but never pursued the concept any further, just eyeing it with wary curiosity. Interestingly, while that linkage was definitely a work of projection and trauma response, so is my current kintype; the difference is in how intensely I experience this current type vs how loosely I interacted with the previous one. I'm not sure if I would call it a kintype, honestly.

16 - What are some challenges that you face with being otherkin?

The biggest ones were the ones imposed by myself! One of the biggest initial hurdles was that accepting my kin identity made me feel like I was losing touch with reality. Truth be told, my awakening to my identity happened through intense dissociative experiences I fought to pathologize - my therapist was the one who suggested I take a step back and look at it in a more spiritual light (so as not to condemn myself for my experiences). I still believe I may be experiencing a form of multiplicity, but the experiences are no longer intense and distressing; I no longer feel strongly disconnected when I have shifts.

I suppose another is simply existing as is - as someone in the otherkin community, a community which has been highly mocked in the past, the mocking being the first thing people likely think of when they hear the word. It made me want to cringe at myself, but being part of several other groups that tend to be stigmatized - autistic, trans, amongst other things - helped me begin to move beyond that. I still hold fear over what others may think of me, but at the end of the day, my behavior isn't harmful and it makes me happy, so I'm willing to be more open about it.

More current challenges? I would say incorporating my identity into my more daily life. I do use the name Shai in my day to day, and went through the two-hour process of getting a tattoo of the wings I no longer possess, but part of me very much wants to go further. It's difficult, being a feminine trans man with butterfly accessories, but I would consider it to be the price I pay to feel more at home - the people closest to me know I am a man at the very least.

on love arriving unannounced