Three's A Crowd!

Honestly, it's been such a joy to see him having come back; I love him, and he loves me. I'm believing he was responsive to my stress and came back specifically to tell me that (we're) better than this, that (we) deserve more than this. He's egging me on in making actual choices that feel extreme to me but are probably average or on par with how other people would respond. He's angry and rightfully so! He's pushing me to act, to not acknowledge the situation and choose to do nothing.

Seeing him again feels like seeing an old friend again, and part of me really hopes to keep him, even knowing that when life begins to smooth out again, he'll probably go back into dormancy. Truthfully, I thought we'd integrated until he came rushing out of the depths of my psyche again. It was surprising, but I'm not upset. I'm so much more comfortable with him being around and helping me along. It really all does feel like a massive act of love.

Being able to give him more leeway because I'm not afraid anymore means I'm getting to see some of his quirks come through, we made tea and are leaning more towards having some kind of drink for breakfast as opposed to solid food. It's only been a few days since he's returned, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm looking forward to seeing what else we'll do before he inevitably gets quieter before vanishing entirely for however long again.

My options are almost equally as funny - either a fictive in an incredibly indistinct system, or a psychological and spiritual kin in a harmonized setting.

Either way, I am here and he is here, and that doesn't seem as though it will change any time soon.

It's been a bit since I've last spoken here, and I have a lot of things I want to say.

After some very careful consideration, I think I can safely say that my feelings regarding kinning were actually the manifestation of myself coping with a dissociative condition I otherwise didn't know how to describe. This was the closest approximation I could come up with that made sense to me, and as time went on and I was afforded more chances to look at my feelings and perceptions, I do know for certain that there is something dissociative happening to me. Nothing as far as osdd I would say, but definitely along that vein.

I carry him with me. When I'm upset, I hold his grief, and when I'm overjoyed, I hold his caution. Every new situation has a protective measure put over it in the form of a dissociative fit. However, as I've mentioned previously, I don't interpret any of this in a negative light. It simply is what it is, and it is something that developed to help me cope. Of course I was afraid in the beginning - I didn't know what I was dealing with or what triggered my episodes, so I very naturally began to feel afraid when I could feel myself begin to drift. As time has gone on, I have made peace with this aspect of myself and wish to work with it.

This experience has been and continues to be deeply important to me, and I feel that part of my interpretation of it is almost spiritual in a sense. I grasped a lot of my identity through him, saw a lot of my trauma and myself in him and he continues to serve as a lens I occasionally interact with the world through. I have chosen to use his name alongside my own, feeling a sense of recognition and actual, genuine joy upon hearing it. Only a small handful of people know I use this name, and smaller few still know about my dissociation. While the psychological pieces don't necessarily have to come to light, I would like to be afforded the chance to be seen in the world as I am.

I am planning to tell two friends of mine about my name. I trust one of them to take it well, but I fear a bit of reaction from the other. She has a concept of "cringe" and has implied to me a few times prior that my behavior felt embarrassing in a secondhand way. The behaviors in question were either deeply ingrained, as from how I grew up, or entirely innate, as with my neurodivergence. I fear another layer being added to this, especially since we live together, but I don't want myself to be ruled over by my fear of perception. I want to be able to live authentically and for myself, regardless of what may be perceived of me. I already exist as someone who is queer, traumatized, disabled; some of my actions are already perceived differently because of these immutable factors. I don't want to feel afraid anymore. I am preparing for potential questions or pokes, but think I truly may not have much to fear.

My name is Shai, and I don't want to be afraid to say it.

Playlist Challenge!

I see a lot of “kin playlists” on the “fluffy” side of otherkin tumblr, so I decided to put more thought into a “playlist challenge”! I find it hard to believe that a stranger can “assign” someone a playlist for their personal canon, so why not do it yourself instead?

This is, of course, geared towards fictionkin. However, copinglinkers and otherhearted can also participate!

Despite the tag “ask meme”, this is meant to be one playlist, not a bunch of asks asdfghjk. Though it can be done that way!!

1. A song that personally reminds you of your kintype in general/just has their “vibes”.

2. A song that thematically reflects your kintype in some way.

3. A song that reminds you of a happy or fond memory.

4. A song that brings forth a more negative memory.

5. A song that reflects a significant event in their life, bad or good.

6. A song that tends to put you in a mental or phantom shift.

7. A song that you associate with an important figure in your kintype’s life.

8. A song representing your kintype in an archetypal manner. Down to their base personality.

9. A song that reminds you of your kintype’s past.

10. If there are any, a song canonically related to your kintype, either in the source’s official soundtrack (if there is one) or just a song that the canon source’s creator associates them with.

11. A song that is commonly associated with them that, while not your personal choice, you can still enjoy.

12. A song that reminds you of your current life, is in stark contrast to your kintype, or can easily snap you out of a shift. Perfect end to a kintype playlist.

Yes, the hilarious karmic backlash of forcing a non-human misanthrope to live as a human, with every trait that could fit into humanity being carried along with him. The pain running down the length of my back where my wings had been, the hypermobility with joints that break far more easily, cold blue blood translating to dysautonomia, and for it to be so isolating. Something of a fitting punishment, I suppose.

Hilariously, every time I do something that makes me question my kin (would he really like or do xyz?), the very act of questioning or loosely policing myself is exactly what he would have done

La Sainte-Chapelle in Paris, France - 2010

MARTIN GASPARYAN - İstanbul

self care and masculine + androgynous accessories for shaiapouf from hunter x hunter, preference for blues and purples for @bandage-hearted-butterfly

it is, understandably, difficult to find blue stuff that isnt ocean scented and purple stuff that isnt lavender scented. which is difficult when i dont want to overload a board with just one scent. i had better luck finding things that were a blend of different scents instead of *pure* lavender

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Saw a call for fictives... who are also bodily minors.. will I ever see myself represented in these calls..