MARTIN GASPARYAN - İstanbul

Was thinking a bit on main this morning about how my kin identity can be used as a litmus test regarding whether or not I feel like someone can fully respect me.

On a surface level, it's almost silly, oh it's this guy? The butterfly that cried glitter and screamed all the time, who was awful and mean and nasty towards the end? Well, yes. That is indeed the surface level of this, I saw everything he did that make people cringe, and yet there was still that element of resonance. Once I feel like the more jokey part of this is accepted, that's when I feel I can pull the curtains back and begin to show some of the psychological horror that underlies this.

To show what I've discussed in therapy, to talk about how a large theme of my connection is the idea of servitude and how I was forced into that position for my family, how I wasn't able to form an identity outside of this predetermined role and how I was to perform it to the best of my ability, and how any deviation was punished, to the point where I held these standards to myself and would pull myself apart when I couldn't meet them. To show how deep this truly runs carries a certain type of despair, not necessarily for myself, but to really show someone else what this means to me and how it is such a vital part of myself.

It's for sure a certain type of intimacy, it puts me in a vulnerable position on every front; on the surface I could be made fun of, in which case I laugh along and maybe even retract a statement or two, and on a deeper level it blows my trauma wide open and exposes a lot of the most damaging things I experienced. It's an odd place to be, but I'm not upset by it. People who are aware of it don't necessarily bring it up unless I talk about it, which in and of itself is a rare occasion. That stands in comparison with actually seeing myself be called Shai, something which only one person has done, and it has delighted me to no end.

I feel that the odder aspects of myself need to be things that will be met with respect. As someone who grew up trans, queer, and neurodivergent, I've been seeking that kind of respect for quite some time. When it does come, it's almost always from those who share a trait with me. I enjoy the bonding, and of course enjoy the respect, but I just wish it was something more easily seen; to just grant someone in the margins respect and decency.

I missed him.

I crossed paths with a fe.itan! The internet is truly a magical place

Livre de la Vigne nostre Seigneur; France, 15th century; Bodleian Library, MS. Douce 134, f. 49v

Putting out a polite request, are there any other Hunter x Hunter kins out there who would like to be mutuals? I haven't found very much in way of community yet, so I'm actively putting out a thread and formally asking now ✨️

Château de Versailles

Versailles, France, 27 VIII 2023

Zamarada Geometer Moth (Zamarada sp.), family Geometridae, Bukit Lawang, North Sumatra, Indonesia

photograph by Nicky Bay

Another Interview (Fictionkin)

Finally posting for the first time in a while :p anyways! I got to do an interview (again, seriously love doing these) this ones with @bandage-hearted-butterfly and it's about them having two spirits and their experiences. I did get permission to simplify some answers and did check with them before I posted them, thanks!

First question: How do you know that you have two spirits, or what makes you feel like you have two spirits? Along with that, did they ever have a conflict, or one would be much more prominent and vice versa for periods of time?

-Felt possessed, as if they were experiencing life through someone else's views, thoughts and feelings -Felt as if an entirely different person was present within them -Felt as if they needed to do everything they could to control it and stop it before talking about it in therapy -Looked into it and learned the character was connected to them, and they'd always felt that -As time went on there wasn't as much conflict, and they started accepting it more -In the beginning he felt unpredictable and didn't know what to do -Felt most during stress, as in his own commentary

Second question: I saw that your identity is a character and I saw you started identifying with them due to trauma. How did it eventually become spirtual to you, if you know that is?

-Started looking at it through a spirtual aspect through therapy

Third question: If you have this feeling of two spirits, do you get shifts as your kintype? Or is it just with you constantly? (I think if I remember correctly, almost like a contherian and/or suntherian)

-When they first started feeling this character they did experience very strong shifts of sorts but now they almost co-exist

Fourth question: Other than a way of processing trauma and grief, why did you start identifying as your kintype (as in do you similar experiences, feelings, anything along those lines?)

-Started as a trauma response, later on learned more about the character and did learn they had much in common from mental and physical illnesses to some certain hobbies and traits

Do people still make and post kin playlists, is that still something people do

Wondering if my draw towards scents is a way of compensating for no longer being able to sense pheromones