Hilariously, Every Time I Do Something That Makes Me Question My Kin (would He Really Like Or Do Xyz?),

Little peek at my altar ✨️

Coming home and metaphorically taking off the little hat they make me wear to reveal my antennae, pulling off the shirt I have covering my wings, existing in my own space as what I truly am

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge

Day 10: Link to/tag your favorite fictionkin Tumblr.

Aside from my own? Unfortunately, I don't have one. I'm fairly new to the community on an overall level and haven't found many others.

Day 11: Have you ever met other fictionkin? In real life or online?

I have spoken well with at least one other person who openly experiences kin the way I do, but haven't had more interaction than that. I would love to meet someone who is fictionkin in real life, just to have that bonding moment.

I have, however, seen a few other blogs made by those who also kin this character. None appear to be active, and I'm not sure if I could even find them again at this rate, but I do strongly recall them for the impact they left on me. I was at least a little embarrassed by who I'd found myself feeling drawn towards, and seeing others interacting with that same draw made me feel at least a bit more at ease.

I would love to be able to meet more.

Today, May 27th, marks a very big personal event for me, one that triggered a lot of awakening as far as kin is concerned, so I thought that it would be in the spirit to draw a few tarot cards in honor. They're meant to be read clockwise, with the four points representing my past (life), my rebirth and awakening, my current present, and my future. I also always draw a final card under the question of "is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

What I've interpreted here is:

My past - Reversed Ace of Swords. Loss, powerlessness, failure. I wouldn't deny it, there was absolutely a struggle to do what felt right and an immediate fall flat. Failure indeed.

My Rebirth - Reversed Seven of Cups. Grounded, realistic, achievable dreams. Passing over the threshold from idealistic to realistic, no longer able to sustain in fantasy but needing to give myself something attainable; a much more grounded attitude in this life.

My Present - Reversed Page of Swords. Lack of vigilance, sluggishness. A lack of alertness because I don't need it anymore, no longer forced to sustain myself on pure adrenaline, as in both in the distant past and in my current lived past as well; calming down in a sense.

My Future - Reversed Three of Wands. Weakness, lack of knowledge. I believe this is referring to my immediate future - I am moving out of a household with a roommate who I greatly struggle to communicate with due to a variety of factors that make them unreceptive to communication; I haven't encountered a situation where I'm free to walk away, nor have I thought through how I will formally tell them, so this draw feels appropriate for such a new situation.

Extra - The Empress. Action, progress, attainment. Though I struggle now, the struggle will be found to be worth my time; my efforts shall not be wasted.

I suppose it's not wholly correct to say that I've only been doing this for around a year; I've definitely experience kinning before, with a specific event around five or six years ago sticking out in my memory, I just didn't know the words or anything beyond what jokes I'd seen people make. Of course, I was too afraid of how I'd be perceived if I identified with it, so I'd kept it silent. This time, I'd like to change that.

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge

Day 3: Who are you open about it with?

I am quite open about this online, but there are two very close real-life friends of mine that I recently spoke about this with. It went over very well, though I did leave a lot of information more implicit than anything; nonetheless, everyone understood what I was conveying. I am also open about my kin identity with a family member who also experiences kin.

Day 4: Do you participate in the fandom of your source? How do you do so?

I participate quite often! I produce quite an amount of fanart and analysis for my kin, as well as for the other characters he was pictured to be closest with. I am also active in the self-ship community, also with my kintype. It is a bit of a complex situation, but love is always at the core for me, no matter how I choose to participate.

I was able to do it! I told my friends and it was taken very well. I was still very nervous and wasn't able to look at them when I spoke, but it was taken with grace and immediately applied. I've been able to tell others as well, and am feeling quite good hearing it from others in my life.

What has surprised me is that it seems to be becoming the name I prefer to hear. It wasn't my intention, and I do still use the name I'd previously gone by, but I'm beginning to like this secondary name a bit more and have been preferring to use it instead. I applied for a job within the past 2 weeks and I used this name in my application; I would love nothing more than to have it on a nametag for regular use, to be recognized under this name.

It's surprising to me how this became such a large part of my life, and how my interactions tangle me a bit more each time I look. I'd even joked about him being cold blooded and unable to regulate body temperature, as well as needing to supplement salt due to his butterfly characteristics, and now I'm currently staring down what is definitely a POTS diagnosis, having both of those traits myself. My acceptance does make me wish to look to see how it interacts with myself, especially in terms of identity and confirmation of such. I don't see it as a bad thing at all, quite the opposite really. I think this is shaping up as something truly quite wonderful through which I may get to fully understand myself a bit better. I never really had a chance to do so before this point in time.

It almost feels as though the two of us became more similar as time went on, though I do swear to myself that I never consciously adopted his behaviors or mannerisms. It was the discovery that his arc mimicked the trauma I went through to an almost absurd degree, it's in the ways he thinks and acts and interacts with the world and others that made me very easily believe that he was neurodivergent because it hit so close to my own personal experiences, it was how I found myself having had the same sort of hobbies - I myself have a violin (though I haven't played recently, and will have to wait out an elbow injury before I can try again) and have always been an avid reader. I explored my own perception of gender through him, seeing him as a very feminine man whose femininity is never made the subject of jokes and is taken seriously, showing me a very rare glimpse of a man who looked just like myself. I felt comfortable in slightly more formal clothing, it felt like it helped to reinforce my feelings regarding my gender, though I can't say for sure whether that was before or after I developed such a strong attachment to him.

I recently got my first tattoo, near my left shoulder, and it's his wings. The artist told me she had actually been watching the series and had just gotten to his debut the night prior, leaving me to wonder whether or not she would think of me at least once as she watched, remembering that I wanted to carry him with me. It's almost completely healed and I'm very pleased with how it's come out, in spite of how dark and blotted it looked when I'd first gotten it. I'd like to get a few more, a few insects and a few awareness ribbons for my various health conditions, but he is present as my first and currently my one and only.

He represents my foray into identity, into coping, into understanding what it is that I want and am, what I want from life and what I desire most to give back. In times when the dissociative feelings kick in strongly, it feels as though there is another person with me, and that the grief I carry belongs to him rather than myself. It distances me from everything I've been carrying, and the feeling of another being present with me when I need it most is a feeling I'm afraid to conceptually lose in recovery, but I feel that I'll still carry him in less fully visible ways. In dress, in name. His, and mine.

If I can collect the imagery, I think I may make my own moodboards..