Can We Please Make Things Slightly Easier For Pouf, He Is About To Flay Himself Alive
Can we please make things slightly easier for Pouf, he is about to flay himself alive
More Posts from Introspective-in-somnia and Others
I missed him.
Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of me publicly using the name Shai for myself and I'm already beginning to feel emotional about it..
Othercon 2023 Schedule
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I was able to do it! I told my friends and it was taken very well. I was still very nervous and wasn't able to look at them when I spoke, but it was taken with grace and immediately applied. I've been able to tell others as well, and am feeling quite good hearing it from others in my life.
What has surprised me is that it seems to be becoming the name I prefer to hear. It wasn't my intention, and I do still use the name I'd previously gone by, but I'm beginning to like this secondary name a bit more and have been preferring to use it instead. I applied for a job within the past 2 weeks and I used this name in my application; I would love nothing more than to have it on a nametag for regular use, to be recognized under this name.
It's surprising to me how this became such a large part of my life, and how my interactions tangle me a bit more each time I look. I'd even joked about him being cold blooded and unable to regulate body temperature, as well as needing to supplement salt due to his butterfly characteristics, and now I'm currently staring down what is definitely a POTS diagnosis, having both of those traits myself. My acceptance does make me wish to look to see how it interacts with myself, especially in terms of identity and confirmation of such. I don't see it as a bad thing at all, quite the opposite really. I think this is shaping up as something truly quite wonderful through which I may get to fully understand myself a bit better. I never really had a chance to do so before this point in time.
It almost feels as though the two of us became more similar as time went on, though I do swear to myself that I never consciously adopted his behaviors or mannerisms. It was the discovery that his arc mimicked the trauma I went through to an almost absurd degree, it's in the ways he thinks and acts and interacts with the world and others that made me very easily believe that he was neurodivergent because it hit so close to my own personal experiences, it was how I found myself having had the same sort of hobbies - I myself have a violin (though I haven't played recently, and will have to wait out an elbow injury before I can try again) and have always been an avid reader. I explored my own perception of gender through him, seeing him as a very feminine man whose femininity is never made the subject of jokes and is taken seriously, showing me a very rare glimpse of a man who looked just like myself. I felt comfortable in slightly more formal clothing, it felt like it helped to reinforce my feelings regarding my gender, though I can't say for sure whether that was before or after I developed such a strong attachment to him.
I recently got my first tattoo, near my left shoulder, and it's his wings. The artist told me she had actually been watching the series and had just gotten to his debut the night prior, leaving me to wonder whether or not she would think of me at least once as she watched, remembering that I wanted to carry him with me. It's almost completely healed and I'm very pleased with how it's come out, in spite of how dark and blotted it looked when I'd first gotten it. I'd like to get a few more, a few insects and a few awareness ribbons for my various health conditions, but he is present as my first and currently my one and only.
He represents my foray into identity, into coping, into understanding what it is that I want and am, what I want from life and what I desire most to give back. In times when the dissociative feelings kick in strongly, it feels as though there is another person with me, and that the grief I carry belongs to him rather than myself. It distances me from everything I've been carrying, and the feeling of another being present with me when I need it most is a feeling I'm afraid to conceptually lose in recovery, but I feel that I'll still carry him in less fully visible ways. In dress, in name. His, and mine.
Seeing some people seem to focus a bit more on semantics, which is at least a little funny to me; I've always referred to myself with the "kinnie" moniker, but still do very genuinely identify as fictionkin
Since I've used this blog to talk about a lot of mental health aspects, heavily regarding my sense of self and identity, I'm thinking of talking about other aspects of my recovery and health here as well. Talking about the body the self must inhabit, a body which has long been afflicted with pain that is being resolved.
I self-tested for POTS, and with a 63 bpm difference, I more than qualify; I still would like to see it formally charted by a physician however, not just for the purposes of insurance, but for the personal validation of confirming suspicions held over a number of years. I am currently being investigated for Ehler-Danlos Syndrome, of which I appear to meet roughly 90% of the criteria for. I have been recommended a clinic to speak with, but I currently cannot afford the sessions; I will likely be diagnosed with either Hypermobile EDS, or Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder, which will also allow a lot of pieces to come together for me. Once I receive a diagnosis from the clinic, I will return to my primary care physician to seek a diagnosis for my digestive issues. My therapist (who had initially mentioned EDS and POTS to me, before my PC also strongly suggested them) brought up the idea of gastroparesis, something which I feel inclined to lean towards once I spent a day consuming nothing but liquid and, for the first time in a while, had no stomach issues. Receiving a diagnosis from this clinic will help pave the way for me to be examined for other conditions that tend to be comorbid.
I do have an appointment for two EMG tests next month, regarding the way my limbs tend to go numb, as well as a spinal MRI I have yet to schedule.
It feels overwhelming to be told that my conditions will likely be something I will carry with my for the rest of my life, but having answers is already giving me some solace. Being close to answers, at any rate.
Am I host to the world's most half-assed fictive..
Ah, I see, it was all about love.
I missed him.
This can be such a funny way to go about my life because sometimes he's here and I know exactly why, and it just feels like we're commiserating.
30 Day Fictionkind Challenge
Day 10: Link to/tag your favorite fictionkin Tumblr.
Aside from my own? Unfortunately, I don't have one. I'm fairly new to the community on an overall level and haven't found many others.
Day 11: Have you ever met other fictionkin? In real life or online?
I have spoken well with at least one other person who openly experiences kin the way I do, but haven't had more interaction than that. I would love to meet someone who is fictionkin in real life, just to have that bonding moment.
I have, however, seen a few other blogs made by those who also kin this character. None appear to be active, and I'm not sure if I could even find them again at this rate, but I do strongly recall them for the impact they left on me. I was at least a little embarrassed by who I'd found myself feeling drawn towards, and seeing others interacting with that same draw made me feel at least a bit more at ease.
I would love to be able to meet more.
