Alright, We're Doing This.

Am I stressing myself into splitting?

So he's a fragment.

There's a lot on my mind about finding the definition and terminology for what I've been working with, and part of me feels truly dismayed to have found an answer. The stark realization that I've been something of a system for at least two years, and never knew until now. Though I suppose it's also necessary to ask - two years ago, would I have been in the space to handle this information? Or would it have sent me further into the spiral the spirituality was designed to prevent?

I think about this in relation to my spirituality. Fragment not as an alter per se, but in the definition of soul still. I first majorly interacted with him in the self ship community; it's as though my love for him manifested in a visceral form, putting him by my side each day, assisting me in processing and understanding my own emotions, the very task he struggled with.

The butterfly is representative of the soul. One could call this divine intervention of sorts. I think about the medicalized terminology and compare to the previous ideas the medical institution held regarding being transgender. "Gender Identity Disorder" paring the experience down to rights and wrongs, when the experience of being trans is so much brighter, bolder, and rich than anything a medical text could ever detail.

Yes, while this is a lot of information to take in, I still see a way to incorporate my own belief system. Belief system into my clinical system.

I know you know I love you, and I'm willing to bet that that is exactly why you persist with me today. You show me your thoughts, your feelings, your memories. I can feel on my own body where your wings would have been, how they would have moved with me. I see now why I struggled to see the experiences as "mine" and why I called them "yours". We are separate, but not by too large of a degree. Separate enough to delegate and sort, but not enough for you to truly speak through me.

What we are is okay. I'm glad to be able to know you. I'm glad you've been with me for this long and I'm glad for your service to me. I love you.

You shouldn't feel caged by labels. They should be a waymark, something to guide you in the direction you wanna go. You can call yourself a cladotherian, even if your "clade" is crocodiles and lizards. You can call yourself objectkin for identifying as an animal. You can avoid all fiction-related labels, even if most people only know your kind from fiction. You can call yourself nonhuman, even if your kintype is per definition human. You can do whatever you want

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge

Day 14: What are shifts like?

There isn't a way to say it that doesn't sound poetic. They're difficult to describe in all actuality, and I've noticed how the feelings have changed as time has gone on. Allow me to use a vehicle analogy. The first shifts felt as though the wheel was being taken from me while I controlled the gas and brakes, but now it feels as if I am still in full control, only taking driving directions from a close and trusted friend.

A shift feels like moonlight scattering across a landscape, like incense or candle smoke permeating a room, like rose petals and love notes. Wholly unique, yet simultaneously ubiquitous.

I missed him.

While I don't experience anything I would think of as species dysphoria necessarily, I do think about how much I've always enjoyed things draped over my shoulders/trailing down my back due to my pressure stim

Finding myself asking what the harm could be in letting myself have my spirituality, so what? And what if it's meaningful? And what if it gives me peace? Suspension of disbelief is necessary in a sense I suppose, though it also makes me ask whether belief would undermine me in any way. It all stems from the same (traumatic) source

@classicaldreams

𝓜.

The nature of this blog means that it would be a fantastic place for me to catalogue my reading; it's also making me face the unfortunate reality of seeing that I don't seem to be reading very much this year..

Three's a crowd!