Why Did I Have To Be Social Yesterday And Invite My Friend To Hang Out Today Now I Just Want To Be Alone

My body disgusts me I feel so disgusting I feel the fat suffocating me and I keep feeding it I hate myself so much I can’t take this anymore

It’s really hit me over the past couple days how much my disordered eating has taken over my life, it’s like I no longer have a personal life outside of it. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep all I can think about is food and weight, I spend my days inside rather rotting in my bed scrolling through ED content or I’m walking for hours on end, waiting for tomorrow to come to see if I’m any closer to my GW. I don’t have any hobbies and I self isolate, going days without talking to anyone besides my immediate family.

I don’t even know how to feel, it’s like I don’t feel anything at all. I’m honestly pretty ambivalent to it, in retrospect it’s depressing but like Im still fat, it’s only been 7 weeks since I relapsed and I don’t feel like I’m sick enough, I still have so far to go and so much to lose.

After a particularity gruelling binge last night, I am as of now officially back up to my highest weight of 57kg. A month and a half of restricting, almost 7 whole kg lost, all gained back in the span of 6 days. This feels like a nightmare that I just want to wake up from, I want it all to stop but it won’t. Im in so much pain, I just to purge it all out but I can’t because barely anything comes out when I try to make myself vomit and I have to wait until tonight to take any laxatives because I don’t want to risk shitting myself at work. I feel so alone, I just want this all to end. I dont want to lose my friends but I can’t control myself around them, not like I used to be able too. I can’t take another week of this constant binging because I’m hanging out with them every single fucking day. I just can’t do this, I don’t know what to do.

Life has been so out of control lately and I’m barely losing so I’m just gonna focus on getting even more control over the one thing I can.

I’m gonna start OMAD’ing a monster and a slice of sourdough toast (roughly 370 all together if I’m calculating right) and burning at least 500 through steps/pilates.

I’ll also try water fast any day I have off work.

God has cursed me with taste buds that don’t like any sort of 0 calorie energy drinks/fizzy drinks WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS

Okay I changed my mind it’s too stressful I’m sticking with my current meal plan

Interact with this post if you're an active ED account in March 2025! Need more people to follow

I can’t wait for the day I don’t have a muffin top while wearing my favourite jeans

while i am very pro-recovery, i am also very very pro bodily autonomy. many people don't get to make all the choices in their life that they wanna make. forcing someone to lose their connections (maybe like getting their acc t3rmlnat3d here) or irl, forcing someone to recover oftentimes doesn't help anyone.

instead of trying to isolate someone from a space where they feel safe, maybe take a step back and ask yourself why you feel so strongly? why do you think t3rmlnatlng an account will help anyone? @n@ **IS** a disorder. terming an account won't magically get rid of that. will making someone start a new account and start over in finding community and comfort do anyone any good?

that isn't harm reduction. i see harm reduction posts EVERYDAY in this community. sharing what supplements/vitamins, sharing healthy low c@l recipes that still give people their nutrients they need, haircare/skincare tips, etc.

i urge people who chronically try to isolate people from what an individual feels helps them, to just think for a minute about what your clear objective is.

also, to the @n@ community; PLEASE try to pay attention to selfcare/harm reduction tips that you may stumble across on here, or even google stuff like "supplements for people who dont get enough nutrients". anything like that you can think of, really.

Restricting while having a job is so hard I literally feel like I’m dying and on the verge of passing out and I still gotta go clean an entire department hot and dehydrated as hell in the span of 3 hours 💔💔