Better Late Than Never, For Memory’s Sake. The Most Beautiful Bouquet I’ve Ever Received. I Am So

Allow me to introduce ourselves

I’ll give a quick introduction, although I don’t particularly feel like it. My name is Maggie. I’m a newlywed with 3.5 years clean. I’m in recovery from drug addiction but I’ve spent most of my life being addicted to one thing or another. Most days, I still live on the “pink cloud” discusses in many Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I believe in God, but I won’t argue with you. I am a proud member of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m a college student by day and an underwater preformed by night. I’m a mermaid at the aquarium here in Nashville. We preform shows in tails to Disney songs underwater. I wait tables there too from time to time. I’ve had three tumblrs in my life time. The first one was found by my at the time girlfriend’s mother. I had to delete it due to the honesty it housed. The second one I had from then until 2016 when I was locked out of it because of the an email change. I’ve written both yahoo and tumblr regarding the issue to no avail. I plan on reblogging all my previous text entries to this tumblr so I can save them for memory. This is my third one. I believe my pain was in vain if I don’t use it to help others. Please, if you need/want anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I will now post this text and begin another one about the day I’ve had.

This glass house is slowly shattering.

Traffic is so unpredictable.  I left at the same time I have been and I got here fourty minutes early.

I stay up late on school nights because I know regardless I won’t get enough sleep so why try when either way I’ll be extra tired.

He confused me last night.  I think he saw my hip because everything was going smoothly then all of a sudden he seemed kind of awkward and I saw him look I just don’t know if he actually saw it or not.  Either way, in is in.  After that there’s no backing out unless you wan me to be crazy and apparently he did.  We ended things like I should’ve started them.  After that I laid close to his chest, listening to his heart beat pretending to sleep because I could tell he was exhausted.  I loved his smell.  It’s created a memory in me you know?  It seems to be a weird smell to love.  I want to know who I am to him but asking him might scare him away.

I was talking to a friend, telling her I’ll be home around noon unless I have a lunch date with my friend.  She said, “oh is that how you get all these dates?  Get a boyfriend and theyre all ready for action?"  I said "yes, exactly  .Except your boyfriend has to always want you naked, and he isn’t ashamed to say you owe him that.  He has to expect you to stay christian while at the same time, expecting what I mentioned above.  His family needs to dislike you to some extent.  And you have to be extremely misunderstood.  See, it’s easy babe."  That’s sad, but mostly true.  It’s a hard knock life.  I wonder though, if all boys are the same it’s just I haven’t been with any other one long enough for them to show their true colors.  I’m ten kinds of in love with him, so none of that matters for now.

Everyday, I think about what they did.  And I still can’t wrap my head around how in the hell she let herself do that to me when she claimed to love me so very much.  I know I was a bitch but that was when she started treating me like a child.  That was when her, him, and me would all hang out together.  That was when I saw it coming but hoped to God I was wrong.  I tell her everytime we fight about it that the only way I will ever get over it is to get her out of my life.  She says that would kill her.  Yeah, just like she almost killed me.  She asks why I’ve changed.  I tell her because the me that she met a year ago died when the heart break started.  She believes that I can change back.  I know I’ll never be the same.  Ever.

To those who have stabbed me in the back in someway or another, go to hell.  You took the only part of me people liked and burnt it at the stake.

“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.”

— Helen Keller

check in

I haven’t said very much, lately. I’ve been writing a lot more. Tonight I went to the carnival, threw up on one of the rides, and had the time of my life. Last night, I played volleyball then a friend rented a bicycle downtown and had me sit in the basket as we rode through the park. Everything is going to be okay. Jess and I aren’t together. Some days are great and some days hurt like hell. I’m still staying clean. I’m still in the halfway house. I’m gaining my parents trust back. I’m working. I’m smiling. I’m not giving up.

death, dying, and unconscious sex;

I leaned over the boiling oil at work yesterday and suddenly I wanted to be submerged in it.

Sometimes people ask me why I get so unhappy.  I don’t know.  I just know that I do.  Even on some the days I take my medicine correctly.  Of course it’s not as bad as it normally would be, without the medicine but I still find myself wanting eternal sleep.  It’s a shame relieving yourself of this seemingly unpleasant life is a sin.  I would rather not go to hell.  So, for now, I’ll stay here.  It seems praying for death all these years hasn’t worked.  I don’t know why I still try.  The last time was less than a month ago.  Bravo fuck-up!

As a younger girl I used to think about how it seemed to me that a guy couldnt possibly have sex with an unconscious girl and live with himself.  Today I have been informed that they are just fine with it.  That bastard.  He told me he would never do that to me.  I swear it didn’t happen.  I would remember that.  Is he lying?  Or did I some how convince myself so well that night that it didn’t happen before sobering up that I have no memory of it?  It didn’t happen.  It couldn’t have. If so, that makes twice now.  Sixteen, and eighteen, who would’ve thought that would happen to me?  I am too strong for this shit.

BASTARD.

Please, what’s said on tumblr is never meant to be repeated.

“I’m not the person you left behind anymore. There’s no one here to miss.”

— Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You

“God in my heart or heroin in my veins”

— Heard in meeting (via kelseymmc)

chances of impulse

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, they really are okay with being just friends?  Or maybe they’re just really lonely.  Either way I’ll take it over being used.  We just watched tv for an hour and a half.  Simple.  I know he tried to be a good friend.  Whereas him, Idk how to read.  I can see in his eyes and the way he talks that he’s got some dark secrets behind those eyes.  I can see that it’s hard for him to be okay with opening up.  But, come on, you can’t just not talk.  You can possibly be as apathetic as you pretend to be.  and you, you can’t possible care about me the way you say you do.  Why me?  Why not all the other girls.  I hope you all show your colors soon before I go color blind. 

I don’t know why but I did it again last night.  It was impulsive.  It popped into my head and I got up walked to the bath room and did it like it was brushing my teeth.  Without flinching or blinking.  I ran over the first one a few times then decided it was inadequate and I needed to take advantage of the chance I was taking. So I did it twice more around the same spot.  I wasn’t satisfied because the utensil was dull, but it had to do because I had people to see and places to be.

I didn’t lie, I just changed my mind.

This ring I accidently shoplifted from earth bound, well I’ve decided it will be my sanity ring.  It says, “wherever you go, there you are”.  I thought a lot about what this could mean and I decided that for me it means that the journey is the destination.  And as long as I’m wearing it, I’ll remember everything will be okay.  And as long as I wear it I’ll know that I’m awake.

I had such a marvelous weekend. My best friend came to visit, from Memphis, for FOUR DAYS. We explored, rode bikes, went zip lining, cooked, and explored some more. Loyalty is rare, therefore precious, and that’s what I’ve had since day one from her. Ten years and counting. I love you!

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”

— Jane Austen, Jane Austen’s Letters