Hi, TSU.

vulgarity for emphasis

I just finished today’s work for my online classes.  No I am waiting for slut to get here.  I hope she doesn’t ruin my night.  I mean she probably won’t but it’s happened before.  I can’t be as wreckless tonight as I’d like to be seeing as my babysitter will be sleeping beside me.  Ugh, have a little fun loser.  Your life is not about making sure I don’t fuck up mine.  To be honest, you only make me want to be worse than I already am.  Watch your step, bitch.

Today was kind of lonely.  I didn’t mind much though.  I just slept a lot, which felt nice.  My shoulders ache, I’d like to go back to sleep but she’ll get pissy when she’s here if I am.  Maybe she’ll let me have a little fun tonight.

I hope no one ever realizes I write here.  That will be the death of me.  Again.  Keep it hush pussy.

envy

I’m so selfish, I know. I don’t ask for much, really. Just time, your time. All I do is work and anticipate your arrival. It’s not your fault that I require so much. I wish you could see what I see. I am grateful, of course, for the joy I’ve found in being in a relationship with you. Physically, and emotionally. I see you so occupied. I long for some type of fulfilment, other than your touch. I am old enough now to know that giving someone all of myself leaves me with not much to work with. I get so frustrated because I really know no other way. It’s all or nothing. Love or hate. Yours or mine. I’ve never been very good at sharing my attention, not that I have anyone I need/want to share it with. I know I’m just sitting here alone, feeling sorry for myself but damn. I need something else in my life. I can’t rely so much on him. I can’t rely on a substance for entertainment. I can only write for so long about so much. Sometimes I want to get away from myself. Escape. To where? I don’t know. What do I need to escape from, though? I have a happy relationship, nine months clean, loving parents, a job, a home. What more could I ask for? What am I even looking for? I know I need to attend more meetings. I have told myself that anything I have to say is too intimate for the public that is Narcotics Anonymous. So, I go and sit in silence. Although competent and content, it just isn’t enough. I will feel better in the morning. I always do. I could sit here and sulk all night. I am blessed with the money I’m making this week. I am blessed with the upcoming opportunity to start a new medication with 90% success rate. While nervous and almost reluctant, it is a blessing. I just pray my insurance will cover it. There is no way I’ll be able to afford it otherwise. It’s something that keeps me up at night. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I want to touch and be touched, without having to think twice. I haven’t said much the past few months. I tried to make myself write on paper. I am better. I just suddenly became so frustrated I didn’t want to get off the couch. I want to feel like I am saying this all to someone other than myself. That’s just it. I want someone to say this to. Someone who wants to hear about my day. I want to hear about their day. My boyfriend does all this for me but it seems I need another outlet. He had so many people looking up to him. So many people that want to hear what he has to say. He shares his attention with me and the many others in his life. So, when he is spending time thinking of others I lay inches away from him patiently waiting to be at the top of the list for a few more minutes. He is everything I need and more. I don’t deserve him or what he does for me. I just feel, I don’t know, alone. And that is fucked up. I live with the most remarkable human being I’ve ever met and I still find myself making “accidental” movements just so he will look my way. Maybe that’s love, maybe it’s obsession, either way it’s there and I must find my own way of making the most of what he is to me. In the end, I think I’m just envious of him and his time. He is so praised in our community, he loves and is loved. I, by choice, am as far back in the shadows as one can exist, all things considered. I don’t know how to interact normal. Fearless and delighted. Furthermore, who doesn’t want attention from their significant other? Sociopaths. I’m beginning to ramble so let me just tell you what has been going on. I moved out of the halfway house and got an apartment with my seemingly heaven sent boyfriend. I am a few days short of nine months clean. I am being promoted at work. I have began to seek treatment for the damage I did to myself while using. I was asked to speak at a fundraiser which may not sound like a big deal but it has been a milestone in my life for the maturity I am having to take on. Running out of excused for misbehaving. My family is a wreck but they love and accept me, as I do them. My eyes are beginning to burn.

“You mean more to me than anyone else has. Love, Justin.” I’m so blessed. To make this sweet surprise even more rad, he left an orange sucker with a cricket, of sorts, frozen inside. Who does that? I think I’m in love.

So, much

There is so much that needs to be mentioned. That is, of course, if anything truly needs to be mentioned on Tumblr. How cynically cliche of me. Addiction is such an ongoing vile, forlorn disease, as they say. Whether I’m sober or not the misery of it all never truly fades. I’ve done some things I never thought I’d consider in my darkest nightmares and the truth is in that moment it seemed like I had no choice but to hold my breath and put one foot in front of the other. That’s all there is worth saying. Jessie, my boyfriend, is the only thing in my life that has given me a glimpse of hope in things to come. I don’t know who or where I would be without him. He’s been staying with me therefor making closing my eyes on these cold nights possible, or so it seems. As miserable as I may sound every step I take with his hand in mine takes me one step closer to creating the life I pray I’ll one day have. Thank you. I love you. After several attempts in contacting me, Brandon has managed to put himself back into my life. He had asked me to come see him for a couple of weeks so finally after talking to Jessie about it I agreed to meeting him. It always starts the same way, too. He brings up the way our relationship ended then proceeds to ask me if I was given the chance again would I give him/us one last go. My response this time explained that even though I’m no happy with who I am or what my life is I couldn’t be happier with the man in my life. I’m sure there are certain things in my life that would have probably turned out in someway more positive or at least tolerable but in the long run I honestly don’t think it would’ve been worth it. He went on to tell me he’s still in love with me and would like to try again if at all possible. He had me download some sort of application that would allow us to talk without his psycho girlfriend from finding out (she checks the phone bill every month and calls any number that is unfamiliar). I didn’t directly answer his question about trying again although I’m not all that sure why. Perhaps, in the hidden places of my heart I was deceived, thinking it could be possible to find some level of happiness in doing so; if only for an instant. I’m pretty sure though I was only thinking all this because of what I always imagined we would be not necessarily because I actually thought I would genuinely be happy or content. My response lingered also because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wouldn’t be open to the thought of trying it. After all, he was my first love and there will always be a part of me that he has taken that I will never get back; a place in my heart unfortunately reserved for him. In the end I’ve found the man of my wildest dreams. A man that didn’t exist up until a year ago. A man that picked up the shredded pieces Brandon left me with and made something beautiful and capable of a love that can’t be defined. Cliches aside, I’ve found something in Jessie I can no longer live without and I thank my God for that with every breath He blesses me with. I love you, I love you.

“That was the thing about secrets—you had to carry them with you forever, no matter what the cost.”

— Kass Morgan, The 100

Turn out the lights. I’ll love you until you love yourself.

“I’m not the person you left behind anymore. There’s no one here to miss.”

— Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You

lost dreams awakened

I gave blood Tuesday. I’m not telling you because I want to boast about being charitable. I’m telling you this because I was never supposed to be permitted to give blood. Being diagnosed with hepatitis c meant no sharing nail files, no EMT license, and certainly no giving blood. Now that I am cured, I can do all those things. When I was thirteen I wrote a bucket list. Giving blood was on that list. I can now cross it out because my God does phenomenal things in my life. We do recover.

Cause and Effect

I’m writing from my bed, again. Writing is always beneficial but sometimes I’m too lazy for pencil and paper.

Today was full. We went to lunch, bought Layla new clothes, races go karts, saw a Beatles tribute concert, browsed Broadway and Printers Ally, and rode the bus. Justin and Layla both hurt my feelings today. Layla hardly counts though because she’s a child. Justin verbalized his opinion about my evening plans. Originally, I wanted the concert to be date night. I forgot to tell Justin that, so when we could find a baby sitter, he suggested she come with us. To make up for the loss of a date night, I suggested we make it a dress up date. I wanted to dress nice, go to a fancy dinner spot, then go to the concert. He was fine with that at first. He asked if Layla could wear her overalls. I said that’s not pretty fine dining attire. He was that opinion was stupid then became suddenly ill with me. When we got home, I said I didn’t want to go because he was grumpy. I started crying. He apologize. I took a nap. We ended up just going to the concert. It was all right. It just wasn’t the evening I was hoping for.

What I’m trying to figure out is why it escalated so quickly. Daddy always says “there’s nothing to figure out,” but I’d like to know the ingredients that called for such a rapid escalation. I have a few theories. First, i could be extra sensitive due to my period being just around the corner. Two, he was exhausted and frustrated from the small money tiff we got in this morning. Three, I heard the word “stupid” and took the conversation somewhere he never intended to go. Brandon’s usage of that word towards me scarred me, no doubt. It all began when he mocked my sleeping pattern this morning. He was thrown off by the fact that on my only day off of the week, I wanted to sleep in past 10. Yes, I sleep more than most, but my responsibilities are always taken care of, so why doesn’t it matter? Anyway, after he made such a big deal out of it, I got up. We rushed to shop without coffee or time for me to wake up. I believe that was a bad start. Less learned. My period is out of my control. My sponsor says with time I’ll adjust to it, and it won’t be such an issue. If the answer is three, that requires he most work. I feel I should let him know that he handled his frustrations wrong. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll know what caused it.

What I’m sure of is that I can’t blame him for not knowing I wanted a date night. I didn’t tell him. It’s ludicrous to put expectations on someone without telling them.

He did offer to buy me things all day at the mall. He knows I’m broke. That was sweet. He also massages my shoulder tonight. I told him I pulled it and needed it to be rubbed. I’m not sure it helped though.

I took my nursing entrance exam and scored with the top 8% of the nation! I wanted to write more, but I’m getting tired.

Allow me to introduce ourselves

I’ll give a quick introduction, although I don’t particularly feel like it. My name is Maggie. I’m a newlywed with 3.5 years clean. I’m in recovery from drug addiction but I’ve spent most of my life being addicted to one thing or another. Most days, I still live on the “pink cloud” discusses in many Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I believe in God, but I won’t argue with you. I am a proud member of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m a college student by day and an underwater preformed by night. I’m a mermaid at the aquarium here in Nashville. We preform shows in tails to Disney songs underwater. I wait tables there too from time to time. I’ve had three tumblrs in my life time. The first one was found by my at the time girlfriend’s mother. I had to delete it due to the honesty it housed. The second one I had from then until 2016 when I was locked out of it because of the an email change. I’ve written both yahoo and tumblr regarding the issue to no avail. I plan on reblogging all my previous text entries to this tumblr so I can save them for memory. This is my third one. I believe my pain was in vain if I don’t use it to help others. Please, if you need/want anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I will now post this text and begin another one about the day I’ve had.