“The Only Meaningful Thing We Can Offer One Another Is Love. Not Advice, Not Questions About Our Choices,

hey, hey little razor blade.

Meet me behind the curtain at six.  I’ll be anxiously awaiting your arrival.

Why me?

I got to see my baby tonight!! Oh and my boyfriend, Jess, was there too, heh.  He’s officially put up with my bullshit for two years, today. Shit has been really rough these past couple months and it’s not going to get any easier for at least another three months but today I am grateful to have him in my life. It’s really comforting to know that although I have to wake up alone for now, I can rest assured that my best friend/lover is rolling over thinking of me too.  I love you, baby.

Let's give this one more try.

My last tumblr was abrubtly exposed my a friend of mine’s mother.  She’s always in their business.  So to avoid any nonsense about things I had written I deleted mine as soon as she started questioning it.  My friend and her sister stopped using it. They didn’t see any point in it with their mother checking up on it everyday.  I’ve given it a while to cool down and so far I’ve seen no sign of her or them here.  So, I signed on to a new tumblr.  Hi.  Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

— Zora Neale Hurston (via clash-official)

cure

There is now a cure for hepatitis c and I am going to get it! Not treatment, but the cure! It is 99% effective. I am so blessed. The scaring that has already occurred to my liver is irreversible BUT as long as a do everything I’m told, medically speaking, it won’t get any worse. If I decide I want to, I can now have children without having to worry about making them sick, etc. I can’t express my gratitude to my God for what he is doing in my life. I love you.

“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.”

— William C. Hannan

chances of impulse

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, they really are okay with being just friends?  Or maybe they’re just really lonely.  Either way I’ll take it over being used.  We just watched tv for an hour and a half.  Simple.  I know he tried to be a good friend.  Whereas him, Idk how to read.  I can see in his eyes and the way he talks that he’s got some dark secrets behind those eyes.  I can see that it’s hard for him to be okay with opening up.  But, come on, you can’t just not talk.  You can possibly be as apathetic as you pretend to be.  and you, you can’t possible care about me the way you say you do.  Why me?  Why not all the other girls.  I hope you all show your colors soon before I go color blind. 

I don’t know why but I did it again last night.  It was impulsive.  It popped into my head and I got up walked to the bath room and did it like it was brushing my teeth.  Without flinching or blinking.  I ran over the first one a few times then decided it was inadequate and I needed to take advantage of the chance I was taking. So I did it twice more around the same spot.  I wasn’t satisfied because the utensil was dull, but it had to do because I had people to see and places to be.

I didn’t lie, I just changed my mind.

This ring I accidently shoplifted from earth bound, well I’ve decided it will be my sanity ring.  It says, “wherever you go, there you are”.  I thought a lot about what this could mean and I decided that for me it means that the journey is the destination.  And as long as I’m wearing it, I’ll remember everything will be okay.  And as long as I wear it I’ll know that I’m awake.

“That was the thing about secrets—you had to carry them with you forever, no matter what the cost.”

— Kass Morgan, The 100

Better late than never, for memory’s sake. The most beautiful bouquet I’ve ever received. I am so grateful for my boyfriend, family, and friends. I am so blessed.

(Purple tulips for my favorite color and roses to keep it classic. I loved them!)

I decided I’m going to try to start making more gratitude lists. I can’t decide how I’m going to do it but today started with ten things. The things I listed are things thast I am grateful everyday, and always will be as long as those things remain in my life. My hope is to perhaps name ten things periodically and never say the same thing consecutively. For example, on the first one I just posted, I mentioned my boyfriend. On my next list, I will not say my boyfriend. That way, I’m not taking the easy way out by restating the same things towards each attempt of remaining grateful. We’ll see how long it lasts, if it lasts at all. I spoke at Cumberland Heights (a rehab in the Nashville area) Wednesday. I didn’t plan on speaking. The plan was to tag along to learn about H and I (hospitals and instituations). The women originally chosen to speak couldn’t make it so I was asked to take her place. I was so nervous. I was afraid I would bring the wrong message. For all I know, that meeting could have been the first time some of them had ever even heard of NA. I wanted people to be attracted to the program. It, among other things, has saved my life, and contionues to do so on a daily basis. I was also nervous because of the public speaking part of it, of course. Standing on a stage in front of upwards of 60 people speaking is uncomfortable. I spoke entirely too fast, and not long enough. There was one girl in the crowd particularly that I hoped to reach. She ended up asking for my nunmber, so hopefully I said something that touched her in someway. Even if I only helped one person, that’s still enough. My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation earlier. We talked about what we would do if one of us started using. It is suggested, of course, that you don’t date another addict when they are using. The point we made is, if we love one another how can you just turn your back on them? Fortunately for us, we don’t have to figure that out today. He is struggling in his recovery. It frustrates me that he doesn’t follow suggestions but I am learning to let him work his program while I work mine, seperately. It’s much easier said than done. He knows what to do and won’t do it. With that being said, I want to lose weight and haven’t done anything about it. So, I’ll just pray about it. My parents, boyfriend, and I went out to dinner tonight. IT was in honor of my late birthday and my parents’ anniversary. I was able to pay for their dinner tonight. As reluctant as they were to let me do it, I am so grateful to have the ability to do that today. That’s all I have to say for now.