I Gotta Keep The Calm Before The Storm

When you walk away I count the steps that you take.

I’ve never felt this way before, everything that I do reminds me of you, I love the things that you do.

I miss you…

And all I ever wanted is for you to know, everything I do, I give my heart and soul.

I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me.

I miss you… ❤️

But I know some day I'll make it out of here

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years

Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near

Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear

Isn't it lovely, all alone?

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone

Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

Hello, welcome home.

My life has been extremely empty because of my father's passing. I still can't believe that he left us just a few days ago.That word is so strange... he left us... well, my father passed away and now all the sounds inside the house have gone with him is a huge silence.In 2023, I also lost my mother, an immense pain that accumulates and continues to reflect within me. It's strange to deal with grief, because it's a feeling of unhappiness that autistic people like me, I believe, don't understand very well. Today I wrote in my diary... the initials were... I wish everything were different, I wish... I feel that this pain and grieving will continue in my heart forever, I just wish it were less painful, I wish it hurt less.

But, When I'm with her, I feel different, I feel better, I feel like a child being welcomed, taken from the corner of the wall and placed on the lap for comfort.

Have you ever stopped to listen to the birds singing? When I'm with her I feel like the birds are singing all the time… it's like I can touch the air and see all the beauty around, behind the colors of the world. Lately I've been seeing a lot of grays and it hurts but when I'm by her side I see an immense pantheon of colors, there's not so much pain... Then I reflect inside of my heart, life was made for losses and sadness, but in the beauty of love it's possible to be happy even when you're hurt.

In all the world has no heart for me like yours, in all the world has no love for you like mine.

I always had this fixation of staring at windows, for some reason it always made me feel comfortable, has something genuinely very beautiful and dark between the worlds from here and there, I will never know what impact this will have on my heart.

If you arrived here, Welcome, this is Kaori Diary Journey.

loneliness

Everything is just so beautiful and so short…

I love you in a way that all my thoughts are consumed by you, I love you… in a way that I long to be close to you… to see your face, to hear your voice and to touch you.

In a way that I don’t want anyone to get close to you…In a way that I wished I was the only one able to look at you. In a way you wonder, how has someone that keeps lingering in your mind…from the time you open your eyes until the last moment before you fall sleep, someone whom your heart aches for when you see them in pain or sorrow, someone who makes you feel uneasy or restless, when they care about other thing or someone other than you.

Someone who makes your heart overwhelmed with joy…when you just talk with them. That’s the someone I have in my mind… so I ask you, Am I that person to you ?

TIRED OF LIVING.

messy stuff