Tw: Failed Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Self Harm (hinted), Abuse Of Power, Psych Wards, Implied

Tw: Failed Suicide attempt, Suicidal thoughts, Self harm (hinted), Abuse of Power, Psych Wards, Implied other forms of Abuse, Severe Mental Illness, Forceful Medication (Mentioned)

My time in the mental hospital wasnt fun. Of course no ones reallly is but regardeless. It wasn‘t necessarily the worst, but i have some horror stories. Like when an adult patient came into the childrens ward becuase he was „still in highschool“ and was loudly argued with and then had to be dragged out by the police. Or when i got put in the bad corner for tapping on the wals during quit time and then when i asked for a pen and paper to write down my feelings ,a coping mechanism we had just talked about in group, i was denied and then was left becuase someone else started having a breakdown and asked to be moved to the other mental illness timeout corner so i was less likely to hurt myself ,literally taking initiative and attempting to do the best for my own mental health, and was then called attention seeking for bothering someone when my fellow patient was having a breakdown (the guy who i was asking permission from was just sitting at a desk). What i hated the most was the fact that i wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to anyone because they took me away during quiet time and when i started arguing they threatened to keep me for another week. Sure i have more stories, there was a nine year old who was both suicidal and homicidal, but guess What? She was nice. She had to be put on paper only gowns, lived in the white room, had to be forcefully fed meds, and had been to that specific hospital 5 times alone, and she treated me with more compassion then any of the nurses did. We were friends, i helped her draw, and she confided in me terrible things she had not told anyone about her home-life because i treated her like a human. I never saw her again. The point to this, above all else, is that this system doesn’t work. I felt just as suicidal as I had before but now I was more scared to tell the truth about that because I didn’t want to go back. The people in power have no one to check that they are actually helping and the patients become inmates more often then not. And I know that ill try and commit again, and i hope to god that i‘ll succeed, because i can not go back there again.

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thoughts-of-a-lunatic

2 years ago

I want retribution. I want consequences for actions i have not taken but thought about, not for any sort of justice but just to know that it happened. i want someone to recognize my vile nature and hate me for it. i want my friends to realize i cant care about them and leave i want everyone i’ve ever imagined dying to know that i did that. I want to be observed and have some higher power decide that i deserve eternal punishment in some karmic way. I need to know my thoughts have consequences or at least my actions but neither is true. I want someone to see through my lies and call me out, i want what i do to mean something, and what i feel to matter even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones. I want my apathy to be forcefully taken from me. I want to feel and live and breath and suffer instead of this heavy nothing. I want retribution.

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thoughts-of-a-lunatic

7 months ago

you look great in that frog costume

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thoughts-of-a-lunatic

7 months ago

you're like a horse if it wasn't a horse and instead was whatever the hell you are

tumblr is a website where you can receive asks

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thoughts-of-a-lunatic

7 months ago

SCOUT WHAT R U DOING

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thoughts-of-a-lunatic

7 months ago

I hate when people draw humanoid versions of Bill Cipher to make him have sex with Ford NO give me the triangle ITS A LOT HOTTER that way. Imagine the things he can do.......yall are uncreative!! He could spawn some fucked up tools he could brainfuck with Ford. Bill is EVIL and DISGUSTING and a FREAK make him have sex in an evil disgusting freak way!!!!! Fuck

Tldr: humanoid Bill makes my dick shrink

Tldr²: i am aroused by geometric shapes

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thoughts-of-a-lunatic

5 months ago

Lines of thought that seem Normal but are actually rooted in extreme puritanism:

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thoughts-of-a-lunatic

3 months ago

Originally I was against this idea because it would be extremely messy if you sauce your pasta. However, upon reflection, I realized one could put the sauce in a cup and simply sip after each fistful. I will now be implementing this method immediately!

we need to go back to eating spaghetti the traditional way. no more of this fork and spoon nonsense