Adulting - Blog Posts
Yeah, but it's also a learning experience, like you now know to buy less or something else. And when you get done it's clean.
hi i just created an excel sheet where i can pick a meal and have it autopopulate the ingredients i'll need as a shopping list
i have never felt so smart
How to Handle Having TOO MUCH To Do
So let’s say you’re in the same boat I am (this is a running theme, have you noticed?) and you’ve just got, like, SO MUCH STUFF that HAS to get done YESTERDAY or you will DIE (or fail/get fired/mope). Everything needs to be done yesterday, you’re sick, and for whatever reason you are focusing on the least important stuff first. What to do!
Take a deep breath, because this is a boot camp in prioritization.
Make a 3 by 4 grid. Make it pretty big. The line above your top row goes like this: Due YESTERDAY - due TOMORROW - due LATER. Along the side, write: Takes 5 min - Takes 30 min - Takes hours - Takes DAYS.
Divide ALL your tasks into one of these squares, based on how much work you still have to do. A thank you note for a present you received two weeks ago? That takes 5 minutes and was due YESTERDAY. Put it in that square. A five page paper that’s due tomorrow? That takes an hour/hours, place it appropriately. Tomorrow’s speech you just need to rehearse? Half an hour, due TOMORROW. Do the same for ALL of your tasks
Your priority goes like this:
5 minutes due YESTERDAY
5 minutes due TOMORROW
Half-hour due YESTERDAY
Half-hour due TOMORROW
Hours due YESTERDAY
Hours due TOMORROW
5 minutes due LATER
Half-hour due LATER
Hours due LATER
DAYS due YESTERDAY
DAYS due TOMORROW
DAYS due LATER
At this point you just go down the list in each section. If something feels especially urgent, for whatever reason - a certain professor is hounding you, you’re especially worried about that speech, whatever - you can bump that up to the top of the entire list. However, going through the list like this is what I find most efficient.
Some people do like to save the 5 minute tasks for kind of a break between longer-running tasks. If that’s what you want to try, go for it! You’re the one studying here.
So that’s how to prioritize. Now, how to actually do shit? That’s where the 20/10 method comes in. It’s simple: do stuff like a stuff-doing FIEND for 20 minutes, then take a ten minute break and do whatever you want. Repeat ad infinitum. It’s how I’ve gotten through my to do list, concussed and everything.
You’ve got this. Get a drink and start - we can do our stuff together!
I want to preface this by saying this is not victim blaming. This not calling people online lazy or grifting or whatever.
But an underlooked proponent on why some people are nearing homeless and crowdfunding heavily rn is bc society has failed you by making it as inconvenient as possible to learn about social systems and programs that already exist to help your situation as well as not having enough programs and aid.
Lemme give some examples. I have been unemployed for 10 months. My mom told me about a paying job training program a month ago after I already decided to mive in with her to find work, because nothing was coming up in my own city. My best friend didn’t know about affordable housing assistance in my state until she talked to my dad about it on a chance encounter. Some people on here have to see posts about much cheaper alternatives to their current prescriptions or medical plans because its not in the interest of their doctors paychecks to tell them about it. I would have waited to get vaccinated and not have crowdfunded for Uber money if I had known they were going to give free vaccine rides the next month. But I wouldn’t have really known this until I opened the app once that program started, because it is in their interest to keep taking my money until its their desired time for me to reap their “generous” services.
What I’m trying to say is that this is an under discussed aspect of how capitalism fails people. When you are forced to make your life and work and finances so singular and self interested, you are cut off from community and equivalent social services to proper government assistance. You literally don’t know that there is help somewhere out there for you unless you’re told.
“Most hospitals in America are non-profits, which means they must have financial assistance or Charity Care policies. This is gonna sound weird, but what that means is that if you make under a certain amount of money, the hospital legally has to forgive your hospital bills. Let me show you how this works. Type in the hospital name with ‘financial assistance’ after. Should be the top link. Let’s check. What you wanna do is look for financial assistance applications and policies. Let’s check the policy. From here, what you’re looking for is a sliding scale of benefits. 0-300% of the poverty guidelines, they will forgive 100% of your medical bills. So you can see here that 300% is $37,470, so if you make under that amount, the hospital will legally forgive your medical bills. If you’re a larger household, you can check it out from here. If you wanna test it out, I run a non-profit that does this so DM me, and I will actually do it for you, and see if we can crush those medical bills.” The guy’s Tiktok handle is @dollarfor.
The majority of my immediate fam works for hospitals and had no idea this was a thing. I find that insane but not at all surprising. Of course, there are probably all sorts of loopholes or requirements depending on the hospital or what sorta medical insurance you have. This might be helpful to check out.
becoming an adult cheat sheet!
learn to coupon
what to do when you can’t afford therapy
cleaning your bathroom
what to do when you can’t pay your bills
stress management
quick fix meals
find out if you’re paying too much for your cell phone bill
resume workshop
organize your closet
how to take care of yourself when you’re sick
what you should bring to a doctor’s appointment
what’s a mortgage?
how to pick a health insurance plan
hotlines list
your first gynecology appointment
what to do if the cops pull you over
things to have in your car in case of emergency
my moving out masterpost
how to make friends as an adult (video)
how to do taxes (video)
recommended reads for surviving adulthood (video)
change a flat tire (video)
how to do laundry (video)
opening a bank account (video)
laundry cheat sheet
recipes masterpost
tricks to help you sleep more
what the fuck should you make for dinner?
where should you go for drinks?
alcohol: know your limits
easy makeup tips
find seat maps for your flight
self-defense tips
prevent hangovers
workout masterpost
how to write a check
career builder
browse careers
birth control information
financial management software & app (free)
my mental health masterpost
my college applications masterpost
how to jumpstart a car
sex ed masterpost
This is a big, giant list of Youtube tutorials that will teach you all the basic life skills you need to know in order to be a functional adult. There are a lot of important skills that aren’t included in this list, but this should be enough of a basic guide to get you started and prevent you from making a total mess of yourself. Happy adulting! Household Skills:
How to unclog a toilet without a plunger
How to fix a blown fuse
How to fix a leaky faucet
How to clean soap scum from your tub and shower
How to escape from a house fire
How to make a budget and stick to it
How to sharpen a knife
How to clean a self-cleaning oven
How to clean red wine stains from carpet
How to clean blood stains from fabric
How to clean grease stains from fabric
How to do a load of laundry
How to iron your clothes
How to test your smoke detectors
Cooking Skills:
How to tell if produce is ripe
How to know if food is expired
How to properly sanitize a kitchen
How to cook an egg
How to make rice
How to make pasta
How to put out a kitchen grease fire safely
How to use a gas stove
How to use a convection oven
How to cook meat safely
How to use a stand mixer
How to use kitchen knives properly
How to make mashed potatoes
How to make grilled cheese sandwiches
Health Skills:
How to stop bleeding
How to treat a burn
How to do CPR (on an adult)
How to do CPR (on a child)
How to do CPR (on a baby)
How to help someone who is choking
How to save yourself if you are choking alone
How to read a nutrition label
How to treat frostbite
How to recognize when someone is having a stroke
How to maintain a healthy sleep schedule
Mental Health Skills:
How to calm down during a panic attack
How to help someone who is suicidal
How to meditate
How to stop self-harming
How to recognize problem drinking
How to choose a therapist
How to deal with disappointment
How to cope with grief
How to raise your self-esteem
Relationship and Social Skills:
How to apologize
How to cope with a breakup
How to accept criticism
How to deal with bullying
How to argue in a healthy way
How to ask someone out
How to break up with someone
How to recognize an abusive relationship
How to rekindle a damaged friendship
How to speak in public
Job Hunting Skills:
How to tie a tie
How to write a resume
How to write a cover letter
How to dress for a job interview (for women/femmes)
How to dress for a job interview (for men/masculines)
How to properly shake hands
How to nail a job interview
Other Skills:
How to sew on a button
How to hammer a nail
How to change your oil
How to put gas in your car
How to jump-start a car
How to pick a good password
How to back up your files
How to write a cheque
"Sleeping like that is bad for you! Stop it!"
I hate these kinds of articles, we know Captain obvious. Unless you have a magical cure for my insomnia, that is not happening. I'd much rather have a fucked up back and neck rather than having a sad fucked up brain from getting no sleep.
Job interviewer: We will call you between 12am and 2pm to tell you our decision regarding your application.
Me: Guess I can do nothing in that time except starring at my phone and let my anxiety spiral.
Different Strokes?
I think I left the teller at the bank genuinely disturbed when I told him that “If I can’t afford it, I just don’t buy it.” “What about a car? Do you drive a car?” he inquired, his voice toning on the edge of fear. I told him, “Yeah, I have a vehicle. I bought it used for under $3,000.” He looked physically pained. “What about if you want to buy some kind of new appliance? Or furniture?” he persisted. I stared at him blankly. “My couch was $5.00 at Goodwill. Like…I just buy shit cheap or I don’t buy it at all. The only thing in my life that I make payments on is my house, my bills, and my insurance, and that’s split five ways because I have housemates.” The young man looked horrified? Appalled? And somehow also awed? This guy couldn’t have been much older than me. But it seemed that he’d never even considered the option before of saving up for something to purchase it outright instead of using a credit card. Am I the only person in my general age group (just turned 26) who’s never owned a credit card, and who has forgone basic comforts in order to save up for items so you don’t owe money to anyone, like, ever?
hey. listen. when you use too much detergent in your laundry you aren't making your clothes cleaner, you are making them degrade faster. the machine isn't able to rinse out the entire cup of soap you put in, so some of it is left in the fibers of your clothes. when they dry this makes the fabric stiffer and more brittle, so the fibers are more likely to erode and break. over time this makes your clothes wear out much faster than if they were properly rinsed with minimal soap. you are wasting money by overusing detergent, not just on the detergent itself but the clothes you are shortening the lifespan of.
This is a big, giant list of Youtube tutorials that will teach you all the basic life skills you need to know in order to be a functional adult. There are a lot of important skills that aren’t included in this list, but this should be enough of a basic guide to get you started and prevent you from making a total mess of yourself. Happy adulting! Household Skills:
How to unclog a toilet without a plunger
How to fix a blown fuse
How to fix a leaky faucet
How to clean soap scum from your tub and shower
How to escape from a house fire
How to make a budget and stick to it
How to sharpen a knife
How to clean a self-cleaning oven
How to clean red wine stains from carpet
How to clean blood stains from fabric
How to clean grease stains from fabric
How to do a load of laundry
How to iron your clothes
How to test your smoke detectors
Cooking Skills:
How to tell if produce is ripe
How to know if food is expired
How to properly sanitize a kitchen
How to cook an egg
How to make rice
How to make pasta
How to put out a kitchen grease fire safely
How to use a gas stove
How to use a convection oven
How to cook meat safely
How to use a stand mixer
How to use kitchen knives properly
How to make mashed potatoes
How to make grilled cheese sandwiches
Health Skills:
How to stop bleeding
How to treat a burn
How to do CPR (on an adult)
How to do CPR (on a child)
How to do CPR (on a baby)
How to help someone who is choking
How to save yourself if you are choking alone
How to read a nutrition label
How to treat frostbite
How to recognize when someone is having a stroke
How to maintain a healthy sleep schedule
Mental Health Skills:
How to calm down during a panic attack
How to help someone who is suicidal
How to meditate
How to stop self-harming
How to recognize problem drinking
How to choose a therapist
How to deal with disappointment
How to cope with grief
How to raise your self-esteem
Relationship and Social Skills:
How to apologize
How to cope with a breakup
How to accept criticism
How to deal with bullying
How to argue in a healthy way
How to ask someone out
How to break up with someone
How to recognize an abusive relationship
How to rekindle a damaged friendship
How to speak in public
Job Hunting Skills:
How to tie a tie
How to write a resume
How to write a cover letter
How to dress for a job interview (for women/femmes)
How to dress for a job interview (for men/masculines)
How to properly shake hands
How to nail a job interview
Other Skills:
How to sew on a button
How to hammer a nail
How to change your oil
How to put gas in your car
How to jump-start a car
How to pick a good password
How to back up your files
How to write a cheque
Pro tip for adulting: being late isn’t a death sentence for 95% of things. All you gotta do is call the moment you realize you’re gonna be late, apologize, and then give another small apology when you get there. The thing people really don’t like about lateness is that it seems like the other person doesn’t value their time, and since calling shows that you value their time, that leaves only the mild inconvenience of waiting a bit for them to deal with
Sometimes, I feel very neglected.
By me, my parents, my boyfriend...just kinda ignored and unwanted.
I feel like I shouldn't exist.
It's different than being suicidal...it's more like the dissatisfaction of my life consumes me and I just don't want to exist.
I try to be happy, I try VERY hard.
I try and I try; also, if that isn't enough, I try even more. However, I always end up back at dissatisfaction.
I am blessed, I am thankful and grateful for my blessings. I feel horrible about my dissatisfaction because I am so blessed that I shouldn't even be dissatisfied.
I just want to know, does anyone else feel this way?
Words I've said today as an adult...
"Give me Snickers or give me death"
nothing about adulting excites me, it just makes me remember that I’m forced to be alive on this earth and I can’t even take myself out of it guilt free
A note to younger users or anyone who might need it:
-Advance Paycheck Loans are a SCAM
-Rent-a-Center and rent-to-own stores are a SCAM
-The lottery is a SCAM
All of these business target low-income neighborhoods and prey on those who need money the most. They are traps. None of them will benefit you.
I've expanded the instructions I gave for apologizing into a detailed listicle. I hope it'll be helpful. Some of the points, however, are very specific to the English language.
1. Don't explain what happened, it will sound like you're justifying your actions. And because of the way our brains work, you're likely to actually start justifying your actions. At that point, you're no longer apologizing. Remind yourself that the apology needs to have priority right now, and that there will be time later to identify causes and solutions.
2. Be specific, or at least use more words than "I'm sorry." "Sorry" is used so often as a polite noise, nearly meaningless, that it's difficult to be sincere, or even sound sincere when using it for a formal apology. Again, this ties into what @theconcealedweapon wrote: we're trained to say "sorry" when we don't mean it, so that becomes the core of the word's meaning, without our even realizing it. And if you're Australian, it gets even worse!
Personally, I use "I apologize" or "My apologies," or in dire circumstances, "Please accept my apology." This allows me to break my conditioning and focus on my genuine contrition, as well as making it clear to others that I'm taking the apology seriously.
3. Apologize for what you did, and absolutely NOT how it made someone feel. The latter is often used for manipulation.
Other things not to apologize for:
that the consequences of your actions happened
what you don't like about the person or group you're apologizing to
being right
being better than the people you're apologizing to
allegedly not having any idea what you're supposed to be apologizing for
...you'd think all this would go without saying, but it can be subtler than you might expect, and sometimes we do it without thinking, because we picked it up as children, from the nastier adults around us.
Instead, take a moment to focus on what you did, and how to describe it clearly in a way that accepts your fault and/or responsibility for the situation. Again, don't bring anything else into the apology, lest you make it seem less of an apology. People are so used to hearing the above crap from unrepentant people, that they will not give you the benefit of the doubt.
4. Watch your tone of voice. This is actually two separate points.
First, yet another thing we unconsciously pick up as children is the obviously sarcastic mock apology. It's not always a bad thing, it can be a joke or a verbal gesture, but you have to make sure you don't let that habit find its way into a genuine apology, and ruin it. This is where the bit about "Say it like you mean it" comes from. The easiest way to say it like you mean it is to mean it. See next paragraph.
Second, if you can't be respectful and express regret, you shouldn't be apologizing just yet. You're not ready. Leave the art of convincingly faking an apology to the con artists and cult leaders. You will probably need to just keep your mouth shut for a while. Acknowledge (to yourself) the possibility that you might change your mind later. In some rare cases, it may be possible to tell people, "I'm not ready to apologize just yet," but don't count on it.
5. (optional) If necessary and you can do it honestly, either characterize what you did, or agree with others' characterization of it, or promise to/ask how to not do it again, or multiple of the above. Say that it was wrong or inappropriate or a failure or whatever. Name people who called you out, say they were right, and repeat what they said about what you're apologizing for. If you promise not to do it again, don't pivot to talking about how great you will be in the future, keep it focused on the apology.
This might be a bit too much for less dire apologies, and you may not be able to manage this if you apologize the minute you can bring yourself to be sincere, but otherwise, you can build yourself some credibility by immediately seeking to improve yourself and make sure that YOU never do whatever-it-was again. It's more for privately apologizing to your direct supervisor, or to a friend.
On the other hand, beware of doing this if you're the authority figure, or are apologizing to a large group, because politicians routinely pivot away from making actual apologies by making big promises for the future. People are wise to this, though, and your whole apology is liable to be dismissed as bullshit if you try to use it for self-promotion.
So many people seem completely unaware of what a genuine apology is.
And that's because children are forced to say sorry on command.
Before they ever had a chance to process what they did, why they did it, what effect it had on others, or what they should have done instead, they're expected to say that they're sorry. And they're expected to "say it like you mean it" with no indication of what that even means and with no time to figure out how to phrase it correctly.
Sometimes, even when the child's actions are justified by any logical reasoning, they're expected to apologize because an authority figure demands it.
The goal of saying sorry ends up being solely to avoid punishment. And they phrase the apology in whatever way the authority figure will accept.
The result is an entire society filled with people who give completely useless apologies that appear like they're only trying to avoid punishment.
Dudes shouldn't have to prove themselves by having spartan greyscale homes with dollar store rubber shower curtains and a mattress on the floor. Do you know what life is like with linen
Homemaking, gardening, and self-sufficiency resources that won’t radicalize you into a hate group
It seems like self-sufficiency and homemaking skills are blowing up right now. With the COVID-19 pandemic and the current economic crisis, a lot of folks, especially young people, are looking to develop skills that will help them be a little bit less dependent on our consumerist economy. And I think that’s generally a good thing. I think more of us should know how to cook a meal from scratch, grow our own vegetables, and mend our own clothes. Those are good skills to have.
Unfortunately, these “self-sufficiency” skills are often used as a recruiting tactic by white supremacists, TERFs, and other hate groups. They become a way to reconnect to or relive the “good old days,” a romanticized (false) past before modern society and civil rights. And for a lot of people, these skills are inseparably connected to their politics and may even be used as a tool to indoctrinate new people.
In the spirit of building safe communities, here’s a complete list of the safe resources I’ve found for learning homemaking, gardening, and related skills. Safe for me means queer- and trans-friendly, inclusive of different races and cultures, does not contain Christian preaching, and does not contain white supremacist or TERF dog whistles.
Homemaking/Housekeeping/Caring for your home:
Making It by Kelly Coyne and Erik Knutzen [book] (The big crunchy household DIY book; includes every level of self-sufficiency from making your own toothpaste and laundry soap to setting up raised beds to butchering a chicken. Authors are explicitly left-leaning.)
Safe and Sound: A Renter-Friendly Guide to Home Repair by Mercury Stardust [book] (A guide to simple home repair tasks, written with rentals in mind; very compassionate and accessible language.)
How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis [book] (The book about cleaning and housework for people who get overwhelmed by cleaning and housework, based on the premise that messiness is not a moral failing; disability and neurodivergence friendly; genuinely changed how I approach cleaning tasks.)
Gardening
Rebel Gardening by Alessandro Vitale [book] (Really great introduction to urban gardening; explicitly discusses renter-friendly garden designs in small spaces; lots of DIY solutions using recycled materials; note that the author lives in England, so check if plants are invasive in your area before putting them in the ground.)
Country/Rural Living:
Woodsqueer by Gretchen Legler [book] (Memoir of a lesbian who lives and works on a rural farm in Maine with her wife; does a good job of showing what it’s like to be queer in a rural space; CW for mentions of domestic violence, infidelity/cheating, and internalized homophobia)
“Debunking the Off-Grid Fantasy” by Maggie Mae Fish [video essay] (Deconstructs the off-grid lifestyle and the myth of self-reliance)
Sewing/Mending:
Annika Victoria [YouTube channel] (No longer active, but their videos are still a great resource for anyone learning to sew; check out the beginner project playlist to start. This is where I learned a lot of what I know about sewing.)
Make, Sew, and Mend by Bernadette Banner [book] (A very thorough written introduction to hand-sewing, written by a clothing historian; lots of fun garment history facts; explicitly inclusive of BIPOC, queer, and trans sewists.)
Sustainability/Land Stewardship
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer [book] (Most of you have probably already read this one or had it recommended to you, but it really is that good; excellent example of how traditional animist beliefs – in this case, indigenous American beliefs – can exist in healthy symbiosis with science; more philosophy than how-to, but a great foundational resource.)
Wild Witchcraft by Rebecca Beyer [book] (This one is for my fellow witches; one of my favorite witchcraft books, and an excellent example of a place-based practice deeply rooted in the land.)
Avoiding the “Crunchy to Alt Right Pipeline”
Note: the “crunchy to alt-right pipeline” is a term used to describe how white supremacists and other far right groups use “crunchy” spaces (i.e., spaces dedicated to farming, homemaking, alternative medicine, simple living/slow living, etc.) to recruit and indoctrinate people into their movements. Knowing how this recruitment works can help you recognize it when you do encounter it and avoid being influenced by it.
“The Crunchy-to-Alt-Right Pipeline” by Kathleen Belew [magazine article] (Good, short introduction to this issue and its history.)
Sisters in Hate by Seyward Darby (I feel like I need to give a content warning: this book contains explicit descriptions of racism, white supremacy, and Neo Nazis, and it’s a very difficult read, but it really is a great, in-depth breakdown of the role women play in the alt-right; also explicitly addresses the crunchy to alt-right pipeline.)
These are just the resources I’ve personally found helpful, so if anyone else has any they want to add, please, please do!
Is there a term to describe people with "trauma" who don't know if theirs even constitutes as trauma? And if it is, then it's not as bad as it could've been? Like instead of having drug dealing parents who beat you into a concussion weekly, you had parents who never seemed to quite be proud of you, parents who had a clear favorite, could be considered abusive to certain degrees but verbally abusive more often than physically? What about the guilt that comes with it? I would like to know for several purposes...
I'm sorry that things are very hard for you, its very hard being neurodivergent and having to work jobs. I hope you are a bit easier on yourself, its okay to mess up. I think you're cool and I understand being trapped in such situation. I can't help or do anything about your situation but I wish you have some good time or free time for yourself sometime soon
Hi and thank you. I'm trying to be a little easier on myself, but it's kind of hard when you feel like a failure. On top of being abysmally inept in terms of anything social, I have the problem of being a young adult and steadily falling behind my peers. Every job I can get without a degree is terrible, especially where I live. The main problem is that I need one of these jobs to go to college and get a better one. I would kill to be able to do what I love for a living instead, but the way the world is going, it seems like I might just have to keep suffering. Maybe one day, I'll get to where I hope to be. I just hate to mess up, partially because of how I was raised. Nothing ever seemed to be quite enough. That, and anxiety, depressive tendencies, embarrassment, etc. Every little failure and setback will shatter me like an expensive vase, and it takes forever for me to gather all the peices and put them back together. That's another reason I can't go too easy on myself. It takes so long to recover. Maybe I'll get stronger though. Maybe one day I'll learn to be more resilient and life will be better.
All in all, things like this ask tend to give me a little more hope, no matter how small it is. Again, thank you for your kind words. I wish nothing but the best for you as well. I hope your life is good, fulfilling, warm, comfortable, and prosperous.
I want to quit my freaking job. It's absolute hell. Walmart is paying 14.50 and it's still not enough. You can't pay me enough to have an existential crisis every time I think about my job. It's not worth it. I can't keep up with the speed and accuracy they require. I can only do one or the other, and they're probably going to eventually fire me if I don't quit. I'm so tired. I'll burn myself out soon if I don't quit.
Why is it so hard to function as an adult?
I literally just want to be able to have some money and enjoy my life, but no. My job is too hard for me, and I'm bending over backwards to find a better one.
The problem comes in with why my job is too hard. Not only is it a very physically demanding job (I am not in shape, or used to doing a lot of physical labor), it also requires speed AND accuracy. I have trouble with both of those things, and it sucks.
I want to find another job, but most jobs have the same requirements, or require a degree, which I don't have. Those swedish artists need to hurry up with their "clock in at the train station and get paid to do whatever you want all day" project. Until then, I just want to be able to work as an artist. My drawing tablet comes in Friday, but I don't have time to do commissions or improve my art enough to even ask for a decent amount of money for commissions.
Has anyone else ever been PAINFULLY lonely for so long, only to finally have a relationship and realize you don't know what you're doing? Like you've never done this before, and you have no idea how to navigate it but you're doing your best and treating it like a newborn made of glass because you don't want to be heartbroken. First relationship ever. I'm an adult and I met this man at work. Work is wearing me out, but the more tired I get, and the longer I work there, the harder it gets for me to act normal. I can feel myself acting the way I did in middle school and no one is going to like it. I'm also clingy as hell and I want to be soft with him but I don't know if he'd like that. Idk what a relationship should be like and it's intimidating.