They need to have a human body update that makes ovulation and the menstrual cycle optional. I'm not gonna be using it, I don't want children, so what's even the point anymore?
Scientists like to say the body communicates in ways we’re only beginning to understand. And to that I say (insert explicative of your choice). Maybe that’s true for men, but it’s not true for women-or at least this woman.
Once a month my reproductive organs get mad at me for not being used to their fullest potential. They squeeze my insides until I feel like I’ve been punched by a buffalo, and then send a river of strawberry jam out of a very awkward place to have a stain.
And they do that because they’re not communicating with my brain and whatever organ holds the soul-probably one of those weird ones like the pancreas that we don’t really know what it does.
And if the reproductive organs would just talk to the brain and spleen, then they would know that we’re not anywhere close to having a baby. So stop wasting valuable blood that the brain could be using to write the next great literary hit! We could have had a movie and then a Netflix series remake by now if you had stopped forcing us to lose on average 84 days of the year and several hundred dollars worth of pads and pills and chocolate!
And with all that film money we could have been financially stable enough and relaxed enough to make several babies. But no, reproductive organs, you have to be focused on the short term. You think we’re going to somehow get pregnant at any moment and you need to be prepared. But how is that going to happen when you also give us PMS in addition to the week long shark fest?
Basically, reproductive organs, the only one you should be blaming for your abilities being wasted is you. Don’t take it out on me.
I don’t want kids. Never have, never will.
And for once, I’m convinced my body actually understands that (though it doesn’t seem to bother learning anything else going on with my personal wants).
So in a show of passive aggression for not being used to their fullest potential, my periods tend to be bad. Either I’m in a ton of pain, or I’m bleeding so much it looks like someone got murdered in my bathroom.
But for the past two months, I haven’t had my period. And rather than be worried, I was ecstatic. I was actually hoping my uterus had shriveled up to the point where I’d never have a period again!
And then the week of a major event started, and my organs were like, “oh, you have a ten day trip with your family happening in the next few days? That seems like the perfect time to BLEED.”
Touché, reproductive system. But I’m still not having babies.