In This Essay I Will - Blog Posts

okay so turns out me obsessively drawing and thinking about br'aad for 2 days non-stop was not me just being "silly with it" but i am in fact on my period instead😔

Quick essay that no one asked for on the ship of Seong Gi-hun and Hwang In-ho. I see this pairing being commonly compared to the likes of Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter, and while I definitely see the similarities, to me, the (oddly enough, heterosexual) couple they remind me the most of is Catherine the Great and Peter III of Russia.

These characters are from the television show The Great, and long story short, Catherine the Great begins as a naive and optimistic young woman who marries Peter III, and her optimism shatters upon realizing how cruel and spiteful her husband is, and she decides to overthrow him. However, despite everything they do to each other over the course of the series, including attempting to kill and overthrow each other and murdering one another's loved ones, they somehow fall in love.

Their love is so powerful and all-consuming that even those around them, closest to them, cannot fathom it after all that they have done to one another and to me that is how Seong Gi-hun and Hwang In-ho are. Often people argue that Gi-hun would never in actuality love In-ho after what he did to countless players and Jung-bae, but that is the point: like Peter and Catherine, their twisted love transcends the violence and betrayal, showing a deeper connection that defies logic and reason.

Specifically, there is one scene played out between Peter and Catherine that I could easily see happening between Gi-hun and In-ho. In a fit of rage, Catherine finally stabs Peter (who is actually a body double of him), and she thinks she has killed him, and upon realizing what she has done, she breaks down in sobs and falls to her knees. Then the real Peter appears, and Catherine, realizing he is alive and how she felt when she thought she had killed him, realizes her feelings, and he holds her while she cries. I can totally see Gi-hun somehow managing to shoot The Frontman (who is actually a double as well, let us say) only to similarly break down in tears and feel utter devastation over what he thought he had done. Then In-ho appears, revealing that the individual in the Frontman outfit was a double, and Gi-hun is overcome with a multitude of feelings like relief, shock, and love, and cries before going to the other man and embracing him.

if you have socks on while gay, it removes the gay. the gay is gone. so, socks are a negative gay variable. however, if you have socks on while straight, it doesn't increase the straightness, or even square it like one might think. I hypothesize straight is not negative gay, but something else entirely. in this essay I will

“After all those years You cannot tell me that they stayed away for 10 years”

Art commission of JJK SATOSUGU🫡💙🤍

Wolverine is an interesting name for Logan.

While he is somewhat feral and hairy, yes, that’s not enough to go off of when Scott and the Professor stumble on him in those woods. Another trait of a wolverine is that they are easily domesticable. Easily tamed, in a way. Xavier took one look at Logan, who was broken and scared, invaded his mind to shape it how he saw fit, and named him after one of the most tamable wild species. And even still in the X-Men, he is shamed for his animalistic instincts. He is expected to be tame and civilized, is expected to be domesticated like many wild animals people bring into their homes. And when he acts on these less desirable instincts, he is cast out, in a way. When he lashes out, whether in some sort of courtship- much like a wolverine- or because of overstimulation, he is scorned and tosses aside until he is ‘presentable’ or docile. He is fundamentally deprived of the pack activities from the very animal he is named after, and is just expected to be okay. He is expected to discard these instincts, and yet he is named after the very thing these instincts resemble. He is used as a work animal, sent into dangerous situations like a canary in a cave, only to be retrieved and saved if someone may be fond of him- like someone may be fond of a pet. Logan is presented as an animal, and is yet expected to act like a man.

Anyways, Scott/Storm/Wade is the white lady who takes one look at a traumatized fight dog, goes ‘oh, buppy’, and has that thing spoiled in a week.

Every gay blond and brunet ship is Patroclus and Achilles reincarnated. No I will not elaborate.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (2005) dir. Joe Wright

Lovers?

Actually The Bear is a really good case study on trauma being deemed as abhorrent when it’s not presented in a pretty or digestible way within media including how characters who struggle with it are seen as unlovable. Particularly within Carmen’s character and the audience’s response to his behavior in season 3. Let me start this off by saying I’m not trying excuse any of Carmy’s actions throughout s3, I’m just acknowledging that trauma and it’s effects on the traumatized individual as well the effects on people in their life are complex and unpredictable, furthermore, people who haven’t experienced trauma tend to be more judgmental than compassionate towards them. Carmy is no different; him exhibiting this behavior and a certain part of The Bear fanbase choosing to ignore his past or just plain forgetting it and acting he’s like the worst person to have ever existed for having trauma and experiencing many of it’s ugly side effects. I firmly believe that a big part of this reaction is because many people lack nuance in media and an understanding that nothing is ever truly black and white. There are many shades of grey within humanity and The Bear is one of the few pieces of media that does a wonderful job of showing that. It’s glaringly obvious that Carmy has a multitude of issues that need to be addressed before he can run a successful restaurant and maintain healthy relationships. But None of that makes him an irredeemable or horrible person. It makes him a flawed human being that needs help who is also deserving of love and support. Trauma is far from beautiful and I’m tired of people acting like it needs to be portrayed in media in a sanitized way that erases all the hardships that come with it because they feel uncomfortable when they’re shown the gritty, raw, vulnerable truth of what trauma really is; of what it really does to a person. Carmy is no exception, he is struggling with his mental health in a way that is not pretty and wrapped up in a bow and people can’t handle it because we’re being shown the reality of it. He is angry, lashing out, spiraling, handling his emotions the only way he knows how by throwing himself into his work. I won’t deny that he has treated the people in his life poorly and he will need to earn their forgiveness in his own time. Yet none of that makes him any less worthy of love and patience. He needs professional help but he will only reach out when he’s ready too and even then it won’t go away over night. It can take months, and possibly years to truly heal from every thing he’s been through and after all of that he will still have bad days and he will still be just as worthy of love on those days as he is on the good ones. Struggling with trauma will never make anybody underserving of being treated with kindness or compassion and it will never make anyone any less worthy of being loved.

Honestly, I think mordetwi and the criticisms of it perfectly represent the hate people who don't conform to societal normities face. Twilight clearly represents nerds who dare to be pretty, rather than either or. Mordecai is your average aviary male who formed healthy bonds with his friends and girlfriend when society says that it's "gay" to care for male companions. Not only are they separated by distance and different TV shows, but expectations to marry the same species, much like Legoshi and hard from beastars. It's clear tragedy is present in their lives as they beg for mere airplanes to grant wishes, indicating they've been put through so much, that they need wishes to be commonplace as planes are. Mordetwi is genius. 💙💜

Live to Die

A mini-essay on how vampirism is used in literature and why vampires are dope.

  Vampirism has been used as a tool to convey many fears, anxieties, and desires of humans, including the fear of death, the longing for ever-lasting youth, and the concept of eternity.

As mortals, humans are constantly faced with the looming presence of death. Most of us hope to make it to old age, yet it is not a guarantee. At any given moment tragedy can strike us or a loved one. The theme of immortality that plays out in vampire fiction is something we can only wish for. Escaping death is something we can only dream of and becoming a vampire would let us live out this desire. 

  Escaping the reaper ties into our next theme: the longing for eternal youth. As humans grow old, we gain knowledge and outgrow our childish naivete, yet this comes with a cost. While our mind matures, our body withers with the waves of time. Vampires seem to have the best of both worlds, gaining knowledge and experience in life without upcoming to its less tasteful consequences. 

  Lastly, while never-ending life seems like a dream, vampirism lets humans toy with one last concept: the toll eternity takes on a person. As the cliche goes, while vampires seem to live forever without withering or decaying, they also must face the consequences of immortality: while their loved ones come and go, they stay. Forever. The world around you decays, yet they don’t. This puts humans in a more desirable position, despite our fragility. 

  We use vampires not only to explore our desires but to teach ourselves a valuable lesson: what makes life valuable is its inevitable termination. Not only do we live to die, but really, we die so that we can live in fulfillment. 

A/n: the fact that I wrote this is ten minutes but haven’t touched my history essay in a week scares me.

The Poet E.E. Cummings once described the moon as "the Lily of the Heavens". Our word Lily comes from the Greek word Lilium which could mean "Pure", the Greeks called the flower Leirion meaning "True". The painter, Claude Monet very famously painted a collection of over two hundred and fifty impressionist art pieces of water lilies, that specific genus is called Nymphaea, which has the root of the Greek word Nymph, meaning bride. Some now use that word in relation to beauty. A large portion of Monet's paintings were created after the death of his wife, during and/or post-world-war-two. And some of these paintings as well were composed while he had cataracts. The products of the clouded vision of his eyes. I have been lucky enough to witness some of the paintings myself, some here in Indy, while we had them on exhibit during Newfield's "Monet and Friends", or on their permeant exhibit in Chicago, or in Cleveland or where have you. I think it's something so beautiful that we get to interact with art on these levels where our human experience is so contextual and subjective. Just so particular to us as singular individuals. Like you probably will view George Hitchcock's Calypso in a totally different light than I will. I will see it as a piece of art depicting a woman, mourning and grieving the loss of her lover Odysseus. Longing, Pining, Loving. You might just see it as a painting of a sea nymph, a "water lily" one might say now that you know some other words. But art is also objective, and out-of-context sometimes too. Monet states in his own observation and intention of his works “it would produce the illusion of an endless whole, of water with no horizon and no shore”. That is to say like the reach of their intention is finite, but our interaction and interpretation of it is in-finite. It is not definite. An “Endless Whole”. You might know that I, as an individual, I don't view grief/love, joy/sorrow as separate things. They are the same coin, and they buy into this great experience called life. And in contradiction to that, they are probably not too dissimilar as well to “water with no horizon or shore”. Monet probably painted these painting and thought of his wife, Monet probably painted and thought of the war going on around him. E.E. Cummings probably wrote his poems at about or around the same time Monet was painting his collection. While also(!) George Hitchcock was painting "Calypso". Isn’t that beautiful? The Rendering of Associations. I'd like to call it. If we use some entomologic arguments here based off of what I’ve told you in this ‘dissertation’ (jokingly, basically), one might be able build off what Cummings wrote as "the Moon, the true pure beauty of the Heavens.”. Like what have I spent the last five-hundred-some-odd words writing about here. Painters and Paintings? Poetry? Love? Loss? Have I been writing this to the Moon, or is it to you maybe? Or this to one particular special person right now that I think about in my reflections of the moon, or flowers or water? These ‘Illusions’ as Monet might describe or in my case here an allusion of a seamless image. “The Rendering of Associations of The Endless Whole of Life.”

Transformers: One - What's In A Kneel?

!!!!!MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!

With the responsibility of leadership and the dangers of pedestals and hero worship being such major themes, it only makes sense that all three of the film's leaders would show their true characters, and in doing so seal their fates, in moments where they have to kneel/bow.

Sentinel Prime essentially sets the entire second half of the film in motion when both the heroes and we as the viewer see him kneel to the Quintessons. It confirms everything that Alpha Trion was just telling them/us about him, and it's also the very thing that ends up getting broadcast to Iacon in order to finally expose Sentinel and turn the public against their False Prime.

For all his superficial charisma and his talk of looking out for the little guys, Sentinel himself is truly nothing more than a self-centred, spineless coward, who couldn't care less for the needs of the many and gladly bends to the will of bigger bullies/oppressors in order to keep himself in power.

After learning of Sentinel's betrayal and being subsequently captured with the High Guard, D-16 makes a point to stand while in custody and adamantly refuses to kneel. Even when Sentinel begins beating and torturing him, D-16 makes it abundantly clear that he has no intention of bowing to him or anyone else ever again.

In better circumstances this could be a heroic trait, a courageous defiance and the willingness to stand up in the face of injustice. But it just as becomes a negative one, and it's one of the last warning signs to the kind of leader that Megatron is going to be.

He may have started out with good and heroic intentions, but because of this Megatron sees himself as superior, and whether by choice or by force, he expects his fellow Cybetronians to rally behind him just as they did with Sentinel. While he sees himself as a revolutionary, in the end he's just going to become another tyrant.

And then we have Orion Pax. For much of the film, he's a far cry from the noble, legendary leader that we know and love from other iterations, but he starts to grow into it as he devises the rescue mission, and is tasked with rallying his fellow miners to help.

Having gotten a major upgrade since the last time he saw them, Orion now towers over his former peers and they're utterly awed by the sight of him. Rather than trying to take advantage of their admiration or even intimidate them with his new size and strength, Orion almost seems frustrated by the new height difference, and before beginning his speech he kneels down to literally speak to them on their level.

Orion doesn't make a point to do this, no one has to ask or prompt him to, in fact he himself doesn't even give that much thought to it, it's just his first instinct for how to best communicate. He may look larger and stronger now, but he still values the miners as his friends and his equals, and nothing is ever going to change that.

Gaining the Matrix later on may have gotten him the name, but it's this moment when Orion truly begins to embody the true core and heart of Optimus Prime. Powerful and inspiring, yet humble and caring. Or perhaps, as the legendary Peter Cullen himself has always said:

"Strong enough to be gentle."

my boyfriend got tumblr (I convinced him!!)

anyway here’s his analysis of whatever from the first May 3rd entry of Dracula daily. (don’t let him fool you - he did actual research for this - he doesn’t know this all of the top of his head)

Bram Stoker Doesn't Understand Maps

Good Morning degenerates, My girlfriend has finally got me to use tumblr because I need an avenue to vent my rage and frustration. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dracula Daily was off to a great start. I was sending wholesome messages to my lovely partner until all of a sudden. I was filled with rage. Despite being set in the 1890s. As a contemporary text set when it was written, and being in the wake of the great Hungarian Revolution of 1849. There are too many geographical issues and I can only come to a single conclusion.

Bram Stoker doesn't understand maps.

Let's start with what killed me first. His claim that by claiming that crossing the Danube into Budapest "Took us among the traditions of Turkish rule"

But my friends. HUNGARY WAS (almost) NEVER RULED BY THE TURKS. The Ottomans got close, they owned most of the Balkans until big daddy Russia beat their asses in the Crimean and Russo-Turkish war. But even at their territorial peak they hadn't crossed the Carpathian Mountains into Hungary since 1699.

And even then, they'd only controlled Hungary since 1541. Nowhere near enough time to describe Hungarian architecture as "among the traditions of Turkish rule", it's fucking blasphemous.

It's like saying the Welsh bear "the traditions of Viking rule" just because they controlled parts of England.

And don't even get me started on this nonsense Transylvanian nationalism. The Hapsburgs had annexed that territory since 1683 and Transylvanian princes were quickly replaced with Habsburg imperial governors as the Roman Catholic Church was weaponized against the traditionally Protestant lands.

Now don't get me wrong. Austria Hungary was notoriously decentralized, and despite this what I've said above. Transylvania had some level of freedom, I could almost understand Bram if his writings were set 50 years earlier, or perhaps partway through the Hungarian revolution. But unfortunately for history, it was completely and unequivocally crushed by the Russian and Austrian forces. And following the Austro-Hungarian Compromise of 1867 any special status Transylvania once had, had ended. It became a province under the Hungarian diet and referring to it as though it was an independent nation is laughable.

Or is it? You see, just like sex and gender. A nation and a state are two different things. You see, a state is defined by its ability to have sovereignty, (control) over the going on within its defined borders. Whereas a nation is basically a group of people with a common language, history, and culture. And just like sex and gender, despite the fact that most countries (after ww2 at least but that's a different tangent) are nation-states, there are many nations without states (like the Kurds or the Palestinians). We're not lucky enough to have states without nations just yet but I'm holding out hope.

Perhaps Signor Stoker was simply referring to this concept of nationality instead. IS WHAT I WOULD SAY IF I WAS AN IDIOT. YOU SEE "In the population of Transylvania there are four distinct nationalities: Saxons in the South, and mixed with them the Wallachs, who are the descendants of the Dacians; Magyars in the West, and Szekelys in the East and North"

This quote proves that this foppish fool of a man is clearly not viewing Transylvania as a nation in the sociological sense either.

BUT IT GETS WORSE. FOR BRAMOTHY STOKERSON SAYS TRANSYLVANIA BORDERS "Moldavia and Bukovina". BUT MOLDAVIA HASN'T EXISTED SINCE 1877, WHEN IT AND WALLACHIA UNIFIED INTO ROMANIA. AND BUKOVINA (as part of the Austro-Hungarian empire) HAD ITS SOVEREIGNTY DESTROYED AT THE SAME TIME THE TRANSYLVANIANS DID.

In conclusion. Big Boss Bram has never read a map in his life.

summertime

I read Samuel Beckett’s play Waiting for Godot in my modernist drama class. I had read it once before, in my freshman year writer’s studio. The play didn’t make much sense to me at the time, it was just two guys dicking around, killing time to wait for someone who never arrives. It was weird, a little experimental, but not profound. Not to 18-year-old me, anyway.

It was assigned to me again, by a professor who studied the play for three years before teaching it. This time, I took my time to read it. Partially because I’m now 21 and less of a punk, and also because I figured it must somehow be important to read if I’ve encountered it twice.

Despite my reading it again, it still didn’t mean much. It was tedious, nothing happened. Vladimir and Estragon spend two acts waiting for Godot, who never arrives. He always sends his messenger to tell the pair he’ll see them the next day. The next day is like the previous. It’s hellish in a way, like purgatory.

It’s like summertime.

I realized this after spending 3 hours listening to my professor pound the point into my brain. Beckett’s point was that life is just one big cosmic joke, a “universally shared predicament of meaningless action” (pulled verbatim from my notes). Time will pass regardless of what we do, so we need to give our lives meaning ourselves. Which is obvious, now that I think about it.

But school has let out for the summer, and I’m bored. Time passes slowly, and I have too much of it on my hands. Staying busy is my meaning as a student.

What will it be when I graduate?

Is my future meaning to write things that no one will read?

Who knows?

I just find myself thinking a lot about the subtle similarities in Dazai's and Chuuya's designs. From the X shape of their neckties (I think it's neckties??) to the fact that they both cover same areas of their bodies with different clothing. (Dazai covers his neck with bandages while Chuuya covers it with a choker. Dazai covers his wrists with bandages while Chuuya covers his hands with gloves) to the realization that both Chuuya and Dazai have the same eye color: brown (and they say that eye is the mirror of the soul. meaning they mirror each others souls or basically they're one soul in different bodies like that one director said).

Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants. Sylus in gray sweatpants.

Insectaurs

the controversy on weather or not centaurs are insects leave out two things: centaurs do not have a exoskeleton, and the fact that the two beings that build up a centaur are mammals. Though i suppose since halflings do exist in these fantasy realms human builds can be put on anything so a 'insectaur' with no spine but a exoskeleton could possibly exist, in this essay I will