Mixed Origin System - Blog Posts
Skillfully avoiding a bingo it seems
edit: OH SHIT i realized since last night someone fake-claimed me :D :D but still doesn't get me a bingo :(
To anybody who likes bingos :)) - Unknown
This was also my experience. It’s both comforting and depressing to know I wasn’t the only one who went through this.
I'm tired of this narrative that it's just the endogenics or it's just the anti-endos being ableist because it is typically the vocal minorities in BOTH groups who are doing this behavior. I'm going to be talking about my experiences with how both sides hurt me here but this isn't me throwing a pity party or anything just want to draw attention to things.
Starting out in the system community as a trauma formed system I of course initially interacted with CDD spaces which of course led me to interact with a decent number of anti-endos. Unfortunately when I first started discussing my experiences with the disorder which 100% do not fit into the anti-endo box of how a CDD system is supposed to experience their system I immediately got dubbed as an endogenic and got pushed out of CDD spaces over and over.
I was repeatedly the excuse anti-endos would use to say endogenics were invading their spaces and using their terms. They repeatedly acted as if they were better than me because they had trauma because despite the fact that I repeatedly discussed having childhood trauma because they dubbed me as endogenic I therefore could not have experienced any trauma in my life and was therefore lesser than them. I was just that faker destroying the community because they never once sought to understand the trauma basis for my odd presentations.
Of course not being accepted by other CDD systems in the anti-endo community of course I felt more comfortable with the pro-endo community who were accepting of my trauma and my system experiences. The one main thing they did though... was convince me due to how my symptoms presented I couldn't be experiencing distress/disfunction(which I was) because of the symptoms of the disorder and was therefore a non-disordered system. This held me back from seeking care for the disorder for multiple years.
If you are following along you might notice BOTH sides repeatedly told me I did not need treatment for my experiences. Both sides tried to convince me I was healthy and thriving while I was dealing with severe trauma responses that were subtlety destroying my life.
And the people who helped. The people who recognized how my presentation of the disorder was a valid but commonly overlooked one because of how high functioning I present outwardly with the symptoms. Were people who acknowledge the ableism in both sides. Ones that are willing to call it out in both sides. Those are the people in syscourse who weren't ableist towards me.
And this isn't to say everyone on both sides is a monster but to say what both sides promote as what is and isn't a CDD experience ends up being used for ableism by members of that respective side. Both sides struggle to define CDD systems in a way that ACTUALLY defines ALL CDD systems. And there are always going to be CDD systems who are victims of ableism from both sides of syscourse because of it.
So when we were talking about mixed origin systems the other day with our friends we realized(at least for us) we kind of treat origin labels similarly to role labels. They are terms many of which are community based that help organize alters to better understand them. To know which types of situations are most likely to effect them or which they are most equipped to deal with. (We will be using alters in this for ease but many of our alters that don't identify as trauma formed tend also not to use the term preferring headmates. Not relevant to this post but I know some will care so thought I'd add it.)
To us identifying with an origin other than trauma does NOT mean that trauma couldn't have played a role in how the alter was formed. Most of our alters that don't put themselves in the trauma formed category still understand which parts of our trauma most likely played a part in their formation even if they don't feel connected to it at all. For example our neurogenic headmates... obviously our experiences with our disorders is and was traumatic on so many days but they see themselves as closer connected to the symptoms of our disorders than to our trauma so it's still beneficial for us to have that separation to better understand the different experiences both types of alters have and how they will interact with different situations.
We also literally have a origin folder labeled syscourse for those whose formation was directly related to distress we experienced in any way connected to syscourse. Because it helps us when we are triggered and making quick decisions to have alters categorized by what parts of our experience they are most connected to so we know who is most likely to be triggered and who is most likely to help.
It can also be more beneficial than roles are because it can help us categorized both the ones that help and hurt together to make things easier. An alter that's an autism symptom holder and will obviously make symptoms worse and an alter that formed to be an autistic mask can be found right next to each other so on days when we are struggling with autism we can go to the neurogenic folder and go through who we are going to try to prevent from fronting and who we are going to try to get to front all in one place. Because going through all 88 profiles and trying to remember who is who when in distress is a freaking impossible task and having alters split by origin labels helps us with this so much. It wouldn't be worth it to label alters in this way if it didn't help us significantly.
reblog if you're traumaendo and you feel alone in the system community.
the point of this is to see how many people feel similarly.
In looking for more mixed origin specific spaces I created a mixed origin system community. Just a space to hang out and discuss experiences with other mixed origin systems. If you are interested here's a link :)
Even as someone who is pro-endogenic, I think it is important to say that the research done on DID, OSDD, and other trauma-based dissociative conditions is still valuable and important, even if you’re not a traumagenic system.
I’m not saying you need to be an expert or spend several hours reading so many books and peer-reviewed papers that you might as well have a PhD. I’m saying that having a basic grasp of concepts like C-PTSD, structural dissociation, and the core clinical models of trauma-based plurality will help you become a better ally to traumagenic systems, mixed-origin systems (like me), and traumatized endogenic systems.
I’ve noticed that some endogenic spaces have a tendency to either dismiss research on traumagenic systems as irrelevant or criticize it for not including endogenic experiences. But here’s the thing… that doesn’t mean the existing research is wrong. It’s just focused on a different population of people whose system formed because of trauma.
Research doesn’t extensively talk about endogenic or mixed-origin systems because those aren’t typically studied in a clinical (i.e., pathological) context. That doesn’t make our experiences less valid. It just means we exist outside the current research. And that’s okay. But it is still good to understand where traumagenic systems are coming from because not all of us are without trauma, and we need you as an ally. Especially if we want mutual respect and solidarity within plural spaces.
I think about this a lot because if endogenic spaces were a lot more like this a few years ago, I would’ve gotten support and found community a lot sooner. It has gotten a lot better since the last time I’ve been in plural spaces, but there is still more room to grow.
Can we stop saying people with covert DID/OSDD or other covert forms of plurality are privileged? Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t understand how suffering in a way that goes unnoticed is more privileged than suffering in a way that’s noticed.
Both have their ups and downs person-to-person. So what makes one more privileged than the other?