hi y’all, I kinda disappeared for a few days, a lot has been going in in my life at the moment. Good and bad and stressful things. life.
i got into art college (I still can’t believe that)
I have a shit ton of tests I can barely breath
(and I have a Japanese oral on the 7th and I can hardly introduce myself let alone talk about my future plans....(stress levels 📈📈📈📈)
ive been living with out internet for the past few days as well coz internet is a distractions and I NEED to do well (and I just can’t help wandering and chilling on the internet when I know I have to study biology...ew)
I feel like I aged... 30 years ??
I haven’t slept good in quite some time I can’t even remember what sleep feels like...
my eating habits are absolute shit
and i think that’s enough venting for today
I’ll be back soon (not sure if anyone will care but yeah)
We’re in a cost of living crisis and our pm’s main concerns are alevels, trans people, and smoking.
I had been skipping a lot of school, since I was struggling with depression, so I missed an English exam, which, at the time, I was not good at, at all. I think this specific incident was in like year 9?
I had to sit outside the classroom the next class to do the test, and I just didn't know how to do it, so I just cried. For the whole hour. I didn't even write a single word. The teacher came out before the class fully ended and lectured me for a bit for doing nothing, and she said a line that I will remember forever: "Crying won't help you with your GSCEs"
If you don't know what GSCEs are, they're exams that you have to do at the end of secondary school, and they're mostly pretty important, I couldn't do Psychology in college this year because I got a 1 (basically like an F or something) in English in my GSCEs. You usually do tons of mock exams in year 9, 10 and 11 for your core subjects (English, Math and the sciences[chemistry, physics and biology]) and for your chosen subjects which you chose in year 8 (I chose photography, textiles and French)
Like what? You see your student crying, and instead of comforting them or asking what's wrong, you tell them that crying won't help with their GSCEs? They fucking know that?
And yeah I understand if she wanted me to stop crying so I could get back in the class on time, or if she was frustrated that I didn't do anything, but that's not an ok way to deal with it. She's a professional. She should be able to deal with it professionally.
After class ended, she held me up after class and lectured me. I went mute. I didn't talk at all. I just shrugged when she asked me "Why didn't you write anything?", I didn't give her any verbal answer.
This moment has stuck with me for ages. I ended up not going to class for a whole year and a half because of my depression and school struggles. I had to go into a small building in the school to just actually have attendance in school and be able to kinda get through my GSCEs. I also didn't get to go to prom in year 11 because of my poor attendance (which I think is bullshit, BTW, having poor attendance shouldn't mean you can't go to prom).
I've finished my first year of college this year, and I feel so much more supported. I had an option to get counselling (which I did get in the end, not when I needed it, but you know, it helped a bit with some trauma[I will say that I was most likely higher up on the list due to my previous attendance and obvious mental health issues]), and the teachers are understanding and kind (most of my secondary school teachers were nice, though).
I really struggle with things like presentations and being on camera, and I struggled doing a lot of my English presentations. I did get through them, and I think I did well on my English :). I had done all of my English presentations at the time of this situation, and my Business teacher was aware/notified that I struggled with it, I had also talked about my social anxiety with her in a class thing about social anxiety.
So I had to present my business to an audience of like 2 people instead of the whole class, and I got up in front of the classroom, and I couldn't talk, which isn't really uncommon, it happens a lot, so the teacher restarted the recording, and I couldn't do it again, then I just started crying because of how frustrated I was, so the teacher said to go sit down while one of there other kids set up for their presentation.
She came over and gave me some tissues and comforted me, and reassured me that I could do the presentation another day.
I did the presentation another day and I actually got through it. It was awkward and nerve-wracking, but I had so many accommodations to help me.
That is how you support a student. That is how you get the work done. I really appreciate her support and her kindness and understanding.
Both situations I will remember. Secondary school was a horrible experience. I've talked about the secondary school situation before a lot, because it genuinely affected me. It really made me feel small, and it made me feel like I was useless. There's a huge difference between intent and impact.
If you got this far, hello! Thank you for listening to (well, reading) my nonsensical rambling, I'm sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever, but I hope it's somewhat coherent :)