Tw Religion - Blog Posts

I love being in student leadership

But I also hate it. I get to plan all these fun events for the high schoolers, which is really important because we're all doing online school. My team is making decorations, creating the playlist, practicing face paint, and organizing games. But our team is in two separate cities, and while they're only half an hour apart, it makes it really hard to plan things. One of the students is being uncooperative and saying he's gonna throw things at people and swear at them. Most of the students are Christian (unfortunately for me lmao) so this is a huge problem. Anyway, yeah, things are tough. It's hard getting things done when we can't communicate with half of our class. Zoom is helpful, but Jesus man, how are we gonna pull this party off.

I love having a friend I can just talk to about anything. I never really talked about the things I liked as a middle schooler because I was that one gay kid obsessed with anime and Minecraft and all that other shit but in a Christian community. But a little over a year ago, I met a person equally as gay and obsessed with anime as I am, and I love them. So much. I actually get excited about talking to them because they will listen no matter what. They know more about me than my parents and best friend of 6 years. Like holy shit. I want to forever be their friend and talk to them and rant and all of that.

The best part is, I get to listen to them. I get to hear about their interests, what music artist they're currently obsessed with, that one character from that game that they can't stop thinking about, and what book they're reading. I get to bond with them. And I love it. I love having a friend I can talk to about anything, and also being the friend they talk to about anything. I hope everyone has a friend like this. :)

The Demigod and his Lover

You can't convince me Jesus wasn't queer. And Judus was a jilted lover. Both destined to die because of one another. "You betray me with a kiss"

I also totally personally headcannon Jesus as a Trans man.

And like Jesus wouldn't be the best lover. What I mean is he is a giver. Like sure, it's good to be generous, but he wanted to change the world by hand. He was also constantly getting himself in trouble. He threw over the tables of the taxcollecters. He mocked monarchs and said fuck capitalism, everybody gets to eat. He believed in the fundamental good of humanity but was also a chaos gremlin.

He is the half son of one of the biggest narcissistic bipolar gods. And as much as he uses it to his advantage,(like he'd use the "do u know who my father is" for threat and excuse) he also goes around trying to clear up some of his dad's messes. Trying to spread peace and love whether people wanted it or not.

This is also why I like 40k

Like I know, this point has been done to death, but the horus heresy is familiar to Lucifers' rebellion. Like I find the 30k/40k setting the perfect blend of all the different religions I like!

I'm not a very religious person. I love stories, and all religions have their own unique takes on scientific phenomenon. They have cool monsters and gods and magic.

40k in its absurd parody blends all the craziest bits of religion and folk lore. I think that's why I latched onto it.

Okay, I'm going to preference this before I make my claim and later draw my art.

I grew up protestant (if u don't know what that is, neither do I, I think it's one of the chiller forms of Christianity though) my immediate family wasn't super religious,(my mom probably the most) but we lived in a hick town in a rural part of the USA.

I would consider myself now agnostic. When I finally figured out I was queer and trans I deconverted and was one of those raging fedora atheists for a year or two.

Then I moved halfway around the world, made a bunch of friends all with different veiw points, met the platonic soul mate, and did a lot of self refection. I let go of the rage, the anger the betrayal, and finally admitted that I didn't know the true workings of the universe.

I personally now still don't believe in God(big g) or really any other gods.

I personally believe in a more lovecraftian/cosmicism view of the universe.

Are there any true gods? Maybe. But if so, they are as alien and unknowable as the deep abyss between the stars. Personally, I don't really think they care whether you worship them or not.

Now, I'm also a proponent in calling The Abrahamic god by his "actual name" as "God" is a title, not a name. His name was/is Yahweh. Personally, i see him more a god akin to Zues and Odin.

But anyway, all this to say:

I love og Christian mythology!

Like I'm talking stuff like the tower of babble was torn down cause Yahweh was an asshole who just wanted to see what happened if everyone spoke different languages.

That same stuff where Satan/the devil/Lucifer wasn't the snake in the garden of Eden. And the snake had motherfuckin legs, and as punishment, Yahweh said, "heha crawl bitch!" And made it so snakes nolonger had legs.

Like, I loved learning all these fun things and equated them to the Greek myths of promethus, Icurus, etc. You know?

I also loved the fanfics that a lot of people just except as cannon now.

Paradise lost(gave us sympathetic Lucifer, some fire quotes, and a lot of people forget "Sin" daughter of Lucifer and guardian to the gates of hell)

Danté's divine comedy(this was a particular favourite of mine, had a kickass videogame adaptation, and help set up how a lot of fans structure hell and the sins)

The lesser and greater keys of Solomon (Gave us 72 new characters and updated lore on hell's hierarchy, as well as some angle lore and Solomon's ring!)

Like objectively, the Abrahamic faith and the offshoot(mainly Jedehisim and Christiananity, sorry I've never read the Quran) have some genuinely cool stories.

And let's not forget the cool ass artefacts. The Ring of Solomon (can bind any summoned demon into servitude, if worn on different fingers grant's different powers.) The spear of destiny(the spear tip used to peirce Jesus. It took in his demigod blood and so never rusted and could alter the course of history)

Now again, I'm going to say I do not believe any of this. If *you* do cool.

I also condemn orginised religion! People often use it to get into positions of power and abuse their followers. It is often used as a political stance as well as justification of horrid unforgivable acts.

I like the myths, legends, and stories, not the people who use them irl to hurt and take advantage of the innocent, forgotten, and the other.

Okay, I'm going to preference this before I make my claim and later draw my art.

I grew up protestant (if u don't know what that is, neither do I, I think it's one of the chiller forms of Christianity though) my immediate family wasn't super religious,(my mom probably the most) but we lived in a hick town in a rural part of the USA.

I would consider myself now agnostic. When I finally figured out I was queer and trans I deconverted and was one of those raging fedora atheists for a year or two.

Then I moved halfway around the world, made a bunch of friends all with different veiw points, met the platonic soul mate, and did a lot of self refection. I let go of the rage, the anger the betrayal, and finally admitted that I didn't know the true workings of the universe.

I personally now still don't believe in God(big g) or really any other gods.

I personally believe in a more lovecraftian/cosmicism view of the universe.

Are there any true gods? Maybe. But if so, they are as alien and unknowable as the deep abyss between the stars. Personally, I don't really think they care whether you worship them or not.

Now, I'm also a proponent in calling The Abrahamic god by his "actual name" as "God" is a title, not a name. His name was/is Yahweh. Personally, i see him more a god akin to Zues and Odin.

But anyway, all this to say:

I love og Christian mythology!

Like I'm talking stuff like the tower of babble was torn down cause Yahweh was an asshole who just wanted to see what happened if everyone spoke different languages.

That same stuff where Satan/the devil/Lucifer wasn't the snake in the garden of Eden. And the snake had motherfuckin legs, and as punishment, Yahweh said, "heha crawl bitch!" And made it so snakes nolonger had legs.

Like, I loved learning all these fun things and equated them to the Greek myths of promethus, Icurus, etc. You know?

I also loved the fanfics that a lot of people just except as cannon now.

Paradise lost(gave us sympathetic Lucifer, some fire quotes, and a lot of people forget "Sin" daughter of Lucifer and guardian to the gates of hell)

Danté's divine comedy(this was a particular favourite of mine, had a kickass videogame adaptation, and help set up how a lot of fans structure hell and the sins)

The lesser and greater keys of Solomon (Gave us 72 new characters and updated lore on hell's hierarchy, as well as some angle lore and Solomon's ring!)

Like objectively, the Abrahamic faith and the offshoot(mainly Jedehisim and Christiananity, sorry I've never read the Quran) have some genuinely cool stories.

And let's not forget the cool ass artefacts. The Ring of Solomon (can bind any summoned demon into servitude, if worn on different fingers grant's different powers.) The spear of destiny(the spear tip used to peirce Jesus. It took in his demigod blood and so never rusted and could alter the course of history)

Now again, I'm going to say I do not believe any of this. If *you* do cool.

I also condemn orginised religion! People often use it to get into positions of power and abuse their followers. It is often used as a political stance as well as justification of horrid unforgivable acts.

I like the myths, legends, and stories, not the people who use them irl to hurt and take advantage of the innocent, forgotten, and the other.

GOD MADE TRANS PEOPLE FOR THE SAME REASON HE MADE GRAPES BUT NOT WINE WHO ARE WE TO DENY THIS DIVINE ALCHEMY OF THE SELF?

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

Writing Prompt #27

"The gods want a sacrifice? Fine. Give them my middle finger and tell 'em to shove it."

‘Nightcrawler’ seems to be feeding into the demonic stigma that Kurt faces.

In personal experiences, demons have always been creatures of the night. They ‘fear the light of the Lord’, as is said in the Bible. Their dealings are shadowed in darkness, and they are coated in flames of righteous fury in Hell. They stench of sulfur and brimstone, associating them with a putrid yellow and a furious red. They have been depicted as having pointed tails and horns in media, also sometimes possessing anthropomorphic qualities like a goat’s eyes or legs. Kurt may not have horns, but he has the tail, often the anthropomorphic hands, feet, and legs, and those pure yellow eyes. His main color is blue, yes but there’s also that red and yellow- both colors associated with something vile and evil. And many monsters in literate media are described to be clambering or ‘crawling’ towards unsuspecting humans. And when Kurt fights, he often ‘crawls’ towards his enemies when he’s not ‘banf’ing around. And the white gloves and shoes come off as him trying to ‘purify’ his touch, like a priest or the Pope who both wear white. The color is associated with purity and beauty, and Heaven in some Christian beliefs, and Kurt is catholic. He seems to be attempting to distance himself from demonic imagery and his father Azazel as much as he can, considering what the man has done and how he seems even more like a demon than Kurt both in name and appearance, turning to God and religion in the process. And yet, Xavier turns all that away and keeps that name given to him by the circus and gives him a uniform that feed more into that demonic imagery.

Though the name didn’t originate with Xavier, his choice to keep it for Kurt has always felt a bit off and almost capitalizing off the imagery to maintain control.

“God knows that when you eat fruit from that tree, you will know things you have never known before.”

Finally back home and I decided to draw more moral orel fanart but this time focusing on clay!! :3c

TW: religious themes/trauma, Implied domestic abuse CW: Straining/Bright colours

Today's art sketch dump, I didn't do much today at class it was a tad boring but oh well at least we can see silly doodles!! :3c

Chat is it possible to have religious trauma without ever actually being apart of a religion at any point in my life-?

like I just have such negative feelings towards Christianity specifically but most of them are because of the things some people have done because “god told them to” or whatever. And the thing is I have loved ones and friends who are religious and I love them and respect them and their beliefs because they’re good people

but I’m wary of Christianity as a whole because it feels like a gamble when going to a church for any reason. Like you COULD walk into a community of people who love and accept you for being neurodivergent and lgbtqia+. Or you could walk into a community that demonizes you for all of that and more and tells you to repent or go to hell.

and also I don’t really like that one little detail that says I’m gonna go to hell and be tortured eternally solely because I don’t believe in god :/ as someone who’s not religious, it’s kinda hard NOT to have a negative reaction to that

disclaimer: THIS IS NOT A POST HATING ON ALL CHRISTIANS. I have multiple family members and close friends who are religious and Christian, and I love them all sm and I respect their beliefs. I’ve had a lot of really cool conversations with some friends about what they believe will happen after death vs what I believe and i really love those conversations! :3 this is specifically my grievances with the bad side of the Christian community TvT

Linking to my Grima Propaganda from last round :)

TLDR: Incredibly cool giant apocalypse dragon who has been repeatedly betrayed and attacked by humans, his worshippers are awful and not even he likes them, super complicated and interesting relationship with his unwilling vessel who may or may not actually be Grima himself reincarnated.

Losers Bracket Round 3: Match 1

Palutena(Kid Icarus) vs Grima(Fire Emblem Awakening)

Grima Propaganda! (Because I deeply appreciate this messed up villain)

The Fell Dragon Grima, the dark deity bent on eradicating humanity, the bringer of the zombie apocalypse, and a lot of fans’ blorbo.

When you first meet them in Fire Emblem Awakening, they’re the Big Bad villain with little actual characterization, but that didn’t stop the fandom from loving them, and they got more lore and characterization in DLC and other games in the franchise. There is soo much Murder Dragon Romanticization in the fandom and it seems to be running on sheer swag and charisma. It’s also true that canon is enough of a mess that you could make the case they’re much less evil than it seems… or maybe that’s the fandom talking. There are Tumblr folk who celebrate “Grimas” every year. Grima should absolutely be a Tumblr Sexyman: he’s the villain certain people love, dark and mysterious and eldritch and full of issues and trauma. The fan fiction this character has spawned includes some of my favorite fanworks.

Their (unwilling?) vessel is none other than the amnesiac player character Robin, who was born into an evil cult for the purpose of bringing their dark god back to life. Robin and Grima are so interconnected that the death of one means the death of the other (a great source of angst, at least until Robin is revived by the power of friendship). A lot of people headcanon that Grima and Robin are actually the same entity, and the varying interpretations of Grima and Robin and how they’re connected are such fun.

Grima is also:

-an artificial being whose creator tried to kill them

-a dragon monstrosity with six eyes and six wings that’s so huge the final battle is held on top of their back

-referred to with mostly he/him but kinda inconsistent pronouns in game, probably some genderfuckery here

-I headcanon Grima is Above Gender

-parent to a Very Traumatized child (or several)

-a GIGANTIC effing DRAGON with six eyes and six wings

-I keep wanting to add more but I can’t let my brain be consumed any further

Losers Bracket Round 2: Match 3

Venti/Lord Barbatos(Genshin Impact) vs Grima(Fire Emblem Awakening)

Vote for Norman, he’s from a disturbing song about religious abuse. Don’t know the source media? Spend less than 5 minutes listening to this song.  (Trigger warnings for religious abuse/religious trauma, disturbing imagery, and bugs including spiders.) Now you do. Also, the name “Norman Minecraft” was decided by the fans. 

major bracket round 1 group d

forever torn on "I need God" and my sheer inability to believe in a literal, physical God.

How come the Jesus Fandom gets to be so widely accepted in society when the rest of us are writing fanfics in the dead of night and keeping one finger above the power button just in case someone walks in???

[Image ID: A five stripe flag with the colors dark red, dark grey, and a three stripe gradient from beige to pale beige.]

Hymngender [Hymn - Gender]

A gender connected to physical hymnbooks, old hymns, and singing old hymns

Colours are based off of old pages and common colours I've seen for the covers of hymnbooks [black/dark gray and red].

Coined for 11/4 of Felidaety's 100 follower coining event with the prompt of underrated.

@spy-cr4b @banana634 @radiomogai @accessibilitea @felidaety

Thank you accessibilitea for the image ID

chancecunningham​:

chance had undoubtedly come in hot with his questions, but he was at a loss. he’d been raised christian, which meant that to him, there had always been a clear line between good and evil. god and devil. it all used to be so black and white. but now…good people were doing terrible things. good people that he knew. people like adam. as his friend began to explain himself, chance clenched his jaw and did his best to listen.

“yo what do you mean?” chance asked as he rubbed the back of his neck and stared at adam, “like…you don’t remember anything? don’t remember yelling at cole to leave you alone and shit?” at the word ‘black out,’ he let out a scoff, “fucking christ, richards. you were drunk?” when adam shifted the focus to chance, he waved off his injury nonchalantly. “i’m fine,” the cut above his eyebrow had thankfully been the worst of it. 

chance wasn’t sure what he believed in anymore. he knew good and evil weren’t as black and white as he’d been raised to believe they, but he’d never considered that there was anything more powerful than god or the devil. but now…looking at adam…chance could see that he wasn’t lying. and this thing that had been possessing him…it felt more evil than the devil. “who put you guys up to this, adam? like…cause it wasn’t just you…i mean…heather halloway fucking lifted steve off the ground with her bare hands.” chance lifted both of his hands up like he was choking an invisible steve, “like…by the neck.” a beat. “it was like she wasn’t even human, man…like…” chance didn’t know what to think beyond that, so he just asked questions in circles. “you don’t know anything?”

Adam had distanced himself from the church a bit after he started dating Cole, but that didn’t mean that he’d stopped believing entirely. He had just worried about being part of a group that thought that what he felt for Cole was a sin. But Cole had known how much it mattered to Adam; he had shown him the research that he’d done on whether you could be both part of the church and gay. Not because Cole believed in any of it himself - he didn’t - but he knew that it mattered to Adam. And now, things were even more complicated than before. Because... how could someone who had strived their whole life to be good and do the right thing suddenly be capable of evil? What had Adam done to deserve this, or Jack for that matter? Was there even a Heaven or a Hell, and did Adam coming back mean that he didn’t deserve either? 

At the mention of what he’d done at the carnival, Adam flinched. Chance was upset, and he had a right to be. From the outside, Adam’s behavior made no sense and the things he had done were terrible. “No, I don’t,” He shook his head, distressed at the thought of yelling at Cole “I didn’t mean to.” Adam’s gaze snapped back up to Chance, eyes hardening at the implication that he’d been drunk that night. “I didn’t take or drink anything! I don’t know what happened, Chance! But I wasn’t drunk!” 

He wished he knew what had possessed them. Cole had called it the Mindflayer, but that meant nothing to Adam. He had never heard of anything like it, and he didn’t even know where to start looking into it. Research was more Cole’s area of expertise anyway. “I don’t know, Chance. Something... was controlling us, apparently.” Adam didn’t know how much it was okay to share with his best friend - did he tell him the whole truth or not? It wasn’t exactly something someone could just unknow once they’d heard it. Adam stared in shock at the image of Heather choking Steve and picking him up by the neck - he hadn’t heard that graphic detail yet. Jesus Christ. “I don’t know how we were suddenly super strong, or why she did that, man. I just know that I can’t remember it and apparently that’s how I was acting three years ago when... right before the forest commune thing happened.” Adam covered, not sure how Chance might take the news that he’d died. 

thequeenofhawkins​:

There were only a handful of people that made Chrissy feel truly safe or like herself. At the top of that list rested Adam Richards. Childhood best friend. Ex-boyfriend. Closest friend. She felt like there was no one she knew better. Cut from the same cloth, some would say. They both ticked off that boy-next-door/girl-next-door behavior and both deserved more than what they were dealt from life. Namely? Death. 

Chrissy shut the door behind her, given Adam’s permission. She let out a soft laugh. If anything, Adam’s mom would probably leap with joy knowing they were in his bedroom with the door shut. She knew their parents hoped that it would be Chrissy and Adam that ended up together in the end, which would never happen in a million years. “Tell me about it. My mom wanted to get me drug tested when I came back home,” and Laura Cunningham had drug tested her daughter, only for the test to come back negative. 

“The same,” she answered, vaguely. Whenever Chrissy thought back to her time on the commune, she couldn’t remember anything. If she tried hard enough she could remember being in Eddie’s trailer, then in the forest, and then back home, but any memory of the forest just felt like a memory that wasn’t hers. Like, they belonged to someone else or… they weren’t entirely real at all. “What do you mean?” She asked, turning her head towards him. The more she thought about it, Chrissy was able to convince herself that she had willingly gone, even through all the fallacies. “Like, that we were never there?”

Chrissy was probably his closest friend besides Cole. She knew so much about him; so many small personal details she’d accumulated over the years of them being family friends, then awkward boyfriend/girlfriend, and finally actual friends. Being around her had become so much easier once he had come out - he felt like she really understood him. She had seen the bad with the good, and accepted him because of who he was. In Adam’s eyes, there was no one in the world with a better heart that Chrissy Cunningham.

Rebecca Richards had always wanted them to end up together - she had taken their breakup worse than anyone else. Adam had had to assure her multiple times that they weren’t getting back together, no matter how perfect they seemed for one another. They were better off as friends. And though he couldn’t tell her this - Adam was gay. If he could fall in love with a girl, it would be someone like Chrissy, but he just wasn’t interested. He hadn’t been since the moment he met Cole Montgomery and he realized that he could only ever love him. “Thank god mine didn’t. Although, maybe we should have,” He said, brow furrowing in thought. After all, Adam thought there was a good chance that maybe they had been drugged with something unless Cole was right about everything.

Adam was terrified about what not remembering meant. If there was nothing to remember, and he had died, did that mean he hadn’t gone to Heaven or Hell? It had been years since Adam had really felt like he belonged in church, and he really didn’t know if he could believe in a God that hated him for being in love with Cole, but..... he just couldn’t believe that he’d gone no where. Adam really didn’t like thinking about that. “No, I mean...well, maybe?” Adam shrugged. “Maybe we were drugged and taken there or something.” He proposed, preferring to believe that rather than the possibility that he had died. 

Candlelight

Cw: loss of virginity, piv sex

Eli groaned as he settled on the edge of the bed to untie his shoes while you shed your dress and hastily pull your nightgown over your head while his back was still turned.

“I enjoyed today,” he says suddenly. “Did you have a nice time?”

You hear his shoes clunk on the floor and shuffling as he begins to dress for bed. Eli’s near-nudity didn’t make you nearly as nervous as the prospect of him seeing you. You’d seen him in his boxers countless times when you had gone swimming together in your youth. Things were so different now, but at the end of the day, Eli was still the same boy you had spent almost your entire life beside.

“Of course I did, I married an amazing man.”

He pauses for a brief moment, before resuming his present task. “What about the house? Do you like the house?”

Oh he was so terribly nervous. Before the wedding, Eli was as composed as a monk, calling on the pastor from the next town over to officiate, calmly instructing the women of the congregation on how to decorate the church. He had it all together while you clambered for your composure just outside the door, waiting for your cue.

But here he was, anxious now as you were earlier that morning, questioning if you were actually happy with the life the two of you were building. The house he had had built for the two of you to live in was beautiful. A small place with three bedrooms, settled under the big tree not far from the church. Asking him for anything more would be foolish. It was perfect as it was.

“I’d love anything you gave me,” you reply, pulling back the covers and slipping into the bed.

He sighs deeply. “That’s not what- please be honest.”

“Darling, it’s a very nice house. Don’t be so nervous, I’m just your wife.”

Eli slips into the bed beside you, leaning against the headboard, smiling softly when you roll over to face him.

“That’s the terror of it. I’ve married the woman I’ve loved since I was a child. I don’t know where to go from here.”

“As sentimental as ever,” you chide jokingly, moving to rest your head on his thigh, tugging the blanket around your face. “I thought I had lost you when you gave your life over to God.”

Eli had suddenly become a zealot when he was fifteen, turning almost all of his attention to the scripture. He’d left town when he was seventeen to study under another Pastor a few towns over, returning when he was nineteen and promptly asking you to allow him to formally court you. He was your childhood sweetheart, so naturally you agreed, and so did your parents, thinking that a man of God would be good to tame your wild nature.

Ever the untamed child you were, always coming home after dark with scraped knees and bruises from falling out of trees, a sheepish Eli trailing behind you, knowing he was going to be punished for being late, but refusing to leave you. Summer days spent holed up in a blackberry thicket gorging yourself on the sweet fruits, face and fingers sticky, bathing in the pond after to rid yourself of the feeling, returning home hours later in your soaked shift, dress thrown haphazardly over your shoulder as you darted past your neighbors to avoid being seen.

As you’d grown older, Eli was less resistant to going swimming with you, then laying in the sun in the grass, chatting as you waited for your underclothes to dry, sometimes stealing a kiss or two if one of you felt brave that day. You two had been especially close in the weeks right before Eli had disappeared. When he did, you’d grieved him like he was dead, despite his folks and yours assuring you it was only a temporary arrangement.

Even though Eli was a ‘Pious’ man, and in all technicality, in charge of you, he let you do as you pleased, not having it in his heart to stamp out your youthful nature. He preached his sermons and then followed you to the pond to swim for a few hours before walking you home for the evening. He’d return right after breakfast the next morning to get you and not be surprised when he was informed that you’d already been gone for hours. When he would find you perched in a tree, munching on whatever fruit grew there, he would join you, talking for hours or sitting in silence. It didn’t matter much to him, he was just happy to be back.

“I gave myself to God so I didn’t humiliate myself. I was so young and immature I surely would have driven you away. I had to put the energy elsewhere.”

You chuckle and wrap your arms around his leg. “It’d take an act of God to get rid of me.”

“Don’t say that,” he laughs, running his fingers through your hair, fighting the urge to admit that the prospective act of God terrified him.

“Sorry,” you hum, pulling his leg closer to your body.

“I’m joking, darling. You usually wrap your hair when you sleep, what’s changed?” Oh he just loved bringing up the time he walked in on you in your night clothes a few months ago after forgetting to knock. You could have very well been nude. Had he no shame?

“Aren’t pastor’s wives supposed to be plain, besides, don’t we have ‘marital duties’ to carry out?”

Eli chuckles at your comment and prys your hands from him so he can settle himself beside you. “I’d have to go blind to see you as plain. We only have to lay together if you’d like to, I’ve abstained long enough that I don’t think a while more will kill me.”

“I’ve always been curious as to what it’s like. I wouldn’t mind,” you hum, pulling yourself to rest on his chest, basking in the rise and fall of his breath and the gentle thrum of his heartbeat.

His heart stutters at your words. “Has nobody told you what it’s like?”

“No, mother said it was unladylike to speak about it so we never did.”

“When have you ever been ladylike? It’s almost cruel, sending you into the lion’s den unarmed. My father sat me down to talk about it once, right before I left. It was uncomfortable,” he pauses and releases a breath. “He went into excruciating detail about… many things. Perhaps that’s what drove me away. I believe I was too young to fathom the complexity of the situation then.”

“How do you mean,” You question, propping yourself up on his chest watching as he thinks carefully of his answer, a soft pink dusting his cheeks, drawing a smile to your lips.

“I couldn’t connect the feeling, the… experience to the explanation. Youth is overzealous with emotion. It drives to the point of madness, there was no time to truly think on it. I believe I have a firmer grasp on it now,” he hums, bumping his forehead against yours.

Eli’s in a state you’ve never seen him in, his pupils blown wide, his face flushed, lips parted slightly, warm breath ghosting against your lips as you gaze down at him. You bring the hand not supporting you up to tangle in his chestnut hair, leaning down, brushing your lips softly against his before kissing him warmly. His arms wrap around you, pulling you into him as he follows your lips with his, urging you to kiss him more harshly, and you do. You’re fervent, soft flesh against flesh, and mess of teeth and tongue and obscenely wet sounds as the two of you become closer than you’ve ever been.

You whine when he bites your lip a bit too harshly, almost drawing blood, but he realizes his wrongdoing and quickly soothes it with his tongue. One hand moves up to hold the back of your head while the other trails down your side to grip your thigh with almost bruising vigor, urging you to straddle his thigh. You allow him to pull your leg where he wants it, settling into your new place over him. Eli falls back against his pillow, heaving for breath, saliva trailing down his chin, a dopey smile gracing his lips as he slyly brings his thigh up between yours, making your breathing hitch in your throat at the friction, a warmth pooling in your belly, familiar but not.

“Have you- Have you ever…touched yourself,” he asks, innocently enough, leaning up to press his lips briefly against yours again.

“No.”

“Oh, God,” he groans, squeezing his eyes shut, pushing his head back into the pillow. His hands roam up your back, bunching your nightgown in his hands as they fall to rest on your hips, pulling you into his thigh, drawing a soft moan from your lips. “M-May I,” he murmurs, tugging on the cloth to distinguish his intentions.

“Yes,” you whisper back, pulling away to allow him to pull your nightgown over your head, leaving you completely bare before him. His cheeks flush a deeper shade of crimson and he looks away for a moment before focusing his gaze back on your face. “You look almost as embarrassed as I feel.”

Eli opens his mouth to speak, promptly closing it and furrowing his eyebrows. “I’ve just never seen a woman like this is all.”

“And I’ve never been seen,” you counter, crossing your arms over your chest.

He chuckles, scrunching up his nose and bringing a hand up to run his thumb along your cheek. “Nothing to be ashamed of, you’re amazing. Kiss me?”

You lean down, and bump your nose against his before pressing your lips to his, and he kisses you the way he had before, drawing physical reactions from you. HIs hand gives your waist another squeeze before shifting his weight, rolling you onto your back and following close behind. Your breath hitches in your throat as you realize you’re suddenly at his mercy. The scraggly, unimposing boy you had known had grown into a man during his time away, still far from intimidating, but Eli was of his own will now, knowing what he wanted and he had the means to get it. You wouldn’t oppose him even if you wanted to.

The sound Eli makes when he ruts his hips against yours floods you with unfamiliar emotions, urging his body closer to yours. Despite your urging, he pulls away, taking you in, his brows furrowing again, his eyes drifting to the side as he thinks. Finally he decides his course of action and pulls one of your legs up to his shoulder, kissing your ankle chastely. He works his way up your leg, his kisses becoming harsher as he reaches the tender skin of your inner thigh before stopping. You tangle your fingers in his hair, tugging softly to encourage him to continue whatever it was he was planning.

He buries his face in between your legs, his tongue carefully testing your reaction. When you whine and fist his hair more harshly, he takes it as a sign that he’s pleasing you. It’s clear from his uncertainty that he’s inexperienced, his mouth moving hesitantly against you as he gauges each reaction separately. He’s a fast learner, doubling down on the motions that draw the most from you, reveling in the way your back arches and your thighs squeeze around his head.

You whimper above him, attempting to squirm away from him, prompting him to grab your thighs and pull you back to him. The pleasure he takes in knowing he’s the only one that’s ever made you feel like this, that he’s the only one that you’ve let please you, it’s almost too much for him to bear. He releases one of your thighs, bringing his fingers to tease at your entrance, gathering the slick combination of your arousal and his saliva on them before carefully easing them into you.

A moan tumbles from your lips at the sensation. Eli’s fingers are almost skillful as they curl into you, beckoning you closer and closer to the edge. And then you’re there, falling over with a cry of his name, pulling him closer and squeezing him with your thighs as he pulls you through your orgasm. The sensation’s so unfamiliar that you don’t even register that it’s too much until you’re trembling and pushing him away.

When Eli pulls himself away from you he looks as wrecked as you feel, his hair mussed, chin slick with you, gasping for breath as he wipes his mouth on the back of his hand. “Are you- okay? Was that good?”

All you can do is nod and whine, opening your arms to him weakly. He accepts your offer and settles his head on your chest, taking notice of how erratic your heart is in your chest, of how he made it that way. He stretches up to kiss you again. It’s rougher than he would have liked, but he’s still worked up, straining painfully against his cotton shorts as he does his best to keep his composure for your sake.

“Eli, what about you,” you ask, sliding your hand down his back, toying with the waistband of his shorts.

“I’m fine, you don’t have to-”

“I want to, besides, it doesn’t really count if we don’t right?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re ready,” he asks, propping himself up on his elbow, looking down at you, taking in your soft expression.

“Of course,” you reply, smiling innocently as you push his shorts off his hips. He kicks them the rest of the way off. The sudden realization that Eli is completely naked has you putting all of your focus into maintaining eye contact.

“Nervous,” he teases, leaning down to kiss you.

“Me? Never,” you counter, your fingers cautiously crossing the space between you and taking hold of him. His cock is heavy in your hand, your touch making his breath catch in his throat helplessly. Eli’s hips fall into place as you open yourself to him. His hand comes down to guide your hand in lining him up with your entrance, whining as he teases himself against you.

Eli groans and drops his head into the crook of your shoulder as he pushes into you, just barely, slowly easing himself in, giving you time to stretch around him. You grip his shoulder, nails leaving crescent imprints as his hips finally meet yours, a breathy sigh falling from his lips at the sensation. The fullness he brings is almost too much, tears brim in your eyes as Eli brings his forehead to rest against yours, a sign of affection he had been giving you for years when he didn’t know what else to say or do, just a gentle reminder that he’s there with you. It was comforting and familiar despite all the new things you had done together already that day.

“Eli,” you breathe, leaning up to brush your nose against his. “I’m okay, you can, you can move now.” He nods against you and pulls his hips away slowly, the drag making you both moan. Eli sets a slow pace, bringing his hand to rest on the side of your neck, thumb caressing the curve of your cheekbone as he leans to kiss you.

His thrusts become sloppy as he gets closer to his own high, moving his hand from your face down between you, clumsily trying to get you to finish before him, groaning when you tighten around him. You fall over first, wrapping your legs around his back as his hips stutter and he spills inside you. He drops his body onto yours haphazardly, completely spent, groaning and kissing you despite fighting for his breath.

When he pulls away an emptiness follows, making you want to hold him closer as he settles on his side of the bed facing you. “Was that good? Do you need anything?”

You just nod and pull yourself towards him, resting your head on his chest, listening as his heart rate slowly returns to normal. “It was good, you don’t have to keep asking. Just hold me.”

“Okay,” he murmurs, you can hear the soft smile in his voice even though you can’t see him. He wraps his arms around you and strokes your hair as the two of you drift off to sleep together.

“Bible Study”

Cw: mentions of abuse,puritan culture, secret relationship

You trembled as you sat at the table across from your father. He was calm, too calm. His collected demeanor was merely a mask to cover the rage he would inevitably let loose on you.

“I’ve heard things about you, y/n. Things I don’t want to be hearin’. You been disappearin’ a lot more and people are saying you’ve been running around with boys.”

You fight the urge to turn your eyes away from your father’s as you think about the last few months. You had been running around, though not with boys. You’d been spending every free moment you had with a man. A godly man, whom you trusted to protect you from the forces of the Devil while he used your body for sin.

“I haven’t been running around. I’ve been with Father Sunday, you can ask him. You know how I struggle to grasp my readings. He’s been kind enough to help me with the word.” You state, trying your best to sound as innocent as possible.

“Get up,” he snaps, causing you to jump in your seat, straightening your spine to attention as you stand.

“Where are we going,” you question, voice trembling as all the possible punishments your father could lay on you race through your mind.

“We’re going to have a word with Father Sunday, and if he doesn't corroborate your story you best hope we’re out of grits,” he growls, grabbing the back of your neck forcefully and guiding you towards the front door, jolting you harshly as you struggle to keep up.

He marches you across the field to the chapel beneath the tree and kicks the door open, pushing you down the aisle to where Eli kneels before the cross, his head bowed in prayer.

“Father Sunday,” your father calls, startling Eli from his task. “I’m terribly sorry to bother you so late in the evening, but I have reason to believe my daughter’s gotten herself into a predicament.”

Eli stands and turns to face you, taking your hands in his and gently pulling you away from your fathers grasp. “Oh that’s quite alright. What ails you child,” he hums, bringing his palm up to rest on your forehead.

“Word around town is that she’s been running around with boys and getting up to ungodly things.”

“Oh, no no,” Eli murmurs, moving your body so his view of your father is unobstructed. “That’s simply not true. She’s been here with me, studying. I know how she struggles and how terribly she wishes to be close to God. She’s done nothing wrong, and I’ll make sure everybody knows that. I was worried when she didn’t make it this afternoon, was it at your discretion sir?”

“I kept her home to question her on the matter.”

“I see,” Eli hums, looking over at you, taking notice of the way your hand trembled in his. “Would you still like to study this evening instead? I’ve got plenty of lamp oil.”

You nod softly at his offer. “Yes sir, I’d appreciate it.”

Eli releases your hand and turns his attention to your father. “She’s in good hands, sir. I’ll see to it that she gets home safe.”

You watch as your father nods curtly, merley giving Eli a grunt as he turns on his heel and retreats through the heavy doors of the church.

As soon as the door slams behind him you fall into Eli, a sob wracking your body as his arms wrap around you. “Oh Eli, thank you. Thank you.”

Eli’s hands grip your shoulder as he pushes you away to look at your face. “What’s he done to you now?”

“Nothing. He didn’t do anything this time. If your story hadn’t agreed he’d have made me kneel in grits again.”

“Oh darling, my darling girl. I won’t allow it. I’ll make my next sermon about sparing the rod, he’s sure to listen,” he rambles, his hands roaming hurriedly as the pads of his fingers trace the contours of your face, wiping your tears away.

“Eli, that won’t do a thing.”

“You should marry me. If we got married I could take you away from him for good. He could never put his hands on you again. We wouldn't even have to share a bed if you don’t want to.”

“Please, Eli, I don’t want to think about that anymore.”

His arms relax, pulling you towards him and the weight of his head resting on yours comforts you. “Alright then. I understand. Let’s go into the study.”

“Of course Eli, let’s,” you hum, allowing him to lead you into his study and settle you into the chair across from him.

“So aside from your father, how have you been since I last saw you, darling,” he questions, reaching across his desk to take your hands into his once again.

“I’ve been well, just helping mother with the canning for winter when I’m not with you.”

“Do you like being here, with me?”

“Of course I do Eli, I wouldn’t come around if I didn’t. I- I do love you, you know.”

“I love you too, darling. I meant what I said. I would like to marry you.”

“We can’t now, my father’s already suspicious. Just give it a year, then we’ll be safe.”

Eli sighs, leaning to rest his head on his arm. “I wish he wasn’t so cruel to you. I’d kill him if I could.”

“Eli, don’t talk like that. It’s sinful.”

“All I care about is you. I just want you to be free.”

“And I will be in time.”

He sighs again and brings you hand to his lips, kissing it gently and looking up at you.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he hums, making a warm blush creep across your cheeks. “I haven’t done right by you and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to take so many risks for me.”

“I wouldn’t have if I didn’t want to.”

“I haven’t forced your hand?”

“Never,” you reply, pulling him into a kiss. “I’m my own woman, I don’t need a preacher-man to guide me. I understand the Bible just as well as you, you know, I just wanted a reason to spend time with you.”

He laughs and brings his hand to cup your cheek. “Well, I’m glad your father thinks you’re as foolish as he is.”

Hello tumblr, this is a poem I wrote about myself, tws in tags

Fun fact: Hell doesn't exist. The world is yours and you'll only get to exist once so do whatever you want and stop wasting your time worrying about weird religions holding you back from happiness. Touch yourself. Be gay. Get an abortion. Change your gender. Have premarital sex. Read Jesus x Buddha fanfics and get freaky

Christianity and hate (Ice cold take guys)

YOU ARE NOT CHRISTIAN IF YOU PROMOTE HATE.

YOU'RE NOT.

I don't care what verse you cite. I don't care what justification you give. Christianity is about LOVING OTHERS. THIS IS WHAT PUSHES PEOPLE AWAY. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE LEAVE. If you look at someone and say they are lesser because of xyz, you're NOT CHRISTIAN.

People I know and that I see that have the audacity to go ahead and say you can't curse and then use the lord's name in vain because 'this is an abomination!' just make me SO MAD. YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN IF YOU CLAIM JESUS PREACHES ANYTHING BUT ABSOLUTE LOVE. YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN IF YOU GO TO CHURCH AND THEN TURN AROUND AND TELL SOMEONE THEY'RE GOING TO HELL. THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE.

[Coloured text- YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN IF YOU CLAIM JESUS PREACHES ANYTHING BUT ABSOLUTE LOVE. YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN IF YOU GO TO CHURCH AND THEN TURN AROUND AND TELL SOMEONE THEY'RE GOING TO HELL. THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE.]

A twist on The Creation of Adam, this time oc style

(Reblogs > Likes, both are greatly appreciated)

(Click for better quality)

Please appreciate the gay it's for portfolio and I love them both

(I don't usually ask this but... reblogs are super appreciated, I spent a long time on this and I'm super proud of it)

PALADIN KRISTEN. i will die on this hill.

i don't want kristen to lose her faith entirely. i think back to prompocalypse, talking to the ether the gods get their answers from, and saying into the ether that she cares. she wants a god that cares, not just about her but about all the good people she wishes she could help, because if there's nobody more powerful that cares then it's her responsibility to care for them and she's not a god. she couldn't trust her family to care, couldn't trust her church, couldn't even trust her god, and she had to step up and be the person who cares even though she's just a clumsy kid who got her girlfriend newspaper-copying putty for a joint anniversary/birthday gift.

[and then she makes cassandra, still desperate for that perfect god that she can trust to protect people for her. but cassandra, just like yes, is created and controlled by her and thus entirely dependent on her and her ever-changing ideals. kristen still only trusts herself to do right by people, so the only god she will accept is one that she designs to be just like her and indulge her every phase and that means without her there to decide what the god should be there is no god. there is no morality to a religion that bends to your every will because your actions don't have consequences - cassandra and yes weren't created to be good, just to give power to kristen when she wants it. and that means that all of the responsibility still falls on kristen to be good.]

because the alternative would be being complicit, and kristen cannot rest unless she is doing everything possible that she can to help people. and so she never rests. even doing nothing, she's wandering labyrinths in her head trying to be better and find the answer, and she can't let herself take a break from trying to be better without being plagued by guilt. she can't push let go of the guilt because she's seen first-hand what happens when people don't feel guilt or question themselves.

and in the summer starting junior year she and tracker break up and the guilt becomes unbearable and suddenly she can't remember why she let herself feel it. so she stops feeling guilty. she forgets to heal her friends, she devotes herself to her own body (my faith is mostly physical, tracker had once said, kristen doesn't remember what she meant by that) and she breaks all the promises she made to protect cassandra. she stops caring.

until she sees bucky again. until she sees her parents again. she remembers why she wanted to fight to stop bad things from happening to good people, and more importantly she remembers what happens when you don't question yourself. how mac and donna follow their beliefs blindly and never questioned whether they could be wrong if they could be better. how they promised to love her and left her to suffer, how helio let the people he swore to love suffer, and how she was leaving cassandra to suffer. and she doesn't realise until after that cassandra wanted to help. cassandra was always encouraging kristen to grow the church not just because she couldn't rely on kristen to keep her alive but because she knew kristen couldn't handle the responsibility of keeping her alive on her own.

kristen chose to be a cleric of cassandra because she thought cassandra was good and wanted them to have a religion. it was the only way to revive her, but if she can grow the church then kristen would be free to work on herself with cassandra being free to take care of her, not the other way around. as a paladin kristen could take an oath she will always believe in - an oath to care and love her friends, perhaps - and trust that cassandra's church will still be helping people on a large scale even when kristen needs a break. kristen can get swole and learn to fight and know in her heart that what she's fighting for is right. she can trust that cassandra wouldn't bless her if she didn't deserve it, and in that trust she doesn't have to worry so much about being a perfect person because she knows she's good.

listen. listen. as a pastor kid ex-ministry person who left the toxic religious group they were raised in. it’s not about cassandra being rad or not (she is i really think she is). it’s about whether or not kristen can make peace with what being devout means. if she can take that leap of faith. if she can really settle in on a belief system and ask others to do the same.

i think this arc is gonna be about kristen giving up on cleric and reclassing (my guess on barb) because this is about kristen finally FINALLY giving up on how she was raised. she didn’t need to a different god. she needs to reject, wholly, that lifestyle and figure out the best version of herself and what she needs. maybe she doesn’t need to be a cleric. maybe trying to force herself to be one is perpetuating the harm she escaped. maybe she can step back.

i think this will have HUGE complications. but it really feels like ally is interested in explored why kristen has struggled this whole time with this. maybe she doesn’t want to be a cleric at all.