Wandering Thoughts - Blog Posts

seeing through

self harm after one point, becomes a coping mechanism. Its often potrayed as glorification of the result of deep introspection leading to masochoism , or as attention seeking, and a varried array of things in between. All half true, but far too contorted to have been intended well. In all truth, this is just my story.

i harmed myself, underfed myself, deprieved myself of sleep, gagged myself, whipped myself, took random medicines. Everything. If suicide is included in self harm, attempted it perioidically. And frankly, some of the self harm was for attention, i wished to make myself worthy of recieving care. To put myself in such hurt that i could control, explain in lies, and have catered to in small dozes. But more than that, it was a coping mechanism to hurt myself. Because everything else would be misconstrued or result in consequences i did not intend and could not control. A outburst of anger would effect my ties, breaking things was not affordable, or sometimes not explainable,  Crying would lead to intervention into my thoughts. But self harm? no one would know, no one could question, and i’d come out “sane” , “normal”, there would be know “something’s happened to them, they’ve changed” , nothing. i could just inflict pain upon myself in places and ways no one could see, and then go about my day, following my passions, which were truly mine, but also all of me as everyone saw it. ANd there was also relief in harming myself, because , indeed my thoughts had mangled into this crowweb of hatred for myself, and the hatred of my love for myself. It felt real, and the pain felt mine, and sometimes it felt wrong, and so it felt right , because i thought i deserved it, i think so sometimes. Its a overlay between wanting pain, and also forcefully inflicting pain i don’t want, former because i think i’v wandered into masochistic desires and it feels poetic, latter because outside that poem i hurt from pain, but i think i deserve to be punished. so i do it myself.

on the sideway, suicide, just became an option, and once it did, somehow that made everything easier, that its going to end, in my control, so i can just do this, just not do that, just that. Failed suicide attempts have consequences and aftermath , of course they do, and more often then not, the guilt of having hurt others and the “selfishness” of it is already lingering in ur head on its own, the major aftermath is just a feeling of failure, and more ideation along with more self harm. Because maybe if you’re going to fail and then be put to the test for why’s and see others hurt for u, be angry, be troubled, or be unbothered by your pain, better sane up for it, so that the lingering apology in your head manages to find its way above the pain of the reality and you manage to set things right back they were before by convincing everyone so. Once self harm becomes you’re coping mechanism, it just  never really is comforting to be saved.

There must be a way out of it, there is, i know, but how will it be found if we don’t dig a creek in this soft grave and set paper boats to sway here. The sun dazzles, at the edges of such a boat, i know.

Jaskier’s Fear

It’s come to my attention that many of us creating fan works for The Witcher concerning Jaskier like to portray him as fearless of Witchers from the get-go. This is all fine, I don’t judge, writing him/portraying him makes for some nice fanwork which I also enjoy but may I also suggest:

Jaskier starts off scared shitless of Witchers. Cause why wouldn’t he? almost every other human adult is to a degree. To mention, he is a noble. His opinions on the world and its intricacies are obviously based off books and stories distributed in the high circles. That much is obvious when he meets the elves; he accuses them of being selfish and hiding treasures in their golden palaces.

You know what says almost the exact same thing about elves? Books you can loot in the royal palace of Vizima. They paint as bad an image for dwarves and Witchers, too. Because of where they are found, I can’t help but conclude people interpret these works as factual and that they are distributed to high society.

So Jaskier, who learned at an academy and was raised by nobility, would have to have some opinion of Witchers from such books. When he goes out into the world, he has no experience with any of these things, so his current knowledge is limited to his readings, resulting in the statement with the elves.

Jaskier would fear witchers like everyone else. Because the books and his entourage just showed him that it was the right reaction. Obviously now, we are off to a bad start for him to build any form of relation with them.

But this is where Jaskier’s stubborn and perhaps self-destructive curiosity comes into play. If he’s curious, absolutely nothing, even great fear, will stop him from answers and discovery.

So as Jaskier’s travelling to discover the world, he walks up to a stranger in the back of a tavern. Obviously, his gut sinks when he realises the stranger is not only a Witcher, but the Butcher of Blaviken.

But terrified or not he is intrigued. He never saw a Witcher before. Geralt dosen’t look like what the bard pictured them to be at all. He boasts his identity to the whole tavern and what does Geralt do? he just runs off without a word. No aggression, no blood no nothing. He just stepped off.

What was up with that?

He wants answers. Despite how scared he is of him, he follows Geralt. He dosen’t relent when Geralt punches him, because Geralt didn’t kill him right there and then like he thought he would. He’s the Butcher of Blaviken and the stories paint him to be a bloodthirsty killer but he just lets him off like that?

Seriously, what was up with that?? He gets more curious.

When they get to the hunt and captured, Geralt is swift to try and protect him. His books though him Witchers were supposed to be careless but, but this one just threw himself in front of him and danger, no questions asked. It was… heroic, to say the least.

The fear shifts just a little bit at this notion. Now Geralt is still a big and cold witcher in his mind, but he is also somewhat of a protector.

They get freed and Jaskier decides he wants to know so much more. To his knowledge a witcher’s job was to kill, yet the Witcher riding his horse a few feet away from him did not kill anyone that day. Geralt meets none of his pre-built notion of witchers. He wants to know all of what the books got wrong, and he’ll sing about them too.

Then time passes and Jaskier’s view of Geralt goes from big scary witcher to just cold-hearted a bit later. Then he’s proven that’s not the case at all, because Geralt cares for his horse too much be cold-hearted. He saw him purposefully lose a fist fight to let a man get crowns to feed his family. Saw him soothe a child with his signs as they recalled his father getting shredded by a monster before is very eyes, and he does it so gently, kneeling at the kid’s level.

He concludes that beneath all that hard interior, the man cares. He cares so much that Jaskier a bit ashamed to he ever feared him. There existed not a single reason on the continent as of why he should. Sure, his exterior is intimidating and all that, but this was not what he was, deep down.

The association of safety and Geralt sticks to the bard after that.

Now the whole “he’s not scared” thing begins. Jaskier gets used to other Witchers mind-bogglingly quick and it is not ignored. Geralt’s brother immediately notice the human who has zero traces of fear. When questioned about it, the white one just blink, takes a whiff and says; “Oh, you’re right. He isn’t scared. Strange.” Because the change in Jaskier’s scent was slow and gradual. Geralt may have never really noticed the change before.

The bard isn’t scared because if Geralt dosen’t think they’re a threat, Jaskier reasons there’s no reasons for him to be. Besides, he learned his lesson of judging Witchers by appearance.

On his side, Geralt probably smelt how scared Jaskier was when they first met. He did not understand why the bard insisted on following him around if he feared him so much.

Admittedly, he is a bit intrigued too. So, he lets Jaskier run around him. He would just run off in horror eventually, anyway.

But he never does, even if the fear dosen’t subside. Geralt tests him, to see if Jaskier would flee if he were just mean enough, yelled loud enough, but the bard dosen’t relent. Instead he just bites back, sings louder when Geralt tells him to stop much more rudely than was necessary. He roughs him up, bats his shoulder, Jaskier just gets back up, says “ow.” Moves on. Hits back. He never just bends even if he is terrified.

Geralt eventually realises he cannot be rid of Jaskier. The tests are dropped. He notices how whenever Jaskier smells like fear, he hides behind him, after a while.

Geralt has no choice but to admit he was the reason of this because no one else was around to do such a thing. And I am sure as hell this realisation would affect him because someone who used to fear him greatly now associates him with safety and protection. Has it ever hit you someone found you safe enough to desire protection or help without you never doing anything but being yourself? To people like Geralt who have low self esteem, think they’re monsters or unworthy of things, that must be worth more all the riches there ever was.

Just food for thought but think!! About how much growth!! Jaskier and Geralt can just be used as an example too, imagine stories of random humans learning not all is what it seems and growing from it and Witchers realising those who stopped to get to know them treat them like normal people, like they’re important with no other explanation but the fact they’re actually good people deserving of respect?? It’s just so good!