eroticdragonfly

Latest Posts by eroticdragonfly

Jus keeping it real

I feel so stupid. I’m not happy, and haven’t been for so long now. He steadily tells me he’s not trying and he is an asshole on purpose and he can’t tell me what I’ve done to cause this he just says he knows that I’m lying, I need some real advice. I love him, and we have been through a lot. I’ve not cheated on him but he cheated on me. Of course it was my fault because of what I was doing he says and I take care of my mother, that’s my job. So I’ve been trying to get approved to get paid since I can no longer work, it’s been a long hard rd, so I do not what I can on her good days to make some money, I shouldn’t but I smoke cigs, I’m female so I have certain things that my moms check can’t cover nor would I let her pay my way, she worked a couple of jobs 3 at one time if I remember correctly during my high school years so she deserves her check to be and do for her, so , I clean a house boat periodically, or a house/apartments, a couple of businesses, when they call, and I’m able to do so. And my work hours are never 8-5, it’s always random and it has to be that way. We discussed this before we got back together this last time, somewhere along the way he got upset, and just assuming I knew he was bothered he told everyone except me by the time I realized I was hearing about him cheating and I still have not wronged him but he doesn’t believe me. I feel like this has been a couple of years now and I feel like I’m still paying for it! He goes from hot to cold. I feel like I walk on eggshells the better I try and be he stays his same asshole. I know deep down that I don’t deserve this but I continue to allow it and take it when I try to get him to move out he always ends up staying and still the same. What is he trying to do to me is he torturing me on purpose…. I can’t win. He knows that I love him, I do any and everything that I can for him and it’s never appreciated or acknowledged really and I’m lonely. I begged him to just please move out. Be done with me if I’m so bad. I can’t take living like this and he kinda changes up a little and just when I think we might make it, he just stops coming to the bed to sleep and starts his attitude like I basically can’t speak to him until he does me without him snapping, and guy he sounds like a monster kinda from what I’m saying but as far as a person or friend goes he’s amazing but it’s like he gets back with me and I’m the worst enemy. I stay so confused and I’ve got some personal things going that I’m tryin to get worked out so I’ve been sick for about 2 months and idk I just don’t know what to do anymore any words of advice or ideas HELP THIS IS BREAKING ME

You’ll see that you will be able to adapt regardless

“If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy. Even if you wind up being left out.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of being a Wallflower

Maybe a little

Damn, that’s how I feel, frfr.

“I don’t just want words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

Mental health is real, and it suck if someone plays on that. It’s confusing, painful, hurtful, and just wrong. Playing on someone’s mental health is a form of abuse. I don’t understand how people can be so cold and calculating. I don’t want to change who I am. I’m loving, understanding, loyal, and I take pride in my relationships. Lately my husband throws things at me that I no longer do or that I’ve worked on yet I still have to pay for it. I pay for loving him. If I don’t have what he needs then he doesn’t need me. I’m one in the chamber away from being done. But I do believe in God, I don’t believe in suicide I’ve always thought of it as selfish and cowardly but I no longer feel that way. I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what I do I can’t make him want me. He has betrayed me in the worst way yet here I am, all he has to say is I want, I need, can you, and I do. I shove everything down and do what he asked. I’m about to explode, I don’t know what is real anymore. He confuses me and gets off on my pain and confusion. How do you do that to the one that you love. I wish that I could take my feelings for him and put them in a sealed container and forget it all, imagine that I can’t remember yesterday but I remember every ounce of pain he has caused me. It’s sucks I have memory issues per the doctor. So my memory stays so messed up and it gets used against me daily. He is torturing me, and most hurtful of all, he enjoys this and tells me daily I’m the problem. Im the reason he hurts me and doesn’t care about hurting me. So I beg him to go and he knows I can’t make him so he just ignores me or comes and goes as he pleases. Im about to break. Im not evil but he can bring that out in me. Why, if he doesn’t want me, why not let me go, why torture me….. I don’t know how much more I can take.

So, I’m thinking that things with my husband are always gonna go the same path, no matter how much I work on myself or how much I change up things I do…. I always fall into thinking that we are doing better, and he’s actually not talking to me like shit daily, that he actually wants me around, then bam, I get hit with reality. We are home and he’s in his building like always and I’m in my room/0ffice/closet, whatever, and he is texting a friend asking him to go to the bar…. Damn if we’re doing well, and I’m home doing nothing special and so is he, then why would he texting friends asking if they want to hit up a bar, which would probably end up being Hooters which is absolutely fine, it’s not like that’s the part that bothers me. We are at the house a lot together, but we never talk, hang out or for the most part even eat together. This is not the way I want my relationship to be anymore, I want to be with someone that has time to do whatever periodically, and wants to do things with me. Not go drink with friends. If we spent time together, actually in one another’s company, then I wouldn’t care if he ran off with a buddy every now and then, I don’t want to spend 24/7 with him, I’m not a controlling person, I guess call me needy, I just want to feel wanted from time to time, Or ever. Right now I feel like I am dropping everything for him to do whatever he wants or needs me to do, slacking on my work and responsibilities, worrying about shit like how bad I’ve got to get an oil change, reminding myself that I need to put a little antifreeze In here, is my tire pumped up, and so on, when just for the simple fact that I am his wife, and knowing that I’m using my moms car, the circumstances as to why, he should have already at least attempted to help me with or get the vehicle things accomplished. It’s always 99 % of the time about himself, and tbh, I have no guarantees that anything that helps him or benefits him, does anything for me at all. I know of many times him coming in to money or him winning money, and we were together, well I’d be lucky if I ever knew period. It’s only gotten worse than better so wtf is wrong with me, then the minute I get myself to a point to be able to let go, he’s automatically totally different and makes me think it’s gonna different and I automatically feel guilty and like if I leave or ask him to go then Im wrong. I’ve always heard that ex’s are ex’s for a reason….. what is really the worst part of it all is that I am not brand new. I know what reality is, I just always think that it’s gonna be better….

My father in law of 21 years actually did that to me a few weeks back…. Just acknowledgment was more than anything else that he could’ve said.

“Sometimes when I say “I’m okay”, I need someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say “I know you are not”.”

— Unknown

I wish that I could do this

“If you can’t figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.”

— Unknown

Facts

Yummy

Lol and this

“Listen closely to the songs I play, because the lyrics speak the words I fail to say.”

— Unknown

Had to repost this is soooo me

I waisted so much time with him. He’s so ugly to me all the time. I’ve told him over and over to just tell me if this is over and then we can maybe one day be friends… I am hurt so bad, and he could care less! I want to let go.

So…. I’m still trying to make this marriage to work. I feel like he doesn’t ever want to work through anything, I feel like every time we get into an argument he does something that pulls us even further apart, then God forbid if I bring up anything about the argument because then I’m just bitching, well fuck, we yet to work through the last 5 arguments. So nothing ever changes except when it gets worse…. So QUESTION???

The last situation was, me off my psych meds for like 4 days and that alone is my head going a million miles a min, so I’m a basket case anyways. My aunt had passed away, so it’s the day before her memorial. We were close, I took care of her, up until about a year ago and her son was able to get them a place. Anyways, so the day before my husband happens on on some xans and they help tremendously when my psych meds are missed, and I had a really bad week so I was in between scripts, so for starters he ask where I put them said he was gonna get two of them then leaves with all of them, with me going through what I was, and him to do that, it made me feel like he could give two fucks about me. So if that wasn’t enough he doesn’t get home til after 3 in the morning. I mean it’s everything before me always. I’m done I can’t even finish this story I just want to be able to let it go!!! I can’t do this anymore….. he’s evil I couldn’t treat my worst enemy as shitty as he does me at times. I’m drown to him anymore, I don’t want to be drown to him anymore. I just want it to be over!!!

We could be so good together! We split up and then you want to work it out, so I try time and time again, just to end up right back to me falling back into you, then you realize you have me, and all of a sudden you’re back to cold as ice. I beg you to talk to me, tell me what I could do to make things better and you act like I’m the only one with the problem, maybe I am, but my problem is you. It’s like you are completely emotion less. Like you block out everything I say, you text me and when I text you back and it’s not what you want to hear then you don’t even really read them just enough to find something and say I’m starting shit. I am trying harder than I have in the twenty something years we’ve been in this. I speak you start to act like you frustrated, like I’m bothering you when I’m just trying to make conversation with my husband. I thought we were suppose to be a team in this. You talk and treat everyone like human beings and me like I’m a pest. Ya know, I’ve got over you before, so Idk why you want to torture us both. I’m a Gemini, I have to feel wanted, not smothered but loved. I would love to be number 3 in your life but I’m lucky if I’m in the the top 10. So please just go. Stop torturing me for loving you. I’m good with it, because I love you enough that I want you to be happy, I want to make someone happy, and I never seem to make you anything. I feel like a sex doll, like whenever you want it. You want me dressed up and in the mood, when I feel like your half way finished before we even start, then you don’t talk to me unless you need something from me, you hurt me, I tell you, and you say nothing at all. Just go. Find someone that does it for you, not just sexually, but someone you want to sit and talk to and not try and stay away from. I am not holding you back and I’ve never held anything over your head trying to keep you. The other day when I had to go and you and my girl talked for a min, you actually sat in the carport and had a good conversation, it made me jealous af but only because I feel like you don’t even try that with me……. So walk away, if you ever really care please stop dragging me, I’m not strong enough to tell you no ever.

“I’m one of those people that you have to keep your eye on or I’ll wander off into the woods and forget to come back.”

— Jack White

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I can’t speak to him without frustrating him. I feel like he absolutely hates me at times. I really wanted this to work. I’m tired of being called a bitch, or bring told that I’m bitching, I am a very passionate person, but when someone Fucks with my heart, then I am a bitch. So if I’ve been a bitch to him at all then he’s been fuckin with my heart. It doesn’t have to be like this, but he’s about to get what he has been giving. Then he can call me a bitch……

Why is it that every time I think that my guy and I are actually possibly going somewhere in the twenty something year old relationship we have I get slapped in the face with the reality that we’re never gonna change, Happiness is just not in our cards for us. I feel like he is only nice to me when he has something that he wants to do something or he wants something from me. Reality hurts so bad. I want to just walk and be done......

RIP Daddy! I love you, it’s been 27 years and nothing is any easier about this day…. I miss you so much!

I stay in pain all of the time. I was beginning to think that it was in my head until I find out I have some semi serious issues going on, and if I don’t make some changes now, with in 4 years maybe 5 years I’ll be in a wheelchair and that is worse than I could imagine… even though I’ve got proof of this my on and off again husband acts like There’s nothing wrong with me. No matter how I talk to him or try and confide in him, he just acts like I’m faking, or that it’s not that serious. I don’t get it. I mean I would understand if I thought he was worried or concerned at all, but he goes on about life getting to be a little more of an asshole daily. It’s like after he’s been an asshole for a couple days. After he slept on the couch periodically through the week. Then he wakes up one morning and wants to go shopping and do something together. Which I don’t normally I would love. But, it’s really hard to act like everything is OK when it’s been like this. I’m not a light switch. I tried to talk to him I’m trying to explain things how I feel be open. But it’s like he doesn’t even hear me. So I wouldn’t want to go be around him when he makes me feel stupid for asking questions or for not understanding something when all of it comes from the issues that I’m having it’s not my fault I would never make him feel stupid about anything I don’t get people. Especially not him. I Feel like if he wants to stick this out with me and work through this with me. And things would be totally different. I refuse to continue to cause conflict between us for something that I have no control over, this is all too much! But what do I expect when I ever need him the most he’s never been there.

.

I love her

Haven’t posted in a while, my life is so hectic right now. And I saw him today, 6 months of nothing then outta the blue he messaged me, I think we have a bond because we both got hurt around the same time and we held one another together. I don’t fully understand why it went the way it did….. I’m just glad to have you back in my life….. maybe we can help one another again!!!

Idk what to do! I need to figure so many things out. Time is flying by, I want happiness for the both of us wether it’s together or not