Wow Nice To Know That There Are Other Like Me....

This year has been so stressful, draining, and long! My best friend has completely wrote me out of his life. After everything we’ve been through, I’m lost. I feel so hurt, and abandoned. I tried working things out with my ex, even tho I knew it was a bad idea I still went with it, like every other time, seems like we callin back into the same routines. Idk, I’m 6 feet from the edge, somethings has to give, I’m so tired of being good to others just to have them make me feel like I don’t mean shit...

So…. I’m still trying to make this marriage to work. I feel like he doesn’t ever want to work through anything, I feel like every time we get into an argument he does something that pulls us even further apart, then God forbid if I bring up anything about the argument because then I’m just bitching, well fuck, we yet to work through the last 5 arguments. So nothing ever changes except when it gets worse…. So QUESTION???

The last situation was, me off my psych meds for like 4 days and that alone is my head going a million miles a min, so I’m a basket case anyways. My aunt had passed away, so it’s the day before her memorial. We were close, I took care of her, up until about a year ago and her son was able to get them a place. Anyways, so the day before my husband happens on on some xans and they help tremendously when my psych meds are missed, and I had a really bad week so I was in between scripts, so for starters he ask where I put them said he was gonna get two of them then leaves with all of them, with me going through what I was, and him to do that, it made me feel like he could give two fucks about me. So if that wasn’t enough he doesn’t get home til after 3 in the morning. I mean it’s everything before me always. I’m done I can’t even finish this story I just want to be able to let it go!!! I can’t do this anymore….. he’s evil I couldn’t treat my worst enemy as shitty as he does me at times. I’m drown to him anymore, I don’t want to be drown to him anymore. I just want it to be over!!!

I’ve been almost a week without him. He made it look so easy to walk away. I’m not sure if I ever meant anything to him at all, at this point I don’t want to know. I just want to forget about him. Close that chapter in my life. I’ve been through this like 3 times, the other 2 men both ended up regretting their disicissions, so not only did I have to get over them, then after I was at the point of over it and no more pain, then I had to be the one that said no when they want to try again. That whole not knowing what you have til it’s gone is bullshit. When something is special to me it doesn’t just get old. Some people want to have that moment to see someone that hurt them, hurt. I don’t want to see anyone hurt... I don’t want him to ever want me back. I’m just ready to be over this and feel better!

So true!

Toughen up buttercup... I remind myself of this from time to time!

Damn, that’s how I feel, frfr.

“I don’t just want words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

This is so true!

I stay in pain all of the time. I was beginning to think that it was in my head until I find out I have some semi serious issues going on, and if I don’t make some changes now, with in 4 years maybe 5 years I’ll be in a wheelchair and that is worse than I could imagine… even though I’ve got proof of this my on and off again husband acts like There’s nothing wrong with me. No matter how I talk to him or try and confide in him, he just acts like I’m faking, or that it’s not that serious. I don’t get it. I mean I would understand if I thought he was worried or concerned at all, but he goes on about life getting to be a little more of an asshole daily. It’s like after he’s been an asshole for a couple days. After he slept on the couch periodically through the week. Then he wakes up one morning and wants to go shopping and do something together. Which I don’t normally I would love. But, it’s really hard to act like everything is OK when it’s been like this. I’m not a light switch. I tried to talk to him I’m trying to explain things how I feel be open. But it’s like he doesn’t even hear me. So I wouldn’t want to go be around him when he makes me feel stupid for asking questions or for not understanding something when all of it comes from the issues that I’m having it’s not my fault I would never make him feel stupid about anything I don’t get people. Especially not him. I Feel like if he wants to stick this out with me and work through this with me. And things would be totally different. I refuse to continue to cause conflict between us for something that I have no control over, this is all too much! But what do I expect when I ever need him the most he’s never been there.

.

I think I’m over it! Not seeing him definitely helped. I feel a lot better. I feel like I’m kinda free. Not that he held me down because I made my own choices. I accept that. Fake is what it is, FAKE! I kept it 100! So my conscience is clear. I’m probably never gonna be more than a friend with benefits anyone else. He was my last hope as far as relationships go. I look back at what it was about him that I really missed and tbh, all of our time was spent with me trying to build him up and me working on his self esteem. I guess it worked. Mission accomplished! Time to move on anyways!!!