I Hate Life - Blog Posts
"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"
~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.
The jealousy of other people's skills, the weight of insurmountable expectations, the fear of not achieving and the limitless procrastination keeps me from doing anything.
The fact there's someone out there working hours after midnight and into the lazy afternoons. The fact there's people who run in the rain to reach a destination. The fact there's people who have someone they think of when they sleep or someone that makes them feel alive. The fact there's someone who works harder than you ever could. The fact there's someone who is way better at what you do without any extra effort. The fact.....you will never be what you want to be in life.
I wish I didn't care about anything. To live a life with no destinations, a path where I don't know to what it is leading to. I want to be a no thoughts; head empty kind of person. I want to have no interests in life or so many interests that the failure of a particular thing doesn't bother me, that I can move on freely from one thing to other without regrets. A life of no assumptions, regrets, resolutions, promises, expectations. A life that's full of colour and light, where I walk as if no one else is watching, talk as if none of my words matter, eat as if there's no effect of the food on my body, sleep as if I can be in an endless slumber.
If you don't have to think or care about anything, you can live a life of a nobody. Your actions won't matter and that's okay, actions make past or future but you would always live in the present.
My problem is saying I don't give a shit about what anyone says and yet seeking validation from them.
"It's not about the want to die but the desire to simply not exist"
-Me, 2022
The only way to go through the day is to find is a new TV show to obesses over, preferably one with at least 3 seasons.
Every winter all I think about is a holiday in a snowy place, in a village perhaps, where no one talks to me or see me. Where I can sit in front of the fire and drink hot tea listening to classical music and read novels. Where I can smile as much as I want. Cry as much as I want. Nothing comes in my way, I don't come in the way of others. I just exist. I don't have anything to worry about, anything to look forward to.
Parents: my child is okay!
The child: watches 10 hours of video essay, lives on tea and biscuits, writes 20k words on one sitting, has debates with themselves, hates everyone, sleeps more than 12 hours, has no goals, has no friends, does not realise the day-night cycle, cries randomly.
Parents: I choose to ignore that
Me: I am not crazy. I am not crazy
Brain: burn everything!
Me: No that's not me
Brain: kill everyone!
Me: NOOO
Brain: nothing is worth it. Everything you do has no meaning.
Me: ....plz stop torturing me, my teachers already do that.
Life goes on:
Life goes on,
When the blossoms may.
When dry leaves fall down,
In a sun free day.
Life goes on,
When childhood ends.
When you grow apart,
From all your friends.
Life goes on,
When you walk alone.
In sunny paths and trails,
Of a hillside house.
Life goes on,
When you let things go.
When you accept,
There's always left some hope.
Life goes on and on
And on till the-
Day you die and-
Leave your imprint behind.
~ME
I I H I T L
W D O H H I
A O W A E V
N N B V W E
T T U E I G
T K T L L O
O N I O L O
D O W S T D
I W I T O B
E L Y
L E
I don't know how many times I have to say this:
I DON'T NEED HELP
I just want to sleep and not wake up again
Is that too hard to ask?
The sudden feeling you get to just run away from everyday life and have a grand adventure.
"That's the real sickness here, your righteousness and hypocrisy. It's the simple fact that you can't live by the rules you set, yet you still pretend. This is your world. You bulit this. If it's too strict, tear it the fuck down. But don't look at me. Don't take your hate out on me, I just got here. And I have no clue where to go, because from the moment I arrived, all I was ever given were orders. 'Smile. Open up. Cross your legs. Speak softer. Scream louder. Be quiet. Be confident. Be an angel. Be a whore. Be a princess. Be anything you want to be'...."
~Assassination nation, 2018.
As an INTP. It's really hard to exist in a world that feels so integrated for sensors or people with high Fi/Fe. I just feel like an alien among my peers. I don't speak in class. I don't have many friends. I hate my incompetent and overly strict teachers. I don't get social cues and dynamics. I don't get inside jokes. I don't get why I have to know the stuff they teach me. I don't think I should trust my teenage mind to pick a career for the rest of the life. Everything seems bleak and boring.
It sucksss when you are not good at maths and physics and all that nonsense that people care for. It hurts when you don't get to be appreciated for your talents beacuse people don't care about the things you are good at. Especially being an INTP, it's hard to ignore that most of other INTPs are known for being the math and computer nerd (not a huge fan of computer either).
I want to read poetry and dissect 19th cen. novels and their themes. I want to debate on philosophy and politics. I want to write essays and articles on global issues. I want to read books by authors all around the world.
It took me some time to realise (not really, I always knew) that I was made not for the STEM subjects. I was made for the art, the history, the love for literature. As John Keating said in dead poet's society;
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for"
Thank you for being my friend.
Merry Christmas everybody,
For this Christmas am I going to pretend to be a normal human being for once? No. No I am not. Am I going hide in the corner avoiding my family while lisining to buzzfeed unsolved and reading a book on poison? Yes. Yes I am. Should my family be concerned? Probably-
Happy saturnalia my fellow Freaks-
Ok starkid did nOt have the RIGHT to be this fUcking great and somehow philosophical??? That in the middle of a lit paper on the transcendentalist movement I while working on some orphic saying by fucking AlcOtT get side tracked by the parallels in some stupid line from tgwdlm that I end up thinking about that and it's implacations for the next 3 hours instead of doing my actual fucking school work, when in reality whoever wrote the line is completely oblivious never intended for this to happen as it was written as a fUcking JOKE-
(the line was "the apotheosis is upon us" and also "this is humanity 11'th hour")
i just fucked up 3 good painting with line art... im at my limit.
the feminine urge to go on my school confessions acc and anonymously talk shit about myself to see if anyone would defend me