Severus: Potter.
James: Snape.
Sirius: Sirius.
James: Okay, you just said your own name, mate.
Sirius: It was the only one left.
"Okay," Remus said slowly, making sure his friends were following along. "Let's go over this one more time. If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venemous. Got it?"
"I think so. . ." James said, trailing off uncertainly.
"Wait! I have a few questions!" Sirius yelped. "What if I bite it and it dies?"
"That means you're poisonous," Remus responded dryly.
"What if it bites itself and I die?" Sirius asked.
"That's voodoo."
"Okay, but what if it bites me and someone else dies?"
Remus was starting to get annoyed. "That's correlation, not causation."
"All right, but what if I bite it, and neither one of us die?"
"That's. . . kinky?" Remus said uncertainly. Peter laughed.
James laughed. "I don't know if she's interested, mate."
Sirius scoffed. "Of course she's interested, Prongs. You see, I happen to have something called the magic touch."
"You have the what?" James asked, unable to control his laughter.
"The magic touch," Sirius repeated, a touch of defiance in his voice.
"So you have 'the touch?'" Remus asked with a grin. "That sounds like something you should get looked at."
"What? No, you idiots, the magic touch -- how do you not know what I'm talking about?" Sirius protested.
"We're all magic," James stated, with a grin identical to Remus's.
"So we literally all have the 'magic touch,' Sirius," Remus added.
"So really, you're just saying you have 'the touch,'" James said.
"Sounds terribly dirty," Remus said, unable to keep a straight face any longer.
"Sounds diseased, really," Peter chimed in.
"You know what," Sirius said loudly, "You're all terrible friends."
James gaped indignantly. "Sirius!"
"Don't listen to him, James. It's 'the touch' talking," Remus said, smirking.
"Professor McGonagall!" Sirius yelled.
The whole class turned around in their seats to stare at him.
"What is it, Mr. Black?" Professor McGonagall asked, sounding weary.
"I have to be taken to the hospital wing immediately!" Sirius cried dramatically.
"May I ask why?" Professor McGonagall asked in the same tone as before.
"I have a paper cut!" Sirius whimpered. The class broke out in laughter.
"Mr. Black, I really don't think a paper cut requires you to go to the hospital wing."
"GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD," Sirius said even more dramatically, kneeling on the floor.
Professor McGonagall had to try hard to hide her laughter. What a drama queen Sirius was. She tried to subdue him. "Mr. Black--"
"TELL JAMES'S PARENTS I LOVE THEM."