Mentalheathawareness - Blog Posts
I recognize that my level of depression is not clinical, but GOD do I experience depressive symptoms
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Oh my god I’m 21 now what the hell
Hi I’m Abby! Hope y’all are doing well! I’m a 20 year old Musician, Twitch streamer and YouTuber that enjoys writing music, poetry, playing video games, and watching horror movies. I’m an all inclusive, sarcastic, and all-around chaotic influencer, I have too many types of content (but that’s mostly over on tiktok💀) I’m working 2 jobs on top of performing music and streaming but I always make time for new friends!
https://linktr.ee/ArtsyAbby advocation tree
https://linktr.ee/artsyxabbyx socials only free
https://linktr.ee/artsyxabbyx
https://linktr.ee/ArtsyAbby
Hello! I’m Abby! I’m known by Artsy Abby and I’m a mental health advocate as well as social justice fighter. I raise awareness for world issues and a provide links to articles so people can educate themselves on the subject as well as petitions and relief funds for people in need. I have a lot of links in groups based on events and times. For example, as a member of both the LGBTQ+ and POC communities, I’ve got a lot of links that are relevant right now I’ve added to those specific sections. I also have spreadsheets for peaceful protests depending on event (BLM, Roe v Wade, so on and so forth), state/country and affordable therapy (both singular and group). Those can all be found in my linktree attached below.
On top of all that, I’m an influencer and rising musician! I wanted to use my platform for good, and my lyrics always touch on something that people can relate to. Wether it’s mental health struggles, love, feeling alone, you name it, I’ve got a song for that. I want people to know that they’re not alone.
I am currently looking for a studio to record in and a management team or maybe find some sort of agency to work with! I think I have a lot of potential and would love for others to see that.
I just released my third album, Mixed Signals, it’s currently being put on all platforms and I would love to know what y’all think! Here is the link for Apple Music https://music.apple.com/us/album/mixed-signals/1631347119
Here is where you’ll find all my socials, petitions, articles, and so much more. I’ve got it nice and organized: https://linktr.ee/ArtsyAbby
Here is my YouTube, where I post my music and my gaming: https://youtube.com/channel/UCG4RdjmhnqA-fp88EhuesHg
My YouTube music (which is NOT the same as regular YouTube): https://music.youtube.com/channel/UCgtClBsNdPFpVH2pw4R3TRQ
Here’s where you can buy my merch! https://streamlabs.com/artsyabbyplays/merch
My LGBTQ Line merch! https://store.streamelements.com/artsyabbyplays
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We hit a milestone! And I forgot to screenshot the 150k itself 😭😭 but still!
Just raising awareness for the stream I’ve been planning! 6pm EST on January 15th!
The many stages of depression: (TW)
Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.
It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.
As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.
I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.
Here it goes:
1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.
2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come
3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.
4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…
5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.
When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.
6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.
Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.
Trigger warning: ED
As someone suffering from ED. It's really triggering to have those "health check ups" at school. And guess what, mine is back AGAIN. On top of that, the way people talk about weight and body image so insensitivly can make you go back to old habits. Today I heard so many people talk about their weight that I started to feel so anxious about mine. When anyone asked me I didn't say. I just feel like if you do have health check ups, it should be only the person and a teacher and not all the students watching, making fun and comments on others appearance.
I have had BDD since I was 11 or even younger due to certain comments in my family. I have had ED since I was 14. It's not easy. But I know I am not alone.
TW: suicide attempt
A year ago, tonight was the night, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on my antidepressant and antianxiety medication.
There are a lot of parallels between that night and tonight: I was alone in my room, I had smoked, I thought about how lonely I am even after being surrounded by people I love and who love me.
I was stuck in an overthinking loop that night, I just couldn't get out of it. My mind kept on telling me that there's only one way to end it so that's what I did. I tried to end everyone's misery (I thought I was a burden on everyone, that they would be better off without me) so I did what I did.
I ended up being a burden.
I got into emergency, then ICU, which was the loneliest I've ever felt.
After being at home, listening to my parents taunting me every chance they got, I kind of got better.
I'm not always happy but I'm also not crying my eyes out every night.
I'm just okay. Getting by.
I thought I'll cry tonight but nothing so far. Does that mean I've grown? Or am I stronger? Or I just don't care anymore.
I feel personally attacked by this…
long therapy waiting list said “Maybe…be a little sicker next time???!!!”
Hahahaha… I’m gonna cry now. 🥲
These are from my instagram story that I am also posting here because I think this is important and needs to be seen and heard. I marked out the last names for privacy reasons but I’m sure you can find the full names online if you want to know.
Know that you are loved and no matter what your brain says there is always at least one person out there who cares. ❤️ All of your feelings are valid and okay to have and I believe in you to make it out on the other side. ❤️ I’m proud of you. ❤️ You are doing amazing. ❤️ You’ve made it so far. ❤️ You are worthy of love. ❤️ You deserve the good things life gives you. ❤️ I love you.❤️
The Trevor Project🧡: 1-866-488-7386
Update on me 😊
So I've been on my anti anxiety meds for four months now and I must say..... I feel so much better now. My anxiety is still there which sucks but am able to shut it up easier now. I also stopped googling symptoms which is a huge thing and I don't ask for reinsurance that much anymore but sometimes when I get scared and Jeff decides to be a dick ( Jeff by the way is what I call my anxiety lmao) I ask but only once or twice. I also don't freak out about every little sensations i have!!!!! if I get a headache, I'm not terrified of it. Even though there has been good things, my anxiety is still there which means I still have some of my stuff still. But what really matters is that am learning how not to let it affect me anymore and I'm learning how to fight because im gonna be honest, its never gonna go away, but if I can get it to be not so loud, that's what matters.
A mess from the best
Ain’t like the rest .
She was blessed by the man
With his shoulders at rest .
A danger to the devil from the inside , out
As her emotions were made to be numbed out .
Like hitler , wanting you to be his butler ,
Hid in the darkness from the stars ,
Never knew what it was like to see past the dark .
It’s a shame , but we don’t pass the blame ,
especially when your blinded by The other game .
Now she can see , so much more clearly ,
She is starting to look a lot more pearly .
The sadness in her eyes , are replaced with the sunlight .
The breeze on her skin , awakens her inner self esteem,
Something you tried to keep locked in .
A beautiful soul, you tried to hide ,
Hid beneath your evil eye .
The man with the rainbow eyes , clearly showed up in perfect time .
Her soul was crushing , a big mistake,
Made from the man, with the holes in his skin,
Who now has nothing to sink his claws in .
@trueemotions91
If you ever feel like this my inbox is forever open ! ❤️
A gun
A quick escape
To exit this thing called life
My Brain can’t take no more
Every day I force a smile
For what?
For fuck all
My head can’t think no more
I don’t want be on this place called earth
I want be dug deep in the ground
Out of this crazy life
Where there is no escape
From my self .
It’s a mess.
I give up fighting the urge everyday
To just end this shit.
For real.
If I had trigger
I wouldn’t hestatie
To know it would be over within a blink
It’s the perfect escape .
It’s lucky I don’t owe one
Or I would be in a place I call home .
Heaven .
Away from this nightmare
I can’t escape.
Please lord give me strength not
To put a end to my own light.
I don’t know why you placed me upon this life
And have me air to breathe
Every night
I ask why ?
What is my purpose to you under this dark light
Maybe the easy way out
People will say
But there don’t know the state of my mind .
It’s hard to cooperate
When all I see around me is snakes
I’m done with life .
Even the ones who claim to love me
Can’t see what is doing to the insides of me.
Life is a joke
No one gives a flying fuck
That my brain is turning into sticky glue
With words I can’t relate to .
Just tired of the pain my mind plays daily
I would rather live in a zoo
Then play this game of 2.
Hate is a strong word
But belive me when I say I hate this earth.
It’s full of devils
Ain’t no angels here
Just a fuckin game of tug .
I ain’t got the strentgh to pull
The fucker to my side no more.
Years of fighting with my own
To now just want be put in a hole.
I’ve learnt to accept it’s the only place
Im going be at rest
With my crazy soul.
I’m close to admit
The fucker has won .
@trueemotions91
A woman I see ,
More powerful then me ,
Because she holds the key
To the happiness in me ,
She can blow me a Gale,
Or create me a storm ,
She is my dearest ,
Who protects me in the wildest storm,
When I’m mad, she makes the world frown,
Oh believe me she can tip up even your crown ,
When I’m happy she sends me a sky full of clowns,
In the prettiest colours,
Who sing me a beautiful song
To make me feel proud,
When I’m cold ,
She holds me ever so close
warms me up with her gentle rays ,
When I’m hot , she don’t stop,
When I’m mad,
She blows the angles my way,
To whisper
It’ll be better another day.
@trueemotions91
Blurred between love and hate
How do I decide my fate ,
When my heart tells me to wait
But my mind tells me to do a double take ,
Life isn’t ment to be a surf
But why was we brought to earth
With this thing called worth,
Emotions are tough
When other people are rough,
Just another torch
To light up the path
For another soul to walk
While we wait in the back fall ,
Why did the cells give me a heart
To just keep being scarred ,
It don’t know when to stop
And that will be my flop,
On this place we call earth
Burnt from inside , out
For something we call love.
@trueemotions91
Warning - I’m not sure if some people will take this I’m ignorant which I’m far from , just easiest way for me to explain a voice in my head so please do not take it personal anyone ! Just enjoy !
Lost young soul ,
Life is low , life is high ,
We have to just ride the tide. ❤️
The biggest challenge in life
Is learning to live , with the voice inside ,
Sometimes he roars and sometimes he whispers,
He’s trapped inside
Constantly taking you on a mad ride
It’s your call to reply
But before you do
Just listen
To what he is speaking
He may drive you crazy and make you hate
Every aspect of life ,
But their is a message hidden deeper then your imagantion ,
But the voice is they for a reason
Even if invisible on the other side
It’s the man inside
trying to make you recognise
I know you want it to go and he won’t shut up
But please just go with the flow
Don’t think the words that are going Through your head
Are a representation of yourself ,
Thats way to far , even for his control ,
That voice is a reckoning
The only way your inside can get you to listen to your true calling
Maybe not in the words you need
But this is where you have to be smart
Our brains are dangerous
The damage is strong
As no other can hear the song ,
He may play you some fucked up lullabies
And make tears come into your eyes
But I promise that’s not you breaking
That’s your soul accepting ,
The voice is usually your own well being ,
Calling for some help , from deep within yourself ,
He is nothing to be scared of
He is invisible , a voice all alone ,
But you can’t let him take control,
You have the power to show him differ ,
befriend that voice in your head ,
make him work for his chatter
we were born wild and free but
our imagantion always runs quicker
then our own two feet ,
So sometimes you need to breathe , it’s all just a release
Its a craft , and once you make the art ,
That voice won’t be a burden, he will be working on your behalf .
@trueemotions91
Fuckin crazy in this house of mine
Kids always fighting
Mothers always screaming
A war against 9
Yet love in the air
Open my eyes
To a war game
Trying push them
In there own direction
Forced eyes wide open
Mouths are all gawping
My brains fucking screwing
While next doors knocking
To a crazy noise
Of just heartache
But in the end it’s going be
Allright
Coz it’s where I call home
Its where my flowers grow
From the floor to the ceiling
I’m crawling
While the kids are scribbling
I’m kneeling
Praying to Jesus for some strength
To just catch my breath .
@trueemotions91
A beauty only I can see
Because I hold the key
To my own twisted art
That’s locked inside of me
It’s not my eyes who make me unique
Or the fact I have 2 ears and a nose
It’s the fact I can control
My life long goals
ain’t no one stopping that
You can put a end to my legs
Or maybe even my sense
But my mind won’t let you
Mess up that
It’s not visible to see
For a reason
It tells me daily
Scary .
@trueemotions91
Why did you leave me on the cross roads,
Cold and alone,
With a thousand thoughts creating a storm.
You left me in the darkest skies,
my coldest hour ,
Did it make you feel better ?
To know I was breaking,
Under your footstep .
Pressure after pressure,
As you watched me shatter
But it didn’t matter.
If you were true , You thought you could piece
Me back together
With glue .
But never the same
And now your ashamed
Because the damaged you caused
Is clear .
My heart was yours,
True to the core,
I promised myself that ,
I could never give you just half ,
But I regret that .
As you stole my
Identity
Within a flash.
The risk is not opening
Your heart ,
It’s opening your mind ,
Which is when we become blind.
As we are teaching people the
One thing we are allowed to hide .
Don’t give your soul
Until you know ,
The holder Don’t want it to
Steal.
Fake copy created by yourself .
A wolf in sheep’s wool.
@trueemotions91
A broken home
Is where he came from,
A mother who never
Showed him love,
Was her call,
A evil man
With a evil plan,
All because of the woman
Who claimed him
To this earth,
But not for love
For her own satisfaction
And now she leaves
A path of destruction ,
With no respect for a woman
Because of her own
Demented needs
Not his ,
Taught no feelings
Told not to cry
Always have to the big Man in life .
Are you glad what you did ?
To that boy who has now turned
To a man .
Left for another woman,
to try , to turn the tide.
HE deserves ,
To know,
the
power of ,
Love !
@trueemotions91
In life
never loose who you are
never forget where you came from
don't let your self disappear so your left wondering " who the fuck am I "
never lose yourself in the rush
Never lose you self when your dreaming
when it comes back to reality your be the one looking in the mirror
not knowing if the person who is staring back at you is a imposter
or really you.
This world ain't full of love and happiness
its full of tears, sweat and blood
so remember when your dreaming life away to never forget who makes,
you.
Never give up on these unique things that make you the person you are
That's what makes you true
you destroy those unique things about you
your be in that mirror looking at at a shadow of who you used to be
and believe me
life is no fun staring in that mirror
lost in a pair of eyes you no longer recognise .
@trueemotions91
Wow , I needed to read this as I could never put this into words as perfect as this person but is spot on & worded so perfectly x
Am I responsible for the damage in me Am I responsible for the damage in you Am I responsible for all of the things I couldn’t see Am I responsible for all of the missed things …when you couldn’t be When you couldn’t be I couldn’t rise from my own I needed you Just like you needed me Doomed to everything in between Doomed by the things we couldn’t see Doomed by the things we let be
I hate, me.
- {GK VIV}
Crazy
Their named me
Because I like to listen to my thoughts
Talk to my self in a middle of the store
A imagantion I adore
Ain’t no one stopping my thoughts
Thought a pill could shut it down
But don’t realise they just make
It roar.
Cant never beat the score
the bars set to high
For any medical score
Iq higher then they imagantion
I shoot for the heart
Their will never understand .
Ain’t nothing crazy about me ,
I’m just a soul
With a mission
To listen to
What my head feels
Coz I know that’s real
And is my goal
To try and bring peace to my inner soul.
@trueemotions91