Anxi4ty - Blog Posts
my issue with my anxiety is that the way i typically deal with it at home, i cannot do the same thing at work / in public.
its the reason why i want to start anxiety meds but my mom said that i should try looking at other coping mechanisms first before jumping into something that changes my brain chemistry (shes a nurse and shes for finding other ways to deal with issues before taking something that changes your brain chemistry. which i understand and agree with!!)
im just tired of the anxiety tbh i just wanna live a normal life without the constantly shaking, not being able to breathe properly, fear, etc.
i FUCKING HATE anxiety attacks i get unexpectedly in sudden and confusing situations. they make me want to kill my fucking self, i swear-
The feeling of losing something, but you don't know what you are losing. You just feel lost.
Suffering from burnout while working on an essay about burnout is the type of dramatic irony I want in my life.
Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:
"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)
Let me set the scene:
In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.
This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.
The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.
Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.
During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.
I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".
I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.
I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.
For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.
Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.
I am that friend who walks behind everyone when the path becomes too narrow for four people.
Trigger warning: ED
As someone suffering from ED. It's really triggering to have those "health check ups" at school. And guess what, mine is back AGAIN. On top of that, the way people talk about weight and body image so insensitivly can make you go back to old habits. Today I heard so many people talk about their weight that I started to feel so anxious about mine. When anyone asked me I didn't say. I just feel like if you do have health check ups, it should be only the person and a teacher and not all the students watching, making fun and comments on others appearance.
I have had BDD since I was 11 or even younger due to certain comments in my family. I have had ED since I was 14. It's not easy. But I know I am not alone.
TW:
It's really hard to be someone with a superiority complex and an inferiority complex at the same time.
Ps: also have GAD, BDD, ED, OCD and other things haven't discovered yet.
Came back from work, looked at my reflection on the window and felt depressed. I have to do something about it asap. I hate my body omg
I ran out of meds and I'm now feeling the symptoms of abstinence. Going to collect more.
Wish me luck.
beware, this is a vent-ish
do you ever feel so much anxiety & empty yearning for something, but you cannot grasp the concept of what it is so you just end up crying hysterically. I swear I’m going crazy.
(not in a cringe way)
.♡
I go through lots of these moments and I hate to know that others go through this. I just want everyone to know that it does get better. It’s such a hard battle to fight but life is too beautiful to give up. You’re going to wake up one day and be genuinely happy with your life and all this will be a bad memory. I will always be in your corners and I’m here if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on. You’ve got this. I believe in all of you. Win this crazy battle called life❤️
everyday i wake up wishing i hadn't.
my intro !!!
charlie!!
they/them [non-binary, afab]
pan aroace [demiromantic+aceflux]
in a relationship!! my amazing dear darling wife: @vodozemacc350
teen [not comfortable w sharing my age, but my age range is 13-16]
4nor3xia, depression, anxiety, sh add1ct (cvtter) + other undiagnosed mental health illnesses (undiagnosed autism n borderline personality disorder)
im chronically ill, but i dont like talking abt it a lot
i talk a lot abt my sh n 4nor3xia, so if u feel uncomf w seeing that, block me, dont report
scene + indie
please use tonetags 4 me ToT
my dms r open, talk to me please TvT
u can ask if u want any of my other social
DNI LIST:
p3dos, z00s, any other ___phile (this is a kinda-dni, im ok w interacting w u as long as u dont say/do anything bad bcz i have trauma from multiple p4rapl1les i met in the past)
h0mophobes, r4cists, tr4nsphobes, m1sogynist, ect.
ESPECIALLY trump supporters
fandoms:
arcane
mouthwashing
pjo
hp
icp
fear street [both books n movies]
mlp
sally face
scream
+ many more that i dont remember rn-
my 4n4 info!!
hw/sw: 45 kg
cw: 44.6 kg
gw1: 42 kg
gw2: 40 kg
ugw: 38kg
thatz it <3 bye ^^
Learned a few days ago that therapy seems much less effective nowadays because therapy is based on learning that your anxiety and depression are unwarranted. Unfortunately, in today's society, they're very warranted.
Learning that really changed my view. Not for the better, but it did change it.
Whenever I go out in public it feels like unreal, my head turns into mush, my body goes numb, I can’t form a sentence, I can’t ask for a cup of water in a restaurant, I stutter harder than I already do, my whole body shakes, my head spins, I zone out and daydream, im literally so fucking awkward, my head goes completely dumb, my vision blurs and i feel like I’m fucking dying someone help fr
I should not be depriving myself of sleep because of the fact that our education system is so fucked after a single day back - I had my first panic attack since we last left school, I had a sensory overload and when teachers saw me in the hallway during both of these they all ignored me completley instead of stopping the, on the brink of tears, child punching themselves in the wrist over and over to stop themselves from punching the wall.
We were off for barely a week and I've been happier than ever sleeping a good 7-9 hours a night learning latin and guitar, researching different types of frogs and it made me realise that not only is school completely composed on a bullshit system made for factory work before child labour laws even became a thing it's also killing our curiosity I mean I attend about half as much school as say any of my friends and they are all less bothered about intresting things (to me at least) around the world and is completely done with school along with having even more anxiety problems then I do.
I, the person who has panic attacks usually on a weekly basis, is one of the less anxious people in my class t
Most people have either given up completley or they've destroyed themselves becoming perfect there are 2 others in my class that don't come to class as much as everyone else aswell and again they're more curious about how the world works and generally happier. School is so detrimental to our mental health the idea of having to get ready to actually go back there in 5 hours makes me feel physically ill and that I might pass out from hyperventilating because I'm afraid; I can't deal with the "regular" school schedule, no one can anymore and it needs to be abolished.
Just.... please??
nobody really talks about separation anxiety in adults. it's always the dogs or kids.
It's really debilitating.
Time for me to get personal, these past two months are some of the worst months in my four years of high-school. Hell not even that, all of my four years were shitty. Freshman year was trashy, I dont remember anything from Sophmore year (thx c0víd), Junior year was just... no, and now my Senior year is already off to a bad start. And on top of that, my urge to meet new ppl is hanuting me again. Like I definitely show signs of social anxiety (although I don't wanna self diagnose myself) and for my entire life, meeting new people is a struggle. And no not the "I hAtE tALkiNG tO lArGe CrOwDs" or "I HaTe pEoPLe" shit. I actually mean I physically cannot talk to people, whether it's a large or small group. Fuck I can't talk to another person unless they do it first, and even then I can't hold a convo for more than three seconds. And don't get me started with crushes. Never had a significant other. Ever. And the last time I caught feelings, he thought I was a creep. I'm literally months away from being legal and if I cannot talk to or ask people abt anything then this'll be the death of me.
Some are young rocks, arrows, spears, barrettes and jackhammers cant penetrate throw them. Opposite, lies the intricates the roses of this world the fragiles. For people like these it needs not much, a word, a gaze or silence and everything is shuttered.
hey, come on, there is nothing more blissful than crossing the bridge instead of jumping off of it.
Art by @kmcvisuals
“Feel it. The thing that you don’t want to feel. Feel it, be free and let it go.”
— (via officialaudreykitching)
"get out of your comfort zone"
i have no comfort zone
i am literally always uncomfortable
I love having no idea how to talk to real people
Anyone else have a alphabet soup of mental disorders?
i mean i got adhd, anxiety, very possibly depression, and probably some i dont even know about!