Socially Awkward - Blog Posts
i feel like i have an innate inability to connect with others. But whatever
needy streamer overload
I bought the game because it was on sale so I don't regret buying it.
and it reminded me of an app called virtual and how you can be a vt-uber and shit. so i said fuck it why not im bored and lonely and might as well be a cute anime girl too.
i redownloaded it
but for fuck sakes its camera is awful at tracking
and im so goddam awful at socializing and i fucking wished it had an app on the pc BUT EVEN IF IT DID MY SHIT INTERNET IS SO GODDAM SLOW AND I CANT DO SHIT JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE
so im stuck here in my room doing nothing but be on my phone and laptop. seeing other people do things i want to do. why cant that be me also. If i can't do shit how am i going to earn money. my anxiety holds me back i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this.
the only friend i have are online but even that is a pain in the ass BECAUSE OF MY SHITTY ASS WIFI THE FUCKING PING IS SO DAMN HIGH SO IM JUST WATCHING THEM HANGOUT WITH EACHOTHER WHILE I JUST STAND BY AND WATCH I CANT EVEN DOWNLOAD FUCKING VALORANT WITHOUT IT TAKING THE WHOLE DAY BITCH ASS CUNT KYS
Lost another friendship. Feeling superb.
I feel like throwing up.
Why is it so hard to maintain friends? Am I doing something wrong? Im tired..
My roommates get suspiciously more talkative after I leave the room
I sure hope this doesn't reinforce any negative self thoughts~!
About to reinstall discord!!
To check if i missed any important messages!1!!
To check if my favorite person messaged me!!!
To only see an empty inbox
To 0 messages
To an empty dm list.
Another reminder that I have no one to talk to.
For many years of longing, I craved attention from my favorite people. To be loved, to be looked at, to be the only thing in their mind.
I would obsess over them day and night. Where my life was bleak and boring without any interaction with them. I'd get depressed and hopeless without their attention, imagining hurtful scenarios of them leaving, and remembering that these feelings of mine will forever be within me. They will never know. I will not let them know. No matter how much I like them this feeling.
At the same time, I hate it with a passion. I do not like feeling like I have no control. So I do what's best. I ghost everything just because of one person. I leave. But I always come back pathetically yearning for their attention again. Because I can't stand being alone.
You know what's funny though? I met someone... who for the first time reciprocated my feelings without me having to say anything.
I was scared. I was so scared.
I've always been an obsessive person to those I liked. So why... did I hate it the moment they liked me back?
Did i even like them? If not, then does that mean i didn't actually like the previous people before?
Did i simply make up an image of them?
Or is it that I just don't like him? And maybe that's why I didn't like his confession.
I feel gross. I hate that I rejected him and I went back to using him as fuel for my sick fantasies. I hate that I still want his attention.
I hate looking at blogs that have romantic shit that says cheesy things like "what I crave for him to do."
I hate it
I no longer look at men with such rose-tinted glasses anymore. I feel empty. I feel repulsed.
I feel nothing at all.
I only figured out how to tell in late 2019, great timing, then it took me some time to learn to disambiguate between "thinks I'm cute" and "wants to do something about it," and I still have no idea how to signal anything back or how else to respond
And meanwhile I am just dying every time I re-evaluate weird old memories in light of the parts of the code that I have managed to break
“they were flirting with you” and how was i supposed to know such a thing when everyone speaks in codes and puzzles
I’m an introvert and an extrovert who hates physical contact of course I’m gonna remember every time you’ve dodged my touch and feel both sad and thankful for it cause I hate and love physical contact
Trying to be social on a huge website full of people you don't know is stressful enough but the knowledge that I'm actually trying is what scares me and makes me more stressed. So I'm gonna do something out of my comfort zone and push for it. I want to have friends on the RT site damnit. This is such a whinny post but I don't care anymore. Putting myself out there is the only way I'm going to have any friends right?
Whenever I go out in public it feels like unreal, my head turns into mush, my body goes numb, I can’t form a sentence, I can’t ask for a cup of water in a restaurant, I stutter harder than I already do, my whole body shakes, my head spins, I zone out and daydream, im literally so fucking awkward, my head goes completely dumb, my vision blurs and i feel like I’m fucking dying someone help fr
Social anxiety be like: man I really want those people to talk to me but I absolutely refuse to go up to them and start a conversation cuz what if I’m being rude
Hey um
Guys I'm a newbie in the internet
So... How do you make friends here
Do you have to summon them with a portal and pentagram or
It's just that I never had any close friends. And I'm awkward
So I just wondered if someone... Maybe... Would want to try chatting with me
But I have to warn, I'm terrible at communicating, if anyone ever would like to give me a chance
... Bye
*Runs away*
friend: hey do you mind if i invite a few friends with us?
me: *freaks out at the prospect of having to interact with new human beings who are not in tune with my special brand of awkwardness and will most likely think i am the world's most boring human because i suck at feigning interest and making small talk* er sure
Time for me to get personal, these past two months are some of the worst months in my four years of high-school. Hell not even that, all of my four years were shitty. Freshman year was trashy, I dont remember anything from Sophmore year (thx c0víd), Junior year was just... no, and now my Senior year is already off to a bad start. And on top of that, my urge to meet new ppl is hanuting me again. Like I definitely show signs of social anxiety (although I don't wanna self diagnose myself) and for my entire life, meeting new people is a struggle. And no not the "I hAtE tALkiNG tO lArGe CrOwDs" or "I HaTe pEoPLe" shit. I actually mean I physically cannot talk to people, whether it's a large or small group. Fuck I can't talk to another person unless they do it first, and even then I can't hold a convo for more than three seconds. And don't get me started with crushes. Never had a significant other. Ever. And the last time I caught feelings, he thought I was a creep. I'm literally months away from being legal and if I cannot talk to or ask people abt anything then this'll be the death of me.
Here's my grass is greener type thought but I wish I was the kind of neurodivergent who wasn't always aware of so many social cues. Ignorance can be truly bliss in terms of socializing.
how it feels to properly interpret a social cue
(especially bc I'm not good at communication lol)
Stranger: hi how are you
Me:.....
My friend:......
Stranger:.......
Me:...violets aren't blue
Anytime
Reblog if
It’s 104% okay to come to your DM and just say, “Hi, can we be friends?” And then start asking you random questions.