Latest Posts by crispysnewblog - Page 2

♡More Ship incorrect Quotes for RDR♡

------

♡John Marston x Javier Escuella♡

---

John : I love you.

Javier , not paying attention: What was that?

John : I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

--

John : My hands are cold.

Javier : Here, let me hold them.

John : My lips are cold too.

Javier : *covers John 's mouth with their hand*

--

Javier : Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.

John : Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

--

Javier : *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*

John : You can't just skip to the happy ending!

Javier : I don't have time for their problems.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Arthur Morgan x Charles Smith♡

---

Arthur: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

Charles , narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

--

Arthur : I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Charles: But, Arthur, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

Arthur : O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Charles: Is it working?

--

Charles: You have to apologize to them Arthur .

Arthur : Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

--

Arthur : Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?

Charles: Peonies, why?

Arthur :

Charles: Were you going to get me flowers?

Arthur :

Charles:

Arthur : ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Dutch Van Der Linde x Hosea Matthews♡

---

Hosea: I can't imagine what Dutch is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

--

Dutch: You're right.

Hosea: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

--

Kidnapper: We have your child

Hosea: I don’t have a child?

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?

Hosea: Oh god, you have Dutch.

--

Hosea: That's not funny.

Dutch : I thought it was funny.

Hosea: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Sean Maguire x Lenny Summers♡

---

Lenny: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?

Sean: It’s not water.

Lenny: Vodka! I like your sty-

Sean: It’s vinegar.

Lenny: …What?

Sean: It's vinegar, PUSSY.

--

Lenny: Ew. What kind of tea is this?

Sean: I boiled gatorade.

--

Sean: I’m in love with you.

Lenny: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Sean: I know.

Lenny: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

--

Lenny: Are you ready to commit?

Sean: Like, a crime or a relationship?

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Kieran Duffy x Bill Williamson♡

---

Bill : The first time Keiran opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"

--

Bill : Are you a masochist or a sadist?

Kieran , deadpan: I’m a Taurus.

--

Bill : I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.

Keiran :

Keiran : I like you.

--

Bill : *closes a cabinet*

*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*

Kieran : What was that?

Bill : The sound of someone else's problem.

how crazy do you think the AO3 authours notes are in gotham?

"Joker killed my grandma with a reindeer whilst playing 'grandma got run over by a reindeer' and i don't think i can continue to write this JokerBat fic anymore guys sorry :/ it just feels disrespectful."

“Look, I get if Batman/Clark Kent isn’t your cup of tea, but the guy writes more about Batman than anyone else outside of Gotham. There’s got to be a reason, is all I’m saying.”

“And here I am, jumping on the Batman/Bruce Wayne train like the rest of our beloved hellhole. Anyway, if you’re not from Gotham you can keep your criticisms to yourself or I will not be held responsible for the bloodshed that will occur should you insult our beloved sunshine child and his goth sugar baby. You don’t know them like we do.”

“Hey, sorry I haven’t updated in awhile. I died and then got caught up in this whole my-father-didn’t-avenge-me angst thing. Which was completely justified in my opinion. Anyway…”

“Let’s be honest, this entire series is dedicated to the fact that Red Hood could crush any of us with his thighs and we’d say thank you.”

“I just read a fic shipping Nightwing/Superman and I mean, come on. The author is clearly not from Gotham but I can never unsee that and I think I should be entitled to financial compensation.”

“Sorry it’s been awhile, I just got a new job! With the Best Boss™️ (if you know, you know). Also, my boss said he’d give a hundred bucks if I wrote a Batman bashing fic? Thoughts? Ngl I don’t think it’d even be that hard.”

“‘WHy aRE yoU WriTIng ABouT FakE SupERheROes WHen THe rEAl oNEs aRE riGHt tHEre?’ Uh, because it’s Gotham and they’re all a disaster? And also because I don’t want to be haunted by the venegeful spirits of robins past idk. Thinking of doing a crossover though. Batman in the Avengers? Thoughts?”

“I just want my husband Nightwing to be happy, is that too much to ask?”

“I came across Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy on my way home from school today and will now be hyperfixating on that ship, thanks.”

“Leave me and my 235k word fic of Prince!Bruce/Knight!Batman alone you Metropolis and Superman-loving traitors. This is not for you.”

a non-comprehensive list of reasons why bruce has tried banning halloween in the manor

1. dick was overly trusting of clowns as a child. he still holds the family record for most kidnappings in a single night

2. jason tried wearing his robin uniform as a costume. every. year.

3. jason then graduated to dressing up as his corpse and haunting (traumatizing) his brothers

4. cass always manages to scare him. no clark he does not shriek.

5. tim, duke, and steph got ‘spooky scary skeletons’ stuck in his head and martian manhunter started laughing at him in a JL meeting because of it

6. damian was followed and subsequently kidnapped by what they assumed was a group of very tall trick or treaters, but were actually just the league

7. that time of year is when jerry the turkey gets a little self aware (re: defensive). there have been incidents.

8. he walked downstairs only to be greeted with every member of his family dressed like green lantern. even alfred.

9. young justice decided to throw a giant party and to get in you had to wear the shittiest batman costume possible for their contest

10. jason won said contest. he didn’t even stay for the party, he just wanted the excuse

11. gotham rogues are drama kids and are therefore sluts for good thematic irony, so half of them do special edition attacks on halloween

12. the kids all do a candy swap at the end of the night, they invite kate and not him

13. tim has an allergy to peppermint and never seems to be aware of this, so he has to keep multiple epi pens on standby

14. he’s expected to wear slutty costumes and that’s just not worth his playboy cover

15. alfred only confiscates the candy he gets

16. he was just really hungover one year

17. damian has made them all watch coraline so. many. times. he doesn’t even get nightmares anymore

18. tim goes on a sugar high and has to be put on tech lockdown or he might frame lex luthor for murder and extort 90% of gotham’s elite

19. when dick and jason were younger they left open pumpkins outside his door and he would accidentally step in them every morning

20. damian tried to convince them to bob for apples with lazarus water

21. tim fell asleep while bobbing for apples (in normal water) and almost drowned

22. dick and steph drew a glittery skeleton over the batsuit

23. when he complains they all call him the grinch. it’s not even christmas.

24. pumpkin carving always leads to them flinging the innards at eachother and making a mess even alfred refuses to clean

25. the validity of candy corn argument comes to blows. every. single. year.

26. duke lead a revolt one year against the tyranny of bruce’s “no slanderous costumes” policy (he wanted to be slutty batman)

27. the kids throw a rager in the cave and somehow never get caught. it’s the only time they’re all willing to clean and it pisses bruce off that he can’t prove it.

28. bruce got sick and clark walked around the watchtower in a batman costume pretending to be him for two days

29. steph and dick glued the lorax mustache to him while he was sleeping because he refused to pick a costume. it didn’t come off for a week, and lois posted an article speculating he was secretly a natural ginger.

30. all the kids stayed in once and watched ‘it’s the great pumpkin charlie brown’ instead of partying and he’s been trying to get them to do it again ever since

Examples of Bruce’s “Dad Strength” as witnessed by various Robins throughout the years:

can and will bodily pick up any new Robin and bail as soon as gunfire starts on patrol

one time Bruce got out, physically ripped off a broken part of the Batmobile, and threw it in the backseat so he and Jason could keep chasing someone in the Narrows

ran home with Nightwing over his shoulder when he got shot

frequently lifts sewer grates/manhole covers like they weigh nothing

does push-ups with Robins on his back for a challenge

held onto the side of a building with just his fingers for ten minutes once when Steph’s grapple line broke and he had to help her back up

pulls hot dishes from the oven without mitts sometimes for Alfred (insists scar tissue on his hands means he can’t feel it, nobody fully believes him)

Damian swears he saw him kick a tree down once during training. A big tree.

Dick frequently catches him unscrewing screws in his prototypes with his bare fingers

Punches through walls????

can drink nothing but straight black coffee for several days before any signs of discomfort (this freaks out everyone but Tim)

Could we get some That Unemployed Friend On A Tuesday Jason x Redneck Engineer Roy

[on the phone]

Dick: Hey, I'm about to go on lunch break. Do you and Roy wanna come?

Jason: Nah, we're already cooking.

Roy: *throws a match into a bucket of kerosene*

Dick: Is everything okay? I hear something on fire.

Jason, putting a baking tray on the flaming bucket: Yep, just making grilled cheese.

———————

Tim: *working in his office*

Jason and Roy: *hovers outside the window*

Tim: What the hell?

Jason: We turned our bikes into a helicopter.

Roy: We gotta keep pedaling so we don't fall.

———————

[at a restaurant]

Roy: Dude, this place is deserted.

Jason: I know. Normally it's packed.

Steph, the waitress: That's because it's 2 PM. And please stop making the Eiffel Tower with forks.

Roy, connecting forks: ...

———————

[at the high school]

Duke: Uh... what are you guys doing here?

Jason: We decided to enter the science fair.

Roy: Allow me to introduce the Duct Tape Blimp 2.0!

———————

[at the middle school]

Damian: My idiot brother and his friend are in the teacher's lounge.

Jon: Why?

Damian: To show off their junkyard coffee maker.

———————

Bruce: Jason, I thought I told you to shovel the driveway.

Jason: We are!

Bruce: We?

Roy, on an ATV with shovels attached: 'Sup B-man.

Like all Arab mothers Taila al Ghul wears sandals for one perpose and one perpose only.

It is the ultimate weapon of discipline. It flies at speeds that go upto 380 k/h. Easy to put on and very easy to take off to hit her boys.

Jason and Damian grew to fear the sound of sandals.

They didn't clean their rooms; hight speed sandal to the back of their heads.

Half assing training; sandal in the face.

Rushing thought prayers; oh is dear, is that shoe flying.

Stuffing food down their throats; that's a very nice look bruise at the back of your head there boys.

And you best believe that when Jason and Damian have kids of their own, Talia would buy sandals for them.

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

If you could live in one DC city, which one would you choose? Star City? Central City? Metropolis? Gotham? Or a different one?

All of them have their pros and cons

Star City

- Pros: the Arrowfam

- Cons: Ollie's chili

Central City/Keystone

- Pros: more mentally stable Rogues gallery

- Cons: the Midwest

Metropolis

- Pros: not Gotham

- Cons: gotta buy a new car every week the way they get thrown through your office

Smallville

- Pros: Kon

- Cons: corn

Gotham

- Pros: grunge vibes

- Cons: Gotham

The Batfam as getting called to the principal office?

[in the hallway]

Bruce: Explain. Now.

Duke: Well, it all started when I kinda-sorta-not-accidentally started a food fight by using a hamburger as a hackey sack.

Damian: And he roped me into it by insulting my honor.

Steph: He just called you short. Get over it, pipsqueak.

Bruce: Why are you here?

Steph: Duke called for backup after Damian made a napkin sword, so I brought it.

Cass: I'm backup.

Tim: And the car you stole to get here was mine.

Bruce: Okay, what about you, Dick?

Dick: The school got your voicemail so they called me, but then I needed to use the bathroom and flooded it. It was an accident!

Bruce: And Jason?

Jason: Missing assignments.

The principal: Mr. Wayne?

Bruce: That's me.

The principal: These are all your children?

Bruce: Apparently.

The principal: I see. Please step into my office.

[later that afternoon]

The principal: Welcome to detention. All of you will do as you're told and there will be no talking.n

The principal: Mr. Thomas, you must compose a three-page essay on why you should not play with your food.

The principal: Mr. Wayne junior, you must come up with ten appropriate responses to teasing that don't involve physical escalation.

The principal: Miss Brown, you must give a speech on why stealing cars is wrong.

The principal: Miss Cain, you must stand in the corner until I tell you to come out.

The principal: Mr. Drake, you must read and sign the contracts that you were hiding in your car to avoid.

The principal: Mr. Grayson, you must help the janitor scrub the bathrooms.

The principal: Mr. Todd, you must write a book report on To Kill A Mockingbird, build an electrical circuit, debate a current event, and complete pages one through thirty of your algebra workbook.

The principal: And Mr. Wayne senior, you must come up to the chalkboard and write a hundred lines saying you are a grown man and will not pretend to be Batman.

Justice League Moments Caught on Live Television (part 2)

Superman: Say it.

Batman: No.

Superman: SAY IT.

Batman: *mumbles too softly to be heard*

Superman: Can’t hear you.

Batman: You have superhearing, Superman.

Superman: I can wait as long as it takes.

Batman:

Batman, just loudly enough for the microphone to pick it up: You’re my best friend.

Superman: *is beaming*

Batman: Can we finish the fight NOW?

Superman: After you………bestie.

Batman: *long, drawn-out sigh*

Superman: ☺️

—————

Aquaman: Stop calling me a fish.

Green Lantern: Okay, but TECHNICALLY…

—————

Martian Manhunter: *sitting there in serene silence*

Constantine: *also just sitting there albeit not quite as serenely*

Martian Manhunter:

Constantine:

Martian Manhunter:

Constantine:

Captain Marvel: Would you two cut it OUT already? I can’t take much more of this.

—————

Flash: Wait, what’s Batman running away from?

Black Canary, watching Batman take off in the batplane: His feelings.

Flash: Oh, okay. Yeah, that tracks.

—————

Green Arrow: No, you don’t get it. I can’t retire, Arsenal called me old.

—————

Green Lantern: This is the fourth time this week.

Flash: No wonder Batman’s so annoyed.

Green Lantern: If I try really hard I bet I can make it five.

—————

Wonder Woman: I leave for FIVE minutes.

—————

Green Arrow: I’m just saying, I’m not sharing grandkids with Batman.

—————

Superman: Ope, sorry, let me just…

Martian Manhunter: Your continued success is a mystery to me.

Superman: Oh yeah, Batman hates it.

—————

Flash: This is the WORST timeline.

—————

Superman: Maybe we should call Nightwing.

Batman: We do NOT need to call Nightwing.

—————

Black Canary: *long, long sigh*

—————

Green Lantern: YOU go deal with it.

Constantine: You do realize Batman’s children are not actually demons, right?

—————

Batman: *laughing*

Zatanna: Did Flash break the timeline again or something?

—————

Constantine: On three?

Zatanna: Rock, Paper, Scissors, GO.

Constantine:

Constantine: Dammit.

—————

Green Arrow: Stop calling Batman’s kids for backup. Yesterday Red Hood laughed at me for twenty minutes straight.

—————

Aquaman: Do I look like I know where Montana is?

—————

Captain Marvel: Come on, I don’t need vegetables.

Flash: A half cup of broccoli is not going to kill you.

Captain Marvel: You don’t know that.

Flash: You don’t know that it will.

Captain Marvel: It might.

Flash: Science experiment?

Green Lantern: We can’t do experiments that may result in death though, remember? Batman put it in the rules.

Flash: You’re just as bad, you know that?

Green Lantern: I have enough green in my name I don’t need it in my food too.

(Part 1)

When you become a speedster it's just inevitable that everything you own will become part of the group for casual use because distance means nothing and you're in one communal unit.

So when Wally finally takes the plunge to a buy an airfryer everyone is quick to remind him that it's really...

Some Kansan things I think Clark and the other supers from Kansas would say or do, by a Kansan:

Yee Yee: an exclamation said before one does something exciting, such as hunting, fishing, or shotgunning

Ope let me squeeze right on past ya there, sorry

Yeehaw: definitely said while flying around.

Have overly weird "salads". I don't even know how or why they are classified as salads, but that's what we call them. (Smth like lime jello salad)

Clark as a teen has definitely tried weed. There is jack fucking shit to do in KS but fight and do drugs (in gas station parking lots). That's how he knows drugs don't work on him. He tried them.

Aldis.

Brooding in fields.

Trader Joe's!

They all know way too much about different types of grass. Just going to school in Kansas does that to ya.

*grabs wild animal* this here is a friendly lil guy, innhe? *animal is biting, hissing, and spitting*

Yes to the overly politeness, even if they don't like someone. But if they don't like someone, it's passive aggressive. So, so passive aggressive.

That's all I can think of for now. There are probably more.

Wait who is Tims assigned youtuber?????

Well

Jason's reaction to coming back from the dead after dying around 2015 and coming back in 2019 or even 2020 (Tim is about 20 and Jason is about 3 years older so Jason was born in 2000)

Jason: So what did I miss when I was... you know...

Damian: Unalive?

Jason: Come again?

Damian: We can't say the d-word anymore.

Jason: Okay... what else happened between 2016 and now?

Damian: David Bowie, Brexit vote, Pokémon, phones explode.

Barbara: Women marching, global warming, Russian hacking probe.

Harper: Venezuela, Stormy Daniels, Thanos dusting, Meghan Markle.

Duke: Hong Kong protests, Miles Morales, black hole photo.

Jason: Wait slow down—

Cullen: Parasite, quarantine, murder hornets, Cas and Dean.

Tim: Bitcoin, war in Ukraine, riot at the Capitol.

Cass: Algorithms, HRT, England lost their old queen.

Dick: Barbenheimer, free Palestine—hold on Jason, that’s not all!

Jason: *cocking his gun and leaving*

Everyone:

Steph: We didn’t start the fire.

If Clark is kidnapped, he knows without having to ask that Bruce is going to hunt him down with the help of the entire Justice League. They’ll find him! He’ll be fine!

If Bruce is kidnapped, he’ll just sit there — maybe getting lightly tortured — and dread the arrival of all 17 of his kids, one angry Kryptonian without his emotional support human, Alfred having a RED moment, the Batcow, and all of the active JL members who don’t hate him right now (Hal Jordan will probably still come with, but he will complain the entire time)

i wanna talk about this shot

bye to a real one… add your favourite smash mouth tweet

Hey there! So long time no see!

Bruce: So you all have a mode of transportation for the gala tonight?

Dick: Of course Bruce, save a four wheeler and ride a speedster.

Jason: Got it covered old man, save a harler and ride an archer.

Tim: Don’t worry Bruce I got it, save a limo and ride a country himbo.

Damian: Obviously father, save a wheel and ride the boy of steel.

Bruce: Mortified and facepalms.

Feel free to reblog/like!

Batfam's most suggested lunch spots

Dick: Bruce's office mini fridge after an important business outing

Jason: a Crime Alley dumpster where he once found a whole bag of gummy worms when he was ten

Tim: Jason's place after texting him from a burner number pretending to be Roy and Lian

Damian: Ivy's house—she makes vegan food with her worst-behaved plants

Duke: the only working vending machine at Gotham High, inside the teacher's lounge

Cullen: the Batburgers in the gay neighborhood with a secret Batwoman menu

Stephanie: the Waffle House where she was forced to out herself as Spoiler because robbers held it up in the middle of her meal, but to her surprise everyone in the restaurant agreed to keep her secret

Cassandra: the 24-hour convenience stores in Hong Kong where she can get an entire meal for the price of a bag of chips in America

Barbara: the GCPD break room—turns out tax dollars are paying for catering

Harper: everyone talks about Ma Kent's baking but not enough folks appreciate Pa's grilling

Carrie: a boardwalk vendor who combined pretzels and nachos

Kate: the Justice League cafeteria when it's Flash Fries Friday

Alfred: you would think he'd say his own cooking but it's actually the chicken shop near his old school

Selina: Arkham—she never wants to go back but she can't help but be nostalgic for her favorite mush

Bruce: he would say Alfred's cooking if Alfred hadn't flown back to England for chicken, so the next best is the steakhouse inside Wayne Enterprises

Do you think Tim holds things over his brothers' heads whenever he wants something?

Dick- Aw, there's only one piece of pizza left

Tim- Mine

Dick- Or, we could split it

Tim- Or, it's mine

Dick- You know, sharing is caring, Tim

Tim- You know what else is caring?

Dick- Hm?

Tim- Not gaslighting your sibling into thinking he's insane

Dick- ...

Tim- Not taking Robin from him

Dick- O-okay

Tim- Trusting that he's been right about enough things in the past that maybe, just maybe, he's right about your father being alive-,

Dick- You can have the pizza, dude. Jeez

Yyyyy

Jason, seeing Tim laying across the entire sofa he wanted to read on- You can either move or be sat on, little man

Tim, not even looking up- Today is not the day. I fucking dare you to try me

Jason- Tim, move. I am bigger than you. I am stronger than you. I will crush you

Tim- Bigger, maybe.

Jason- Tim-,

Tim, locking eyes with Jason- How long did you last with Joker? Half hour?

Jason- Excuse me?

Tim, holding up three fingers- I dealt with Joker AND Harley. For three WEEKS. And survived

Jason- o.o???

Tim, getting cozy again- Get on my level, bitch

Yyyyy

Damian- You're delusional if you think you can beat me, Drake. I was trained by the best of the best!

Tim- The best of the best?

Damian- That's right!

Tim- When's the last time you checked on those 'best of the best' teachers of yours?

Damian- What are you talking about?

Tim- I'm talking about the fact that you might have been trained by them

Tim, leaning down to Damian's level- But I took them out

Damian- Wh-what??

Tim- Still want to spar?

Another chapter of my "The Waynes on Twitter" work on AO3

Masterlist of Tweets

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28 - Human Disaster Bruce Wayne

I am in my angst today so I'm going to drop a few of ansty Batfam headcannons.

- Bruce till this day do that father thing of open the door of his kids room to see if they're sleeping and then closing (even when they're just visiting).

- The first time he did that to Tim, Tim pretended to be asleep and then he just started sobbing because Jack used to do the same thing too, and his mother before him.

- Dick, when he moved out of the manor, still would use the Batcomputer to do research from time to time. Everytime he slept on from tiredness he would woke up with Batman's cape on his shoulders.

- No one knows Bruce has a good singing voice other than Dick and Jason because he would sing to their sleep, sometimes, when they had nightmares.

- He stopped singing when Jason died. The only person who was able to hear him sing again was Damian. He pretended to be asleep, because if he opened his eyes he would noticed how much he misses his mother.

- Jason singed to Damian sleep once at the league. None of them remember that.

- Damian tries constantly to assure himself that he could take down every member of his family if he needed to. Deep down he knows he can't.

- Bruce spent weeks trying to master how to cut someone's hair ( with Alfred's help ) so he could give Dick a haircut, because Dick said to him that his mother used to cut his hair.

- Bruce taught every single one of his sons how to shave their beard.

- Bruce had a mental breakdown once because he was starting to forget his mother's face.

- Cass overanalyze everyone's body language to see if they're healthy and happy. She tries to stop herself sometimes because more often the answer is no.

- Sometimes Tim flinches when Jason moves to fast near him. They never talked about that out loud.

- Sometimes Damian's hand tremble when he grabs his sword, he can still feel the blade.

- In one of Dick's worst fights with Redhood the moment he got home he threw up. His brother's eyes used to be blue like his and not green.

- There was a time where Jason was so happy that Bruce's blue eyes were the same shade of his.

- Bruce's hands still tremble when he sees his children on the battlefield.

- Bruce has a habit of messing with his children's hair, every single one of them picked the same habit after him.

- When Dick moved out to the Titans Bruce couldn't sleep for weeks.

- Jason avoids to change clothes in front of his brothers because of the face Dick made when he saw his autopsy scars for the first time.

- One time Jason had a panic attack and misdialed Tim's number, Tim stayed on the line until Jason managed to sleep.

- There's times where Bruce says the word Robin and all of them look at him.

Damian and Jon hanging out at the Kent’s

Clark: Hey Jon, your pops just called me. Bessie went into labor so I’ll be gone for a bit. Do y’all need anything?

Damian: Your cow’s giving birth?!

Clark: Oh, yeah-

Damian, vibrating with excitement: Can I help?!

Jon:

Clark:

~ later ~

Clark, to Jon: You are marrying this boy. Do you understand me?

Clark: we're going to need someone to scare them. Wally stay out of this.

Wally: me? Why me!?

Diana: you're too nice Wally.

Bruce: just like Barry.

Wally: first of all, Uncle Barry beat the crap out of my dad beating the crap out of me. Lastly I'm dating your son, and Roy, best friends with Donna and Garth and you don't think that they rubbed off on me?

League: no.

Oliver: speedsters are just too nice.

Wally: yeah and you're incompetent you need a canary to take care of you.

Oliver: *gasp* you take that back!

Wally: then get off her lap.

Oliver, hugging Dinah: no, fuck off kid.

Bruce: hey that's uncalled for.

Wally: so was keeping Joker alive after he killed your son. Keep that silver spoon in your mouth and shut up before I spill secrets that they don't know about. Like, for example Agent A's favorite rug.

Bruce:

Clark: I apologize for thinking you're not scary, please take care of Lex.

Wally: you're forgiven, I'll have that man shaking in his boots.

Oliver: yeah, go pick on that man you monster...

Dinah: it's okay, that big scary Wally is gone.

Hal: all of you thought I was lying saying Barry can be scary. He created that little monster.

Diana: I wished I could have seen that.

Hour later

Wally, open the door: fuck you and the horse you rode in on lameass. *Slammed the door* he's crying and ready to plead for his crimes and step down as president.

Diana: well done, Wally.

Rest of the team except Clark: *shudder in fear*

Clark: dang, he really said fuck his mom too... Low blow.

I was bored so I decided to comedically describe what some of DC superheroes powers are, but horribly summarized.

Superman: Big dick energy

Batman: White privilege

Wonder Woman: Bondage and femdom/ the baddest bitch alive

The Flash: "🎶He's a runner, he's track star--*

Green Arrow: Also white privilege, but from wish

Black Canary: "Damn, that white girl can scream"

Huntress:"Hahaha! You messed with the wrong white girl!"

DC Social Media Part 3

Captain Cold Explains The Flashes

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Bonus, Barry has some thoughts:

Keep reading

less jason todd body horror being attributed to the pit and more because he’s a cosmic mistake whose revival is unexplainable

I want Bruce to take care of the JL members like they're his children.

I want him to always make sure the kitchen at the watchtower is stocked with a variety of their favorite foods (especially sweets ans the like).

He'll also make sure everyone's quarters are perfectly tailored to their needs.

Like, when Flash mentions running cold after a stressful mission because he's burnt so many calories and it takes a while for his body to warm up again even if he starts eating immediately, fluffy blankets suddenly appear in his room and the temperature mysteriously rises whenever they've been out.

Clark once complains about the hum of the machinery keeping him from rest and the next time he's at the watchtower his room has been soundproofed, but with the option to turn it off in case he wants to listen out for what's happening on earth or something.

Bruce also makes sure to herd everyone to the medbay for a check-up after missions where he hovers and he behaves like a fierce mama bear. When a member returns to the field too early he'll full-on lecture them in front of everyone and there are several videos of this on social media.

Bruce does this for everyone. But some people (like Clark) get special attention, which means this behavior extends to their civilian life. So every once in a while, when Clark's had a bad day, a lunch delivery will arrive at his desk, containing his favorite meal, or something will break in his apartment (like his dishwasher that one time) but he has to get to work and doesn't have time to take care of it right then. It turns out he does have to. When he gets home, everything's fixed.